Feeling overwhelmed with baby and job and man child husband

[jutasking]

I had my first baby in January this year and decided to go back early from Mat leave for financial reasons. My job is full on and high pressured. I keep getting to breaking point and just losing it and crying and screaming but my husband just doesn't seem to get it and makes me feel like I just whinge and I'm dramatic.

I just don't know how long I can keep doing this. The housework just gets on top of me as it's my sole responsibility and until a few weeks ago so was my baby girl. I told my husband I'm just breaking and he needs to help. Sometimes I just want to leave him and run away. I just can't see how I'm ever going to be happy in my life / situation. I had a nanny but it didn't work out so I'm on my own at the moment. My husband stays home some days and other days my mother in law comes. Some days I just kind of have to manage and work late when she's sleeping.

It's the housework though. It brings me to breaking point when I see the mountain of laundry I have to do and all the other bits that I just keep needing to do to keep things going. I'm also starting to feel guilty about not being able to give my baby girl 100 percent . She's been going through a strange couple of weeks of just crying more and I just feel so awful when she's upset.

I got upset tonight and my husband just said ' he doesn't need this right now ' and I'm always dramatic and I should just ' chill out ' about housework. I'm really just doing the bare minimum to keep the house from imploding and to have some kind of order as we can't live in a complete mess. I just don't know what to do. I just want to run away. I just feel stuck. I feel like other mums can just do all this, I just can't do it all. I also suffer from a chronic illness. Which doesn't yet affect me day to day, but could make me disabled in the future so it's hard to say how much this plays into what I can take on. I just feel rubbish.

My blood is boiling reading this OP. How fucking dare he compare you to others and find you lacking when he does fuck all.

cook every night and also at the weekend when he's home- he complains that it's just not in my 'psyche' to cook every day

OP, I'm amazed you let him live after saying this sort of thing, let alone giving him house room. There's no jury in the country who would have convicted you had you poisoned his food.

@LouiseTrees always complaining he does not get enough. My mum thought it was absolutely terrible about the night time sleeping thing and generally she's not keen on him as she knows I am struggling. That's why I took to the internet tonight to vent, as I didn't want to upset her by telling her.

OP he risked his own childs life by making her sleep on the sofa he is awful stop making excuses for him

[quote jutasking]@Beancounter1 I left him before. Before we were married and he was absolutely devastated. Maybe you're right. Maybe he doesn't love me. But he absolutely does not believe in divorce. He would never leave me or be OK with a divorce. It would be very hard on him just for that. Not sure if losing me would be hard but he's very against divorce and against children growing up in ' broken ' families. I'm of the opinion that it's not healthy to grow up in families who stay together but are unhealthy ( like my parents ) [/quote]
Well then he can shape the f up. What would/does his mother think of his behaviour?

He looked up bloody toad in the hole! Why not look up pancakes if you want to make pancakes? His argument - toad in the hole has batter too. My argument - yes, but the sodding cook book has a recipe for pancakes so why not just look that up if you're making pancakes?!

I'd have humiliated him for that one. I'd have had the kids through laughing at him, then posting it in fb and tagging him. He won't do it again. Men like that think they are clever, but they do not like being laughed at.

The thing with cultures where the women did everything in the home-- usually they don't also work and there are generations living together so the childcare is shared. I honestly think that men often don't realise all that women do to keep things going. Even my most equal and helpful DH, he doesn't understand that I tidy as I move through the house, even on my way to the loo I pick things up, do dishes as the kettle boils for a cuppa. It took me moving out for things to equalise between us when I moved back. I felt crushed by domestic work. No one can do a job, a baby and all the housework, no one.

@WinterGarden633 has it spot on

I understand how you feel, I feel like this about mess. My husband does not. I have certainly had to lower my standards, which is probably to a more healthy level actually. He does however do all the cooking, clears away and tidies the cooking mess and kitchen and sounds a bit more helpful than yours tbh.

Our nanny sorts washing, runs a hoover round, wipes up, puts laundry away etc when DS sleeps - could you look for someone who would do this? I just outlined it in my ad, she’s very happy to do it and is a huge asset to our family. We also have a full day of a cleaner. As for being ‘on show’ and cleaning up for the nanny, this is madness. Don’t. Can you take some leave from work to give you time off before Christmas and until your new one starts in January? I’d be looking at taking sick leave if not and be ‘sick’, let DH run the show for a few days and have a break.

You also need a cleaner and probably to send some laundry away if it gets too much - send his and pay out of the joint account and get him to pay more in so he effectively pays for it in full. You can’t have everything so you’ll have to put your anxiety to one side and just take all the necessary precautions re paid help and COVID.

