Feeling overwhelmed with baby and job and man child husband

[jutasking]

I had my first baby in January this year and decided to go back early from Mat leave for financial reasons. My job is full on and high pressured. I keep getting to breaking point and just losing it and crying and screaming but my husband just doesn't seem to get it and makes me feel like I just whinge and I'm dramatic.

I just don't know how long I can keep doing this. The housework just gets on top of me as it's my sole responsibility and until a few weeks ago so was my baby girl. I told my husband I'm just breaking and he needs to help. Sometimes I just want to leave him and run away. I just can't see how I'm ever going to be happy in my life / situation. I had a nanny but it didn't work out so I'm on my own at the moment. My husband stays home some days and other days my mother in law comes. Some days I just kind of have to manage and work late when she's sleeping.

It's the housework though. It brings me to breaking point when I see the mountain of laundry I have to do and all the other bits that I just keep needing to do to keep things going. I'm also starting to feel guilty about not being able to give my baby girl 100 percent . She's been going through a strange couple of weeks of just crying more and I just feel so awful when she's upset.

I got upset tonight and my husband just said ' he doesn't need this right now ' and I'm always dramatic and I should just ' chill out ' about housework. I'm really just doing the bare minimum to keep the house from imploding and to have some kind of order as we can't live in a complete mess. I just don't know what to do. I just want to run away. I just feel stuck. I feel like other mums can just do all this, I just can't do it all. I also suffer from a chronic illness. Which doesn't yet affect me day to day, but could make me disabled in the future so it's hard to say how much this plays into what I can take on. I just feel rubbish.

Pack a bag and go to your mothers.

He is a selfish prick and won't change.

Go to your mother and get your strength back.

This is who he is.

@jutasking

When I tried to give examples of things that would help- like for example this mod h g he made himself a coffee but of course leaves the milk out and everything else he used too. I said it would be a start just to finally learn to put things away. He just left.

What is the point of him? What does he add to your life? In what ways does he make you happy, or just indicate that he has any interest in making you happy? How does he show that he cares about you?

OP looking after a baby full time is hard. Working full time is hard when you're doing all the household stuff as well. You're trying to do something that is actually impossible. Literally nobody could do this.

You've spoken to your husband loads. He isn't changing. He can't even put the milk away after he has made a coffee. That is so so disrespectful, it's an attitude of why should be bother when you'll do it for him, its treating you like a servant.

He won't change now. The sexism is too engrained. I think you should just pack up and leave and go to your mums. For your daughters sake as you will break if you try and carry on like this.

I would also consider splitting up and putting your daughter in nursery when you get vaccinated. It is still hard to work when you have a baby in the house even when someone else is looking after them.

He called me as I couldn't even say goodbye to him and apologised and will be more tidy apparently. I just don't think he has it in him. He basically just never learnt it. The bedroom is full of his clothes stuffed behind doors and stuff like that, I have no idea what's clean or dirty etc. I'm not the tidiest by any means either but I really do try as since having the baby I just can't stand it and it really pushes me over the edge. Like I see all the stuff and the walls feel like they're closing in. But yeah it's tough when someone is like that. He also leaves cupboards open a lot. I had to drill it into him not to do that. Who does that ? That's not even something I had to learn ever in my life. I think counselling is the only way. I have to give it one shot with him, but it's true the sexism is possibly just too engrained from birth basically.

I also just don't feel like I know anyone where house work is 50 50 and looking after the baby is 50 50. Well perhaps my two best male friends. They also just respect their wives rights to see their families more whereas I'm met with ' you live here ' ' your loyalty should be with us ' ' you can't just leave me alone and go and see your family constantly for weeks on end '. That's actually been the main discussion point this year. Even worse than cleaning and all that stuff. Because I suggested I would be comfortable if I could go and stay with my mum every couple of months for a week or two and he said that was too much and that I'm not loyal. I wanted to do rotated child care kind to thing to save money. My family live quite far away so I can't just go there for a day.

