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Original poster

Help DP "can't do this anymore"

652 replies

Snowfl · 13/12/2020 14:48

I have returned to work so far only done two days and DP is struggling watching our baby. We both work 3 long days. Baby is at childcare one day a week which we both work so we both have him two days by ourselves and all three of us are together the other days. I have mainly been the main parent DP helps out the odd time but I've always found he has a short fuse and stresses easily. He's present in the room but not as hands on. I left him a rough routine written down as he requested and food left out labelled. So on day one of work I am pestered with multiple phone calls and texts. The baby hasn't stop crying he won't sleep. This is ridiculous I can't do this he's screaming and hitting the food away. When I get down to the nitty gritty of it turns out the baby hadnt slept and it was after 12 by this stage so to me he was hitting food away as he was too tired to eat and ended up sleeping in his high chair. Was behind on meals and over tired. DP then tells me he can't have DC the next day as he feels his mental health is going its too much with work and the baby. So I have to ring in sick for 5 days so he has a break!! This alone annoyed me I've basically done it myself for 9months where was my break??. I then resume work so on day two of him having the child alone I am again inundated with calls and texts. I get a phone call he's out for a walk it's half 1 the babies crying. I ask what's wrong he's crying he says idk he hasn't shut up he won't stop crying. So I ask well what time did he eat lunch and sleep is he tired? Turns out he hasn't had lunch as he was asleep. So basically he took him out at half 1 after a sleep for a walk and the child hasn't ate since half 7. Lunch is meant to be 11-12ish. I am not stuck in solid by routine I know things come up by didn't it click he should eat before he takes him out. I then get a text about 3 he's just ate two meals pretty much.then he rings me at 6 you need to get home now I can't do this anymore get home he's hitting the food away he's just crying he hadn't stopped all day he won't do anything I'm sick of this. So I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors walking around the house. I said he's probably not hungry yet he ate at 3 had two meals or he's tired. DP insists I come home saying he's not doing this again. I end up in tears in work saying I don't feel like I can even leave DP with the baby what am I meant to do give up work? I run home and the baby is in his vest crying. The house is upside down things everywhere. He smiles when he sees me and stops. I then proceed to feed him and bath him. I ask DP did he have drinks with his meals - no he forgot. So perhaps he cried because he wanted a drink? So he didn't offer him a drink with any meals today as he forgot. How can someone forget to give their child water meaning all hes had is one bottle at 7am. This angers me even more. What am I to do? I don't want him in nursery anymore than necessary and I can't afford it as I pay for it myself. DP wants him in so he can have a day to himself in the house. I feel so let down that a grown man can't look after a baby. I'm meant to be in work tomorrow and dreading going in as Im expecting more phone calls and I hate the thought of my son crying away as dad hasn't put him to sleep or give him a drink. I manage fine he hasn't cried today and I've just done the usual fed and naps at the time I wrote down which DP wanted me to do. Help

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 16/12/2020 17:01

Call your folks. Talk it out and make a plan with them. Then fit things around the plan.

Have a place to go and a way to get there. Then worry about the details.

And well done you for seeing so clearly and knowing you need to get out.

Dutypaid · 16/12/2020 17:20

You need to prioritise your child's basic needs ahead of placating your partners tantrums. Otherwise, I would not be surprised if both of you end up in court. He is dangerous; he lacks self control, has a temper and is neglectful of your child after only 2 days. You are leaving your child with him, knowing this. If you continue, I don't think it will end well for any of you, especially your child.

Potaoesgivemeheartburn · 16/12/2020 17:20

Just wanted to say I’m so relieved for you snowfl. Also I admire you for coming back - can’t have been easy with the number of people shouting at you.

It’s also such a relief to see that you are realising your partner is never going to be a reliable man who pulls his weight. You’re getting great advice on here.

Dutypaid · 16/12/2020 17:22

Sorry, I caught up fully on the thread after I posted. I'm glad to hear you are making plans.

Potaoesgivemeheartburn · 16/12/2020 17:24

Look Duty. Talking to people in that threatening tone is not going to keep them talking, which is the best thing in the OP’s situation.

It is absolutely CLEAR that she is doing her best as the realisation of what the boyfriend is, is dawning.

goopsoup · 16/12/2020 17:27

justanotherneighinparadise Wed 16-Dec-20 14:03:05
I completely understand and support you in your decision to leave the relationship, however I am sure your partner will push for 50/50 and I wonder how you feel about him potentially having more time with your child alone? I’ll be honest, that would worry me

I really wouldn't worry OP with this. Men like this never fight for 50/50. Don't let this stop you leaving him and going home to your family, OP.

Yohoheaveho · 16/12/2020 17:38

The only thing I'm worried about tbh is his reaction and if he tries to claim for 50% childcare
he's useless, could barely organise a piss up in a brewery....you'll be able to run rings around him and get everything sewn up before he realises what's happening
people on here who've been through similar issues will advise and guide you

Dwrcegin · 16/12/2020 17:55

[quote Snowfl]@RedToothBrush we are both named on it. I do t want to stay here with no family near and childcare would be even more difficult I'd be relying in my partener to take him in his mums which wuld be worse. If i temporarily drop hours and increase nursery ud need someone from 6-9 in evenings and idk if childminders work that late[/quote]
Some definitely do. Ring around and ask them, if not, ask if they know someone who does lates, etc.

