To report to social services

[dreamadream1]

I would say I'm not going to go into detail in case she's on here but I honestly don't care at this point.

My half sisters (13 & 12) and brother (11) live with their Mum.

My dad has always been a part of their lives, it started that the eldest had a disability and she pushed the drs and finally the eldest was disagnosed with dyspraxia.

The middle girl has always loved school, been a social butterfly and had hobbies such as gymnastics.

My brother was a daddies boy when he was younger and my dad used to take him to football etc.

My dad and his wife have rules such as no phones at dinner table, no phones after 8:30pm, have veg with dinner and family time including a dog walk or similar every time they have them for a weekend is how they parent.

Gradually the weekends stopped, my brother is addicted to PlayStation and plays from 3pm to 4-6am (he doesn't go to school because he has "anxiety") so he refuses to go to my dads as they won't allow that.

The eldest hasn't been to school for 4 years and is not home schooled.

Now the middle one who used to love school and was confident is refusing to go and is staying home too.

The eldest has always been a nervous wreck, her mum telling her about plane crashes, boats sink, lifts getting stuck for hours etc therefore she has lots of fears that children just shouldn't have, Dad and stepmum managed to get them minus my brother to Wales with me and DH too where I saw the impact their mum has had on them, my 13 year old sister needed me or stepmum to wash her hair as she's never been taught, she wears a big sanitary towel to be in case she wets herself (in her words she's never wet herself). They are terrified of restaurants or enclosed spaces and have to know all of the exits. We were eating dinner and my dad had to go and eat outside with one of them as they were panicking so much.

She cooks my brother chicken nuggets for breakfast cos it's all he will eat.

My Dad used to have them every other weekend and see them 2 nights a week, now she's moved them 100 miles away to be nearer her family.

My Dad has asked to have them on Boxing Day (as he always has done) and she said they didn't want to come.

Stepmum text middle sister and she replied "well dad never bothered coming to our school plays etc" which are definitely not her words.

My dad has always worked full time but is the most caring, loving, funny Dad, she would tell him about parents evenings and school plays the day before so she knew he wouldn't be able to book the hours off work. He is heartbroken and doesn't know where to go from here.

My concern is that they all have anxiety, she's pushed for an ADHD diagnosis for my brother so he is dosed up on relaxants at all times. My eldest sister is a social recluse and now the middle one has stopped going to school too.

I'm concerned about their welfare (playing video games for 12-14 hours a day). I'm concerned that they are getting no education. I'm concerned about the irrational fears they have pushed on them.

Would I be unfair to report this? I don't want them to end up ruined and not living normal lives.

Any opinions welcome, sorry it's so long! Thank you for reading x

Stay out of it.

What does your dad think?

You can report them but if they are fed, clothed and not at physical harm they aren't overly likely to do anything, school will be on it if they aren't attending regularly unless they've been deregistered. However ultimately it's up to your dad to take mum to court and get full residency if he feels they are being neglected and she is damaging their emotional and mental wellbeing.

I think you are right to flag up any worries to the relevant authorities . We should all do that ! You can do it anonymously if you want.
What they do after investigating the concerns is up to them . Better to report concerns than do nothing and see the children's lives ruined and further.
If less people just stayed out of it as a pp recommends there might be less tragedies down the line.

I don’t know how they have been allowed to not attend school and aren’t home educated - there are systems in place to prevent children falling through the cracks like this.

And from what you’ve said, yes I would absolutely contact social services.

I think you should definitely contact social services about the lack of education.

If the ages were different I might think this is a family I happen to know (A family I am happy to report as I can see for various reasons the parents are "sinking" towards totally overwhelmed).

I think your dad needs to do some soul searching here, I take it they are his children (?)

If in any doubt definitely contact social services.

'Anxiety' isn't an issue for SS.

YANBU to report your concerns to social services. Give them the information. Then it will be their decision about whether to take it further or not.

I would definitely report this for the children's sake. Just the fact they're not getting an education is really awful, never mind the rest of it.

It's reasonable to report your concerns. Then it's probably a good idea to stay out of it all.

Nobody should 'stay out of it' when a child is at risk.

Of course you must report. It might not meet the threshold for SS to take action, but you won't know until you try.

And if school has also raised concerns at any point, you will help SS to build a picture.

To answer a PP, the children are my dads biological children.

He's had 3 mini strokes this year (he's only 51) and he's just got very depressed about this that he hasn't got the push to take it to court.

My stepmum is encouraging him to as well, she is a great stepmum and the kids get on great with her, but their real mum has got so into their heads, at one point they wouldn't leave the house for 3 months to see anybody because of COVID, not even to walk their dog.

Yes flag it up. If in doubt, always flag it up.

I would, yes. I’m astonished the local education authority hasn’t come after them to: is it worth putting in a call to them?

Another one saying report concerns to SS.

I would report if it's all you feel you can do.