Your husband is a piece of shit and he's not going to change. He'll be heartbroken that he has to wash his own pants and he's lost his slave. I know it's hard to leave, but it's so much better on the other side. Staying with him teaches your daughter that this is a perfectly acceptable way of treating a woman.

If he can’t even close cupboards or put things away after making a hot drink, I don’t know if he is capable of change.
Do not have another child with him.

Right. You need to get some help with your covid anxiety. Read the stats especially around your demographic. You are way out of perspective and this is negatively impacting your decision making. You don't want a nanny in the house as it means you feel the house needs to be tidier. So get your baby booked into a lovely nursery.

As an employer I would not tolerate anyone back to work without adequate childcare provision.

Bin the man child. Let his heart be broken. He is a father. He is able to work a washing machine and load and empty a dishwasher. But he doesn't want to. And you allow him the choice. Once he lives on his own he won't have a choice. Even if you take him back at least he will have known what reality looks like.

Get a cleaner. Again, your anxiety around covid is disproportionate to the help you need.

So in the nicest way. He needs to man up. And you need to woman up too. Good luck

@Weenurse my mum keeps telling me that too. Don't have another child. It will be even worse and you'll still be expected to work and manage everything. I remember when it first dawned on us we would need a nanny for sure because you can't just get by working from home and looking after a baby and the house and him and the in laws were like ' omg so expensive '. He was not happy with the cost- like I should somehow do it alone. He kept pulling a face about the cost which made me feel bad. He was also very quick to tell me to fire the nanny when things went wrong. In any case I am getting a new nanny as it's impossible but I know he's not happy about the cost and in laws judge it too. I mean I don't know if that's what they really think and what he really thinks but that's what it felt like when it kept being mentioned how much it costs and how terrible it is that we have to spend money on it.

Plenty of people do 50 50 (although women still do the majority of house / child stuff but i think its slowly changing). I know lots of couples where the man does part time or condensed hours to do their share of childcare, or have to leave work early because it's their turn to do pick up from nursery or take an emergency days leave because its their turn to look after a sick child. My husband got up at 6.30 this morning with the kids and got them breakfast and tidied away last nights dinner things, while I had a lie in. We shared paternity leave for our first and when our second came along he took parental leave from work for a few months after maternity leave so he could spend some time looking after them.

But actually it doesn't matter what other people do. Just because there are plenty of shit partners out there and shit fathers doesn't mean that he is somehow absolved of his responsibilities to you and to your daughter because hes a man and a lot of them are shit. I hope the responses on this thread have shown you that he is actually worse than most anyway.

By all means try counselling. But I'd have a back up plan - I'm not sure that someone that thinks doors close themselves, he doesnt need to do laundry because he has a manual job, and that he deserves a bed more than his wife who has just gone through childbirth, is capable of a complete u turn on his beliefs from talking it over for an hour a week

Having read all your posts OP I think your relationship has come to an end, This man has no respect for you or your feelings, he is lazy, rude and unpleasant, it seems to me that all he sees in you is a servant/cash cow. You sound intelligent, kind, loving and totally overwhelmed!, This man is spoiling your enjoyment of having a lovely baby, you must realise that you will never get this time back?

I would leave and start again, you are obviously in good employment and have the support of your parents. I would hazard a guess that once you have found your feet you will see very little of this man in regards of parenting, someone this lazy will soon find an excuse not to see their child, afterall, having a child eow would require effort.

Most relationships are not a 50-50 affair but good partners know this and play to their own strengths and have enough love and respect for each other to do their part in running a household, childcare, earning a living etc, you are not getting what you rightly deserve!

@LadyGAgain by demographic do you mean my age only ? Yeah my covid anxiety is really preventing a lot of the help I need. If it wasn't for that, it would be easier. I did have child care in place, it's just recently that it has been more sporadic, but most days I do have help. But yeah point taken about womaning up.

Just imagine, your own place, all tidy as you like it, a nanny to help you and you enjoying your time with your baby, no more stress about his washing, his dinner, his mess, him needing the bed more than you, you doing what you want with the money you have earned, sounds like bliss to me!

