Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 26 27

Original poster

Help DP "can't do this anymore"

652 replies

Snowfl · 13/12/2020 14:48

I have returned to work so far only done two days and DP is struggling watching our baby. We both work 3 long days. Baby is at childcare one day a week which we both work so we both have him two days by ourselves and all three of us are together the other days. I have mainly been the main parent DP helps out the odd time but I've always found he has a short fuse and stresses easily. He's present in the room but not as hands on. I left him a rough routine written down as he requested and food left out labelled. So on day one of work I am pestered with multiple phone calls and texts. The baby hasn't stop crying he won't sleep. This is ridiculous I can't do this he's screaming and hitting the food away. When I get down to the nitty gritty of it turns out the baby hadnt slept and it was after 12 by this stage so to me he was hitting food away as he was too tired to eat and ended up sleeping in his high chair. Was behind on meals and over tired. DP then tells me he can't have DC the next day as he feels his mental health is going its too much with work and the baby. So I have to ring in sick for 5 days so he has a break!! This alone annoyed me I've basically done it myself for 9months where was my break??. I then resume work so on day two of him having the child alone I am again inundated with calls and texts. I get a phone call he's out for a walk it's half 1 the babies crying. I ask what's wrong he's crying he says idk he hasn't shut up he won't stop crying. So I ask well what time did he eat lunch and sleep is he tired? Turns out he hasn't had lunch as he was asleep. So basically he took him out at half 1 after a sleep for a walk and the child hasn't ate since half 7. Lunch is meant to be 11-12ish. I am not stuck in solid by routine I know things come up by didn't it click he should eat before he takes him out. I then get a text about 3 he's just ate two meals pretty much.then he rings me at 6 you need to get home now I can't do this anymore get home he's hitting the food away he's just crying he hadn't stopped all day he won't do anything I'm sick of this. So I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors walking around the house. I said he's probably not hungry yet he ate at 3 had two meals or he's tired. DP insists I come home saying he's not doing this again. I end up in tears in work saying I don't feel like I can even leave DP with the baby what am I meant to do give up work? I run home and the baby is in his vest crying. The house is upside down things everywhere. He smiles when he sees me and stops. I then proceed to feed him and bath him. I ask DP did he have drinks with his meals - no he forgot. So perhaps he cried because he wanted a drink? So he didn't offer him a drink with any meals today as he forgot. How can someone forget to give their child water meaning all hes had is one bottle at 7am. This angers me even more. What am I to do? I don't want him in nursery anymore than necessary and I can't afford it as I pay for it myself. DP wants him in so he can have a day to himself in the house. I feel so let down that a grown man can't look after a baby. I'm meant to be in work tomorrow and dreading going in as Im expecting more phone calls and I hate the thought of my son crying away as dad hasn't put him to sleep or give him a drink. I manage fine he hasn't cried today and I've just done the usual fed and naps at the time I wrote down which DP wanted me to do. Help

OP posts:

Sewrainbow · 13/12/2020 15:22

Ok read your update. This isnt just new dad can't cope.

I believe he is what is referred to on here as a cocklodger. I'd sack him off now, he won't support you and I'd fear for the baby's safety, given the drug issues and the temper slamming doors etc. He doesn't want to work so the childcare is facilitated. Whether that is genuine illness or laziness only you know.

I still stand by not giving up your job, you are going to need it even more in future. Your baby will be ok in childcare. Both mine thrived and you will work better knowing he is safe and looked after properly.

PerveenMistry · 13/12/2020 15:22

@SameO1d

Did he manage to get himself some food and drink during the time he neglected the baby?

So he wants to work less, not look after the baby (not even meeting the basic needs of a baby is neglectful and cruel), and have you pay for mortgage and childcare???

Leave him and protect your baby and yourself. What does he add to your life except incompetence, financial drain and stress?

What exactly does he feel he contributes, or owes your partnership.

Get rid. Do it now before the baby is damaged. This relationship is doomed so don't waste more time.

