To report to social services

[dreamadream1]

I would say I'm not going to go into detail in case she's on here but I honestly don't care at this point.

My half sisters (13 & 12) and brother (11) live with their Mum.

My dad has always been a part of their lives, it started that the eldest had a disability and she pushed the drs and finally the eldest was disagnosed with dyspraxia.

The middle girl has always loved school, been a social butterfly and had hobbies such as gymnastics.

My brother was a daddies boy when he was younger and my dad used to take him to football etc.

My dad and his wife have rules such as no phones at dinner table, no phones after 8:30pm, have veg with dinner and family time including a dog walk or similar every time they have them for a weekend is how they parent.

Gradually the weekends stopped, my brother is addicted to PlayStation and plays from 3pm to 4-6am (he doesn't go to school because he has "anxiety") so he refuses to go to my dads as they won't allow that.

The eldest hasn't been to school for 4 years and is not home schooled.

Now the middle one who used to love school and was confident is refusing to go and is staying home too.

The eldest has always been a nervous wreck, her mum telling her about plane crashes, boats sink, lifts getting stuck for hours etc therefore she has lots of fears that children just shouldn't have, Dad and stepmum managed to get them minus my brother to Wales with me and DH too where I saw the impact their mum has had on them, my 13 year old sister needed me or stepmum to wash her hair as she's never been taught, she wears a big sanitary towel to be in case she wets herself (in her words she's never wet herself). They are terrified of restaurants or enclosed spaces and have to know all of the exits. We were eating dinner and my dad had to go and eat outside with one of them as they were panicking so much.

She cooks my brother chicken nuggets for breakfast cos it's all he will eat.

My Dad used to have them every other weekend and see them 2 nights a week, now she's moved them 100 miles away to be nearer her family.

My Dad has asked to have them on Boxing Day (as he always has done) and she said they didn't want to come.

Stepmum text middle sister and she replied "well dad never bothered coming to our school plays etc" which are definitely not her words.

My dad has always worked full time but is the most caring, loving, funny Dad, she would tell him about parents evenings and school plays the day before so she knew he wouldn't be able to book the hours off work. He is heartbroken and doesn't know where to go from here.

My concern is that they all have anxiety, she's pushed for an ADHD diagnosis for my brother so he is dosed up on relaxants at all times. My eldest sister is a social recluse and now the middle one has stopped going to school too.

I'm concerned about their welfare (playing video games for 12-14 hours a day). I'm concerned that they are getting no education. I'm concerned about the irrational fears they have pushed on them.

Would I be unfair to report this? I don't want them to end up ruined and not living normal lives.

Any opinions welcome, sorry it's so long! Thank you for reading x

Absolutely this needs flagging to SS, it seems odd that this hasn’t been flagged when all the kids are no longer attending full time education!

I’m not going to attack your Dad as I’ve seen on other posts, I have experience of a Dad with depression first hand and it is not all as simple as some people think it is. Good on your for being a good sister!

Gah! Autocorrect! MEDIATION not medication

@Graphista thank you for your comments.

To answer your questions, my dad and their mum were married. She was told she couldn't have children but they had 3 in just over 3 years and then she kicked my Dad out because of his long working hours and said it was easier for her to do it herself (in her words, to me, when I asked what had gone wrong).

My dad has 4 children including me and my stepmum has 2 (a 16 year old and 22 year old).

I know the eldest isn't being homeschooled because she's quite open about that! She has made no secret that she doesn't do any schooling or online lessons.

I also know it's true about my brother as my sisters have said, they have no reason to lie.

My dad did have a close relationship with them? As I said, he had them every other weekend from Friday after school until Sunday afternoon and saw them 2/3 times every week in evenings.

Not all women who are single mothers to 3 children are innocent, my dad was very involved even when she chucked him out.

Yes I was raised by him and had a lovely childhood. My mum speaks highly of him and they've always been civil.

I don't want them removed from her care completely, that would be detrimental to the children. I would like the no school and staying up until all hours playing video games investigated. They are being emotionally abused having all these irrational fears put on them also.

You've come across very rude and accusatory in your post, I will defend my Dad because I know he loves his children more than anything.

