Feeling overwhelmed with baby and job and man child husband

[jutasking]

I had my first baby in January this year and decided to go back early from Mat leave for financial reasons. My job is full on and high pressured. I keep getting to breaking point and just losing it and crying and screaming but my husband just doesn't seem to get it and makes me feel like I just whinge and I'm dramatic.

I just don't know how long I can keep doing this. The housework just gets on top of me as it's my sole responsibility and until a few weeks ago so was my baby girl. I told my husband I'm just breaking and he needs to help. Sometimes I just want to leave him and run away. I just can't see how I'm ever going to be happy in my life / situation. I had a nanny but it didn't work out so I'm on my own at the moment. My husband stays home some days and other days my mother in law comes. Some days I just kind of have to manage and work late when she's sleeping.

It's the housework though. It brings me to breaking point when I see the mountain of laundry I have to do and all the other bits that I just keep needing to do to keep things going. I'm also starting to feel guilty about not being able to give my baby girl 100 percent . She's been going through a strange couple of weeks of just crying more and I just feel so awful when she's upset.

I got upset tonight and my husband just said ' he doesn't need this right now ' and I'm always dramatic and I should just ' chill out ' about housework. I'm really just doing the bare minimum to keep the house from imploding and to have some kind of order as we can't live in a complete mess. I just don't know what to do. I just want to run away. I just feel stuck. I feel like other mums can just do all this, I just can't do it all. I also suffer from a chronic illness. Which doesn't yet affect me day to day, but could make me disabled in the future so it's hard to say how much this plays into what I can take on. I just feel rubbish.

Gaslighting is emotional abuse.

@jutasking

I wish my mum had also divorced my dad.

Break the cycle then! How can you be ok with showing your daughter women are there to cook, clean, do childcare and provide sex? That's what this relationship is. That's what her dad believes. That's what she will think a normal relationship looks like.

Show her different otherwise she may well be in this position as an adult. Break the cycle, for her if not for you.

OP, you need to start keeping a journal on your phone or something, so that you can look back and keep your head straight, while you're in this situation.

I think you need to look at doing the Freedom Programme course, or at least read "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft.

Good god, this man is a scumbag.

Unless this is the kind of miserable existence you want for your daughter, then leave for her and give her a chance of a good life. The only disappointing path would be to stay and condemn both of you.

Don't throw both your futures in the bin because you're obsessing over the feelings of a man who doesn't give a shit about you.

By staying you will be showing your DD that girls don't count, that she must be subservient to the whim of the males in her life. She will see her mother, you, brow-beaten and ground down, a shell. In reading your comments about your Mum, there's a suggestion that you have disapproved of how she has lived her life, at the beck and call of her husband - is that how you want your DD to think of you when she's grown?

There is no shame in a broken marriage - sadness and disappointment yes of course. Do not let 'shame' play a part in your decision. Think of the positive things which would flow from it

[quote jutasking]@PrincessNutNutRoast I would be sad for him. I genuinely think he would be absolutely devastated. I left him before and it was hell for me to see him upset. I just can't bare seeing him upset and even just remembering it makes me really sad. I also would disappoint his family and generally it just seems fickle to get divorced so quickly. They would blame me and so would he. They would say that I just don't have what it takes to be a wife. Like I'm just weak and I took the vows so lightly to just leave 'because he's messy '. I would feel like I let him and everyone down. Also like I let my daughter down as she won't grow up in an intact family. I feel like I should just be able to take it for her I guess but it's not right. That's how I grew up and it's not been good for me to see. [/quote]
They would say that I just don't have what it takes to be a wife. Like I'm just weak and I took the vows so lightly to just leave 'because he's messy '.

The problem isn't with you as a wife. The problem is that he doesn't have what it takes to be a (modern) husband. Or even a particularly nice person.

Who's the weak one? You - holding down a job, doing 90% of the childcare and 100% of the housework, all with a progressive illness... or him - holding down a job and complaining that he's expected to do 10% of the childcare?

As for your vows, did you both vow to look after each other "in sickness and in health", or did he not promise you that?

And you wouldn't be leaving because he's messy. You'd be leaving because he's lazy, selfish, disrespectful and refuses to recognise you as his equal.

reading as you write sounds terribly painful OP.. I'm heartbroken that you are staying in this bad situation to please 'everyone' but you. To read that everyone's opinion matters more than you mental health and happiness.. this is very difficult reading my lovely.

Wow. You've described a relationship that has conditioned you into becoming a carer for this adult man - by him and his family, by your parents' relationship and your family.

