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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help DP "can't do this anymore"

652 replies

Snowfl · 13/12/2020 14:48

I have returned to work so far only done two days and DP is struggling watching our baby. We both work 3 long days. Baby is at childcare one day a week which we both work so we both have him two days by ourselves and all three of us are together the other days. I have mainly been the main parent DP helps out the odd time but I've always found he has a short fuse and stresses easily. He's present in the room but not as hands on. I left him a rough routine written down as he requested and food left out labelled. So on day one of work I am pestered with multiple phone calls and texts. The baby hasn't stop crying he won't sleep. This is ridiculous I can't do this he's screaming and hitting the food away. When I get down to the nitty gritty of it turns out the baby hadnt slept and it was after 12 by this stage so to me he was hitting food away as he was too tired to eat and ended up sleeping in his high chair. Was behind on meals and over tired. DP then tells me he can't have DC the next day as he feels his mental health is going its too much with work and the baby. So I have to ring in sick for 5 days so he has a break!! This alone annoyed me I've basically done it myself for 9months where was my break??. I then resume work so on day two of him having the child alone I am again inundated with calls and texts. I get a phone call he's out for a walk it's half 1 the babies crying. I ask what's wrong he's crying he says idk he hasn't shut up he won't stop crying. So I ask well what time did he eat lunch and sleep is he tired? Turns out he hasn't had lunch as he was asleep. So basically he took him out at half 1 after a sleep for a walk and the child hasn't ate since half 7. Lunch is meant to be 11-12ish. I am not stuck in solid by routine I know things come up by didn't it click he should eat before he takes him out. I then get a text about 3 he's just ate two meals pretty much.then he rings me at 6 you need to get home now I can't do this anymore get home he's hitting the food away he's just crying he hadn't stopped all day he won't do anything I'm sick of this. So I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors walking around the house. I said he's probably not hungry yet he ate at 3 had two meals or he's tired. DP insists I come home saying he's not doing this again. I end up in tears in work saying I don't feel like I can even leave DP with the baby what am I meant to do give up work? I run home and the baby is in his vest crying. The house is upside down things everywhere. He smiles when he sees me and stops. I then proceed to feed him and bath him. I ask DP did he have drinks with his meals - no he forgot. So perhaps he cried because he wanted a drink? So he didn't offer him a drink with any meals today as he forgot. How can someone forget to give their child water meaning all hes had is one bottle at 7am. This angers me even more. What am I to do? I don't want him in nursery anymore than necessary and I can't afford it as I pay for it myself. DP wants him in so he can have a day to himself in the house. I feel so let down that a grown man can't look after a baby. I'm meant to be in work tomorrow and dreading going in as Im expecting more phone calls and I hate the thought of my son crying away as dad hasn't put him to sleep or give him a drink. I manage fine he hasn't cried today and I've just done the usual fed and naps at the time I wrote down which DP wanted me to do. Help

OP posts:

CanofCant · 13/12/2020 15:13

So he has never wanted to or had to look after his own child by himself before you went back to work? Obviously you need to get a practical plan in place for you to work but to be honest if i were you I would have lost all respect for him and have no desire to continue this relationship. He is trying to sabotage your job and his has no interest in the safety and comfort of his own child. He will only drag you down and continue to make you unhappy and shrink your world.

ravenmum · 13/12/2020 15:14

@user42579522

He's deliberately sabotaging your job. Why is he not sharing the cost of nursery?

yes

Ponoka7 · 13/12/2020 15:14

@NeutralJanet

"Go to work, turn your phone off and leave him to get on with it"

That's how, babies end up in hospital or dead. Do you think that the Mother's of babies/toddlers who get injured/killed by their father/carer, know that the carer is, capable of this before they leave them?

It's a massive gamble to take.

He pays for the extra nursery. If things don't get better as the baby gets older then leave. Do not leave a baby in the care of someone who 'has a short fuse' and tells you that they aren't coping.

