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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wife’s mother and her fucking card

374 replies

Nicholashaslosthisknickers · 12/12/2020 14:16

Afternoon wise Mumsnetters,

This isn’t a huge issue but one I thought I’d seek your opinions on in a light hearted way.

If you’re married, living together and generally happy, do most people send Christmas cards to both of you?

Now I do appreciate it’s nice to receive a card in these days of round robin emails extolling the virtues of giving to charity instead of sending cards, just as I appreciate it’s entirely up to the sender who they address their card to.

In a show of enormous passive aggression my husband’s former MIL sends him a card to our home addressed just to him. Every.Single.Year. She knows my name, I am step mum to her grand children.

He never sends her one. Never speaks to her. Never sees her. We’ve been married for 3 years and together for 7. I wasn’t the reason her daughter and he split.

I am expecting a torrent of first wives to come down on me like a tonne of bricks with all the usual she’s fully entitled to send a card to who she wants, he was her SIL, etc. But why not just include my name?

AIBU? Really be kind, this isn’t a big deal, it won’t change the course of anything. I’m just interested if I’m being an over sensitive dick head over this because it’s really bloody annoying.

OP posts:
RandomUser18282 · 12/12/2020 14:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

HoofHeartedSanta · 12/12/2020 14:55

The Ex- Mil might be one of those only family is family weird people, slightly more evolved than the only blood is family weirdos .If your DH hadn’t provided half the DNA for her Grandchildren he wouldn’t get a name check/card either. I would laugh at this pettiness myself says more about them than you !

LouLou789 · 12/12/2020 14:55

She’s being rude. My former MIL sends a card to me and second DH. Apart from anything else, he’s been a wonderful stepdad to their two grandsons. They’ve only met briefly three times, and the first time, she said to him, “Thank you for making her happy again”.

RandomUser18282 · 12/12/2020 14:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

WeeDangerousSpike · 12/12/2020 14:56

@WhySoSensitive I'd just send the bloody things back 'return to sender - not at this address' it would piss me right off too!

Brunts12 · 12/12/2020 14:56

I’d kill her with kindness and post her the loveliest Christmas card from all of us! Oh it would annoy her!! Xmas Grin

Eckhart · 12/12/2020 14:57

I think YABU to yourself for getting worked up about it. Do you really want to spend time feeling pissed off about this? Aren't there things you'd prefer to be doing? Why do you give a flying fandoodle what she thinks or why or whether she's being passive aggressive?

MimiDaisy11 · 12/12/2020 14:57

I would only ready it as passive-aggressive if she has form and has done other things. It's nice seeing my name on cards from people I don't know but I don't think badly of the person if they just address it to my partner.

AwesomeTrucker · 12/12/2020 14:57

Maybe it's as simple as her feeling awkward and not knowing how you would feel about receiving a card from his ex-mil. You might find if you send a card to her from both if you then she will add your name next time. As you dont know her very well it's a bit off to automatically assume she is being passive aggressive unless there is more to it.

Yoshinori · 12/12/2020 14:57

You don’t send her a card because you don’t know her but think it’s not okay that she doesn’t send you a card even though she also doesn’t know you????Hmm

UseOfWeapons · 12/12/2020 15:00

@SnoozyBoozy

Hmm, I'm on the fence here... On the one hand, I agree is is either PA or rude, however the fact that you don't ever send her one, being the grandmother of your husband's children, could be construed as equally rude. Perhaps her daughter and your DH used to send cards, but your DH stopped when they divorced, so in her mind she is sending one to him out of duty (as the father of her gkids) but she has no duty towards someone who has never sent her a card?

I would try sending a card back to her and include all your names and see what happens next year.