I realise all these actions are on you and I’m not at all saying you don’t need to seriously tackle your DH about this, but it sounds like you are at breaking point and need to just take some direct action to make that better without relying on his uselessness further - which will just drive you more insane. When you are feeling better you can have a serious, calm but deadly type discussion about how things are going to work in the future

@CrazyToast you do that because it stops and starts with you. It's the same when someone just chucks a teabag or rubbish in the sink because there's no bin bag in the bin at that time, rather than putting a bin bag in - they just chuck it in the sink. Or when people pile the bin full and just keep piling stuff on- that's also because they don't take it out..

I agree no one can do it all. But a lot of ladies who've been there before don't show much appreciation of how hard it is. I'm constantly reminded of my mother's hardships when I was a baby or my MIL getting up at 5 with a baby and working from 6 am and the baby napping throughout the day at her work place. I don't complain to anyone else but my mum and now you guys haha. But that's also because I'm very often met with no understanding even when my despair slips out by accident. Recently it happened, I was at a DH family event and my baby was going through many sleepless nights so I wanted to leave early and was met with huge disappointment. I accidentally said ' I'm exhausted I'm sorry, I'm just one person, I have a lot on my plate and she's not sleeping well at the moment - she's up 3 times a night, I need to go home and get her to bed '.. I was met with ' yes I understand, I used to work at a caffe and start at 5 in the morning with my baby at work with me ' it was tiring.. needless to say I don't say mum now and no one asks

@jutasking

It's funny - all these understanding and supportive comments. The you so much everyone. But deep down I can just hear my husband in my head saying it's not a big deal and that I have help and that I'm dramatic. I feel a pang of guilt and just shit like I am rubbish and disorganised for not managing it and that he is doing what he can do. This is gaslighting. He literally gaslights me so much that I don't even know anymore what is true. When I read your comments I agree but then I imagine telling him to help and telling him how I feel and I just feel like he's going to dismiss me and make me feel like I'm crazy.

If it's 'not a big deal', then he can do all the housework.

...but he won't, because it is a big deal.

oooft so you are on month 11 of a new baby... that was exactly the time I reached my breaking point too...

Concentrate on taking care of yourself and the baby, your man-child OH can fend for himself (try your best to ignore his whining about it!) Maybe speak to your doctor?? I was lucky, my doctor was very kind and eventually gently persuaded me to try anti-depressants which really helped with the sleep deprivation and focus.

Is there any way at all you could get by for a while longer without returning to work? I hope OH isn't pressuring you to?xx

OP,
What an absolutely miserable life you have with this man.

Shit husband.
Shit father.

One of life's wasters.

Your mother has the measure of him.
This is who he is.
He doesn't love you.

No man who loved his wife and new baby would insist they move out of the main bed.

Only a really selfish man would.

Your poor daughter having him as a father.

Pack your bags and go to your mothers.

Get your job sorted as you need to be able to financially support yourself.

Divorce this arse you married.

Stay away from men until you learn what a healthy relationship and partnership looks like.

Your life sounds like an absolute horror show.

Only YOU can improve your situation.

You deserve better but only you can realise this and take the brave steps to improve your life and the life of your child.

I found it sad to read this. Not everyone is interested in development in quite the way you describe, but it beggars belief how little interest your husband shows in his child. It’s not normal to be so self obsessed and disinterested in one’s child, full stop.

As for the complete lack of respect he shows you... I’m a middle aged man from a traditional home married to a woman from a traditional home; we have both completely broken the traditional mode of the woman being responsible for all domestic and childcare duties. It’s not always easy to share everything, but it’s possible if both parties have respect for one another. I do 95% of the cooking and always clean the kitchen etc, for example, and would occasionally love not to. But then my wife does more laundry than me. If she leaves my stuff to me, that seems fair enough. Sometimes I don’t iron certain things of hers in case I mess them up. But really, this is all trivial. Living with a few partners in a few countries before settling down helped me realise my parents’ way of operating is totally anachronistic. No person, no woman or man, should have to work full time, look after a child alone, and do their partner’s housework—it’s completely and utterly impossible.

Stop the laundry for him. Completely. Explain you just don’t have time. Lower your standards with cleaning. Keep the most important things clean and forget the rest. Eat the simplest way you can. We can live off home made soups for days sometimes (!) — it takes minutes to make, is healthy and is ideal for weaning children too. It makes little mess. If he doesn’t like these changes, your decision should be pretty clear.

I don’t think I’m an ideal husband by any means, but it is obvious to me that domestic life has to be shared 50:50 when both partners work. And not done begrudgingly, but out of mutual respect. Your time is at least as important as his. More so if you are spending most time with your child.