I am so sorry OP, I know you don't need or want my pity, but it does make me feel sad that an intelligent, capable woman like you has been reduced to such a small and mean relationship, with a man who does not and short of a miracle, will never likely be an equal partner.

Your long post about what he would like or expect from your marriage (all the cooking, cleaning and expectations of sex) was really upsetting to read.

Because you write all about what he wants, what he's expecting from you with no thought from him for what you want.

Of course he was devastated when you previously broke up - he lost his girlfriend/ housekeeper/ pick-up-after-him carer. I would be very upset too if the person I relied upon to do everything for me left me.

I'm a SAHM and have been for +10 years. The things you say your SIL does for your brother, because she's also a SAHM does not happen in my household. I have never waited on my husband hand and foot, he married the wrong person if he thought that was going to be the deal. I don't bring in any money to the relationship, but I do bring myself and I'm beyond any ££ value! The housework and cooking is mainly down to me, but he's not beyond vacuuming or cooking etc. when it's required. My DH values the housework and child raising that I do.

It really sounds like you need to learn to value yourself, otherwise you will end up like your mother (she hasn't had a happy marriage, now hates men, you wish she had left your father). You also don't want your daughter to grow up expecting so little for herself, do you?

I'm sorry that you're in this crap relationship, don't doubt yourself, you deserve better than this man

I feel that he would have affairs maybe but he wouldn't leave me ever.
Also this is really sad. Why do you think you are worth so little?

@TottiePlantagenet haha I tell him this. I have said before - it's always about what you want and what I'm not providing for you how you would like- cooking, sex, washing clothes, tidying up after him. When is it ever about what I want from you ? He asked me what I wanted from him and the main thing I said at the time was for him to just let me visit my parents as often as I would like so I can have a little break and for him not to guilt trip me about it and to actually be happy for me for having a nice time. That's before I realised just how little he did and how much that was getting me down. All I wanted was to be able to see my family without a guilt trip. I feel sad that he knows how much I struggle and how sad I am and he won't give me his blessing and be happy for me when I go. It's getting better but it's still not like he wishes me well and he wants me to come back quickly.

He doesn't want you to visit family because he knows they will tell you to leave. And he doesn't want you to go out and have time to think about how awful he treats you! He wants you to think/worry about him while you are out, making you feel guilty.

You need to start getting angry with him, and use that anger to leave him.

[quote jutasking]@PrincessNutNutRoast I would be sad for him. I genuinely think he would be absolutely devastated. I left him before and it was hell for me to see him upset. I just can't bare seeing him upset and even just remembering it makes me really sad. I also would disappoint his family and generally it just seems fickle to get divorced so quickly. They would blame me and so would he. They would say that I just don't have what it takes to be a wife. Like I'm just weak and I took the vows so lightly to just leave 'because he's messy '. I would feel like I let him and everyone down. Also like I let my daughter down as she won't grow up in an intact family. I feel like I should just be able to take it for her I guess but it's not right. That's how I grew up and it's not been good for me to see. [/quote]
OP you need to have a calm conversation with him and tell him what you have told us, tell him that unless he steps up and starts pulling his weight with the household work and parenting (stop calling it 'helping' because that is assigning ownership and responsibility to you, he is an adult in the household and therefore is equally responsible) that you will have no alternative to leave him because it would be easier to do it alone than do it while carrying his weight too.

Put him on notice, stop doing everything for him, and if he doesn't make an effort to change then walk away without guilt, after all it isn't a snap decision and he has had fair warning and the opportunity to do something about it.

@WildfirePonie

He doesn't want you to visit family because he knows they will tell you to leave. And he doesn't want you to go out and have time to think about how awful he treats you! He wants you to think/worry about him while you are out, making you feel guilty.

You need to start getting angry with him, and use that anger to leave him.

Absolutely true.

He doesn't wantbyour family know how abusive he is.
Your mother saw him clearly with the sleeping arrangements.

He wants you beaten into the ground and broken with exhaustion. He doesn't want you strong and thinking for yourself.

He wants you beaten into the ground and broken with exhaustion. He doesn't want you strong and thinking for yourself.

This. And it isn't love. Men like him can't love women because they don't like or respect them.

Please don't pass on to your daughter the burden your mother passed to you when it comes to relationships.

Break the cycle.

I'll say it again, you need to go to your mother ASAP, and turn your phone off. If there is any kind of emergency he can ring your mother's phone. GO, then turn your phone off.

