To report to social services

[dreamadream1]

I would say I'm not going to go into detail in case she's on here but I honestly don't care at this point.

My half sisters (13 & 12) and brother (11) live with their Mum.

My dad has always been a part of their lives, it started that the eldest had a disability and she pushed the drs and finally the eldest was disagnosed with dyspraxia.

The middle girl has always loved school, been a social butterfly and had hobbies such as gymnastics.

My brother was a daddies boy when he was younger and my dad used to take him to football etc.

My dad and his wife have rules such as no phones at dinner table, no phones after 8:30pm, have veg with dinner and family time including a dog walk or similar every time they have them for a weekend is how they parent.

Gradually the weekends stopped, my brother is addicted to PlayStation and plays from 3pm to 4-6am (he doesn't go to school because he has "anxiety") so he refuses to go to my dads as they won't allow that.

The eldest hasn't been to school for 4 years and is not home schooled.

Now the middle one who used to love school and was confident is refusing to go and is staying home too.

The eldest has always been a nervous wreck, her mum telling her about plane crashes, boats sink, lifts getting stuck for hours etc therefore she has lots of fears that children just shouldn't have, Dad and stepmum managed to get them minus my brother to Wales with me and DH too where I saw the impact their mum has had on them, my 13 year old sister needed me or stepmum to wash her hair as she's never been taught, she wears a big sanitary towel to be in case she wets herself (in her words she's never wet herself). They are terrified of restaurants or enclosed spaces and have to know all of the exits. We were eating dinner and my dad had to go and eat outside with one of them as they were panicking so much.

She cooks my brother chicken nuggets for breakfast cos it's all he will eat.

My Dad used to have them every other weekend and see them 2 nights a week, now she's moved them 100 miles away to be nearer her family.

My Dad has asked to have them on Boxing Day (as he always has done) and she said they didn't want to come.

Stepmum text middle sister and she replied "well dad never bothered coming to our school plays etc" which are definitely not her words.

My dad has always worked full time but is the most caring, loving, funny Dad, she would tell him about parents evenings and school plays the day before so she knew he wouldn't be able to book the hours off work. He is heartbroken and doesn't know where to go from here.

My concern is that they all have anxiety, she's pushed for an ADHD diagnosis for my brother so he is dosed up on relaxants at all times. My eldest sister is a social recluse and now the middle one has stopped going to school too.

I'm concerned about their welfare (playing video games for 12-14 hours a day). I'm concerned that they are getting no education. I'm concerned about the irrational fears they have pushed on them.

Would I be unfair to report this? I don't want them to end up ruined and not living normal lives.

Any opinions welcome, sorry it's so long! Thank you for reading x

If you’re concerned about their welfare then yes of course report.

However, you are excusing your dad far too much and are only getting half of the story here. There is no excuse to be that absent from your children’s life unless there is an injunction against it. If they’re being treated as awfully as you are making out then he needs to step up.

If you have genuine concerns, of course you should report. They can then take appropriate actions.

They will possibly already be known to their local authority. When a child is deregistered from school, the local authority is informed. In fact many home educators are in yearly contact with their local authority and provide yearly reports of work done. That's not the case for everyone though. When moving to a new local authority, if the old LA know where you're moving, they generally inform the new LA. But they can only do this if they know about the move.

Why would you never believe the ADHD diagnosis? Why do you believe it to be incorrect?

Also your dad may be a wonderful dad to you, but that doesn't mean he is a wonderful dad to all his children. You talk about all the help and support he has given you, but what about his other children? His depression appears not to have got in the way of your relationship but it is with his other children. There is more that he should have done, before now. You may love your dad and I don't doubt its been a difficult year with his health problems. That does not excuse him not doing enough though, especially when there's concerns such as you have raised

It's a shame that your father is not able to report them himself or get a solicitor and fight for custody. However, if he's not strong enough, and you are, then I think that you should do this. Actually, it doesn't even have to be social services - it could be the Local Education Authority. Children are required to be in school or receive home schooling. And home schoolers are meant to be visited (every six months I thought) to ensure that they are receiving an education. So, rather than report to SS, as a first step you could express your concerns to the LEA about their education or lack thereof and ask them to arrange a home visit. That way it would appear as a routine assessment rather than somebody shopping their mum to SS. They also have a duty of care and a duty to raise any safeguarding issues. If that doesn't work, then I think that you should go to SS.

What is your father's opinion on all of this?

Thank you @Arthersleep that's a good idea.

I do not want to separate them from their Mother at all, I want them in school and living normal lives.

I would rather not get social services involved but if I believe they are being emotionally/psychologically harmed then as their big sister it is my duty to raise that concern, and I would absolutely do the same if it was my biological mother or father treating their kids like this.

I will look into the education side of things first.

For a child to be diagnosed with ADHD aged 3 in England would be pretty unusual ( in England) and would presumably be showing significant difficulties. And they don't generally medicate for ADHD with relaxants either.