Don’t believe that living with a man has to be like this.

Also, his smoking is not helping your daughter in any way, even if done outside. Probably something to tackle further down the line, if you decide not to leave him.

Sorry op . You didn't marry a man child . You married an arsehole .

Jeez OP.

He really is a peach isn't he.

He gaslights you

Risks your baby by refusing that he should sleep elsewhere.

Refuses to do anything like a reasonable amount of housework...

It is disgusting he puts you under this much stress... Especially when your health is diffocult with MS.

Don't tell me, he's not interested in your MS either?? Continual chronic stress can make so many disabilities so much worse.

I'm furious that he thinks this is OK.

I was feeling the typical kind of irate that I get when I read these kinds of threads and then I saw you have MS and I am so so horrified OP. Does your husband understand this condition?? Being super stressed and fatigued could lead you to relapse more frequently and could ultimately lead to you being worse affected by your MS. I'm sure you know this, does your husband? With a condition like this and with children you simply cannot be with someone that not only doesn't support you but actively makes your life harder and gaslights you. I cant actually believe someone would do this to a spouse with a chronic condition like this, it's despicable. It's hard to imagine him ever looking after you. What kind of marriage is that...

I was too furious for that, tho good idea! Instead it escalated into a hell of a row. He's been told in no uncertain terms that he's being a lazy arse and I'm sick of bearing the physical and mental load for the whole family. He used to be able to cope on his own but now can't do a single bloody thing...rubbish. His excuses might just about wash if he was 13 or 14, but not at 44. I've told him he needs to grow the fuck up and take some responsibility else I might just as well not be with him since I only seem to be his cook/maid/personal assistant/general skivvy. He made some arsey comment about didn't know why he bothered coming home if I was going to have a go at him, so I completely flipped and told him if he felt like that then just to fuck off and leave as it would actually make my life easier. Shocked him into tears and grovelling apologies so I think I made my point. Whether it'll make any difference is yet to be seen.

All over bloody pancakes!

Sorry, that was in response to CakeRequired.

OP, your oh sounds a selfish prick, please don't put up with this. He puts himself above you and baby's wellbeing, and it sounds like you are realising just how much he is taking advantage of you.

Give him one chance - just one - to show that he genuinely cares and change. Tell him that. Do what you can to make life easier to help you both - cleaner, mothers help, app, chores chart, whatever will support him whilst trying to change. It won't be easy for him but if he cares then he'll at least make the effort.

But for your own sake, start mentally preparing to leave. Plan it out practically. I once read a woman saying she always had at least one emotional suitcase (metaphorically) packed and ready to go just in case rather than investing herself fully. She found her partner treated her really well as he never became complacent. Time to pack your emotional suitcase, I think.

Hope all works out well for you.

Have you ever asked him why he thinks it's fair for him to do less than 50% of the housework and childcare? I could not be in a relationship with a man who described himself as "helping" with housework.

I really don't agree with PP saying you should give him one chance to change. You've already given him chances upon chances to change by telling him how upset you are and he has basically told you he doesn't give a fuck. Your husband is making everything so much harder for you OP. Seriously, just get rid. He can fuck off and do his own laundry somewhere you don't have to look at it.

@izzyrose85 I think because he spends less time at home, he thinks most of everything should fall on me. I tried to talk to him again this morning because he asked me what was wrong and I ended up crying and he just sighs when I cry. I said he just doesn't listen or take me seriously. He says he's been trying to help more with baby and in general, which is true- but it's still just not enough. Because I'm so tired.

When I tried to give examples of things that would help- like for example this mod h g he made himself a coffee but of course leaves the milk out and everything else he used too. I said it would be a start just to finally learn to put things away. He just left.

My ex was like this and my baby didn't sleep so I was sleep deprived on top of working, cleaning, cooking etc!

He left and I got a cleaner. It's been a much better arrangement believe me.

@jutasking. I would have been tempted to dump his clean clothes in the sink, pour the whole carton of milk on top of them and then add the coffee for good measure at that point. I'm not advocating that (I'm afraid I have a very bad temper for things like this and have poured DH beer and wine down the sink in the past), but I'm not sure I could have kept my cool in your situation.

Oh OP this is a miserable existence for you :( he doesn’t listen to you or value you at all. You could try couples counselling but honestly for your own immediate well being & mental health, I’d take the baby & go to your mums to give yourself some space to decide what to do but I can’t see much future for your marriage atm while he continues to be a selfish prick

It's plain disrespectful. Why would he leave the milk out after making a coffee? He thinks you're his servant.