Feeling overwhelmed with baby and job and man child husband

[jutasking]

I had my first baby in January this year and decided to go back early from Mat leave for financial reasons. My job is full on and high pressured. I keep getting to breaking point and just losing it and crying and screaming but my husband just doesn't seem to get it and makes me feel like I just whinge and I'm dramatic.

I just don't know how long I can keep doing this. The housework just gets on top of me as it's my sole responsibility and until a few weeks ago so was my baby girl. I told my husband I'm just breaking and he needs to help. Sometimes I just want to leave him and run away. I just can't see how I'm ever going to be happy in my life / situation. I had a nanny but it didn't work out so I'm on my own at the moment. My husband stays home some days and other days my mother in law comes. Some days I just kind of have to manage and work late when she's sleeping.

It's the housework though. It brings me to breaking point when I see the mountain of laundry I have to do and all the other bits that I just keep needing to do to keep things going. I'm also starting to feel guilty about not being able to give my baby girl 100 percent . She's been going through a strange couple of weeks of just crying more and I just feel so awful when she's upset.

I got upset tonight and my husband just said ' he doesn't need this right now ' and I'm always dramatic and I should just ' chill out ' about housework. I'm really just doing the bare minimum to keep the house from imploding and to have some kind of order as we can't live in a complete mess. I just don't know what to do. I just want to run away. I just feel stuck. I feel like other mums can just do all this, I just can't do it all. I also suffer from a chronic illness. Which doesn't yet affect me day to day, but could make me disabled in the future so it's hard to say how much this plays into what I can take on. I just feel rubbish.

I don't mean to sound blunt but you are allowing and enabling this. You are the only person who can stop this from being your reality- tell him it's enough.

Tough shit.
Re heartbroken

@jutasking

I had a nanny but it didn't work out. That stressed me out a lot as I had to get the house ' visitor ' ready every day. I was utterly shattered. I'm getting a new nanny in January. I used to use the tactic of just leaving everything a mess but I just can't now we have a baby. I literally go mad myself in the mess. He's just the kind of person that puts nothing away and our flat isn't massive and we've already outgrown it so it just makes it harder. He would be so heartbroken if I left him.

Not that heartbroken if it's not even worth his time to tidy up to get you to stay

He'd probably be devastated that he'd have to do his own housework though!

Can you get a childminder who you take the baby to? This is what I do - the childminder only looks after my kids - she's amazing. Also means my house stays tidy during the day and I and my house don't need to be on show to anyone during the day

@whatever1980 my baby is only just turning one in January and I'm quite worried about covid. Even having a nanny is actually a stretch for me with my covid fears so I wouldn't be comfortable sending her away yet. But that would solve the issue of having to be on show during the day. It was tiring and I did feel judged if things weren't ok. Well they weren't generally, my home is nowhere near as clean and organised as I would like it to be.

Hi OP, stop doing his laundry. Stop now. I do chuck my DH’s stuff in the machine but that’s it - he sorts it and irons what he wants ironing, but he does a lot more round the house than it sounds like yours does. You said that you had a nanny but it didn’t work out - but is there still some money spare now you don’t have a nanny that could pay for a cleaner? I would then insist on fair share of cooking/ clearing up and childcare. This is easier said than done, I know, but could you look calmly again at what has to be done in the house, make it clear what he needs to do and then simply stop doing his stuff.

Stop doing the wife work. Just stop.

You are perpetuating the cycle by doing everything, and until you stop, it will continue.

Look after yourself and your baby. Cook if you want to. Leave all his laundry and cleaning. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB.

Just read your latest post - I see you still have the nanny so that will be costing ££. I think the laundry will save you a fair amount of time if he had to do his own.

I’m not sure I really understand about the childcare.

Are you trying to work full time from home with a baby and no childcare?

A) your husband should certainly be doing his share of housework.

B) if you had a nanny why aren’t you buying in proper help?

C) what are your expectations regarding housework?

I work 3.5 days, DH full time. We cannot keep on top of it all so have a cleaner. Certainly had a near breakdown near the start of lockdown with the volume of ‘stuff’.

@YouBringLightInToADarkPlace no it's ok it's not harsh. I know I play my part in this I just find it hard not to get guilt tripped into it. I also expect some harsh responses because my situation is a joke.

I feel like I should be able to do all of it and because he has a more physical job I should also be able to take care of more of the housework- as he's just physically more tired ( well he used to be ).

We have very bad role models in our families, that's the issue. He compares me to others or compares himself to other men in the family. ' such and such wouldn't do this or doesn't need to do that ' he's got it good....

He would be so heartbroken if I left him.

Then he should stop treating you like shit.

What are you getting from the relationship with him, OP? This isn't going to get better - you are at breaking point, and he still won't help. He is never going to pull his weight. Leave now, while your DD is little and can easily adapt.

Look, you really don't have to tidy up for a nanny. Unless your house is actively a health hazard they 100% don't care.

You need to get in some support. Nanny, cleaner. Or childminder. And then leave this useless arse.

Hi OP re tidying up, this might sound petty but I would tidy up household stuff that I wanted to tidy away and that I’d mine, baby’s or general household. His stuff? Gather it up and Chuck somewhere- wardrobe, office drawer - as appropriate. Make it awkward for him.

