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Original poster

Help DP "can't do this anymore"

652 replies

Snowfl · 13/12/2020 14:48

I have returned to work so far only done two days and DP is struggling watching our baby. We both work 3 long days. Baby is at childcare one day a week which we both work so we both have him two days by ourselves and all three of us are together the other days. I have mainly been the main parent DP helps out the odd time but I've always found he has a short fuse and stresses easily. He's present in the room but not as hands on. I left him a rough routine written down as he requested and food left out labelled. So on day one of work I am pestered with multiple phone calls and texts. The baby hasn't stop crying he won't sleep. This is ridiculous I can't do this he's screaming and hitting the food away. When I get down to the nitty gritty of it turns out the baby hadnt slept and it was after 12 by this stage so to me he was hitting food away as he was too tired to eat and ended up sleeping in his high chair. Was behind on meals and over tired. DP then tells me he can't have DC the next day as he feels his mental health is going its too much with work and the baby. So I have to ring in sick for 5 days so he has a break!! This alone annoyed me I've basically done it myself for 9months where was my break??. I then resume work so on day two of him having the child alone I am again inundated with calls and texts. I get a phone call he's out for a walk it's half 1 the babies crying. I ask what's wrong he's crying he says idk he hasn't shut up he won't stop crying. So I ask well what time did he eat lunch and sleep is he tired? Turns out he hasn't had lunch as he was asleep. So basically he took him out at half 1 after a sleep for a walk and the child hasn't ate since half 7. Lunch is meant to be 11-12ish. I am not stuck in solid by routine I know things come up by didn't it click he should eat before he takes him out. I then get a text about 3 he's just ate two meals pretty much.then he rings me at 6 you need to get home now I can't do this anymore get home he's hitting the food away he's just crying he hadn't stopped all day he won't do anything I'm sick of this. So I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors walking around the house. I said he's probably not hungry yet he ate at 3 had two meals or he's tired. DP insists I come home saying he's not doing this again. I end up in tears in work saying I don't feel like I can even leave DP with the baby what am I meant to do give up work? I run home and the baby is in his vest crying. The house is upside down things everywhere. He smiles when he sees me and stops. I then proceed to feed him and bath him. I ask DP did he have drinks with his meals - no he forgot. So perhaps he cried because he wanted a drink? So he didn't offer him a drink with any meals today as he forgot. How can someone forget to give their child water meaning all hes had is one bottle at 7am. This angers me even more. What am I to do? I don't want him in nursery anymore than necessary and I can't afford it as I pay for it myself. DP wants him in so he can have a day to himself in the house. I feel so let down that a grown man can't look after a baby. I'm meant to be in work tomorrow and dreading going in as Im expecting more phone calls and I hate the thought of my son crying away as dad hasn't put him to sleep or give him a drink. I manage fine he hasn't cried today and I've just done the usual fed and naps at the time I wrote down which DP wanted me to do. Help

OP posts:
Redburnett · 13/12/2020 15:43

LTB before he takes his temper out on the baby. DP sounds like a self-obsessed, needy selfish individual with absolutely no idea about child development.

MartyMcFlyForever · 13/12/2020 15:43

Sorry didn’t realise I was on pages and not one continuous thread

ravenmum · 13/12/2020 15:43

I don't know whether to help him or leave him. I am considering dropping my hours and maybe doing nights so I can be here in the day if needed granted I lose some sleep after a night shift but it's better than the current situation I think
Honestly, be really careful about losing your job - I basically lost mine because exh refused to take time off when the kids were sick, and my boss wasn't delighted with that. I had another job lined up at the time, though. Make sure you are not in a position when you're caring for the child all day then working at night, making mistakes because you're exhausted.

You can't do this in the long term, making yourself ill or out of pocket, because this relationship is clearly not something you can rely on - and that's not something you have control of. You have to secure your child's physical safety and your own financial safety. Don't martyr yourself to your partner. Remember that leaving him may be the best way to help him! Sometimes people won't take their medicine / get medical help until they reach the deepest point.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 13/12/2020 15:43

Ok , so is your dp expected to work from home the days he has the baby? This isnt something that can work
Secondly you are not going to have a worry free day are you , and saying turn your phone off is silly because you will worry even more .
Your child needs proper childcare arrangements, then once this is in place you need to work out how you will be parenting on your own from now on .because your baby's father is worse than useless and he is bringing you more stress and worry .
One thing at a time .
Childcare
Your job and finances
Single parenthood

Saz12 · 13/12/2020 15:43

Honestly, you can’t trust this person with your baby.