Do you have family you could share expenses and childcare with?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/12/2020 15:23

as @OnlyFoolsnMothers said
He’s either cruel or thick- which is it

I just can't understand his level of incompetence.. or if he's deliberately trying to sabotage any plans you may have of relying on him for child care.
If it is the latter then treating your poor baby so badly to make a point to you is horrendous.
It doesnt sound as if he's intending to make any effort to learn or improve either.
I couldn't leave a child with someone who is so utterly selfish that they can't give a young baby food and drink at the right time.
He should pay for nursery.
As for dropping another days work because he can't cope with two days a week and needs you at home on his day off.. Well... it does sound like you wouldn't be worse off as a single parent.

ravenmum · 13/12/2020 15:23

No, it's not new dad can't cope. It sounds like a man with a mental health condition, as he says himself.

BlueThistles · 13/12/2020 15:24

I agree with every poster on here... this guys a manipulative prick... he is sabotaging your job and income and wants to do fuck all.

MoreCookiesPlease · 13/12/2020 15:25

You think your partner might be on drugs?? Did I read this correctly?? If so OP you have more serious problems. You need to find out for sure if he is taking drugs or not.
I couldn't be with someone who has such a volatile mood, walking around slamming doors and phoning wife at work because he doesn't know how to look after his own kid! Can you think of options to leave?

Original poster

Snowfl · 13/12/2020 15:25

@liveitwe currently I do resent him. Im ashamed that he can't look after his own child. I wasn't sure if it's teething problems but it's just pathetic and I don't know what to do. I don't understand ant to make any rash decisions for my sons sake. I don't have family near me so it would be difficult to sort everything out.
@Sewrainbow I can't turn my phone off because I'm anxious about it now. I never usually use it but have had to have it on loud since returning for emergencies etc granted not for DP rants but I feel bad leaving my child in that environment also :( he's not an awful dad he can be good with him when we are both off we bounce off each other well I just don't understand why he can't do a day. I'm so angry and disappointed in him

OP posts:

mistermagpie · 13/12/2020 15:25

This is bloody ridiculous. We have a similar set up in that we both have one day a week at home with the children and while the other works and the rest is childcare for hole we both work.

Never, not once, have I had to leave a routine written for my DH, food out or labelled or anything or clothes etc out for the kids. When my DH is looking after the kids on his day he doesn't need a line manager, he is perfectly capable by himself just as I am. And we have THREE children aged five, three and one. My DH isn't superdad or anything, he's just a normal man.

If your husband is an adult who can hold down a job then he isn't a complete idiot or not ever 'able to cope' with stressful situations. I can only conclude that he is wilfully fucking this up to sabotage your working. Do not have any more children, whatever you do.

FangsForTheMemory · 13/12/2020 15:26

Sounds to me as though he's competing with the baby to be the one who gets the most attention. You've got a baby and a toddler there.

ohwhatamiserableyear · 13/12/2020 15:26

I'd be very blunt: "If you can't man up and parent your own baby, then get the fuck out. How fucking dare you continue to harass and ring me jeopardizing my own job when you are a fully grown, capable adult who is the actual second parent of this baby. You either grow up, step up and figure out how to get on with it like millions of other parents, or get the hell out of our lives."

Nottherealslimshady · 13/12/2020 15:27

So he doesn't want to work or look after his baby. Just sit at home scratching his balks while you do everything.

What is he actually bringing to the relationship? What's his contribution? If you cant think of anything substantial then you need to kick him out. You'll be better off without him

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 13/12/2020 15:27

This guy sounds like an utter cocklodger
Is there anything good about him?

GoatCheeseTart · 13/12/2020 15:28

So I have to ring in sick for 5 days

You're not sick. You can get fired for this. Who will pay the mortgage and nursery then?

As pp said, he does not want to work, he does not want to pay his fair share, he does not want look after the baby - has he ever asked if you want to and if you can cope? But no, you don't get to choose, do you.
I rarely say it but LTB. You don't need to worry about how he will cope with the baby on his contact days, he will never want to have any.

RedToothBrush · 13/12/2020 15:28

Kick him out if he is neglecting his own child. Take responsibility of this if he refuses not to.

Don't pander to this controlling shit.

He is capable of doing it. He is actively chosing not to.

