Help DP "can't do this anymore"

[Snowfl]

I have returned to work so far only done two days and DP is struggling watching our baby. We both work 3 long days. Baby is at childcare one day a week which we both work so we both have him two days by ourselves and all three of us are together the other days. I have mainly been the main parent DP helps out the odd time but I've always found he has a short fuse and stresses easily. He's present in the room but not as hands on. I left him a rough routine written down as he requested and food left out labelled. So on day one of work I am pestered with multiple phone calls and texts. The baby hasn't stop crying he won't sleep. This is ridiculous I can't do this he's screaming and hitting the food away. When I get down to the nitty gritty of it turns out the baby hadnt slept and it was after 12 by this stage so to me he was hitting food away as he was too tired to eat and ended up sleeping in his high chair. Was behind on meals and over tired. DP then tells me he can't have DC the next day as he feels his mental health is going its too much with work and the baby. So I have to ring in sick for 5 days so he has a break!! This alone annoyed me I've basically done it myself for 9months where was my break??. I then resume work so on day two of him having the child alone I am again inundated with calls and texts. I get a phone call he's out for a walk it's half 1 the babies crying. I ask what's wrong he's crying he says idk he hasn't shut up he won't stop crying. So I ask well what time did he eat lunch and sleep is he tired? Turns out he hasn't had lunch as he was asleep. So basically he took him out at half 1 after a sleep for a walk and the child hasn't ate since half 7. Lunch is meant to be 11-12ish. I am not stuck in solid by routine I know things come up by didn't it click he should eat before he takes him out. I then get a text about 3 he's just ate two meals pretty much.then he rings me at 6 you need to get home now I can't do this anymore get home he's hitting the food away he's just crying he hadn't stopped all day he won't do anything I'm sick of this. So I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors walking around the house. I said he's probably not hungry yet he ate at 3 had two meals or he's tired. DP insists I come home saying he's not doing this again. I end up in tears in work saying I don't feel like I can even leave DP with the baby what am I meant to do give up work? I run home and the baby is in his vest crying. The house is upside down things everywhere. He smiles when he sees me and stops. I then proceed to feed him and bath him. I ask DP did he have drinks with his meals - no he forgot. So perhaps he cried because he wanted a drink? So he didn't offer him a drink with any meals today as he forgot. How can someone forget to give their child water meaning all hes had is one bottle at 7am. This angers me even more. What am I to do? I don't want him in nursery anymore than necessary and I can't afford it as I pay for it myself. DP wants him in so he can have a day to himself in the house. I feel so let down that a grown man can't look after a baby. I'm meant to be in work tomorrow and dreading going in as Im expecting more phone calls and I hate the thought of my son crying away as dad hasn't put him to sleep or give him a drink. I manage fine he hasn't cried today and I've just done the usual fed and naps at the time I wrote down which DP wanted me to do. Help

@Reindeermayhem

A day you have together with you child, make your Dp be with you both all day so he sees what a child needs. Talk him through it, make him take notes. Then he knows. After that not giving a bay food or water is neglect. He cannot say he has not been taught.

I would turn my phone off so he cannot make me feel stressed. Give him emergency numbers for medical treatment - Dr, 111, 999 if he needs to call.

If he does not want to do childcare he can pay for it.

Nobody needs to be taught that human beings need food and water ffs. He either just CBA or is trying to sabotage his wife's job. More likely the second.

DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR WORK OP.

His this sounds so stressful. I'd quit my job rather than leave my baby with his father if he cannot manage the basics.

Have a good sit down. If he prefers working to looking after a baby maybe the answer is you do give up work for a bit and look after the baby. It is old fashioned but still can work.

What outdated and dangerous advice. Suggesting a woman proactively make herself financially vulnerable and disadvantaged in her career due to her partners incompetence and total disregard for responsibility... wow.

Working in children’s services you realise that not everyone can look after a child without supervision, guidance, advice etc. It doesn’t always come instinctively or naturally no matter how much you think it should.

If this was a woman with MH problems, ex drug taker, struggling to cope would you really be advising that she be left alone with the baby with no one to call or help?