He is neglectful, angry and doesn’t want to do it. Maybe that’s because he’s a useless prick, maybe it’s because he has mental health issues and isn’t taking his medication, maybe it’s a bit of both. But don’t leave your baby with this person if you can’t trust him not to get boiling angry nor forget something important (drinks, food, nappy change, sleep).

Please, at least tell him that if he feels himself getting too angry, to put baby in cot (or get a playpen or anywhere completely safe), walk away, and calm down for 5 minutes. Your baby will come to much less harm if left crying for 5 minutes than if left with furiously angry man-child.

He has chosen not to take responsibility for his child so now he pays for childcare on the 2 days he’s home. If he won’t, then you leave him.

VettiyaIruken · 13/12/2020 15:44

He is not a good dad.
He's barely even a dad.

Anyone can bounce a baby on their knee. A parent takes care of their child! If he can't meet the most basic of his child's needs he's got no business calling himself a father.

MostIneptThatEverStepped · 13/12/2020 15:44

What an idiot.

Make a massive chart to put on the wall.

Something like

Has baby been fed?
Does baby need a clean nappy?
Is baby thirsty?
Is baby tired?

So he can refer to it at all points in the day when the poor baby is crying and his useless father can't work out why.

Or a timetable for the day. Or both.

He doesn't deserve to get out of caring for his son OP. Baby and you deserve better.

thepeopleversuswork · 13/12/2020 15:45

Whatever you do OP do not get yourself into a position where you lose your job. You're going to need it. I would get childcare sorted now -- if you need to pay for most or all of it so be it for now. Your child needs consistent and stable care and you need an income.

You clearly need to leave this man: he's manipulative, unstable and abusive. On the positive side your son is very young and will have very little recollection of him when you leave. I'm not going to minimise the difficulty of leaving because I realise its rarely as simple as LTB but you need to make a plan to do this. He really is not competent to parent and is certainly not worthy of you and his son.

I don't know what your circumstances are now -- it sounds as if there isn't somewhere you can go easily. But you need to do this. This isn't going to get any better.

CloudMoon · 13/12/2020 15:45

Jesus he sounds horrible and your two posts have been difficult to read. He doesn't want to increase hours because he's anxious about doing more than three days a week and also point blank refuses to look after baby, to the point of abusive behaviour. Useless. You're better of without this selfish git who has made it very clear be doesn't want to contribute sufficiently for his family and be a "dad" in and of the the home.

funfunfunfunfun · 13/12/2020 15:46

Every post I read about your partner makes me want to scream leave him!

MitziK · 13/12/2020 15:48

Just kick him out.

He's a danger to the baby. Even a five year old can comprehend that babies need feeding and will find something they can eat/drink. And if he hasn't got severe learning difficulties that put his intelligence below that of a five year old, he's deliberately threatening your baby with starvation to make you come home and look after the baby - and, more importantly in his mind, himself.

SarahBellam · 13/12/2020 15:48

Stop enabling this utter prick of a man. He has had months to learn how to parent his child. He clearly thinks it’s your job. As a first step I would sit dow and have a serious chat with him. He is as much of a parent as you - you need to do this together - that he is not a stupid man and if he can hold down a job he can look after his child - that you are not his manager and he needs to share the mental and financial load of child rearing - that you shouldn’t need to be writing notes and instructions and that he should know all this by now. Make your expectations clear and tell him that you are tired and get stressed and he needs to step up and act like a father, not a useless assistant.

KatharinaRosalie · 13/12/2020 15:48

No you absolutely cannot work nights and do childcare during the days. You will kill yourself.

NewlyGranny · 13/12/2020 15:50

Frankly, I can't see what this man is bringing to his relationship with you or with his child except stress and incompetence!