It wasn't meant to be harsh. But empowering. I really want you to feel back in control. You've got this.

Ignore what your in laws think. Most jobs that I know of where people work from home it is either expected or written into their contract that the employee is not looking after children as well other than in emergency situations because they know you literally can't do a job and look after a baby or young child. Would you take a baby into an office with you? Of course not so why anyone thinks you can do it at home is beyond me. Also...I mean they raised a man child, their opinions are worth shit.

I also think you should consider nursery, I have not heard of any covid spread though nurseries. It is much easier to work when your child is out the house. The tidying for the nanny issue is solved. And you arent reliant on one person. I think as ultimately you will probably end up leaving, you need to protect your job as much as you can at the moment, and if you are not performing because of childcare you need to sort that first

@OoohTheStatsDontLie yes this thread has shown me a lot. I just didn't realise how bad it was because in my family the men sit at the table while the women serve them. My dad never as much as lifts a finger and my brother is even worse. My sis in law is a slave. Much much much worse than me. I don't think my brother ever changed a nappy in his life and never got up in the night. He does absolutely nothing, except bring the money home. His wife runs his baths for him, brings him breakfast in bed, literally leaves her children screaming when he's back from work and wants to eat. And guess who says that my brother ' has it good ' - of course none other than my dearest husband. He also sometimes says stuff like - I'm sure your brother has never done this or done that... it's a joke. My sis in law is a stay at home mum but still. It's absolutely painful and I do not know how she does it. My mother in law is not as bad but she feel sorry for my husband when I'm away. Because you know, it's not easy for him to look after himself. I think that the convenience of me being here is why he doesn't want me to go away ever. Ridiculous. But honestly I don't have tons of friends who I see all the time and who's business I know. So the only people I really see is my immediate family and his. And especially in my family, I'm a feminist and actually 'have it good' because my husband isn't completely used to having a cooked dinner every night. It's something he complains about but he's kind of used to the fact it's not always available. My mum has to sprint home to cook and my sis in law is a complete slave. So it's just what I see.

I couldn't read and run op

I don't blame you for feeling how you are. As others have said your DH is completely out of order for behaving the way he is.
You say he would be heartbroken if you left... I'm sure he would be. But you're heartbroken now, and by sounds of it your spirit is being broken too..... and he refuses to help.
Chances are he will say he will help now and maybe he will for a few days or weeks but it will easily slip back into old habits.
You need to decide how many chances you give him.
What kind of relationship do you want to model for your daughter? Because if you stay and this continues it will normalise this kind of relationship to her, the woman does it all!! And that will be her.

It's never easy to leave a marriage, and not something you should consider on the back of a few strangers posts but you have to have a line in the sand somewhere. Just don't let it be too far down the line. Xxx

@LadyGAgain oh of course don't worry. I appreciate it thank you. I do need to do something !

sorry @jutasking, back with another thought, you have mentioned you have MS, I don't mean to be cruel, but what would happen if your health deteriorated? I have a chronic illness and my dh is wonderful about it and does all he can to help me when I'm ill.

What would your situation be?, If he does nothing now he is not likely to be much good if you need to rely on him in future!

OP, these cultural expectations are ingrained from day 1. I've seen a lot of my girl friends being treated differently to their brothers, shown how to cook and clean, with the expectation that they will do that for their husband when they get married. One girl who is married cooks every evening, and when I asked her where her husband was during the preparation, she said "oh he's always busy". And when I asked him what he was doing, he said he was researching the latest iPhone to buy! You can't do that in your own time?!?!

These same girls went on to marry outside their culture coz they couldn't deal with being the only person carrying the household. Marriage is a partnership.

It doesn't matter if he does physical work. He works 8 hours a day, you work 24 hours a day. You don't even get the sleep you need. You don't even get any appreciation!