Ohtherewearethen · 13/12/2020 15:28

Ignore all the posters telling you to turn your phone off. No mother would do that knowing their child could be at risk. Which begs the question of why you are still with this man? He is a neglectful, deliberately helpless prick who continues to put his own needs before his 9 month old baby's. You need to get rid of this man. You can get top ups or help with childcare costs from benefits. This man doesn't deserve to be a parent and he certainly doesn't get to ruin your job prospects because he is so useless it's actually becoming abusive. How can you bear to even look at him, let alone share a house with him?
He has had plenty of time to learn how to parent his child, he has chosen not to as he doesn't see it as important. No doubt he had given himself lots of drinks during the time he was witholding them from your son? A child knows humans need food and, more importantly water, to survive. Seriously, what is his excuse?

queenofknives · 13/12/2020 15:29

I totally understand why you're ringing in sick, OP. You can't trust him with the baby, and you can't bear to leave knowing that he might not even get a drink all day. Totally understandable and I wouldn't leave a baby in his care. He does not sound safe or reliable. I would sort out alternative childcare as soon as possible - your DP should pay for nursery care but if he won't, could you find someone who is able to help out temporarily so you don't end up losing your job? You will need an income and to make sure you are not handing it all over to DP, or paying more than your share for anything. What's your housing situation? Is he paying anything for the house? Start getting your ducks in a row and make plans for your future. Good luck

BiscuitDrama · 13/12/2020 15:29

Have you been able to have a calm discussion with your OH (understandable if you haven’t), to see what he suggests?

RedToothBrush · 13/12/2020 15:30

[quote Snowfl]@liveitwe currently I do resent him. Im ashamed that he can't look after his own child. I wasn't sure if it's teething problems but it's just pathetic and I don't know what to do. I don't understand ant to make any rash decisions for my sons sake. I don't have family near me so it would be difficult to sort everything out.
@Sewrainbow I can't turn my phone off because I'm anxious about it now. I never usually use it but have had to have it on loud since returning for emergencies etc granted not for DP rants but I feel bad leaving my child in that environment also :( he's not an awful dad he can be good with him when we are both off we bounce off each other well I just don't understand why he can't do a day. I'm so angry and disappointed in him[/quote]
He's coercisively controlling you if he's whipped you up into such a state of anxiety and you've had to call in sick...

thats abuse.

He's neglecting your child and abusing you.

He is NOT a good dad.

Ginfordinner · 13/12/2020 15:30

I don't want him in nursery anymore than necessary and I can't afford it as I pay for it myself.

The baby is as much his as yours. The imbalance in your relationship is awful.

Was your partner as on board with having a baby as you were?

Original poster

Snowfl · 13/12/2020 15:30

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff @OnlyFoolsnMothers he is not cruel not intentionally. Don't get me wrong I was tempted to report myself to SS as DP forgot to offer a drink to the baby. I think he over thinks it then panics and stresses and forgets the little things I.e a drink. I'm not making excuses I still think he's a twat and I'm furious for my child's sake but I don't know whether to help him or leave him. I am considering dropping my hours and maybe doing nights so I can be here in the day if needed granted I lose some sleep after a night shift but it's better than the current situation I think

OP posts:

Pikachubaby · 13/12/2020 15:31

What a useless man...

Keep your job, get baby in nursery for those days

Tell DH he can go and live on his own somewhere

queenofknives · 13/12/2020 15:32

I wouldn't leave a dog in his care, to be honest, let alone a baby. How awful for you OP. Fucking hell. Hope you can find a safe harbour for you and your baby.

Wnikat · 13/12/2020 15:33

He doesn't sound like he's safe with the baby. I'd put the baby in nursery 3 days a week, which you can pay for out of the child maintenance your partner will have to pay when you kick him out.

Scottishskifun · 13/12/2020 15:33

Tell your partner to get a grip and contribute for extra nursery days if he is incapable of looking after his child! He should be paying towards it in the first place!

You should be entitled to the govt 20% if you both earn a certain amount.
His response is completely unacceptable it's his child as well.

My son has been in nursery 4 days a week since 11 months and loves it nursery really is good for them.

You need to sit your partner down and have a very serious very frank conversation an extra day not working for him is not the solution he needs to sort it out.

ancientgran · 13/12/2020 15:34

I think nursery is better for the child but your husband needs to find the money if he can't do the care. If money is an issue would it work better if baby is in nursery for half days on dad's days, could he cope picking him up lunch time?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 26 27