Feeling overwhelmed with baby and job and man child husband

[jutasking]

I had my first baby in January this year and decided to go back early from Mat leave for financial reasons. My job is full on and high pressured. I keep getting to breaking point and just losing it and crying and screaming but my husband just doesn't seem to get it and makes me feel like I just whinge and I'm dramatic.

I just don't know how long I can keep doing this. The housework just gets on top of me as it's my sole responsibility and until a few weeks ago so was my baby girl. I told my husband I'm just breaking and he needs to help. Sometimes I just want to leave him and run away. I just can't see how I'm ever going to be happy in my life / situation. I had a nanny but it didn't work out so I'm on my own at the moment. My husband stays home some days and other days my mother in law comes. Some days I just kind of have to manage and work late when she's sleeping.

It's the housework though. It brings me to breaking point when I see the mountain of laundry I have to do and all the other bits that I just keep needing to do to keep things going. I'm also starting to feel guilty about not being able to give my baby girl 100 percent . She's been going through a strange couple of weeks of just crying more and I just feel so awful when she's upset.

I got upset tonight and my husband just said ' he doesn't need this right now ' and I'm always dramatic and I should just ' chill out ' about housework. I'm really just doing the bare minimum to keep the house from imploding and to have some kind of order as we can't live in a complete mess. I just don't know what to do. I just want to run away. I just feel stuck. I feel like other mums can just do all this, I just can't do it all. I also suffer from a chronic illness. Which doesn't yet affect me day to day, but could make me disabled in the future so it's hard to say how much this plays into what I can take on. I just feel rubbish.

I’m still reading the thread. You have MS and he still expects you to do everything? LTB.

Your mum is right OP what do you get out of this relationship? Not a lot. It’s not a marriage of equals. You are basically his cook, cleaner and child minder. You deserve far better than this. Your daughter deserves far better than this

What, she has MS?? I missed that. Dear God, OP. Are you aware that there is no great cosmic reward for this?

@PrincessNutNutRoast I know what you mean. I guess I'm afraid of the unknown. Getting divorced is a very very big deal- we've not even been married very long but we've been together a long time. I'm just afraid what's on the other side.

@PrincessNutNutRoast yeah it makes it worse. I didn't really want to say. I'm fine, I'm mobile etc. I guess it's in the early stages. But a massive part of me just keeps thinking I need to quit this life and have a more peaceful one, because when I'm older and if I get badly disabled - I might feel like all this extreme stress contributed to. Sometimes I wish that it was more visible and maybe people would just cut me some slack and help me more. I know how messed up that is.

[quote jutasking]@PrincessNutNutRoast I know what you mean. I guess I'm afraid of the unknown. Getting divorced is a very very big deal- we've not even been married very long but we've been together a long time. I'm just afraid what's on the other side. [/quote]
A life without being enslaved to a man who treats you like a service droid/ATM/blow up doll.

I'm not divorced, OP, but I chose a life that my family didn't approve of. It was a huge revelation when I realised that not only did I not get punished by the cosmos, I got rewarded because I have the life I want. My family got over it and if they hadn't, well, I'd surrounded myself with people who would accept me if they wouldn't. Sounds like your mother has the measure of this horrible loveless man anyway.

[quote jutasking]@PrincessNutNutRoast I know what you mean. I guess I'm afraid of the unknown. Getting divorced is a very very big deal- we've not even been married very long but we've been together a long time. I'm just afraid what's on the other side. [/quote]
Genuinely: how could it be worse than this?

@PrincessNutNutRoast I think all my family and friends would support me, I'm lucky in that sense. My parents would also be happy because I could move closer to them.

[quote jutasking]@PrincessNutNutRoast I think all my family and friends would support me, I'm lucky in that sense. My parents would also be happy because I could move closer to them. [/quote]
So...whose approval are you afraid to lose? And what are you afraid would happen?

@PrincessNutNutRoast I would be sad for him. I genuinely think he would be absolutely devastated. I left him before and it was hell for me to see him upset. I just can't bare seeing him upset and even just remembering it makes me really sad. I also would disappoint his family and generally it just seems fickle to get divorced so quickly. They would blame me and so would he. They would say that I just don't have what it takes to be a wife. Like I'm just weak and I took the vows so lightly to just leave 'because he's messy '. I would feel like I let him and everyone down. Also like I let my daughter down as she won't grow up in an intact family. I feel like I should just be able to take it for her I guess but it's not right. That's how I grew up and it's not been good for me to see.

As parents we can't prevent our beloved children making mistakes, but that doesn't mean we can't help giving advice at times.

Your mother sees ahead of you a miserable life with possible health issues living with a selfish prick.

If I was your mother I would be asking you the same thing, what are you getting from this.

Just because you are not married long, does not mean that you cannot realise you have made a mistake.

"Sunken cost fallacy" applies here OP.
Read about it.
It's when you feel you have invested so much and can't change track.
You can change track.

Your life has value.
His family are nothing to you.
You are just a skivvy.

The bloody cheek of him to think she can do everything in the house and mind our child AND match my salary plus some.

