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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To report to social services

168 replies

dreamadream1 · 13/12/2020 14:42

I would say I'm not going to go into detail in case she's on here but I honestly don't care at this point.

My half sisters (13 & 12) and brother (11) live with their Mum.

My dad has always been a part of their lives, it started that the eldest had a disability and she pushed the drs and finally the eldest was disagnosed with dyspraxia.

The middle girl has always loved school, been a social butterfly and had hobbies such as gymnastics.

My brother was a daddies boy when he was younger and my dad used to take him to football etc.

My dad and his wife have rules such as no phones at dinner table, no phones after 8:30pm, have veg with dinner and family time including a dog walk or similar every time they have them for a weekend is how they parent.

Gradually the weekends stopped, my brother is addicted to PlayStation and plays from 3pm to 4-6am (he doesn't go to school because he has "anxiety") so he refuses to go to my dads as they won't allow that.

The eldest hasn't been to school for 4 years and is not home schooled.

Now the middle one who used to love school and was confident is refusing to go and is staying home too.

The eldest has always been a nervous wreck, her mum telling her about plane crashes, boats sink, lifts getting stuck for hours etc therefore she has lots of fears that children just shouldn't have, Dad and stepmum managed to get them minus my brother to Wales with me and DH too where I saw the impact their mum has had on them, my 13 year old sister needed me or stepmum to wash her hair as she's never been taught, she wears a big sanitary towel to be in case she wets herself (in her words she's never wet herself). They are terrified of restaurants or enclosed spaces and have to know all of the exits. We were eating dinner and my dad had to go and eat outside with one of them as they were panicking so much.

She cooks my brother chicken nuggets for breakfast cos it's all he will eat.

My Dad used to have them every other weekend and see them 2 nights a week, now she's moved them 100 miles away to be nearer her family.

My Dad has asked to have them on Boxing Day (as he always has done) and she said they didn't want to come.

Stepmum text middle sister and she replied "well dad never bothered coming to our school plays etc" which are definitely not her words.

My dad has always worked full time but is the most caring, loving, funny Dad, she would tell him about parents evenings and school plays the day before so she knew he wouldn't be able to book the hours off work. He is heartbroken and doesn't know where to go from here.

My concern is that they all have anxiety, she's pushed for an ADHD diagnosis for my brother so he is dosed up on relaxants at all times. My eldest sister is a social recluse and now the middle one has stopped going to school too.

I'm concerned about their welfare (playing video games for 12-14 hours a day). I'm concerned that they are getting no education. I'm concerned about the irrational fears they have pushed on them.

Would I be unfair to report this? I don't want them to end up ruined and not living normal lives.

Any opinions welcome, sorry it's so long! Thank you for reading x

OP posts:
raffle · 13/12/2020 16:41

I would imagine the ADHD diagnosis is genuine, it would be difficult to obtain by deception. The usual medication isn’t a relaxant. Could you ask your brother what he takes at what doseage?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 13/12/2020 16:43

Yes I know some people who have depression, and I cant think of one of them that would willingly leave their child in, what they perceived to be, an abusive situation.

Its great that he is a good dad to you, it sounds like he is failing these kids though, it really does.

Report your concerns, of course you should do that, but your dad needs to step up, find out what is happening with the doctors and school (he is entitled to that information) and get to court with all the facts, not information passed infrequently through kids.

Not excusing the mum, if what you say is true, at all. If true, a lot of that is awful and needs to be addressed correctly.

dreamadream1 · 13/12/2020 16:45

Thank you @Drogonssmile xx

OP posts:
EverdeRose · 13/12/2020 16:48

If your dad is so amazing, loves them so much, is desperate to see them and so worried about their safety why isn't he contacting social services or going through the courts.

You can say all you want about their mum, but she doesn't get to have a few days of not caring for them when she's not well.

Also I have a real issue when people discuss men working all the hours god gave to pay for children that they don't see and don't live with them, it's not honourable, it's not amazing, it doesn't make them special. You have kids, you pay for them, that's if you live with them or not.