Who cares what a bunch of sexist twats think? Your Mum is absolutely right. You are totally under his thumb and it's sad to read. You and your daughter deserve better.

If the hobgoblins are going to be disappointed if the marriage ends, why will it be only in you? Why won't they be disappointed in their knuckle dragging son?

@SpilltheTea it's just so weird to read that because I feel like I'm constantly rebelling this year. So I don't feel under his thumb, I find it hard to view myself that way. If you met me you'd never think that of me. I also pride myself in being someone who can stand up for themselves and I take no shit. But clearly I do take shit. I get guilted into feeling like I'm not enough. Also everyone saying my mum is right- I know she is, but she also perpetuates it. She calls me and asks me what I'm cooking tonight all the time and if I say I haven't cooked, she's a bit like - ok that's up to you then if you think it's ok not to cook for your husband - I won't tell you to do it- but I do think it's a bit strange that you don't always cook for him.. so she doesn't help with comments like that. Even-though she doesn't want me to be like her, it's so ingrained in her that that's what you do as a woman. You have dinner ready. I've tried not to spoil him by always providing it for him. But he just guilts me into it and since we've had the baby I would say I actually cook more. God forbid sometimes he cooks after work and makes a big deal out of the fact he's come home from work and has to cook. Then he makes a massive mess of course which I end up cleaning up. I'm starting to thinks he does that on purpose... ah well.

You seem to have a lot of insight into your situation and how people are manipulating you for their own reasons. But you seem strangely unwilling to do anything about it.

@C0NNIE I analyse things a lot and I've read up on manipulation. I have been doing a lot about it and standing up for myself a lot lately, but it's not working as well as I would like. I've spent the last few months telling my husband to change and telling him how fed up I am of his shit. But it doesn't seem to work like I would like it to.

There is no chance of change unless he faces consequences, and you being worked into the ground even while you have a serious condition is not a consequence he cares about.

Never mind telling him that it makes you miserable; he knows, he doesn't care. Your only chance is to tell him that it is making you so miserable that you will leave if it doesn't change, because you will be happier without him and all his behaviour indicates that if your health worsens, he will not stay himself. I'd bet my house that he will leave if his slave becomes unable to serve him, with the first woman who's willing to have him (why any woman would have him, I don't know, but he'll spin a line until he finds a willing idiot, and sadly there is no shortage of those).

You need to do more than just communicate that you're unhappy because he doesn't give a shit.

I've spent the last few months telling my husband to change and telling him how fed up I am of his shit. But it doesn't seem to work like I would like it to

Well yes that’s a problem. But to be honest, if I knew the secret of how to make other people change against their will, I wouldn’t be here on MN. I would be ruling the world.

It’s hard enough to change yourself, even if you really really want to. ,list of us need support from others to do so.

It’s ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to change someone else.

Your husband won’t change because he likes things the way they are. It’s working for him. He doesn't care about your feelings. You can tell him until the cows come home she he will go on ignoring you / nodding and doing nothing / making promises - whatever will make you STFU.

You are wasting your breath my dear.

My experience is that, regardless of the rights and wrongs of the situation, people (men?) who behave like this will only change if they become unhappy with the status quo. It's no use appealing to their better nature because, if they had one, you wouldn't be in this situation to begin with. Instead, you have to make life as miserable and uncomfortable for them as possible and then 'bargain' back up to a point of equality.

The main lesson I learnt when I started counselling sessions was that you can't change the behaviour of other people; you can only change how you react to that behaviour. It's annoying in the extreme but that is the way of it.

Einstein's definition of insanity is worth repeating here - insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

You've tried many times to explain to him how you feel and what you want, but nothing changes. So will talking to him AGAIN make any difference ? Highly unlikely

@jutasking

And as I type all this - there's still doubt in my mind if I even have anything to complain about ? Am I being dramatic ? I just keep imagining talking to him about it and him just minimising it. It's happened so many times I just don't even know what's real anymore ? I had to actually re-read my post from yesterday because I couldn't really work out if I was the guilty party and just expecting too much somehow. I honestly feel confused. I think it's the gaslighting I've suffered from for years.

He is a lying liar who lies. There is no point in talking to him about anything. He. Will. Lie.

You know the truth about your marriage. You know it deep down into your soul. You don't need him to agree with what you already know. It's enough that you know it!

As far as fear, well, the unknown is always scary. Heck, life is scary. Each day each one of us faces something that frightens us. The trick is to see beyond the fear to the future.

And remember, it is much better to be alone than to be wishing you were.