Feeling overwhelmed with baby and job and man child husband

[jutasking]

I had my first baby in January this year and decided to go back early from Mat leave for financial reasons. My job is full on and high pressured. I keep getting to breaking point and just losing it and crying and screaming but my husband just doesn't seem to get it and makes me feel like I just whinge and I'm dramatic.

I just don't know how long I can keep doing this. The housework just gets on top of me as it's my sole responsibility and until a few weeks ago so was my baby girl. I told my husband I'm just breaking and he needs to help. Sometimes I just want to leave him and run away. I just can't see how I'm ever going to be happy in my life / situation. I had a nanny but it didn't work out so I'm on my own at the moment. My husband stays home some days and other days my mother in law comes. Some days I just kind of have to manage and work late when she's sleeping.

It's the housework though. It brings me to breaking point when I see the mountain of laundry I have to do and all the other bits that I just keep needing to do to keep things going. I'm also starting to feel guilty about not being able to give my baby girl 100 percent . She's been going through a strange couple of weeks of just crying more and I just feel so awful when she's upset.

I got upset tonight and my husband just said ' he doesn't need this right now ' and I'm always dramatic and I should just ' chill out ' about housework. I'm really just doing the bare minimum to keep the house from imploding and to have some kind of order as we can't live in a complete mess. I just don't know what to do. I just want to run away. I just feel stuck. I feel like other mums can just do all this, I just can't do it all. I also suffer from a chronic illness. Which doesn't yet affect me day to day, but could make me disabled in the future so it's hard to say how much this plays into what I can take on. I just feel rubbish.

"like the women back in the day"
Bullshit - back in the day was not so great, but men "back in the day" worked 12 hours plus a day, 6 days a week and brought home a families worth of wages. Also, no X-boxes/Ps-5s Does he do this? No!

(and incidentally in a lot of working class householes where the women also went out to work social researchers of the time were amazed to discover that men actually did a lot more housework/childcare on average than middle class households where only the man worked. Because even in the olden times some marriages were partnerships and some men were real men not babies)

Hi OP,

Your DH sounds like a proper dick head. Who does he think he is? The King? Tell him to sling his hook!

Leave him, he is dragging you down, treating you like a slave.

Oh i'm sure he'll be so "heartbroken". Poor ickle mans having to do his laundry and housework. Oh how will he ever cope?! (Seriously, how will he cope, and who cares anyway).

Imagine living without him, just you and DD. How peaceful and clean your home would be. Not having to run around after this man baby. Not being compared to other people - who might not even be coping well anyway!

Pack your stuff, get to your mums and take a breather. Ignore his calls/texts as they will only drag you down and he'll try and guilt you back home. Or kick him out, not sure on your housing situation but you defo need to get away from him and have some space.

I was you OP. Insane job, baby and husband who didn’t help much (mine was better than yours tbh).

Then I had a second child followed quickly by PND and a breakdown in which I had an affair and my life almost fell apart.

I will spare you the detail but all I would say is protect yourself. You know on an airplane when they say you need to put on your own oxygen mask before you put on your child’s? It’s rational, right? You can’t help your baby if you’re unable to breathe. THATS WHAT YOURE RISKING RIGHT NOW.

Protect your mental health, look after yourself.

Even though I’m out the other side of the worst of it I still find it hard to cope some days. I wonder if I’d dealt with it sooner, I might be a more capable mum now?

Good luck. Please please listen to this advice.

Could you afford a cleaner once a week? Both pay half?
Make some jobs your husbands e.g the old classic bins but also recycling too , then just stop thinking about them at all.
Also get your husband to do halve the drop offs, pick ups and take it in turns to stay home when child is sick.
Send his shirts out for ironing which he pays for and arranges by the way.

Also, I am not saying all men in the military are beacons of progress/feminism but they are all capable of cleaning, making beds, doing laundry and ironing to an extremely high standard. Their testosterone strangely doesnt get in the way of learning that. So maybe he should try being a real man? (you shouldnt wait for that though you should just leave)

I really feel for you OP. Its all well and good everyone saying to leave him, but its hardly an easy decision. Try and take some time out for you, go to your mums if needed, with the baby if you'll get support there, and have some time to reflect.

He obviously needs to grow up but its ultimately up to you whether you can build your life with him whilst he does. If he does. He sounds utterly exhausting.

Are you the main breadwinner?

OP, I'm a lone mum with a full time, demanding job. I have a cleaner & all of us do our own laundry, pick up after ourselves & take turns to feed each other. The boys also have responsibility for their own bathroom & bedrooms. My youngest son is 13 & oldest is 17.... what's your adult husband's excuse? A family can't function the way you're doing it.

This is abusive behaviour as he is exerting control over you and treating you like a servant OP.
Stop doing his laundry and please think about getting support to leave - link below
www.womensaid.org.uk/

@Lancrelady80

Oh yeah fully get why you'd be angry. My partner tried stupid tactics like that, said he couldn't work a washing machine. I just gave him a look, then reminded him he fixes computers for a living, laughed at him and walked off. Funnily enough, he figured it out very quickly after that. He doesn't try it anymore either.