Do you have much contact with your siblings? Or would you be raising concerns based on hearsay? If it's the first and you are truly worried about things they have told you then raise the concerns, if it's all just what you've heard from your dad and step mum and you're not close with them don't get involved.

dreamadream1 · 13/12/2020 16:48

@rawlikesushi they are allowed to take their consoles to my dad but they have to do some exercise (get out and kick a ball with my dad and take the dog out) in exchange for a few of hours on their iPads, PlayStations or whatever. They have their phones taken at 8:30pm so they can watch something as a family or play board game set. then to bed. They aren't strict on bedtimes, especially because it's a Saturday and will happily let the kids stay up until 11 odd when they go to bed.

OP posts:
Hellotheresweet · 13/12/2020 16:48

I just can’t believe you haven’t before

persistentwoman · 13/12/2020 16:49

Absolutely report OP. These are children being withdrawn from the world and harmed as a result. They are entitled to protection.
You could speak to the NSPCC - the details in your posts are enough to raise red flags.

Hellotheresweet · 13/12/2020 16:50

The no schooling for 4 years

4 years

Op - get moving FGS

ClearingSpaceOnTheTrophyShelf · 13/12/2020 16:57

Are the ch on roll at school?

dreamadream1 · 13/12/2020 16:59

@EverdeRose I've always been close to them, since they were babies I've seen them every single week.

We have a group chat that we talk on, share jokes and funny things.

My brother wants nothing to do with me, he says he doesn't like women and this become apparent when he was 10 and threw his chair at his female teacher, when asked why he did it, he said he didn't like females.

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 13/12/2020 17:02

@borntohula

'Anxiety' isn't an issue for SS.
How strange that thats all you took from this post.

OP, you are (probably rightly so) very defensive of your dad and a lot of this does sound very petty. But if you feel genuinely concerned, you should report. But be prepared for this to make the situation much worse.

EverdeRose · 13/12/2020 17:03

@dreamadream1
Do you still see them every week? How does that work if your brother doesn't want anything to do with you? How does it work him living with multiple women if that's the case.

As I said, if you know these things to be true and from your siblings report your concerns.
If you know these things from sob stories from your dad consider his motives behind it, from what you've put on here he certainly seems less bothered about such serious issues than you if he won't go to talk or speak to social services.

Milkshake54 · 13/12/2020 17:03

SS don’t deal with non-school attendance that is for the inclusion team within the local authority to deal with and if this is an on-going issue, I would be very surprised it hasn’t already been flagged up.

I would also be surprised if this meets the threshold for social care involvement, but most local authorities should have an early help team, which should hopefully offer some support to the mum.

I guess I would ask you, what you want to happen and what you want the outcome to be?

I saw your update about your father and his own emotional needs and how that may impact him being able to manage the demands of court. Although legal advice through family court would probably be his best shot.

Local authority support whether threshold met for social care or early help will all want to focus around the support that is currently present within the support network on both sides of the family and build upon that,

Girlyracer · 13/12/2020 17:08

Luckily they have you to look out for them OP and I agree you should contact SS. If nothing happens they are in for a really shit adulthood. Certain of their important needs are being neglected.

MrsAudreyShapiro · 13/12/2020 17:10

OP has no control over her father's actions. She can't make him go to court, report to ss or anything else.

She can control her own actions. Reporting to ss, keeping the lines of communication open with her siblings are things she can do.

willloman · 13/12/2020 17:15

Yes do report - it sounds like Munchhousens by proxy where your mum has transferred her 'ailments' to the children.

dreamadream1 · 13/12/2020 17:16

@EverdeRose I can't make the 100 mile trip every weekend. I have a house and a family too. I've asked if we can meet half way but she won't.

My brother won't talk to me, he has no interest in his mum or his sisters, he's just a very angry little boy with no outlet as he doesn't go to school or play sport or anything other than sit in front of his PlayStation for 15 hours a day.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 13/12/2020 17:19

I'd report them. No school is a big red flag.

dreamadream1 · 13/12/2020 17:20

@willloman I have questioned that myself, especially as she's had all 3 children diagnosed with something different.

The eldests dyspraxia is obvious, she's had weak muscles for a long time and other symptoms. My dad has been supportive of her diagnosis.