It might seem like you have a lot to deal with OP but you can do this! Flowers

Dutypaid · 16/12/2020 21:05

Potatoe, I was in no way threatening the OP, nor was my tone, but that's the disadvantage of text. I was pointing out how potentially serious her situation could become and I'm glad she could see that, but I did not see her recent updates before I posted.

Duanphen · 16/12/2020 21:36

You have found yourself lumbered with a man - and you mention drugs? Good god - who will not care for a child, who claims his "mental health" is in danger if he does so (that's a threat), he refuses to feed and give water to the child (neglect and deliberate cruelty), he texts you threats that he "can't do this any more" to increase your sense of fear he may harm the child (this is also a threat) and, to hammer home his point, he shouts, destroys your house (a known abuser red flag) and slams doors to illustrate to you that he's, well, threatening you.

You haven't got a 'slightly rubbish' partner, you've got the sort of man we see on the front of newspapers.

I think this goes deeper than just an attempt to prevent you working. The aggression is a massive concern.

When people show you who they truly are, believe them. This man is a danger to yourself and the child.

Scottishskifun · 17/12/2020 01:16

@Snowfl I'm glad to hear that you are thinking about your future for both you and your baby.
Speak to someone in real life about it. Citizens advice can also help with things such as what to do about house contract etc.

In terms of 50% access given history of drug abuse this is highly unlikely to be awarded by a court and you might find they may want to see clear drug test results before even considering access arrangements. I would also say given your concerns you can request supervised contact to start with. You are expected to travel to this.

I would also not count on any child maintenance from him given you currently live together and he gives a pitiful amount.

It's a lot of things to get in place make sure you have support and good luck. Honestly it does sound like the best and I am very rarely a leave him person on MN

DailyCandy · 17/12/2020 04:52

Good for you @Snowfl, I think the veil has been lifted from your eyes and now you see exactly whom you’re dealing with. Plan your exit carefully but don’t linger.

ShandlersWig · 17/12/2020 07:39

Well done OP, youve had a horrendous situation to deal with and it sounds like you're on the right track. Do you have any time off for xmas? Could you spend it at home with family and start to draw up a plan?

ShandlersWig · 17/12/2020 07:39

And good luck 👍

Bookworming · 17/12/2020 08:16

@Snowfl good luck to you.

queenofknives · 17/12/2020 08:26

Suggest you post in the relationships thread @Snowfl if you need support with ending the relationship and moving away. A lot of women have sadly been through similar situations and will be able to help/advise and share resources. Good luck to you and your baby.

KarmaNoMore · 17/12/2020 09:37

Don’t drop your hours, it is crucial you work at least 16 hours to get some decent universal credit, that makes living expenses much easier to bear especially when compared to what you would be getting as a single mum with no job.

Check entitledto.co.uk to calculate what kind of support you may get.

And honestly, it is easier to be a single mum with no family around than being a single mum in an abusive marriage where neither you or your kid are safe.

Don’t worry too much about contact either, men who show no patience/interest for their kids, swiftly reduce contact after the split. Yes, it doesn’t sound good growing up “without a dad” but no dad is much better than abusive dad.

Squiffany · 17/12/2020 10:45

Keep all the text messages he sent you stating he wasn’t coping.

MumInBrussels · 17/12/2020 15:48

If you live in another country and want to move back to the UK with your baby (or vice versa, live in the UK and would want to move elsewhere) then bear in mind the Hague Convention, which says that your (ex)partner must give permission for this, or else your child has to stay where you currently are. (The same is true if he's planning to move abroad - your child can only go with him if you say it's ok.) There are more than a few women around the world who have ended up living in countries they aren't keen on because they won't move away from their kids and the father won't give permission to take the kids abroad. You should maybe check whether this applies when making your plans.

KarmaNoMore · 17/12/2020 16:14

The Hague Convention only applies if there is a court order in place or one under process when the child was taken away.

If they split while she was in holidays in the UK, when no court order or process where present, he can’t do anything about it.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/12/2020 17:34

@KarmaNoMore

The Hague Convention only applies if there is a court order in place or one under process when the child was taken away.

If they split while she was in holidays in the UK, when no court order or process where present, he can’t do anything about it.

This is not true. There does NOT have to be a formal court order.

Hague specifies that a child may not be removed from their 'place of habitual residency' if the parent from whom they were removed has 'custody rights'.

One can have 'custody rights' without there being a formal court order. Laws vary from country to country so OP would have to discuss the specifics of her country''s laws with a solicitor/lawyer. Where I live a parent has 'custody rights' if they are married to the other parent at the child's birth OR the parent is named on the birth certificate or there is a statement of paternity.

Theterrorrun · 17/12/2020 19:34

Just to say, I understood the OP to say she didn't live in England, rather than the UK. I I that to mean that she lived in another part of the UK (but far enough that she would need to fly there), unless perhaps in the Irish Republic.

Theterrorrun · 17/12/2020 19:35

*I took that to mean that ...

NoGoodPunsLeft · 17/12/2020 20:34

@Theterrorrun

Just to say, I understood the OP to say she didn't live in England, rather than the UK. I I that to mean that she lived in another part of the UK (but far enough that she would need to fly there), unless perhaps in the Irish Republic.
That's what I assumed too but I thought Scotland for some reason
JudyGemstone · 17/12/2020 23:52

I would be amazed if you did want to stay with him, he sounds utterly pathetic and useless. A big spoilt baby. I don't know how anyone could love/sleep with someone who behaved like this.

It will be a tough to actually split, but you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs and it'll be so worth it for you and baby in the end.