@Leaannb why on earth would I report my dad to SS? You're ridiculous. He's always been present in all of his children's lives. From birth. Including mine. He's always been the kind, loving man I know him as. When I say he pays for them, he also sees them! Until they stopped wanting to come because they don't like their rules because their mum does fuck all in terms of parenting and boundaries.

They won't do anything OP, we have family members who took their children out of school when the youngest was 10 and didn't home school at all and had no intention of ever doing so. We reported it but nothing was done or even checked. The youngest is now 19, sits and plays Xbox all day every day since age 10 and has no friends or qualifications (like his older brother's too) they've not been able to get jobs etc. Its shocking and frankly child abuse in my mind but nobody wanted to know despite reporting it many times.

@caringcarer thank you for your support x

How on EARTH is that a personal attack? I'm questioning the facts the op has stated in order to be fully informed. And ops aren't always "reliable narrators" people have biases and prejudices that's human nature. In order to properly support the younger dc she needs to be aware of hers and if they're overly influencing her.

It sounds like the family concerned do need support I'm just not convinced this is the right way to go about it.

And the op can't really support them properly if she's coming at the situation from a heavily and falsely biased perspective on the whole picture.

Also the dad is the one who should be providing that support as far as possible, which it sounds to me and a few others is not what he's been doing.

I suspect myself and those other pps that have picked up on these aspects have experienced and/or observed similar situations ourselves.

Go on the relationships board - tons of threads by single mums where the nrp is accusing them of all sorts without evidence and without stepping up as parents themselves.

There are also a fair few threads posted by nrps or their supporters (usually new partners/wives, closely followed by their mothers, very rarely as in this case by grown dc) who are only getting 1 side of the story and also lots of exaggerations and "ex wife always/never does x to/with the dc" "ex wife prevented contact" "ex wife didn't tell me about school events etc"

Nrps need to properly step up, make the effort with their dc from previous relationships and acknowledge the difficulties this can cause FOR the dc! Which very very few of them do!

Indeed often on those threads the version posted IS questioned and either the op vanishes, argues they do know the facts or (rarely!) comes back and acknowledges they were wrong and the nrp they were supporting is in fact a passive (At best) parent and basically just cba to put the effort in!

Yes I would report a d encourage your dad to apply for custody. What you describe is extreme neglect and is heartbreaking to hear.

I’m confused! You are quite a bit older than your x3 step siblings, your dad was married to their mum, but your dad raised you?? You lived with dad not mum?

So you lived with their mum at some point as well??

@Rinoachicken my mum and dad were childhood sweethearts and split when I was 9.

He remarried 6 years later and had my siblings.

It genuinely surprises me that even when there is something not right with how a mother is raising her children, the father is attacked.

She was told she couldn't have children but they had 3 in just over 3 years very common tale told by nrps after the split, rarely totally accurate. In any case certainly after the 1st they knew she could have children so the responsibility for family planning is on BOTH Of them

and then she kicked my Dad out because of his long working hours and said it was easier for her to do it herself

That sounds more to me and from your earlier comments like your dad hides away at work!

"I'm working so hard for my family and therefore do not deserve criticism" is a bullshit argument! 3 kids that quickly he should have been home more and supporting his family with his presence and efforts at home rather than spending crazy hours at work!

I know the eldest isn't being homeschooled because she's quite open about that! She has made no secret that she doesn't do any schooling or online lessons

I'm not an expert on home schooling or the law on it but I believe there's no prescribed set of rules?

I know there's no prescribed curriculum or anything.

I also know it's true about my brother as my sisters have said, they have no reason to lie doesn't have to be a lie! Can be exaggeration, teasing, sarcasm...

My dad did have a close relationship with them? As I said, he had them every other weekend from Friday after school until Sunday afternoon and saw them 2/3 times every week in evenings

The amount of time spent with them isn't alone what builds closeness. Also how did he actually manage THIS and 'work all the hours god sends' and if he was collecting them every Friday after school why wasn't he asking school then about events, for newsletters etc?

I'm not saying all single mothers are innocent or perfect, I'm saying it's bloody hard, relentless and stressful.

Also you've BARELY touched on your dads faults! You've portrayed him as close to angelic!