@Snowfl did you not discuss this before you conceived, did you not do practice runs with baby? How was your DH usually before children? I can’t think that he has gone from a reliable and capable man to this.

@YoniAndGuy I think you've put it well. I sort of didn't get angry at him yesterday as I thought I should try the look you tried approach keep going you'll get there. But your right I need to be firm and say its all there for you follow these if you struggle and if you can't do it then no point in you staying here. We rent the house but I would get more money of UC than I do from him each month if he wasn't here. That in itself annoys me. @Itsjustme102 well said I need to put the mum hat on and just think of baby. I will have to go to work tomorrow that will be the final test. I am going to have a stern chat with him when he gets in. I'm not going to tell him not to ring me though because then he will potentially just be terrible but I won't know. Tomorrow he needs to prove himself. Thank you to all who suggested checklists. I figured me writing times food etc was a check in itself but perhaps he really is that thick I need to write down check he isnt thirsty. Pains me to even write that ffs. Sadly my family aren't near. I've voiced my anger to his mother who's response was and I quote " Most fellas wouldnt even think if given the babies a drink, I know it’s pathetic but they don’t think. It will all work out, there are going to be ups and downs it’s all new for him so he doesn’t know how to react, but he will be ok. I know you will feel guilty but you need you time in work out of the house. It’s new to you all. Hang in there." 9 months in it shouldn't be new? And I'm led to believe this is normal behaviour

So basically he wants you to be the full time breadwinner and the full time parent, presumably also responsible for all life admin?

Op you would be better off leaving home, claiming some UC and free hours for the baby and claiming a portion of his salary for CMS. I bet that would cover the 400 he currently contributes all together.

If he wants to be a baby let his mother have him again and you know what if he is with his mum at least he can still look after his child a couple times a week while your at work because nanny will be there to help.

He needs to understand that if he does not step up then you will have no choice but toleave him. This means taking his anti depressants as a very first step. If he is suffering badly with his mental health, then he may well be incapable of looking after a baby alone, but refusing to take prescribed medication to help is unacceptable.

Be true to your word and leave him if he does not take steps to change. If I were you, I'd be starting plans to move nearer to family and raise your child alone.

This goes beyond just teething pains and needing to get into the swing of things - I would not be able to love a man who acts the way you describe your DP.

What does he actually contribute to your relationship? Can you look at ways how to make up the shortfall to your budget if you go it alone?

What does he do for a job that’s so stressful?

Does your husband suffer with depression?

I’m sorry but forgetting to give your child a drink isn’t ‘overthinking things and forgetting’ - that’s you making excuses for him.

If he doesn’t want to look after his own child (I’d leave him) bit then he can pay for the extra childcare himself.
He sounds utterly useless.

I have the read the thread, I’m still so shocked he didn’t give his child a drink?. That’s awful. If he can hold down a job then he can put a reminder in his phone, if he’s so forgetful and finds it so hard, to give his child a drink.
Just screams to me of selfishness and laziness!

@ravenmum

No, it's not new dad can't cope. It sounds like a man with a mental health condition, as he says himself.

Being a lazy, controlling and abusive git is not a mental illness; it is bad character. OP, a man who neglects a child's needs and uses its distress as a weapon to control you is not a good father and not a good partner but is a lousy and abusive excuse for a human being. Lose him.

What exactly is he bringing to the table apart from £400 per month and a lot of stress

Pay for childcare and get a lodger.

If he was on his own how would his MH cope with having to look after himself. Pay bills, budget, look after Ds on his own for 3 days per week or pay out for child maintenance

It sounds like his drug use has affected him more than he realises.
I wouldn’t be living with someone who couldn’t cope with looking after his own child for a couple of days per week. Babies are pretty simple in that if they cry it is more than likely because they are hungry, thirsty, tired or need a change or just sometimes they cry and need a cuddle.

If he can’t work that out for himself then he is either as someone upthread said thick or cruel.

He is definitely sabotaging your job.

If you've been doing all the routine the last nine months and he hasn't, he will struggle. You've made a rod for your own back in that case.

@whatwedontknow

Working in children’s services you realise that not everyone can look after a child without supervision, guidance, advice etc. It doesn’t always come instinctively or naturally no matter how much you think it should.