I don't for one minute believe my brother has ADHD, he was diagnosed at 3 years old and her reasoning was that he wouldn't share with other children and he wouldn't sleep through the night, my dad has copies of those medical reports. He's a little boy with no outlet, that's why my dad signed him up to football, he loved it until they bought a female coach in and he got so angry at her they banned him.

This is all very strange as my dad isn't disrespectful towards women so I don't know where this has come from.

OP posts:
Graphista · 13/12/2020 17:21

Very very similar to posts by new partners...

What evidence do you actually have beyond what your dad tells you and odd comments from and rare contact with your half siblings that there's even neglect let alone worse?

3 dc with a year or less gap between each child - how old were they when your dad and his ex split? If they were ever properly together (the way you word it suggests they possibly weren't)

Cos that's bloody hard work for a single mum even at the ages they are now!

The eldest has a disability which, let me tell you as the mother of a disabled child myself is bloody hard to get dx/treated/adjustments for!

My brother was a daddies boy when he was younger and my dad used to take him to football etc smacks of at least a little Disney dadding to me

Conversely

My dad and his wife have rules such as no phones at dinner table, no phones after 8:30pm, have veg with dinner and family time including a dog walk or similar every time they have them for a weekend is how they parent

Makes me wonder if your dad and his wife have dc of their own? There seems an odd mix of "Disney parenting" mixed with possibly over prescriptive parenting in other ways.

Gradually the weekends stopped, my brother is addicted to PlayStation and plays from 3pm to 4-6am

How would you know this for certain? Seeing as you're never there?

The eldest hasn't been to school for 4 years and is not home schooled again how do you know this?

The anxiety issues do need addressing but aren't necessarily purely learned behaviour if their mum is anxious type then genetics may play a part too.

She cooks my brother chicken nuggets for breakfast cos it's all he will eat

1 it's better than him having nothing - which happens in a LOT of households and ss would definitely not consider an issue. At one point I was very ill myself (has a breakdown so I absolutely DO understand depression - and anxiety I have dx ocd) and giving dd some "unusual" things for breakfast. I had some ss support among others at the time and "confessed" and they didn't bat an eye!

2 clearly she is aware that breakfast is important and is dealing with it as best she can

My Dad used to have them every other weekend and see them 2 nights a week, now she's moved them 100 miles away to be nearer her family. and? How old were the dc when they moved? Your dad could still see them at weekends and even in school holidays, he could have gone to court to get a contact order - why hasn't he?

Re their not wanting to come Boxing Day, around this age is when going to a nrp becomes a bit boring and a chore, it was up to him to have developed a closer relationship with them BEFORE now so they didn't feel like that so much AND to make it fun (without being Disney) for them

Stepmum text middle sister and she replied "well dad never bothered coming to our school plays etc" which are definitely not her words

What makes you think not her words? My dd would, could and did say pretty much the same to her dad around the same age without any prompting or influence from me!

My dad has always worked full time but is the most caring, loving, funny Dad, she would tell him about parents evenings and school plays the day before so she knew he wouldn't be able to book the hours off work.

Yep! Typical attitude from supporters of passive, lazy nrps!

She is NOT his secretary! He could easily have asked the school/kids clubs etc to ALSO keep him informed on key events, my dd is almost 20 and at the age your half siblings and even the latter parts of primary school so coming on 15 years ago most if not all schools had their diaries easily and publicly available online so in all likelihood he didn't even NEED to ask the school to email or post to him dates and times of parents evenings etc he could have simply looked on the schools website.

NOTHING you have said is especially concerning aside possibly from the anxiety/phobias (and there's a huge general increase in this among kids of this age especially this year!) and I suspect from the mother achieving dx etc that they ARE regularly seeing hcps who will have training, knowledge and objectivity that YOU so clearly don't!

I don't think you're concerned particularly for their welfare, I think you're more concerned about your dads lack of contact etc and are blaming that solely on their mother when he has done sod all in how many years to address this?

he's just got very depressed about this that he hasn't got the push to take it to court

There's always excuses by nrps/their supporters.