There needs to be some balance!

Yes I was raised by him and had a lovely childhood. My mum speaks highly of him and they've always been civil.

1 as your parents remained together throughout your childhood you have a very different relationship with him to your siblings. His presence in your home would have made it easier and more natural for him to be properly involved and engaged as your parent. Also you were effectively an only child, that's straight away less work than 3 aged 3 and under!

Also if your mum thinks so highly of him why did they split? Was that his decision?

You need to be very careful when accusing her of emotional abuse when you're not in possession of the full facts nor an expert on childhood anxiety.

Disagreeing with and challenging you is not rude!

because their mum does fuck all in terms of parenting and boundaries.

True colours seeping out op!

She HASN'T done "sod all"
She's raised 3 kids from toddler/babyhood as a single parent and has successfully had their disabilities dx (NOT Easy) she cares that they eat even when they have issues around this, and as you've not said otherwise (which I feel sure you would have mentioned if not the case) ensures they are clothed and housed and that there's a support network for the family.

my mum and dad were childhood sweethearts and split when I was 9

Contradictions all over the place!

So he didn't raise you then - not in any meaningful way!

How often did you see him after the split?

These kinds of post always bring out the horrors.

OP- if you think you have a correct assessment of the situation then by all means step in. Just make sure the information you have is accurate first or you’ll end up red faced and destroy your relationship with your sisters.

Be there for them. Let them talk to you. Your dad really needs to get himself together and apply for a court order. It is difficult and this year has been terrible for so many families. But if he wants to have more access then he seems to have ample ammunition to apply for custody.

@Graphista

You aren’t questioning. You are going through the OP’s posts line by line and picking holes one everything she’s said like you are cross examining a criminal in the dock. It comes across really aggressively.

It says more about you than the OP really.

@Graphista I saw him all the time as a child! Most evenings and I spent weekends with him.

The reason for my mum and dads split is nothing to do with this, they were together since they were 17 and simply fell out of love.

You seem hell bent on attacking my Dad when really you don't know him.

The 3 children were all planned, they wanted 3 close together. My dad had a full on job when they met, she still married him and chose him to be her children's father.

I will no longer be replying to you, you quite obviously have a problem with men and believe every single mother is an angel when in fact that's not always true.

@BelleSausage I won't be responding to her any longer, I didn't come here for aggressiveness to be chucked at me.

I came for some advice.

If you are concerned about the lack of education you can contact the Local Authority Home education team who can arrange a visit. I'm not sure whether this can be done without their Mum's agreement though but I'm pretty sure they would be able to advise.

2 of the children don’t go to school, one is now refusing too- I’d be surprised if social services weren’t either already involved or on the cusp of it. The children definitely need help of some kind. Are you in the UK? Only because I’m really shocked that any doctor is doling out medication (relaxants) to an 11 year old child who doesn’t have a diagnosis of anything. Those are controlled drugs usually.

You don’t mention your dad doing anything to solve this problem so he’s not exactly off the hook himself. Things like school plays and parents evenings would have been easily solved by asking the school to let him know separately when these things will take place. My ex tried that one in court and was told by the judge that the onus is on him to sort that stuff out with the school directly. He’s known the children all have difficulties of some kind for years and his ex might well be neglecting them and/or abusing them but apparently hasn’t gone to court to seek residency. By all means report your concerns to SS but neither parent comes out of this well.

@Graphista

How on EARTH is that a personal attack? I'm questioning the facts the op has stated in order to be fully informed. And ops aren't always "reliable narrators" people have biases and prejudices that's human nature. In order to properly support the younger dc she needs to be aware of hers and if they're overly influencing her.

It sounds like the family concerned do need support I'm just not convinced this is the right way to go about it.

And the op can't really support them properly if she's coming at the situation from a heavily and falsely biased perspective on the whole picture.

Also the dad is the one who should be providing that support as far as possible, which it sounds to me and a few others is not what he's been doing.

I suspect myself and those other pps that have picked up on these aspects have experienced and/or observed similar situations ourselves.

Go on the relationships board - tons of threads by single mums where the nrp is accusing them of all sorts without evidence and without stepping up as parents themselves.