I'm not sure why people dont believe that dla benefits can be a decent sum of money. I get £420ish dla a month for my dc which is spent on extra curricular activities. If you have 3 times that and carers allowance and none of your children left the house, then youd be £1450 a month richer to spend on stuff, that may include (imo) inappropriate stuff. I'm not saying all parents of disabled children do this, far from it, but I have to laugh at MNs insistence that absolutely no parents do this and all parents of disabled children are holier than thou. Parents of disabled children can be just as feckless as parents of nt children. Op id report but tbh I wouldn't think anything will come of it. Not because the situation is wrong and harmful to the children, but because SW are so overworked unless kids are in mortal physical danger then they will be very low priority sadly.

What a tough situation for you. As a child protection worker, albeit in another country, I would find these more quality of life issues than child safety issues. It's all grey area of course. People do have a right unfortunately to be bad or inefficient parents. Where I am, school attendance is not part of child welfare legislation. You could call and discuss it though and see it it meets the criteria for screening in your area. Regardless it's very difficult for you I've no doubt.

Have just read Graphista's posts and am a bit perplexed as to how she couldn't appreciate how aggressively her posts came across. It's one thing playing a neutral questioning role and be a devil's advocate. It's another to act as a barrister in a murder trial. If you genuinely can not see how your posts crossed the line, then I would listen and try to take on board some of the feedback here.

Please contact SS. Those poor kids.

You can also ring the NSPCC for advice too if you're not sure as to how to approach it.

@DubbinDobbin when he was actually staying at my dads he obviously bought his meds with him, as did my eldest sister for her dyspraxia so we know what tablets he's on and they are relaxants.

He was diagnosed at 3 because she kept insisting something was wrong with him, I know everyone thinks it's not easy to convince a dr for a referral but it can be and does happen.

Thank you @EmilyinWolverhampton x

Thank you @haggistramp to show the other side of how it CAN be claiming benefits x

One of my son's has ADHD, nor medicated yet but we've had a long discussion over medications. It's intriguing that your brother has been prescribed a relaxants.

I've been through the assessment process 3 times, I'd say it would be unusual for a paediatrician to diagnose because a parent insisted at 3. That would definitely be cause to escalate a complaint. Presumably your dad has PR.

And High Rate DLA would usually need significant evidence and being out of the school system would make that more difficult. Presumably must have ongoing input from medical professionals.

@MeringueCloud

Yes 80scolourful if a child is electively home educated and the authorities suspect that a child is not being lawfully educated they can intervene.

No they can't! Not without absolute proof and that's near enough impossible

I think you should report it. I would suspect the mother is possibly trying to get some sort of diagnosis so she can get DLA and carers allowance.

My DD became reclusive during lockdown but has been going into school & we have encouraged her to do more things.

Your brother is probably just active (well 'was' active before he got put on relaxants). Does he not do any sports? Most boys need to burn off energy even if it's cycling or trampolining.

@dreamadream1 if he was constantly calling and texting, then he knew pretty quickly that wasn’t getting him anywhere. Did he even have one conversation with a solicitor for advice on what the next steps would be? (to be honest, if you say he did, I’ll find it odd that you didn’t already mention it). He’s been pathetic, and let them down.

@converseandjeans she already gets highest rate DLA for the eldest plus DLA for the youngest. Plus housing benefits etc.

He lets off no stream whatsoever, she allows him to play PlayStation for 12-15 hours straight and wonders why he puts holes in her doors, walls and breaks ornaments on purpose.

That's really sad. He probably just needs to get outdoors. His brain and body aren't getting the exercise they need.

I feel sorry for the girls too - unable to wash hair at 13, no school for 4 years. Sounds odd.

Surely she has to explain what she spends DLA on?

I've also never heard of medication for Dyspraxia, what kind of medication was that?

I’m surprised this hasn’t been flagged by their school and the LA, let alone SS.
I’d alert SS too, but surprised they haven’t been involved before.

@MitziK

Stay out of it.

Really? You read all that and this was your conclusion? I’m bloody lucky as I’ve never been in the situation where I’ve needed to report anything but if that were my family in that situation I’d be damn right not staying out of it.

When I see comments like that, although of course I know there are people who report just for fun, I genuinely fear for the human race.

If these were my siblings I would be inclined to report them if I believed that BOTH their parents were failing them, which this might be a situation of.

Or maybe what's going on is being misconstrued? A child who has not been to school for 4 years will usually be under the Ed psych. If they can't find a school due to behavioural problems and precious exclusions, this could well be why he's not attending. This does happen! Maybe he's angry because he feels his mum has foaled him and he is socially isolated and the onto thing that calms him is gaming? Maybe the holes in walls are the result of poor emotional regulation which could be part of his ADHD and the consequences of his ADHD?

This sounds to me like a single parent struggling with FA support from her ex (because he's working long hours, paying maintenance yeah but also not sharing any of the emotional burden of raising 2 possible 3 teens with additional needs). She has decided to prioritise some family support, even though her family are a shit show and their is some horrible history, at least she won't be quite so alone.

There are so many different ways to view this story. Honestly if these were my siblings I would try and ignore the rumour mill and hearsay and concentrate on being there for my siblings. Keeping the lines of communication open, turning up to them. Having a good adult role model and relationship can be much more important to teens than anything SS might put in place.

You say you have your own commitments, are these really so great that you can't phone/text/zoom/FaceTime regularly? It's Christmas soon, why not send some cards with a letter inside and and invite to visit? And a carefully chosen gift (but with a gift receipt just in case!)