He hasn't always been this old (he'd have been 38 when the eldest was born and 40 the youngest?

You need to stop excusing your dad in this

Exactly!

but to me it looks like you have your dad on a pedestal, an agenda against the mum, and that neither you or your dad really know these kids anymore so are assuming a lot.

That's what I'm seeing too

even though they split when my brother was 4 months old so she was single parenting a 2 year old 1 year old and a baby and SHE is the one in the wrong?! Not buying it!

My other concern is, she made allegations to my dad that her stepdad (the kids grandad) touched her as a child yet she's moved them 100 miles to be close to them

My dad also abused me, I moved after my divorce nearer to my parents and other family for the support. Doesn't mean I EVER put my dd at risk! She's never even been within 6 feet of my dad! When did she move there?

2 months - well if you were GENUINELY concerned about this you wouldn't have waited this long and nor would your dad and you wouldn't even be hesitating about calling ss, but I don't think you are genuine

Also means until just 2 months ago they WERE near enough to have proper contact and for your dad go easily attend school events and gymnastic shows etc...but he didn't!

but he's always worked 12 hour days including weekends to provide for them.

Excuses excuses excuses!

A telephone call, an email, checking the schools website takes MINUTES and aside from phone calls can be done any time of day!

He gives her a lot of money per month to feed and clothe them

And?

I'd LOVE to know how much! I'm guessing it's actually cms minimum if that and he begrudges it! Very unlikely to be close to the 50% of what it actually costs to raise them!

My Dad is no angel, he has his faults you don't say Hmm

There's SO much more he could have done YEARS ago and chose not to. Kids aren't stupid and certainly by the time they're getting to early high school age they start working out this sort of stuff by themselves.

Were you raised by him? What does your mum think of him?

Something feels off and it's not necessarily your siblings mum!

Yes you can contact ss they're well used to fielding calls based on bias and misinformation but they're obligated then to at least investigate which puts stress on that resource and will cause stress to your siblings and their mother. Frankly I wouldn't be surprised to learn if there's already ss involvement FOR SUPPORT as she has 2 disabled and 3 anxious dc and is a single mum.

But I get the feeling you don't want her to get support, you want her to be officially criticised/admonished in some way, found lacking - that isn't generally how it works!

Also v unlikely the children would be removed from her care and placed in your dads as there needs to be awful things happening to the dc for that to happen (unfortunately for the kids who are being genuinely neglected and abused!) which I think may be what you're hoping for - even though it honestly sounds like the last thing your dad would want.

Ss also don't negotiate the terms of nrp contact.

That's for the parents to sort out and if they can't then it goes to medication and if that doesn't work the courts.

This whole thread has made me feel VERY uncomfortable.

You really need to examine your motives op.

Graphista · 13/12/2020 17:22

I don't for one minute believe my brother has ADHD

Based on what? Are you a hcp with expertise in this field?

Spidey66 · 13/12/2020 17:23

@MitziK

Stay out of it.
Seriously?

These are the OPs siblings, who she's clearly concerned for. It's good to see they've got someone watching their back.

I'd bring it to SS and let them make the decision.

Wheresmykimchi · 13/12/2020 17:25

@Graphista

Very very similar to posts by new partners...

What evidence do you actually have beyond what your dad tells you and odd comments from and rare contact with your half siblings that there's even neglect let alone worse?

3 dc with a year or less gap between each child - how old were they when your dad and his ex split? If they were ever properly together (the way you word it suggests they possibly weren't)

Cos that's bloody hard work for a single mum even at the ages they are now!

The eldest has a disability which, let me tell you as the mother of a disabled child myself is bloody hard to get dx/treated/adjustments for!

My brother was a daddies boy when he was younger and my dad used to take him to football etc smacks of at least a little Disney dadding to me

Conversely

My dad and his wife have rules such as no phones at dinner table, no phones after 8:30pm, have veg with dinner and family time including a dog walk or similar every time they have them for a weekend is how they parent

Makes me wonder if your dad and his wife have dc of their own? There seems an odd mix of "Disney parenting" mixed with possibly over prescriptive parenting in other ways.