There are also a fair few threads posted by nrps or their supporters (usually new partners/wives, closely followed by their mothers, very rarely as in this case by grown dc) who are only getting 1 side of the story and also lots of exaggerations and "ex wife always/never does x to/with the dc" "ex wife prevented contact" "ex wife didn't tell me about school events etc"

Nrps need to properly step up, make the effort with their dc from previous relationships and acknowledge the difficulties this can cause FOR the dc! Which very very few of them do!

Indeed often on those threads the version posted IS questioned and either the op vanishes, argues they do know the facts or (rarely!) comes back and acknowledges they were wrong and the nrp they were supporting is in fact a passive (At best) parent and basically just cba to put the effort in!

I get all that , but a long post picking out her quotes and criticising her would feel like a personal attack.

Good that you saw him so much after your mum and dad split but that shows that he wasn't as involved with the younger 3 as he was with you. The reasons why that are I doubt is solely down to his ex.

Perhaps that is the real reason for your parents split, but it's also a reason that's often told to dc to "protect" them.

I'm not hellbent on attacking anyone! Contrary to you and pps opinion.

I think your view of the situation is heavily biased and a more balanced view is needed.

The ex and mother of your siblings may not be being a perfect parent but neither is your dad and the ones being failed in all this are not responsible for that fact.

And I don't think it's "aggressive" to address and ask questions about the ops specific points especially when she's contradicting herself!

Eg

She was told she couldn't have children

The 3 children were all planned, they wanted 3 close together.

I don't have a problem with men at all! I have a problem with absent/ineffectual nrps (Male and female I have in my circle men who are single parents with residency and the nrp mothers are also poor parents) who place the responsibility for their having a poor relationship with their dc on the resident parent (who are doing/did the graft of parenting) and don't take responsibility for their part in what's evolved.

I also have a problem with supporters of such nrps who make excuses for them and place them on an undeserved pedestal (and really nobody should be on a pedestal we all are just muddling through parenting)

In order to properly advise posters need as much balanced info as possible.

Op is more than capable of dishing out plenty of criticism against the mother of these children, who has a tough set of circumstances - whatever ones opinion is of her handling it all! - Yet can't take some genuine questions to ascertain some facts and a fuller picture?

Nah!

These things are heavily nuanced and op has a very clear and unregulated bias here.

In order to support the dc in the best way then the dad here needs to acknowledge and address his own failings (in action as well as words) as well as any that exist on the part of the mother.

I don't think that's a particularly controversial stance to take.

Stop with the dramatics, refer if you're worried.

Social care will make their own assessment. Simple as that

Graphista did you miss the bit where she said they moved two months ago and Dad had been to see them 5 times? Up until this he had regular contact in the week and at weekends until the boy refused to come as they have rules in their house?

@Graphista she was told she would never have children as she has severe endometriosis!

She fell pregnant with the eldest and then they just said whatever happens happens because she wanted 3. They had the 3 children they wanted.

Stop making out like I'm contradicting myself or lying.

In fact, I'd rather you just keep your shitty comments to yourself.

Also @Graphista how do you know she's got a tough set of circumstances? She got the children she wanted, ended their marriage and broke my Dad's heart then started getting them all diagnosed with disabilities, pocketing lots of money through benefits in the process and even though the youngest is 11 she hasn't had to work because the amount of benefits she has covers her living whereas my Dad works his arse off to pay his way for them (as he should, as should any parent).

I have to agree that where I live, it takes a lot for ''social services'' to become involved, and its usually at the instigation of a school.

So a couple of ideas. If the children are not going to school or being homeschooled, does that come under the UK version of Dept of Education? Somehow when these kids dropped out of the school system, there must be some sort of traceability of where they were supposed to end up?

Secondly, who represented your Dad for the divorce and custody issues? Is it worth going back to see that professional. Sometimes a formal legal letter is all it will take to kick a negligent person up the rump. Or take it further...

The kids mother sounds a lot like my SIL who projected all sorts of silly nonsense on her kids to keep them in her circle. Funnily enough when she met a new partner, the then adult children started to disperse, but not without causing permanent rifts in the family.

I would certainly start with the legal ? professional Dad used and get some advice. Good luck.