He would be so heartbroken if I left him

Well yes, he'd lose his cook, housekeeper, childminder, launderess, shag...

If he'd be so heartbroken then surely you hold the cards in the final reckoning? Because I wouldn't stay 'because he'd be heartbroken' if he was going to carry on like that. If it matters that much to him, he can shape up. If it doesn't he can ship out.

Tell him to stop living in the past. If the women of those other families worked a lot less or not at all outside the home then the situation is different.

I’m going to be blunt but only because I think you need to hear this:

You’re doing bloody well so far, I think a lot of people would have cracked long ago- but now is the time for action otherwise you are going to break.

A frank and open conversation needs to happen with your partner:

• you are not being hysterical; you have a lot of responsibility and a partner who does not understand that he is a partner as opposed to a dependant.
• for the love of god get some childcare routine in place. Urgently. Be it a specific day when the MIL comes or booking little one into a nursery. You need to be able to focus on work without worrying about baby.
• “women back in the day...” I can’t put what I want to say to this as it is extremely rude, but it is 2020, not back in the day. If he wants to go back in time tell him he can make a start by not relying on the modern convenience of a washing machine and wash his own bloody clothes in a tub with a washboard.
• he’s not “helping”, he’s a grown ass man responsible for jointly running a household.

Speak to a therapist. Really- please find someone to talk to. They will be able to give you coping techniques for when it all starts getting on top of you and how to manage conflict because I’m worried that you seem to feel that you’re somehow not worthy when in fact you’re carrying your world pretty much single handed.

He would be so heartbroken if I left him.

If he loves and respects you enough to be heartbroken if you left, he should love and respect you enough to want to be an equal partner in this relationship. You should put your foot down, tell him what he WILL be doing around the house/with the baby from now on and stick firm to it. If he doesn't step up then you need to seriously consider whether you want to spend the rest of your life being his skivvy.

Op, I'm divorced now and I imagine older than you. If I had my time back again with my ex, I would have called him out on all his shit behaviour. However unpalatable it was at the time. What I did was just sucked it all up, but, all the time the resentment grew. For years, until I hated him. The best relationship I know of is a couple who call each other out all the time. They've been together twenty years amd are madly in love. Because no resentment ever built.

@Merryoldgoat I've been working full time without proper childcare in place since the beginning of November. I stayed with my mum for a few weeks which was heaven and made me not want to come back home. It also made me realise how nice it was to share the responsibilities 50-50. Then since I've been back, my husband has taken some days off / my mother in law comes sometimes and some days I just manage and work later in the evening. It's hard. I have a new nanny starting in January. On the days my husband looks after our daughter, I'm never completely off the hook and the house is a mess and again- I get extremely overwhelmed by the mess. To the extent that I would rather he just didn't do it to be honest. I realise this thread makes me sound like an OCD person, I'm not at all. Just the basics. A clear table and clear work surfaces in the kitchen is what I need.

@Maray1967 I haven't had a cleaner since Covid. I always had one before. But again I worry about covid. I don't like having anyone in the house. But I think from the new year- I need a cleaner again. Probably twice a week. I think I would feel a lot better.

Should have also said - please don’t think you should be able to do all this. I went to 3 days after six months of full time with DC1. We had no family help and it was hard going as he seemed to be almost constantly getting colds , stomach bugs when he started nursery. Something had to give - and in my case it was 2 days of work. There was no way I could work full time and manage. Later I went up to 4 days, once kids at school, but I knew very few women who worked full time when their DC were young. Most did 3 days and most seemed to have their mums helping out.

Does your baby sleep? If so, then you might find your nanny is happy to put on a wash (of baby clothes - not your husbands!) and do odd bits of other stuff. I used to work as a nanny and I used to do all the children’s laundry. Was better than sitting around feeling like a lemon when the baby slept.

Doesn’t solve the crap husband issue but might help your mental health

Reading your post made me recall how I felt when I went back to work, although baby was 6 months, yet it was still expected that I would do all the cooking cleaning and childcare.

He wouldn't come out and say he thought it was my responsibility exactly but would do something like put the washing away or run the Hoover around and make a big deal about what he had 'done for me'.

We didn't get past this as I felt unappreciated, you need to be on the same page and each partner needs to share responsibility equally.

In this day and age it's not womans work alone anymore to take on the house duties and work, no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed. Just concentrate on the baby and work, he will soon get the idea that he needs to pull his weight.

Stop cooking for him.
Stop doing his laundry.
Stop picking up after him.

Don't ask him for 'help'. Tell him to do his fucking share at home.

@Maray1967 yeah totally. I don't think I can keep it up much longer and it's a necessity to get onto our next home that I keep it up. I even suggested that I occasionally stay with my mum because I really feel great there and supported. It's further away and I kind of got stuck there in lock down and hoped that he would say I should just stay and take the time, but be didn't. He just ridiculed me and told me ' oh so you want to move in with your parents now '. That really upset me. When I came back I raised hell and he's helping me more with the baby. I was doing absolutely everything before. He would just come and cuddle her and kiss her good night and that was it. I feel bad for my baby. I want to be there for her. She's still so small. Sometimes I'm just so tired and sometimes she sees me cry and scream. Really trying not to scream in front of her but when my husband just doesn't take me seriously I literally just completely lose it. Today I could have broken something if she wasn't there I think I could have broken a plate or something.