Gradually the weekends stopped, my brother is addicted to PlayStation and plays from 3pm to 4-6am

How would you know this for certain? Seeing as you're never there?

The eldest hasn't been to school for 4 years and is not home schooled again how do you know this?

The anxiety issues do need addressing but aren't necessarily purely learned behaviour if their mum is anxious type then genetics may play a part too.

She cooks my brother chicken nuggets for breakfast cos it's all he will eat

1 it's better than him having nothing - which happens in a LOT of households and ss would definitely not consider an issue. At one point I was very ill myself (has a breakdown so I absolutely DO understand depression - and anxiety I have dx ocd) and giving dd some "unusual" things for breakfast. I had some ss support among others at the time and "confessed" and they didn't bat an eye!

2 clearly she is aware that breakfast is important and is dealing with it as best she can

My Dad used to have them every other weekend and see them 2 nights a week, now she's moved them 100 miles away to be nearer her family. and? How old were the dc when they moved? Your dad could still see them at weekends and even in school holidays, he could have gone to court to get a contact order - why hasn't he?

Re their not wanting to come Boxing Day, around this age is when going to a nrp becomes a bit boring and a chore, it was up to him to have developed a closer relationship with them BEFORE now so they didn't feel like that so much AND to make it fun (without being Disney) for them

Stepmum text middle sister and she replied "well dad never bothered coming to our school plays etc" which are definitely not her words

What makes you think not her words? My dd would, could and did say pretty much the same to her dad around the same age without any prompting or influence from me!

My dad has always worked full time but is the most caring, loving, funny Dad, she would tell him about parents evenings and school plays the day before so she knew he wouldn't be able to book the hours off work.

Yep! Typical attitude from supporters of passive, lazy nrps!

She is NOT his secretary! He could easily have asked the school/kids clubs etc to ALSO keep him informed on key events, my dd is almost 20 and at the age your half siblings and even the latter parts of primary school so coming on 15 years ago most if not all schools had their diaries easily and publicly available online so in all likelihood he didn't even NEED to ask the school to email or post to him dates and times of parents evenings etc he could have simply looked on the schools website.

NOTHING you have said is especially concerning aside possibly from the anxiety/phobias (and there's a huge general increase in this among kids of this age especially this year!) and I suspect from the mother achieving dx etc that they ARE regularly seeing hcps who will have training, knowledge and objectivity that YOU so clearly don't!

I don't think you're concerned particularly for their welfare, I think you're more concerned about your dads lack of contact etc and are blaming that solely on their mother when he has done sod all in how many years to address this?

he's just got very depressed about this that he hasn't got the push to take it to court

There's always excuses by nrps/their supporters.

He hasn't always been this old (he'd have been 38 when the eldest was born and 40 the youngest?

You need to stop excusing your dad in this

Exactly!

but to me it looks like you have your dad on a pedestal, an agenda against the mum, and that neither you or your dad really know these kids anymore so are assuming a lot.

That's what I'm seeing too

even though they split when my brother was 4 months old so she was single parenting a 2 year old 1 year old and a baby and SHE is the one in the wrong?! Not buying it!

My other concern is, she made allegations to my dad that her stepdad (the kids grandad) touched her as a child yet she's moved them 100 miles to be close to them

My dad also abused me, I moved after my divorce nearer to my parents and other family for the support. Doesn't mean I EVER put my dd at risk! She's never even been within 6 feet of my dad! When did she move there?

2 months - well if you were GENUINELY concerned about this you wouldn't have waited this long and nor would your dad and you wouldn't even be hesitating about calling ss, but I don't think you are genuine

Also means until just 2 months ago they WERE near enough to have proper contact and for your dad go easily attend school events and gymnastic shows etc...but he didn't!

but he's always worked 12 hour days including weekends to provide for them.

Excuses excuses excuses!

A telephone call, an email, checking the schools website takes MINUTES and aside from phone calls can be done any time of day!

He gives her a lot of money per month to feed and clothe them

And?

I'd LOVE to know how much! I'm guessing it's actually cms minimum if that and he begrudges it! Very unlikely to be close to the 50% of what it actually costs to raise them!

