Help DP "can't do this anymore"

[Snowfl]

I have returned to work so far only done two days and DP is struggling watching our baby. We both work 3 long days. Baby is at childcare one day a week which we both work so we both have him two days by ourselves and all three of us are together the other days. I have mainly been the main parent DP helps out the odd time but I've always found he has a short fuse and stresses easily. He's present in the room but not as hands on. I left him a rough routine written down as he requested and food left out labelled. So on day one of work I am pestered with multiple phone calls and texts. The baby hasn't stop crying he won't sleep. This is ridiculous I can't do this he's screaming and hitting the food away. When I get down to the nitty gritty of it turns out the baby hadnt slept and it was after 12 by this stage so to me he was hitting food away as he was too tired to eat and ended up sleeping in his high chair. Was behind on meals and over tired. DP then tells me he can't have DC the next day as he feels his mental health is going its too much with work and the baby. So I have to ring in sick for 5 days so he has a break!! This alone annoyed me I've basically done it myself for 9months where was my break??. I then resume work so on day two of him having the child alone I am again inundated with calls and texts. I get a phone call he's out for a walk it's half 1 the babies crying. I ask what's wrong he's crying he says idk he hasn't shut up he won't stop crying. So I ask well what time did he eat lunch and sleep is he tired? Turns out he hasn't had lunch as he was asleep. So basically he took him out at half 1 after a sleep for a walk and the child hasn't ate since half 7. Lunch is meant to be 11-12ish. I am not stuck in solid by routine I know things come up by didn't it click he should eat before he takes him out. I then get a text about 3 he's just ate two meals pretty much.then he rings me at 6 you need to get home now I can't do this anymore get home he's hitting the food away he's just crying he hadn't stopped all day he won't do anything I'm sick of this. So I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors walking around the house. I said he's probably not hungry yet he ate at 3 had two meals or he's tired. DP insists I come home saying he's not doing this again. I end up in tears in work saying I don't feel like I can even leave DP with the baby what am I meant to do give up work? I run home and the baby is in his vest crying. The house is upside down things everywhere. He smiles when he sees me and stops. I then proceed to feed him and bath him. I ask DP did he have drinks with his meals - no he forgot. So perhaps he cried because he wanted a drink? So he didn't offer him a drink with any meals today as he forgot. How can someone forget to give their child water meaning all hes had is one bottle at 7am. This angers me even more. What am I to do? I don't want him in nursery anymore than necessary and I can't afford it as I pay for it myself. DP wants him in so he can have a day to himself in the house. I feel so let down that a grown man can't look after a baby. I'm meant to be in work tomorrow and dreading going in as Im expecting more phone calls and I hate the thought of my son crying away as dad hasn't put him to sleep or give him a drink. I manage fine he hasn't cried today and I've just done the usual fed and naps at the time I wrote down which DP wanted me to do. Help

Your little baby going without a drink for hours isn’t one of those “little things”. It’s outright neglect. And bloody dangerous. That poor baby.

Get your mother hat on and sort this shit out OP, it’s not on. It’s your job to protect your child. It’s his job as well but he clearly isn’t capable.

Do not turn your bloody phone off.

[quote Snowfl]**@DuckbilledSplatterPuff* @OnlyFoolsnMothers* he is not cruel not intentionally. Don't get me wrong I was tempted to report myself to SS as DP forgot to offer a drink to the baby. I think he over thinks it then panics and stresses and forgets the little things I.e a drink. I'm not making excuses I still think he's a twat and I'm furious for my child's sake but I don't know whether to help him or leave him. I am considering dropping my hours and maybe doing nights so I can be here in the day if needed granted I lose some sleep after a night shift but it's better than the current situation I think[/quote]
You are making excuses for him though.

You don't know whether to help him or leave him? Leave him.

@Ginfordinner

I don't want him in nursery anymore than necessary and I can't afford it as I pay for it myself.

The baby is as much his as yours. The imbalance in your relationship is awful.

Was your partner as on board with having a baby as you were?

Even if he wasn’t “as on board” with having a baby, it doesn’t give him a pass to neglect the basics of food, water, etc for his own son!

Nursery. He pays his share.

@ohwhatamiserableyear

I'd be very blunt: "If you can't man up and parent your own baby, then get the fuck out. How fucking dare you continue to harass and ring me jeopardizing my own job when you are a fully grown, capable adult who is the actual second parent of this baby. You either grow up, step up and figure out how to get on with it like millions of other parents, or get the hell out of our lives."

^this.

Honestly @Snowfl you know this is not a good man/father.

He needs to pay for nursery on his days, perhaps half days would help him. Otherwise, just ignore him. Text him reminding him when baby needs drinks/meals and nap? He has to learn to look after his own baby, after all you do it too!

Honestly you just need to leave him. I rarely say this.

He us doing the bare minimum of work, wants to reduce this further, financially abused you by refusing to pay his way with house/childcare, is actively sabotaging your return to work. That's all before we get to the shit show of him failing your baby.

Leave him now. Life will be so much easier on your own.

.......and he’s a good dad you say?

His mental health isn't his fault, but not getting help is. He needs to face up to his issues, or it is a case of him taking the piss.