Ohalrightthen · 13/12/2020 15:14

@Snowfl you need to leave.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2020 15:14

I would not leave the baby with this man. He sounds unstable and dangerous, imo. He is deliberately neglecting the needs of a baby, and I would also be worried about him physically abusing the baby when he won't stop crying. Get rid of this loser.

liveitwell · 13/12/2020 15:15

I would be organising more days at nursery or a childminder ASAP.

I don't think you can trust him to safely look after LO. He's too impatient and clearly can't think for himself.

I would resent him. And if I'm honest, if be majorly put off being with someone so selfish

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 13/12/2020 15:15

I would be raging, he is neglecting your baby! No water all day, not getting him to sleep so he's overwrought and upset, not feeding him between 7:30 am and 3pm!!!! He sounds like an absolute cunt.
He'd be out on his toes, but then I wouldn't have had a baby with someone who thinks it's my job to pay for it's care, who finds simply working too much for him and has a history of drug use....

Sewrainbow · 13/12/2020 15:16

Furious on your behalf.

Hes a pathetic waste of space and I'm not sure I could carry on with him if I were you, the resentment will fester into a complete lack of respect for him and utter contempt. He had the audacity to let you take a week off "sick" because he couldn't cope! 😯 if you keep doing that you'll give him what he wants as you'll lose your job.

Having said that though you need to move on from this. He is only 2 days in. I used to say "how do you think I know what to do? It's not magic it's a process of elimination; wet, hungry, thirsty or tired." You left the routine, he perhaps needs to stick to it rigidly. I sympathise how awful it must be for you but you wont do dh or dc any favours in the long run if you keep rescuing him. Once he gets in his routine he should find it easier, but he cant keep turning to you for the answers.

Never take another day off to facilitate dh incompetence. Turn your phone off or say he only rings in life or death emergency. Why are you looking at/answering your phone at work? Most jobs wouldn't allow it.

Also why are you paying for nursery? Surely as a family unit all bills are shared?

If he really can't cope he needs to fund additional child care, DON'T give up your job and be trapped at home just because the father of your child can't step up to the job!

liveitwell · 13/12/2020 15:17

He's a waste of space.

Can't work. Can't look after baby. Can't look after the house. Won't take medication.

Leave him, you'll be much better off without him believe me.

ravenmum · 13/12/2020 15:17

Don't put your job at risk by faking illness, and don't give it up. You can't lose your job because you clearly can't rely on this man to finance himself, let alone an entire family - if you even stay together, which sound highly unlikely.

DM1209 · 13/12/2020 15:18

You suspect drugs.

He is neglecting your son including aggressive shouting and door slamming.

I rarely if ever say this but, LTB.
Ask him to move out and get support with his mental health.
Depending on how comfortable you feel, tell your work the truth and ask for dependant leave if you get it.
Then sort your childcare out, childminder is often more affordable and more one on one for the child than nursery and then start back to work in the new year.
Also, if he moves out, see if you're eligible for any kind of working tax credits to help with childcare fees.

I know it is harder to do than I say but do not baby your DH anymore. Put your son first and then your peace of mind.

Soubriquet · 13/12/2020 15:18

He needs to step up and be a proper father to his son.

I mean how thick can someone be to not think “baby is crying. He hasn’t eaten yet. Must do that..oh and a drink”

Seriously

Chloemol · 13/12/2020 15:18

Either he steps up and looks after his child ( and when both of you are there surely he can take the lead and you step back so he gets used to what’s needed) or he pays for childcare. I get you don’t want your son to have childcare, but you have to look at what’s best, and he can socialise at nursery, and you get out of the house

I would then be looking at what you want for the future, and making plans accordingly

SnowDogFarts · 13/12/2020 15:18

Doesn't want to work and doesn't want to take care of his child. But he doesn't want you to work so you can take care of his lazy ass and your child. How does he suppose you'll all survive financially? If he wants to drop a day at work surely that should be to reduce the need for nursery costs. What a selfish man. I second contacting your health visitor to see if you can access some support. And whatever you do, don't give up your job.