My half sister has anxiety and I kept telling my dad I felt their religion (Jehovahs Witnesses) had a lot to do with her mental health challenges. Personally I had my doubts about her actually having the debilitating anxiety she was describing vs using it as an excuse to get out of frequent ministry (where they walk and approach strangers with their leaflets). She did very poorly at school due to my dad and step mum being extremely lax about school (it's a common JW attitude towards school). Anyway, he didn't listen and I ended up backing away from them all to focus on my A levels and uni.

Years later, my dad and his family are no longer JWs. My sister has absolutely become a different being. Confidence, hobbies, a boyfriend, learning languages etc. I speak a lot to her recently, and follow her on social media. I am so happy. I deeply regret that I let her stew in that religious mess until her early twenties. OP, have you tried reaching out to their mother/your siblings independently? I think they are old enough to talk to 'as a sister'. My sister was a bit more vocal with me about not enjoying life as a JW, but I couldn't do much to help her as I was fresh out of Uni. But I did let her come to mine on weekends (where it would get her out of ministry and meetings). Sort of like a safe space.

Try something!!! Good luck!!! Your siblings need another force in their lives. Children usually always have different forces of influence. If not now, they might know that you are a safe space for them when they're older and understand everything a little better.

You need to stop excusing your dad in this. He shouldn't need to be pushed to protect his kids. He could have got information from the school himself, rather than waiting to be told, and he have could absolutely been more involved.

There has been a huge upsurge in anxiety in teens (and everyone) due to covid. It sounds like she is taking the kids to the doctors and trying to help them with it.

An ADHD diagnosis isn't exactly easy to come by so I doubt it's based on her insistance.

You need to take a step back and look at the situation in a neutral way rather than painting your dad as a victim and the mum as a terrible parent.

I'm not saying you shouldn't report, you should if you have concerns, but to me it looks like you have your dad on a pedestal, an agenda against the mum, and that neither you or your dad really know these kids anymore so are assuming a lot.

DEf contact SS. (Lack of schooling, worried about mental health, Excluding the father, Poor nutrition,, poor routine.)

Definitely flag your concerns. Child welfare is everybody’s business so please ignore anyone telling you to stay out of it. That’s a shitty thing to do when the person concerned is unable to advocate for themselves. You just have to report your concerns objectively and then take a step back and let them deal with it how they see fit. And anxiety may not be a concern for SS but you’ve got to be pretty dim to think that’s he only issue here.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult have you ever dealt with anybody with depression? It's not as easy as getting up and going through with big things like court for some people.

I actually up until a year ago when the problems become more and more, had a good relationship with her, even though they split when my brother was 4 months old. So this isn't a personal thing. I'm concerned for my sisters and brother, I'm in no way saying she's physically harming them or even intentionally.

She called my Dad last week crying because my brother was so angry over something my sister said he punched a hole in their kitchen door and trashed their living room, pulling ornaments down etc.

My other concern is, she made allegations to my dad that her stepdad (the kids grandad) touched her as a child yet she's moved them 100 miles to be close to them.

Absolutely, my dad could have contacted the school to find out about plays etc but he's always worked 12 hour days including weekends to provide for them. He gives her a lot of money per month to feed and clothe them.

He FaceTimes them, calls them only to have their call cut short because they say they have to go. They have driven the 100 miles to see them 5 times since they moved 2 months ago only to be greeted with my brother refusing to move from his PlayStation to even acknowledge my Dad and they managed to get the girls to the beach with the dog for a walk and an ice cream.

My Dad is no angel, he has his faults but one thing I can't fault him on is his love for his children. To me, I couldn't wish for a better dad. He never ever fails to be there for us, he gives me emotional support especially through my recurrent miscarriages and he's full of affection for us all and a wonderful husband to my stepmum so no I'm not putting him on a pedestal however he's never let them kids down ever, not once has he ever cancelled a weekend with them, he's tried to book holidays, plan fun days out (they won't go to a zoo in case an animal escapes). Do you see the picture I'm building here?

@JayDot500 I'm so glad your sister is now happy.

I only have their best interests in my heart. Xx

I don't have any advice op I just want to say you sound like a lovely sister to be concerned and they're lucky to have you looking out for them.

I have got a lot of sympathy for your dad. If he has depression and has suffered three strokes, and his dc have been moved 100 miles away, and they are becoming teenagers who do tend to want their home comforts, then I am not surprised he is feeling overwhelmed.

But it also sounds like their mum is struggling. If she has kids with ADHD, dyspraxia and anxiety then she's got her work cut out and none of those will have been diagnosed lightly or on a whim.

I think your dad needs to make it clear that he wants to be more involved and not miss any more parents evenings or plays. He can talk to their mum and the school to make sure he gets all of the communications.

Beyond that, he must keep contacting his kids. You all must. One day they'll be young adults and they'll remember how hard you all tried, or not. He needs to keep texting, keep inviting, keep visiting even if they seem disinterested. Personally, if the eldest won't go anywhere without a console, I'd get him one. At least he's in your dads house, safe, fed, with his wider family and you stand a better chance of changing minds and behaviours then.