Truly, you would both be better off without him. Send him back to his mum and let her play babies with him. He's not a grown-up at all.

I presume on the one day he looked after the baby, he managed to have a drink himself from time to time? Why would he let a baby dehydrate?

Nicolastuffedone · 13/12/2020 15:50

Was he stressed and nervous about his job before you had a baby? Did he want to drop days before the baby arrived?

PurpleMustang · 13/12/2020 15:50

He gives you 400 and keeps 400, for what? When you said when paying for everything you are losing money? You need to sort your finances too

Redburnett · 13/12/2020 15:50

The fact that he has been prescribed ADs but won't take them is very telling. He is not willing to help himself deal better with stress. Seriously you are wasting your time even trying to resolve this. He is the problem and nothing you do will solve that. Send him back to his mummy and make whatever alternative arrangements you can re: job and childcare. Just don't waste any more time and energy on a man who is more demanding than your baby.

FilledSoda · 13/12/2020 15:51

Do not cut back your hours !
You are going to be a single parent and that job is going to be your lifeline.
He needs to fuck off.
Whose house is it ?

LassFromLeedsWithALustForLife · 13/12/2020 15:51

Another one saying long term you need to leave him and not have anymore kids with him.

Short term tell your partner he can put the baby in nursery more hours as long as he pays. Frankly, I know you don’t want the kid in nursery more than is necessary but it sounds like it’s safer there than at home with his wanker of a father.

For what it’s worth my daughters were both breastfed and their father looked after them alone for hours at a time from birth. Now they’re older he routinely does while days and nights with them so that I can work and study. Your partner is being deliberately obstructive, probably so you have to quit your job. Don’t fall into the trap.

SpaceOp · 13/12/2020 15:51

He's a complete baby. He may or may not have mental health issues, but I've seen women with mental health issues on MN say in the past that MH does not give you an excuse to be a dick. Sound advice.

So either, he works more to pay for the baby's additional childcare. Or he learns to step up. He needs to understand that there are consequences to lack of thinking and planning with a baby. For DH, who was a SAHD, this was one of the hardest things to get used to because he is not naturally a person who thinks ahead. But enough days of DS being miserable and cranky and tired and he got better because ultimately, it made life better for both him AND DS.

Having said all that, the fact that it doesn't occur to him that the baby might need food or drink is very concerning. I come across this a lot an I think it's a clear sign that these men see the baby more like a dog or something. And that's not a good thing. I'd be fuming.

I don't actually know the answer, but at the very least, he needs to accept that HE needs to have a solution. He either works more to pay for baby's childcare or he figures out a way to make this work.

BlueSpruce · 13/12/2020 15:52

What a pathetic man child. In my experience, this type of man doesn’t change.

VodselForDinner · 13/12/2020 15:53

Your boyfriend sounds like an utter loser.

He’s trying to sabotage your job and your life. Whatever you do, do not give up work.

I’d be seriously rethinking this relationship, in your shoes.

Confusedandshaken · 13/12/2020 15:53

Mobile phones can be a curse. My DH might have tried a bit of this when he first started looking after the D.C. on his own but to reach me he would have had to go through the switchboard and my line manager would soon have put a stop to constant personal calls!

Go to work. Turn your phone off and let him crack on.

Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 13/12/2020 15:55

Gosh. I felt like him when my youngest was little.

Having said that. A baby needs someone calm and loving looking after them.

Have a good sit down. If he prefers working to looking after a baby maybe the answer is you do give up work for a bit and look after the baby. It is old fashioned but still can work.

RedToothBrush · 13/12/2020 15:56

[quote Snowfl]@yearinyearout I would like him to work extra and contribute more so I could do the childcare and drop days that would work but he says his work is too stressful hence he wants to drop a day. If he drops a day he will only take home 800 a month. 400 of which I get for house baby etc. I have suggested he swaps careers then new job etc but it falls on deaf ears. Even his mum says he's too anxious to swap jobs it would be too much pressure on him and he would be nervous. Ive never seen this side to them before but I feel like he is babied[/quote]
Let him go back to his mum if he needs a carer. At least you'd get more options.