My Dad is no angel, he has his faults you don't say Hmm

There's SO much more he could have done YEARS ago and chose not to. Kids aren't stupid and certainly by the time they're getting to early high school age they start working out this sort of stuff by themselves.

Were you raised by him? What does your mum think of him?

Something feels off and it's not necessarily your siblings mum!

Yes you can contact ss they're well used to fielding calls based on bias and misinformation but they're obligated then to at least investigate which puts stress on that resource and will cause stress to your siblings and their mother. Frankly I wouldn't be surprised to learn if there's already ss involvement FOR SUPPORT as she has 2 disabled and 3 anxious dc and is a single mum.

But I get the feeling you don't want her to get support, you want her to be officially criticised/admonished in some way, found lacking - that isn't generally how it works!

Also v unlikely the children would be removed from her care and placed in your dads as there needs to be awful things happening to the dc for that to happen (unfortunately for the kids who are being genuinely neglected and abused!) which I think may be what you're hoping for - even though it honestly sounds like the last thing your dad would want.

Ss also don't negotiate the terms of nrp contact.

That's for the parents to sort out and if they can't then it goes to medication and if that doesn't work the courts.

This whole thread has made me feel VERY uncomfortable.

You really need to examine your motives op.

I don't disagree with some of your points but this is a bit of a prolonged personal attack , @Graphista
caringcarer · 13/12/2020 17:28

In your place I would have no hesitation in ringing SS. You can do so anonymously if you wish. Tell SS about the round the clock gaming and non attendance of school. Get them to check if any home learning is taking place. Your Dad has a right to access to his children and if their Mum prevents this then he needs to see a solicitor. You are right to worry. It sounds like their Mum is claiming they are ill/disabled, possibly to claim DLA. Report making child wear nappy just in case she wets herself but never has. No wonder she doesn't want to go to school with a nappy on. This is serious emotional abuse. Report immediately. I work with SD a lot as a foster carer and can tell you someone will check on your siblings and question about wearing nappy, not attending school etc. It will be taken seriously. Ignore posters telling you to keep out of it as if everyone did this more abuse would go unchallenged. Even if you have got it wrong it is still safer and will set your mind at rest to get SS to check your siblings are OK.

Leaannb · 13/12/2020 17:33

[quote dreamadream1]@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult have you ever dealt with anybody with depression? It's not as easy as getting up and going through with big things like court for some people.

I actually up until a year ago when the problems become more and more, had a good relationship with her, even though they split when my brother was 4 months old. So this isn't a personal thing. I'm concerned for my sisters and brother, I'm in no way saying she's physically harming them or even intentionally.

She called my Dad last week crying because my brother was so angry over something my sister said he punched a hole in their kitchen door and trashed their living room, pulling ornaments down etc.

My other concern is, she made allegations to my dad that her stepdad (the kids grandad) touched her as a child yet she's moved them 100 miles to be close to them.

Absolutely, my dad could have contacted the school to find out about plays etc but he's always worked 12 hour days including weekends to provide for them. He gives her a lot of money per month to feed and clothe them.

He FaceTimes them, calls them only to have their call cut short because they say they have to go. They have driven the 100 miles to see them 5 times since they moved 2 months ago only to be greeted with my brother refusing to move from his PlayStation to even acknowledge my Dad and they managed to get the girls to the beach with the dog for a walk and an ice cream.

My Dad is no angel, he has his faults but one thing I can't fault him on is his love for his children. To me, I couldn't wish for a better dad. He never ever fails to be there for us, he gives me emotional support especially through my recurrent miscarriages and he's full of affection for us all and a wonderful husband to my stepmum so no I'm not putting him on a pedestal however he's never let them kids down ever, not once has he ever cancelled a weekend with them, he's tried to book holidays, plan fun days out (they won't go to a zoo in case an animal escapes). Do you see the picture I'm building here?[/quote]
He os failing his kids now. Working and providing for your childrwn does not give you pass on being a parent. Your father has failed those kids as a parent. There is absolutely no excuse for him. When you call Social Services make sure to report your father's negligence as well

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