To report to social services

[dreamadream1]

I would say I'm not going to go into detail in case she's on here but I honestly don't care at this point.

My half sisters (13 & 12) and brother (11) live with their Mum.

My dad has always been a part of their lives, it started that the eldest had a disability and she pushed the drs and finally the eldest was disagnosed with dyspraxia.

The middle girl has always loved school, been a social butterfly and had hobbies such as gymnastics.

My brother was a daddies boy when he was younger and my dad used to take him to football etc.

My dad and his wife have rules such as no phones at dinner table, no phones after 8:30pm, have veg with dinner and family time including a dog walk or similar every time they have them for a weekend is how they parent.

Gradually the weekends stopped, my brother is addicted to PlayStation and plays from 3pm to 4-6am (he doesn't go to school because he has "anxiety") so he refuses to go to my dads as they won't allow that.

The eldest hasn't been to school for 4 years and is not home schooled.

Now the middle one who used to love school and was confident is refusing to go and is staying home too.

The eldest has always been a nervous wreck, her mum telling her about plane crashes, boats sink, lifts getting stuck for hours etc therefore she has lots of fears that children just shouldn't have, Dad and stepmum managed to get them minus my brother to Wales with me and DH too where I saw the impact their mum has had on them, my 13 year old sister needed me or stepmum to wash her hair as she's never been taught, she wears a big sanitary towel to be in case she wets herself (in her words she's never wet herself). They are terrified of restaurants or enclosed spaces and have to know all of the exits. We were eating dinner and my dad had to go and eat outside with one of them as they were panicking so much.

She cooks my brother chicken nuggets for breakfast cos it's all he will eat.

My Dad used to have them every other weekend and see them 2 nights a week, now she's moved them 100 miles away to be nearer her family.

My Dad has asked to have them on Boxing Day (as he always has done) and she said they didn't want to come.

Stepmum text middle sister and she replied "well dad never bothered coming to our school plays etc" which are definitely not her words.

My dad has always worked full time but is the most caring, loving, funny Dad, she would tell him about parents evenings and school plays the day before so she knew he wouldn't be able to book the hours off work. He is heartbroken and doesn't know where to go from here.

My concern is that they all have anxiety, she's pushed for an ADHD diagnosis for my brother so he is dosed up on relaxants at all times. My eldest sister is a social recluse and now the middle one has stopped going to school too.

I'm concerned about their welfare (playing video games for 12-14 hours a day). I'm concerned that they are getting no education. I'm concerned about the irrational fears they have pushed on them.

Would I be unfair to report this? I don't want them to end up ruined and not living normal lives.

Any opinions welcome, sorry it's so long! Thank you for reading x

You must report this, apart from anything, denying the children an education is a form of neglect. And if they are not in school, nobody is watching out for them, no teachers can refer any of the kinds of things you have noticed.

This is the nspcc link www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/

There is a helpline top right — they will tell you who to call, or phone your local SS.

Your post raises a few safeguarding concerns about your siblings emotional and physical well being, plus the question of an abusive grandfather on their mother’s side.

I don’t think you have much option here. It might get worse before it gets better but you cannot let it go on like this knowing what you do about the situation.

All strength to you.

She has send children. None of this stuff is unusual for a send family to struggle with. Nor is the lack of suitable education and being stuck at home unusual for send kids. Something many send parents know and the ignorant judge on.

Unless you're the psychologist/paediatrician/OT who's assessed them, you have neither the experience or knowledge to decide what they do or don't have. Presumably you'll be reporting the person who negligently diagnosed the adhd and is prescribing relaxants for them when they're not needed and your own dad who is doing nothing when calling ss too?

I think you possibly need to accept that
A. Your dad may have had a bigger hand in their anxieties thank you think and
B. He may not be as good a dad as you think.

It's always easy to blame to woman but these children are teenagers and maybe they genuinely don't want to see him and for good reason.

The gaming time thing is funny or MN, 12 hours being considered too long - I was told on a thread recently that I was "cruel" because I "only" left my 8yo have 3 hours gaming on a weekend

@SweetpeaMidnight they both (her and my dad) fought hard to get her EHCP and she went to 3 different appropriate schools and said she didn't want to go anymore so my stepmum took her out.

@AurorasGingerbreadHouse he only stopped going to school since September. Before that he loved school, the same as my middle sister. It's the eldest who's had no education for 4 years.

@AurorasGingerbreadHouse they were due to be at my Dad's for Boxing Day and I have their cards and presents wrapped ready to give them but will now post them due to them not coming.

If you read down the post I explained I've offered to meet their Mum half way because I have anxiety myself and the thought of driving 100 miles on my own overwhelms me (my DH works weekends).

@DubbinDobbin she takes medication for her bowel as the muscles are weak.

There are a couple of things you can do...
Contact children's services in their area and ask whether any of this meets the threshold, ideally your dad should contact them , if it doesn't they can refer to the 'early help ' team which is designed to help with the stuff that doesn't need full children services involved.
Regarding the schooling, if she deregistered them, your dad will be able to contact their local authority (county council) home education team for advice. If they have not been deregistered then they will be known to the child missing in education team or the pupil entitlement investigation team who would have made a referral to children's services if any concerns so best to start there (these teams will be part of a wider education or admissions team) as your dad has parental responsibility he has a right to ask these questions.