CustardySergeant · 13/12/2020 15:18

It is not safe to leave your baby in his "care" even one more day.

Sparklfairy · 13/12/2020 15:19

Your update makes him sound even worse. So if he had his way he wouldn't work, or pay for nursery or look after his child?

I don't say this lightly, but he is "playing the mental health card". Doesn't take his medication, thinks the solution is to avoid parenting and work and have "days to himself". I'm not suggesting he's not got mental health issues but he's certainly milking them!

He pays for nursery. If he wants to cut down days, youll have to pull DC from nursery altogether as you can't afford it with the drop in income so he'll have to look after DC full time.

He made this kid. He can't wriggle out of responsibility now. Absolute wanker.

yearinyearout · 13/12/2020 15:19

Bloody hell OP, this sounds awful for you. It's all very well people saying turn your phone off and leave him to it but if he's not capable of the basics like making sure your baby gets fed and watered I'm not sure that's the way forward.

I'd be inclined to get him to work extra hours so you can afford to send the baby to a childminder where he will he looked after properly, and I'd probably consider ditching the husband!

PerveenMistry · 13/12/2020 15:19

@Chwaraeteg

He is abusing you and your tiny, innovent baby OP.

He is trying to sabotage your job and your wellbeing and using your baby's health and wellbeing as a tool. I think you should probably talk to your health visitir about this so simething is on record / documented and she can point you in the right direction for support. This is a horrible situation for you. Do you have any friends yoy can confide in?

I just hate that the baby is exposed to all of this resentment and anger and complaining. Frankly I'd kick the guy out. Let manchild go back to mama.

Real men are competent in childcare.

SameO1d · 13/12/2020 15:20

Did he manage to get himself some food and drink during the time he neglected the baby?

So he wants to work less, not look after the baby (not even meeting the basic needs of a baby is neglectful and cruel), and have you pay for mortgage and childcare???

Leave him and protect your baby and yourself. What does he add to your life except incompetence, financial drain and stress?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/12/2020 15:20

@DM1209

You suspect drugs.

He is neglecting your son including aggressive shouting and door slamming.

I know it is harder to do than I say but do not baby your DH anymore. Put your son first and then your peace of mind.

This.

The baby is not safe with him. I hate that he's making it impossible for you to work and keep the baby safe, because it's so so so unfair that the responsibility should all fall to you. But the baby isn't safe with him.

He sounds like a terrible partner and father.

You suspect drugs, you know he is neglectful, you know he won't try harder.

He's left you no option but to leave. I hate that for you but your baby being safe must take priority.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 13/12/2020 15:20

What age is he? He sounds about 19/20.

If possible, you need to take a few days leave on "his days" but stay out of the way. Tell him you will be home to help guide him, but you wont lift a finger to help. It is purely so he can practice and you are there to remind him of things as he needs it, before it gets out of hand. Then he can get on with it, but he will know you are there to ask.

Di this for 2 days only and tell him clearly "we can do this for 2 days and that is it. After that, if you cannot pull your weight without phoning me and shouting then you need to leave".

Then he can actually leave and as a single parent, you can claim for help with the childcare costs.

ravenmum · 13/12/2020 15:20

Have you got a friend or family member who could help until you can arrange childcare?

HollowTalk · 13/12/2020 15:21

I wouldn't live with someone as useless as that. Honestly, he's not even thinking a baby might want a drink or a sleep? I would have lost all respect for him.

Are you sure you want to stay with him? You could live alone and make him pay child maintenance, which would help pay for the nursery.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/12/2020 15:22

Leave him op he sounds awful- better off claiming UC and having help towards childcare from the state

AbbieLexie · 13/12/2020 15:22

This will only get worse. He needs to go. He's using you. He'll have you chained to the kitchen sink. Do not give up your job. He is not going to be looking out for your pension.

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