If this was a woman with MH problems, ex drug taker, struggling to cope would you really be advising that she be left alone with the baby with no one to call or help?

@Snowfl did you not discuss this before you conceived, did you not do practice runs with baby? How was your DH usually before children? I can’t think that he has gone from a reliable and capable man to this.

I think to an extent this is a fair point, but it's not an excuse, and it will damage the OP's relationship and, potentially and maybe more worryingly, her financial and emotional health.

My partner struggled to cope with our baby when DD was tiny, and it was a bit like this in that we got to the point where I felt I couldn't leave the baby under DP's care for a whole day, because it wasn't fair on DD. And I really quite deeply resented being in that position.

To an extent you can say ok, not everyone manages, it is stressful, etc. etc.. But even if someone has mental health issues (DP did too), the bottom line is that being forced into the position of caring for your child because their other parent insists they cannot do it, is shitty.

In the context of the financial complications around nursery, it sounds to me as if this is really worrying. So I wouldn't be too quick to say we should just excuse the OP's DP.

@Snowfl I am sorry, as I can see that with Monday looming this must be so stressful for you. Is there anyone you can call in for Monday or get an extra day's nursery booked in as a temp measure and let him pay.

I think its one thing to not be able to cope with a young baby's needs if you are not used to looking after them. But has he shown any indication that he wants to improve, asked questions about how you do things, does he play with baby or bath him etc.. or wanted to do a supervised feeding?
If he did any of that then those are helpful signs and the past week could be a "teething" situation if you forgive the pun.
But it doesn't sound from your post like he sees that he is at fault for these issues by simply not working out if baby's being fed and given drinks properly. If he's just giving up rather than seeking to improve then it is a bigger problem.
I also agree with other posters that its vital that you keep your job. as long as baby's safety is also in place first.
Its a difficult situation to be in, hard enough going back to work and worrying about childcare without all this going on. I hope you are also taking good care of yourself.
If his parents think it's all too much for him - can they help out.

I've voiced my anger to his mother who's response was and I quote " Most fellas wouldnt even think if given the babies a drink, I know it’s pathetic but they don’t think.

So his OWN MUM thinks he's too anxious to work and most men don't understand babies needing a drink???

That's one well raised man... and you want to raise a child with him?

By his own mother's admission he a complete fucking waste of space and she thinks its perfectly acceptable. Fine, she can have him back whilst you can move on with your life, get money and maybe meet one of the millions of men (the majority) who do know babies need food and water. You and your son deserve better.

What exactly is he bringing to the table apart from £400 per month and a lot of stress

This. And if you are eligible for UC, then you're probably better off financially without him too.

I can accept him struggling. But agree with pp - then he needs to start taking his medication. he also needs to be looking for solutions that don't involve you doing even more.

Oh, and ignore every single post about you stopping work. This is a truly awful idea. It might be worth considering if he was willing to step up and become a proper breadwinner but that's clearly not what he wants or is willing to do so please do not make yourself vulnerable by cutting back or stopping work.

@SarahAndQuack how did your partner overcome his issues? I feel like mine wants to have his cake and eat it. Work less days but put baby in nursery more. As I said he's okay if we are both here I tried to prepare him by getting him to do lunchtime feeds, reminding him it's dinner time etc but clearly something isn't working.

@liveitwell

He's a waste of space.

Can't work. Can't look after baby. Can't look after the house. Won't take medication.

Leave him, you'll be much better off without him believe me.

Agree wholeheartedly with this. Normally I'm more compassionate to people with MH problems but if he can't get himself sorted now he's a parent, bollocks to him.

Thete is absolutely no way I would have him care dor the baby on an ongoing basis. He doesn’t have the temperament nor the common sense to keep the baby safe. I would prefer to end the relationship and claim benefits if it kept my child safe.

I'm struggling with why pp think it is safe advice to tell someone to leave a baby with an individual incapable of looking after it, whether that incapability is a choice or not. It sounds like pp prioritise sticking it to another shitty man over the actual wellbeing of the baby.

I’m so annoyed there are typos everywhere in my post!!!!