MeringueCloud

*Yes80scolourfulif a child is electively home educated and the authorities suspect that a child is not being lawfully educated theycanintervene.

No they can't! Not without absolute proof and that's near enough impossible*

Where do you get that information from?

@SweetpeaMidnight they both (her and my dad) fought hard to get her EHCP and she went to 3 different appropriate schools and said she didn't want to go anymore so my stepmum took her out.

You can't just remove a child with an EHCP from school in the same way you can take out a non EHCP child. You need permission from the LA to do so. Your Dad should have been asked his views about removing the child and I'm not convinced the LA would allow mum to de-register if Dad wanted them in school, especially if there were any concerns about care at home. Your Dad could have taken action to fight this decision if she has in fact de-registered, but doesn't appear to have done so. Why not?

It's incredibly hard to find and get into a suitable school for far too many send children. Families can't just pick and choose and swap when they feel like it. Especially if the child is in specialist provision where it can be almost impossible to find and get into even one suitable school in your area, let alone three. If they've bounced around 3 specialist schools it's highly likely there just isn't a local suitable school. The local authority would not be moving them around specialist schools unless it was absolutely necessary. If they've bounced around 3 mainstream schools they probably need a specialist placement and Mum probably needs more support to obtain this. What is your Dad doing to help with this?

Sadly, it's horrendously common for send children to end up at home for months or sometimes years due to inadequate support from local authorities. Particularly if a parent doesn't have the energy or knowledge to fight the system. The whole thing is exhausting, their mum has moved to get more support, she is probably exhausted and perhaps can't cope with fighting the system alone any more as well as keeping up with the kids needs.

If you have concerns, I would suggest the best place to start would be for your Dad to ring the children's local authority SEND team to find out exactly what's going on with his own children's education. That way he can clarify exactly what is going on, as atm you are making wild assumptions because you don't fully understand how send and the send education system works (although I use the term 'works' lightly). Your Dad has as much access to the Local authority education dept/the schools as their mum does/did and the fact he doesn't even seem to know why they aren't in school and you're all assuming mum removed them on a whim, indicates he's not very involved at all and now it's all going Pete tong you seem to be scapegoating their mum.

If you want to report to ss you can. You might even do them a favour as ss might push the education dept to sort out the educational support they need and some support and respite for mum. But I very much doubt you will get what you want, which is for their mum to be declared a bad parent and your dad the poor innocent bystander and you the hero for saving your siblings. Whom you also seem to have no contact with despite being so concerned.

How does your dad feel about a SS report? As it seems to be you who is wanting to report and not your dad, who is presumably therefore not that concerned if he hasn't done it himself already.

Seriously OP, you are blaming the kids mum for their anxiety when you have anxiety yourself? I'm struggling to understand your lack of understanding around their anxiety even more now. Who is the common denominator here? And I'm not saying your dad caused it by anything he did/didn't do. Sometimes it gets passed along through the genes. Something to think about perhaps.

@SweetpeaMidnight my anxiety is caused by death as I lost my grandparents and 8 babies in the space of 4 years. Nothing to do with my parents.

Your comments really aren't very nice, saying I want to play the hero. Maybe I just love my siblings and want them to be able to flourish and live normal lives.

@SweetpeaMidnight I've made it very clear throughout this thread I have a lot to do with my siblings and have always been present in their life.

We FaceTime twice a week now that they've moved and have a WhatsApp group minus my brother has he has no interest in seeing me or speaking to me or any other woman in his family.

Oh and elective home education can be failed and passed to the investigation team if there isn't sufficient evidence that a suitable education is taking place.

[quote dreamadream1]@SweetpeaMidnight my anxiety is caused by death as I lost my grandparents and 8 babies in the space of 4 years. Nothing to do with my parents.

Your comments really aren't very nice, saying I want to play the hero. Maybe I just love my siblings and want them to be able to flourish and live normal lives. [/quote]
Can we read this post before we carry on hammering the OP , folks.

Sorry to derail but I think it's disgusting that someone got my post saying "yes report it" deleted purely because I shared my own personal experience of being home educated and how my experience of being denied access to decent education destroyed my life.

I realise the HE brigade on MN are extremely strident but trying to silence the voices of actual home schooled children is censorship and 100% wrong. The amount of abuse and harassment I've had on here over the years from the HE zealots who refuse to accept a single negative word about home schooling really is fucking bollocks.

OP I do think a lot of the things you are concerned about could all be because of the children's additional needs. Also, having lots of different diagnoses in one family is not at all uncommon - between them my two children have ADHD, ASD, Chronic Tic Disorder and possible OCD! Difficulties with school attendance can be because of disabilities and anxiety is really common with ADHD. It is also really unusual to be diagnosed with ADHD at 3 and as others have said to be prescribed relaxants - are you sure you have these facts right? The girl not being able to wash her hair and wearing nappies, the needing to find the exits before being able to sit down in a restaurant - all these things are not uncommon in neurodiverse families.

Hmmm I think in this situation I would flag it