It doesn't matter that he doesn't believe in divorce. You do. And you need to make it clear that you can't continue this way for the rest of your life. And you shouldn't. Give him more examples of how he doesn't give a damn (like the milk this morning). It is clear it doesn't even dawn on him to put it back. Just shout out to him "you left the milk out" or whatever. Or pick it up and bring him the milk so he has to put it back.
Like some other PP have said, force him to do things. I know you can't stand the house messy, but picking up all his dirty clothes and chucking it in a basket to just tidy away is much better than him assuming you're his servant.
But curious as to what he is doing when you're running around tidying everything? Does he sit and watch you?

OP theres a reason people use childcare, you can't work and look after a baby at the same time. Do your employers know??

Honestly just take the baby and move in with your mum!

Op please don’t think you we’d his permission to go to your mums. You don’t need him to understand why you have to go, you are never going to have the right combination of words to get him to agree or understand.
Your brother and in laws are irreverent - but even if you were comparing you can’t, your sil doesn’t work.
Please go to your mums.
You have no obligation to get his family’s approval or understanding either.
Stop trying to explain to him and them, begging for recognition.
You’re unhappy, you’re 50% of the relationship. Half the relationship feels it’s not working therefore it needs to change.
Even if he was helping and being a great husband and father, you’d have every right to leave if you felt it wasn’t working. You do not need his approval to feel how you’re feeling.
Please take care x

Why would you be loyal to this pig and his family?

He's awful.
He's been dragged up and won't change.

OP, you have a life of absolute misery in front of you if you stay.

He married a skivvy.
He thinks you can work, care for a baby, do everything in your home and cook.

He doesn't love you.
He doesn't give a shit about.

No man who cared about his partner would behave like this.

I'm sorry to be so harsh.
But your life doesn't have to mirror your shitty upbringing.

When you know better, you can do better.

You do not have to be a skivvy to this lazy waster.

You are wasting your time killing yourself trying to fix him.

The best you will get is 5-10% improvement for years of nagging and crying at him.

Why would you do that.

Find your self respect and tell him, you want to live in a shit hole, and not bother with your child,? Off with you.

The bed thing would have had a lot of women re-thinking their relationship.

Even after giving birth, he couldn't show you a bit of consideration.

OP, think long and hard about the future you want, because ahead of you is misery with him.

As for more children?🙄

How you can even look at him, not to mind have him touch you, is beyond me.

Listen to your mother who clearly loves you.

She sees the miserable life you have signed up for if you stay with this waster.

You sound so lovely.
You could have a good life ahead of you if you believe you deserve more than this.

He is deluded if he thinks you can work without childcare.

I’m reading your thread and I’m thinking how much easier it would be for you doing things on your own. His expectations are completely unreasonable and the way he’s treating you is awful. He’s watching you struggle and expects you to do everything just because you’re female. You’re also working and beyond that everything else should be split according to the amounts you’re working. You’re supposed to be a family and a team. I‘m currently a stay at home mum so I do most of the house work, washing, food shopping and all of the day to day organising but outside of my husband’s working hours we share much of what needs doing. If he gets home and I’m still doing dinner with the children he’ll pitch in and finish the hoovering if it still needs doing or will help prepare the kids dessert, load the dishwasher etc. We then work as a team to get the kids ready for bed and the house straight (I always aim to have most of the mess cleared away by the end of the day and have often already hoovered and don’t take the micky). Our view is that he’s been busy at work all day and I’ve been busy doing my job of caring for the children. We share cooking our meals in the evenings and he’ll give me a break / lie in at the weekends as I’m often up at night. At the weekends we both take equal responsibility for the children, hoovering and cooking at the weekend and he cooks a roast dinner for all of us on Sunday. We are very much so a team and we share the load. When I return to work we’ll continue to do this so the house runs smoothly and we both have down time in the evenings. I think more of the mental load of being a mum and running the house will always fall to me as I’m naturally more organised but practically we both pitch in and share the load so we can both relax. I wouldn’t expect any less. I find it heartbreaking that he made you sleep on the sofa with your newborn. Please step back and really think about what you’re getting from this relationship. If it’s not what you’d want for your daughter long term then it’s not good enough for you either. You deserve so much better and unless he changes you won’t be happy.