Same here. I have a friend who I send a card to every year, and we’ve known one another for decades. However, I’ve never met his current wife. I’ve always included her name in the card when I send it, and up until last year, I was receiving a card in his handwriting from them both. Last year, the card was written by his apparently nice lady wife whom I don’t know. I’m now feeling that if my friend can’t be arsed to write me a card without delegating it to his wife, I’m not going to bother sending one any more. If it was me, I’d probably send the card from you all, as suggested above, and see what happens next year. If she still only sends to your DH, stuff it!
ChikiTIKI · 12/12/2020 15:02

It might be one of those things where in her mind she has "forgiven" him for the divorce, and the "proof" is that she sends him a Christmas card every year.

But really she hasn't forgiven him and this missing your name off is her way of showing it? And an attempt to cause upset?

Nottherealslimshady · 12/12/2020 15:04

It may be rude but I really would care. You barely know eachother. I dont really see why she's sending him one.

Original poster
Nicholashaslosthisknickers · 12/12/2020 15:04

To those saying I expect a card from her, no no no no! I am just a little surprised that she goes to the trouble of writing a card and sending it to our home but misses out my name.

We don’t receive cards from anyone else who hasn’t included my name. He has a large family and lots of friends I barely know but they all include my name or at least ‘and family’.

OP posts:
YoniAndGuy · 12/12/2020 15:07

Oh god ignore the 'check me out, I'm practically horizontal' brigade.

It's rude and passive-aggressive.

Pity her for it.

Also bear in mind that for someone like this, the fact that your DH completely ignores her in return probably winds her up far far more than this does to you!

Card in bin, moment's pity for a woman who can't manage her emotions enough to retain basic manners, job done.

Emeraldshamrock · 12/12/2020 15:10

@cookiesthatcrumble Omg so bloody rude. I'd be livid I'd send them £1 it would be a passive aggressive £1 then nothing else.

Holothane · 12/12/2020 15:11

Just bin if it bothers you that much.

Palaver1 · 12/12/2020 15:12

I just asked an aged aunt about this .
She said that normally it would be addressed to whom was known .
I asked did she think it was aggressive,she said no.

One thing she did throw in was her generation did things a bit differently.
She did ask what was my business in the matter lol.
She said I have a lot of time on my hands
I’m still having a chuckle about her remark

onlythepianoplayer · 12/12/2020 15:12

Of course it’s rude. She’s purposefully omitting you as some twisted us and them stance

Or, in the world of the non paranoid/perpetually frothing people, she's merely sending a card to someone she knows and doesn't include people she doesn't know.
Like a normal person.

SeaMoonWave · 12/12/2020 15:14

Of course it’s rude and PA. Especially if she knows the grandkids stay with you!

OhCaptain · 12/12/2020 15:15

Of course it’s rude! Posters are either being deliberately obtuse or are a bit thick, I’m afraid.

You’re not looking for her to send you a card.

But of course it’s rude and weird not to include you in the card that she sends to your home.

Bonsai49 · 12/12/2020 15:15

If she put DH and family that would be better if she’s not sure of your name - if she does know your name it’s weird - poor mannered

OhCaptain · 12/12/2020 15:16

@onlythepianoplayer

Of course it’s rude. She’s purposefully omitting you as some twisted us and them stance

Or, in the world of the non paranoid/perpetually frothing people, she's merely sending a card to someone she knows and doesn't include people she doesn't know.
Like a normal person.

Except she does know her so that’s not what’s happening here, is it?
onlythepianoplayer · 12/12/2020 15:16

Of course it’s rude! Posters are either being deliberately obtuse or are a bit thick, I’m afraid

Are you always that much of a dick?
It couldn't possibly be that you're in the wrong, no? (you are, btw)

BlueThistles · 12/12/2020 15:17

She's making a very clear statement with this card, and this card is her way of showing you what she thinks of you.

She does not like you, and this card is her way of showing you are invisible to her, you are nothing and not relevant enough to even name on this card.

Yes it's passive aggressive, and you do right ignoring her as she ignores you. Don't give her head space. Bin the card, or the immature side of me would send it back unopened .. but that's just me lol Flowers