I would show your useless husband this thread and ask him what possible defence he can offer to the unanimous opinion that he is an incompetent selfish cocklodger, OP. Then leave him anyway.

Wait, so you're saying he "overthinks it" (what exactly is he overthinking here?) and "panics and stresses and forgets the little things I.e a drink."

A drink is not a "little thing". It's pretty fucking basic.

What the hell is he 'overthinking' that he gets in such a panic that he can't consider his own child's basic needs? What is it that he's thinking about? Not his child, obviously.

This is dire, OP. Is this how he's explaining himself to you?

OP do not give up on your employment for this man, your not married so if this fall apart in 12 months you will be in a tricky situation.

Do you have in laws near by who can help or give him a talking to? Not offering a baby a drink for 10 hours is atrocious and I would absolutely shame him for that.

I do think this can be made better by making him be the main parent on your shared days so he knows what to do. My DH has teething problems when he took over being the stay at home in regards to forgetting spare clothes, leaving a nappy just a little bit to long so there is a line of acceptability in learning to parent on your own.

The second issue is why does he not take his medication deal with his anxiety/depression?

I’d leave.
I couldn’t forgive that.
You’d be better off with the baby in nursery being cared for properly and you at work full time and this wasteman DH sacked off. He is a selfish, careless, immature loser.

What a useless, lazy, feckless waste of space. Why don't you show him this thread and let him see what the rest of the world thinks of him?

Nursery is much better than a negligent caregiver. Awful behaviour.

You can't leave the baby with him alone again, I know that sounds extreme but you know he gets angry, 'forgets' to feed them or give them a drink during the day, and has outright said he can't do it. For your child's sake, not his, you can't leave them alone. He needs to pay towards more time at nursery.

Ask your useless partner how he thinks you learned how to be a parent?
Nobody wrote you out a timetable and snagging list.

Show him this thread, tell him he can either pay for 3 days nursery so he can start working five days a week! Why should the household be short of cash because he’s fucking useless.
Or he can piss of and you can become a single parent but he can’t expect you to do 100% of the childcare and give up your career just because you married the village idiot.
I’m actually raging for you op, I try to be fair but I want to slap the snot out him.
Best of luck op.

I wouldn't want to be with such a "man" who isn't willing to do basic childcare and who gets angry with a baby. It's really not very hard, but he clearly needed to be left for hours at a time every week to build up skills rather than getting 2 days straight.

How does he usually learn? From written instructions / practice/ ...? He needs to step up and do the weekend care while you step back; advise him what the routine is, remind him to check it, ask if he's checked the "does baby need?" list (water, fresh nappy, milk, sleep, food, wind, hugs, story, play peekaboo). If he's forgetting meals / drinks then he needs to set up phone reminders. Talk him through how you'll teach him and remind him that caring for a child is a natural skill he can learn and will get better at. If he won't learn and gets aggressive, well then I'm really not sure why you'd want him as a father to your baby and you ought to think very hard about your other options.

Didn’t give the baby a drink.... that’s bad.

This man is going to drag you down.

@yearinyearout I would like him to work extra and contribute more so I could do the childcare and drop days that would work but he says his work is too stressful hence he wants to drop a day. If he drops a day he will only take home 800 a month. 400 of which I get for house baby etc. I have suggested he swaps careers then new job etc but it falls on deaf ears. Even his mum says he's too anxious to swap jobs it would be too much pressure on him and he would be nervous. Ive never seen this side to them before but I feel like he is babied

He can fuck right off. On you days together he does everything. Treat him like a useless apprentice. Honest to god what a dick. He clearly thought you would do everything

I really wouldn’t leave him on his own with the baby - he’s angry, got MH issues, a history of drug use, apart from seemingly no clue that a person, let alone his own child, requires food and water. Whether it is can’t, or won’t, cope it’s too much of a risk to your baby. I don’t know if you can take leave, or just get an unpaid break but your baby needs alternate care right now. It’s not easy with job and finances I know, but please don’t just keep trying to hope it will all get better - it’s more likely to get a whole lot worse.

In the short-term, I'd be looking at options for childcare, as I wouldn't feel safe leaving a baby with someone like this. He should be stumping up more towards the cost though.

In the long-term, I'd be looking at sorting out my finances and becoming a single parent because fuck living like that. I do kind of suspect he's being manipulative. If he ruins your career, you will end up dependant on him and can't leave. Don't let yourself fall into that trap.

He IS an awful dad.

And the usual pathetic, entitled, lazy, selfish Little Lord MeMeMe type of man who acts like this the second he has to put someone else first and not spend his time exactly the way he wants to.

Tell him his choices are to shape up and be a father, or leave. If he can't cope with being an adult with a baby to look after - then that's a shame for him - and terrifically embarrassing - but you won't be able to house him any more if that's the case. This family can't take spongers. Part of the work of being an adult in this family is childcare, and if he can't cope with it - there's the door.

I wouldn't turn off the phone because I honestly believe you would be putting your child at risk.

I would however be fully prepared to pack his bags if there was a repeat of this performance.

Who owns your home? - I see you aren't married.

Aside from his ineptitude, where is his empathy, love and compassion to his own baby??? How can he not bother giving him water?

If this is how he treats his own child it's very telling.