He's some waste of space.

Protect yourself and your baby.

He doesn't care about upsetting you.

If he cares so bloody much, why is he prepared to work you into the ground despite your health issues and treat you like you're there to serve him?

Love is an action, not just saying it and crying a lot if you leave him. Love should be accompanied by respect and care.

If his love was worth anything, he'd be putting himself out to share the load.

He loves you like a an appliance, not a person. He'd get another one.

Sorry OP, but a hard truth coming...

I very much fear that as your health gets worse and you aren't able to service him - washing, cooking, cleaning, earning good money, looking after the children, maybe sex - he'll be off. From what you've written, I honestly don't see him stepping up.

The 'devastated' is ringing hollow with so many of us. This isn't the way you treat someone you love.

[quote jutasking]@PrincessNutNutRoast I would be sad for him. I genuinely think he would be absolutely devastated. I left him before and it was hell for me to see him upset. I just can't bare seeing him upset and even just remembering it makes me really sad. I also would disappoint his family and generally it just seems fickle to get divorced so quickly. They would blame me and so would he. They would say that I just don't have what it takes to be a wife. Like I'm just weak and I took the vows so lightly to just leave 'because he's messy '. I would feel like I let him and everyone down. Also like I let my daughter down as she won't grow up in an intact family. I feel like I should just be able to take it for her I guess but it's not right. That's how I grew up and it's not been good for me to see. [/quote]
But he isn't sad for you. He doesn't care about you. He would be devastated to lose his slave, that's all.

OP, please forgive me because I don't want to be hurtful or distress you, but if your condition worsens and you can no longer serve him, do you think he'll stick around? When you can offer him nothing but your love, which he doesn't value?

And his family...his family are arseholes. Why on earth do you care what they think, especially if they're no longer any part of your life except as your daughter's grandparents. Your life is especially precious, why would you waste it pleasing them when they don't care about you either?

Also like I let my daughter down as she won't grow up in an intact family. I feel like I should just be able to take it for her I guess but it's not right.

You're currently training your daughter to believe:

That women exist to serve men's needs.

That women are for cooking, cleaning, childcare and shagging.

That men get the final say and are entitled to dictate the mood of the house.

You staying is letting her down, you leaving would be putting her first.

God I wish my mother had let me down by divorcing my horrible abusive misogynistic father. I wish every day that she'd let me down like that.

I wish my mum had also divorced my dad.

op I wish I could show you how much better your life would be without his waste of space in your life.
I am so angry for you. He is a piece of shit how dare he treat you and your daughter this way!
Please talk to a professional let them help you and show you you are worth so much more than this.

Interesting you all think he would leave me and wouldn't care for me if I got sick. I feel that he would have affairs maybe but he wouldn't leave me ever. I always assumed he would look after me, but ladies, you're right. He's not looking after me enough now- when he should already be doing it. He should be trying to make life less stressful. He's also really up for a new nanny now because it's stressing him out that he looks after the baby some days that I work and that he has no time off anymore because I make him do more stuff. Now he's super keen on a nanny cos he has to move his own arse..

@Feedingthebirds1

Sorry OP, but a hard truth coming...

I very much fear that as your health gets worse and you aren't able to service him - washing, cooking, cleaning, earning good money, looking after the children, maybe sex - he'll be off. From what you've written, I honestly don't see him stepping up.

The 'devastated' is ringing hollow with so many of us. This isn't the way you treat someone you love.

Without a doubt this.

@jutasking

I wish my mum had also divorced my dad.

History does not have to repeat itself.

Do you think your husband will still be there if your condition worsens and you can't give him anything but love?

There's NO REWARD for this, OP. You really, really need to think about that. You will see NO RETURN on this. No cosmic hand will reach out from heaven to wag a finger at your husband, no fairy godmother is coming. You don't even get a moral high ground because that doesn't come with enabling a horrible man who doesn't care about you. This, this is all you get for it. That and the conditional approval of his hobgoblin family. Is it enough?

I feel that he would have affairs maybe but he wouldn't leave me ever.

I can't say I think this is a particularly fabulous deal either.

And as I type all this - there's still doubt in my mind if I even have anything to complain about ? Am I being dramatic ? I just keep imagining talking to him about it and him just minimising it. It's happened so many times I just don't even know what's real anymore ? I had to actually re-read my post from yesterday because I couldn't really work out if I was the guilty party and just expecting too much somehow. I honestly feel confused. I think it's the gaslighting I've suffered from for years.

@jutasking

And as I type all this - there's still doubt in my mind if I even have anything to complain about ? Am I being dramatic ? I just keep imagining talking to him about it and him just minimising it. It's happened so many times I just don't even know what's real anymore ? I had to actually re-read my post from yesterday because I couldn't really work out if I was the guilty party and just expecting too much somehow. I honestly feel confused. I think it's the gaslighting I've suffered from for years.

He's full of shit and you know it because you're posting on here. He doesn't get to dictate your reality. You are miserable because of your situation.

If he isn't stepping up while you're relatively well, why do you think he might transform if you're not?