Feeling overwhelmed with baby and job and man child husband

[jutasking]

I had my first baby in January this year and decided to go back early from Mat leave for financial reasons. My job is full on and high pressured. I keep getting to breaking point and just losing it and crying and screaming but my husband just doesn't seem to get it and makes me feel like I just whinge and I'm dramatic.

I just don't know how long I can keep doing this. The housework just gets on top of me as it's my sole responsibility and until a few weeks ago so was my baby girl. I told my husband I'm just breaking and he needs to help. Sometimes I just want to leave him and run away. I just can't see how I'm ever going to be happy in my life / situation. I had a nanny but it didn't work out so I'm on my own at the moment. My husband stays home some days and other days my mother in law comes. Some days I just kind of have to manage and work late when she's sleeping.

It's the housework though. It brings me to breaking point when I see the mountain of laundry I have to do and all the other bits that I just keep needing to do to keep things going. I'm also starting to feel guilty about not being able to give my baby girl 100 percent . She's been going through a strange couple of weeks of just crying more and I just feel so awful when she's upset.

I got upset tonight and my husband just said ' he doesn't need this right now ' and I'm always dramatic and I should just ' chill out ' about housework. I'm really just doing the bare minimum to keep the house from imploding and to have some kind of order as we can't live in a complete mess. I just don't know what to do. I just want to run away. I just feel stuck. I feel like other mums can just do all this, I just can't do it all. I also suffer from a chronic illness. Which doesn't yet affect me day to day, but could make me disabled in the future so it's hard to say how much this plays into what I can take on. I just feel rubbish.

Honey child, this isn't okay. Your husband is not good for you.

This sort of shit marriage may be normal for a lot of people, and what if it is? You still don't have to live like this. So what if it's normal? (It's not normal.) You're allowed to want something that isn't killing you.

My husband can be an absolute manchild on occasion but he at least feels badly about it and is trying to shape up. Your husband doesn't feel bad about it, and he won't shape up. He'll give lip service to learning to close cupboards so that you'll stay around. The only way you can possibly, maybe, give him a chance is this: you get out and go to your mum's. He lives a decent, clean life as a bachelor--no having his mum do everything for him. Then if he can keep a household together for six months on his own, you can talk about therapy to help you build something worth having.

You cannot fix this if you stay because you are already drowning. You need to be on dry land first and then you can learn to swim. Since you can't have a cleaner or a nanny because of Covid, you have to get out.

MS isn't helped by stress. You know that. And if you carry on like this your daughter will learn to be you. My mum was just like you, right down to the MS, and I wish she'd left my dad long before she did. She's so much happier not married to him. Financially it was hard for a bit but she's happy now. Please stop listening to what this selfish sack of shit says, and look after yourself.

[quote jutasking]@izzyrose85 I think because he spends less time at home, he thinks most of everything should fall on me. I tried to talk to him again this morning because he asked me what was wrong and I ended up crying and he just sighs when I cry. I said he just doesn't listen or take me seriously. He says he's been trying to help more with baby and in general, which is true- but it's still just not enough. Because I'm so tired. [/quote]
OP.
It’s time to go.
It’s time to stop defending and pleading and justifying and hoping.
You need to put yourself, and your DD first.
What on earth will she learn about relationships being raised in this household.
You can’t change him. You can only change how you respond to him.
He isn’t a test that you have to pass.

@MadameMiggeldy yeah I do make excuses for him. That's how it all started - because he has a more intense schedule outside the home - sometimes he even works 7 days a week for several weeks. So I just never expected much from him, but he still needs to pitch in. Especially when he's home more.

Would counselling be a possibility? My Husband wants quite as bad but did very little to help. After some counselling he really has stepped up and this has been over two years now. It's almost like he needed a stranger to tell him how I was feeling was justified.

@hardboiledeggs we definitely have to try it and a bit of time apart before an actual divorce. I'm glad it helped for you.

[quote jutasking]@hardboiledeggs we definitely have to try it and a bit of time apart before an actual divorce. I'm glad it helped for you. [/quote]
Counseling can work wonders. It saved our marriage. But the thing is that both people have to see the same problem and also be willing to change. In your case he sees the problem as you (not doing 'enough' and complaining) and you know the problem is him (not doing anything and complaining). Where's the 'meeting of the minds' needed to change the dynamics, especially his dynamics?

Men who find themselves in a 'comfortable' position rarely want to change. For all his bitching, he's got it pretty damned good and he knows it. Plus it sounds to me as if he has family members who back up his feelings that you expect 'too much' (ie anything at all) from him. If you did manage to get him to counseling, he will 100% expect the counselor to back him up and tell you how lucky you are to have a husband who earns good money and that you shouldn't expect anything more than him bringing home the paycheck.

Yes, time apart is really what you need, absolutely. But that time apart is for you to be in a place that is calm and where you get the support you need. Then you'll be in a place to really evaluate your marriage and to decide if you want to live the rest of your life the way you're living now.

@AcrossthePond55 haha I had a few weeks away not long ago and did not want to return. Says a lot !

[quote jutasking]@AcrossthePond55 haha I had a few weeks away not long ago and did not want to return. Says a lot ![/quote]
I'd say it says pretty much everything!

Honestly, there is no price you can put on a peaceful home. I know no home is a continual bastion of peace and good will, there will always be squabbles and disagreements. But you know that one can sense the overall 'tone' of one's own home. With his attitude, I doubt yours is one of calm and contentment.

How are things going now OP? Are you coping?

@LAgeDeRaisin better this week thank you. Have had more support this week. I still feel like taking care of the baby is mostly on my shoulders but he's made dinner, tidied up after, helps me put baby to bed. I'll try to aim to have a lie in soon.

You’d be better off getting divorce proceedings rolling now, before the post Xmas rush. Look forward to an easier life, remove the trash male from your life and show your kid some bare minimum standards so she doesn’t end up replicating this shit herself. ‘He’d be devastated’-sure he would, losing your shag, housekeeper, cleaner, runner and childcare as a direct consequence of your own choices would be devastating 😂 he can cry about it when he has to be a single dad.

Glad this week was a bit better!

So glad this week has been better for you OP