OP, you've got lots of amazing advice here. If you're not willing to leave him yet, fair enough, one step at a time. Stop doing his laundry. All the clothes mess he leaves around? Buy a big hamper (using his card) from amazon, get it delivered and throw literally all of his clothes into it. Doesn't matter if they are clean or dirty, they are now out of sight. Rooms will look tidier very quickly by doing that.

You're struggling with work and childcare so try and take a few days off after Christmas, get childcare sorted with a nursery and send your child there each day that you're working. Do your job during the day, and I think you said you work from home, so before you start work, put a load of washing on (yours and babies ONLY) and by lunch time they will be done and ready to hang out. But you need childcare sorted.

And stop cooking for man child. Make yourself something simple, soup, beans on toast, whatever and ignore him. Pretend he doesn't exist like he pretends you don't. If he starves, he starves.

This will NEVER get better unless you leave him. He is a despicable human being and incredibly abusive. If you are unable to do the kind thing for yourself please do it for your daughter and do not allow her to grow up in that environment.

The problem you have is that it is not just how your relationship is, it is how you both have been brought up and both families are basically backing him up on how he behaves by how they are. But you do have your work cut out if he can't even tidy up after making a cup of tea.
You need to think about this with a clear head if you do not want a divorce because with everything you have written it would be really easy. He is so old fashioned it is ridiculous, even down to you can't visit your family and leave him on his own. Does he not see how ludicrous it is that at his age he can't even look after himself. He needs to understand that if you did divorce he would have to learn to look after the house and his child if he wanted to see her. You need to make it plain that you work and there are not enough hours in the day to do everything else aswell. And his family fueling his disagreement of a nanny is really not helping. Do they know you are at risk of losing your job? Or does he want you to be a SAHM is that why he doesn't help, to make it impossible, does he earn enough? Not, that with the way he behaves i think you should even consider it, or another child at this rate. Write a list of EVERYTHING you do, even down to closing the cupboards and putting the milk away and all the mental thinking/planning you do. Then a list of what he does. Also a list of what 'free time' you both get. Show him this and ask him does he think this is fair. His response will let you know if he is willing to change. Give him a pen and he can add to his list what he is willing to do. As a housework suggestion, but you should probably have a cleaner for a while or to get you on an even keel, would be look up the TOMM method on Facebook (The Organised Mom Method) something like this may help give you (and him) a bit of guidance on how to keep on top of things so you don't feel so swamped. And finally I would seriously look at him and say what sort of life do you expect your daughter to have? Do you expect her wait hand and foot on a man? Or would you like her to have value to her work and life and be valued? This will tell you A LOT. I can't even mention the sleeping thing because whilst he is ok to a degree to say due to his work he needs to sleep well, what he did allow was not okay why did he not sort a decent bed in the spare for you? And since when do you come below his mum in the pecking order when she stayed. Why did he not sort a sofa bed or something rather than expect the sofa to be ok for you. Ultimately you need to be calm and level headed about this as you mentioned you could get really angry and smash something you would then lose any argument and be constantly reminded of it and he would tell everyone. Good luck and keep us updated

There's obviously bigger issues at hand here BUT I know a messy house can impact on your own well being (tidy house, tidy mind and all that jazz). A big game changer for me was the organised mum method (there's an app and website). It involves breaking housework down into little jobs so nothing becomes overwhelming and means no cleaning at weekends. It has really helped me this year, working from home and fitting little jobs into lunch break, etc. You should absolutely pass a job or two onto your husband, even if it just doing the bins or the garden. Sell them as 'mans jobs' (for reference, my oh would help with any housework but does tend to do bits like that are more physical or heavy).
Another big help has been The batch lady recipes so I'm only really cooking once or twice a week.

And definitely make him do his own washing from now on.

I just can't get over how a man who you say would be heart broken if you left him, could insist you and your baby sleep on the sofa - AND YOU HAVE MS! Sorry for shouting. If my DD ever comes to tell me this of her relationship - I wouldn't be upset, I'd be bloody fuming and hell and high water wouldn't stop me from saying my piece to this apology of a human being.

All the suggestions about proper childcare, getting a cleaner, batching cooking etc etc are all very helpful, but they take energy to arrange, and it sounds like you would also be fielding a lot of 'judgement' from husband and his family, which again takes energy. And frankly you sounds so tired, so worn down, that I think you need to take yourself and the baby off to your Mum's to recharge your batteries and give yourself space to figure out what you want and how you can achieve it.

I certainly agree that counselling for yourself would be a very good idea. I don't think couples counselling at this stage would be useful, you're just to tired. Maybe later and even then not necessarily.

I'm sure you've been told that recuperation time and rest is very important for those with MS. Working yourself to the bone and stressing about getting everything done is definitely not good for your long time health.

Pack a bag for the baby and a bag for you and go to your Mum's and tell her what's been going on. And if she wants to give him a piece of her mind - let her. He needs to know he's let you down big time. I don't know the words of the marriage vows you took, but for me the most important, lovely and meaningful word in the CofE wedding vows is the word "Cherish". Both parties promise to cherish each other. He hasn't been cherishing you for some time and I think that's sad, really sad.

OP, move back into your mums until your childcare is in place, tell her everything. And (unless you decide to seperate now) tell him when you come back he needs to have learnt some life skills, or he will have to find another place to live. The bed is a priority for you and the baby. Any mess he leaves pile it up in one area out of your way. Split jobs fifty fifty in a way that if he doesn't do his it affects him the most (like he does all the washing and cooks dinner - if he doesn't cook you can just do your own. And make clear he's out of there as soon as he doesn't pull his weight. Can you put work on pause, it sounds like you went back too soon and without the childcare you are breaking. This is not ok for you.

Thanks everyone. Getting a divorce takes massive balls on my part. Everyone would be so disappointed in me. My parents would support me in it though and my mum wants to kill him and wants to tell him what she thinks but I keep stopping her. She also says exactly what you all have said- he's good a great deal- a wife that makes brings in equal or more than he does, a cleaner and someone to look after his child. My mum always asks me the same question - what do you get ? I've only ever talked about it to my mum before this post. But I thought her opinion was a bit skewed because she literally hates men now because of what she's been through. It's been useful to see that so many others agree with her on this.

I don’t hate men. But I hate people who exploit and abuse the ones they are supposed to love and a lot of them are men.

None of us here know you or your husband - we have no skin in the game. But most if not all of us know how hard it is to work and have a young baby. Then throw in your long term disability / health condition and it’s almost impossible.

Tell me - who would be disappointed in you if you left him ? you said your mum supports you.

What about your colleagues ? Do they really love your husband and think that you should stay with him until you have a breakdown ? I’m guessing not.

His family ? Well who cares what they think - they won’t be your family after the divorce, you never have to see them again.

What about your friends ? Would they really want you to stay if they knew the truth ?

I think you are amazing. But you are only human. You pay more than your way, do all the housework and the majority of the childcare. You've absolutely 100% got this.

On a side note OP my BIL has MS and my sister works for the NHS so I do understand your covid concerns. If it helps at all they have kept the kids in nursery and the cleaner and have a childcare bubble with parents. On balance they thought it best that they had routine and help as things worsen for him when he is stressed/run down and dr agreed. I don’t know if that helps but just gives you and idea what someone else in your position has decided to do re covid.

Your Mum has his measure. If she's been through similar (sorry if you said what she's been through and I missed it), learn from her.

@Buttercupcup yeah that definitely helps a lot thank you. It sounds like they've done the right thing! I will take that on board.

I don’t normally respond to this type of thread but I just feel so sad for you, OP.

As I’ve read your posts I just don’t see any positives at all to your situation. Your husband makes your life harder at every turn. I don’t think you’re getting anything out of your relationship except stress.

I don’t see that he has any positive attributes - he’s a poor father (kissing the baby occasionally does not make him a decent father), terrible role model for your daughter, doesn’t even take responsibility for his own daily life/mess let alone help make yours easier, it doesn’t sound like you need him financially to survive... think of how much better your life would be if you just had to worry about your daughter and yourself, not this ridiculous, entitled, useless man.

OP. He will never change unless he wants to and it doesn't sound like he does. My mum has been married to a MCP for 50 years. Only in the past few years has she stopped obeying his every command.

Sit down with XH, add up each of your total working hours, and see who has the most. Share all of the jobs, housework, baby, whatever, between the 2 of you accordingly. Schedule in family time together with the baby. Get a Nanny, get a Cleaner, do whatever is necessary to get through life.

If he is not prepared to do that, then you have your answer. I don't go round shouting LTB, but if you stay with him and he refuses to change, then this will be your life forever. Can you seriously put up with that?

My mum is extremely unhappy after 50 years of it and has only started to refuse demands over the past few years. A man is just as capable as making a cup of tea, but my father will walk past the kettle, sit down and tell her he wants a cup of tea. He would never do anything around the house ever, because it was her job, despite the fact that she went out twice a day and worked alongside him in the business for 2-3 hours at a time. he would never come in and help get breakfast . He expected all meals on the table at a certain time. He expected her to wait on him hand and foot. He will sit down and then ask her to get the sauce/jam/whatever instead of getting it himself.

It made me very resentful, and I stood up to him, defied him and refused to make him cups of tea etc, and certainly would never marry a man like him.

You sound extremely unhappy, and don't see that ever changing unless you can get your DH to change his ways.

My husband and I slept on the sofa when it was our turn for the night shift with the babies when they were younger (when they were very young and up a lot). Baby slept in Moses basket next to sofa. The difference is that we took turns. Even when I breast fed my husband would take one of the shifts with expressed milk so I got some sleep. Whoever was off shift got the comfy bed so they slept well ready to swap over etc.

You DH sounds like a waste of space if I’m honest. Stop doing everything for him and just look after yourself and the baby.

Everyone would be so disappointed in me.

I don't mean to be morbid, but when you are at the end of your life and looking back on what you did with it, and this is the justification you've got for using it to enable this horrible lazy entitled man for no love and no return...how will you feel?

It's not your obligation to stay in a miserable marriage with a man who sees you as little more than a service droid to satisfy other people.