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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wife’s mother and her fucking card

374 replies

Nicholashaslosthisknickers · 12/12/2020 14:16

Afternoon wise Mumsnetters,

This isn’t a huge issue but one I thought I’d seek your opinions on in a light hearted way.

If you’re married, living together and generally happy, do most people send Christmas cards to both of you?

Now I do appreciate it’s nice to receive a card in these days of round robin emails extolling the virtues of giving to charity instead of sending cards, just as I appreciate it’s entirely up to the sender who they address their card to.

In a show of enormous passive aggression my husband’s former MIL sends him a card to our home addressed just to him. Every.Single.Year. She knows my name, I am step mum to her grand children.

He never sends her one. Never speaks to her. Never sees her. We’ve been married for 3 years and together for 7. I wasn’t the reason her daughter and he split.

I am expecting a torrent of first wives to come down on me like a tonne of bricks with all the usual she’s fully entitled to send a card to who she wants, he was her SIL, etc. But why not just include my name?

AIBU? Really be kind, this isn’t a big deal, it won’t change the course of anything. I’m just interested if I’m being an over sensitive dick head over this because it’s really bloody annoying.

OP posts:
onlythepianoplayer · 12/12/2020 16:22

There’s a fair bit of second wife/step mum biase finding it’s way into the thread though. Unsurprisingly

No, there isn't. You do have several chips on your shoulder, don't you?

Butterymuffin · 12/12/2020 16:23

I am in the 'it's polite to put partners' names in cards' camp. But I also wonder how her daughter feels, or would feel, about her mother sending a card to her ex husband? I would feel annoyed if my mum did that. Count yourself lucky she's not your mum I guess.

VerlynWebbe · 12/12/2020 16:23

I once met DH’s stepdad’s first wife at a wedding. She was visibly making no effort to be polite. I was cross but then thought, what the hell, she has bad memories and no obligation to be nice even to the in-laws of the woman who took her place.

Imagine this woman feels similarly - you’re nothing to her! Let it go (maybe have a bit of pity, that’s always satisfying).

slipperywhensparticus · 12/12/2020 16:26

Just to him or him and the children? (I'm grasping at straws here) my ex mil has never sent me a card but I dont send cards to be fair even my own mom rarely gets one

Although I have sent one from her grandchildren this year with a picture of them for her as her husband was very sick and my ex won't bother but usually I don't

YoniAndGuy · 12/12/2020 16:36

@Retiremental

I’m a first wife and a second wife. My Exs mother AND step mother both send me Christmas and birthday cards and are on my FB page with frequent interactions. The world still turns Wink
Oh jeeeeeeeez

When you've finished patting yourself on your smug little back, READ THE FUCKING THREAD.

ClickandForget · 12/12/2020 16:38

It is generally the done thing that if someone is married, you send Christmas greetings to both them and their spouse, even if you've never met said spouse

Now I think that would be weird.

Retiremental · 12/12/2020 16:41

Yoni do calm down love. I have indeed read the thread. The frothing second wives are hilarious Grin

GlowingOrb · 12/12/2020 16:46

My dad just out my name on the Christmas card this year even though he intends it for the whole family. Come to think of it, I did the same with my sister last week. Sent her a big box of presents for everyone in the family, but just put her name on the outer box.

LisaLee333 · 12/12/2020 16:51

Tricky one @Nicholashaslosthisknickers

YANBU to be miffed by it. But on the other hand, there is no need for her to put your name on the card. You're her daughter's ex-husband's new partner, and irrelevant to her. It does seem like she is making a point though 'you are non-existent and irrelevant to me.' He may not be bothered about contact with her, but she is his children's grandmother, so I am a bit confused as to why he is so cold towards her, and rips up the card. Is he doing it to placate you?

And yeah it is a bit passive aggressive I suppose. But she is entitled to do what she likes to be fair. I am sorry you are hurt by it though, and you are entitled to feel that way. Maybe HE can have a word with his ex wife/mother of his children, and ask why her mother does this???

DreadingSeason2020sFinale · 12/12/2020 16:52

@ladygracie

No - it’s rude and unnecessary. It’s not like she has no way of finding out your name.

This. It is very rude to send a card to a household but leaving a husband or wife out. I haven't met my husband's uncle's wife. They live abroad. That doesn't mean it wouldn't be monumentally rude of me to address the Christmas card to his uncle and the children but not his wife, just as it would be rude of her to send to DH and our kids and not me.

Chocolate1984 · 12/12/2020 16:54

I send Xmas cards to my friends and don’t include their partner/spouses. I thought it was ok because I only really knew them but now I’m wondering if I’m in the wrong?

onlythepianoplayer · 12/12/2020 16:56

I send Xmas cards to my friends and don’t include their partner/spouses. I thought it was ok because I only really knew them but now I’m wondering if I’m in the wrong?

You are not. Please do not take etiquette advice, or indeed any advice, from AIBU. Some of these people are so far gone into the froth they are never coming back to the real world!
Normal people aren't so nasty about other peoples husbands ex mother in laws!!

ScrapThatThen · 12/12/2020 16:59

He is just on her Christmas list. She probably hasn't given it a second thought for years. Or thought what the etiquette is and decided not to add your name. No big snub.

Eckhart · 12/12/2020 16:59

Those of you who are saying you know what the MIL's thinking, and she's definitely being passive aggressive - how do you know? Others on the thread are suggesting other perfectly possible motivations. What looks obvious to you isn't necessarily obvious to everybody.

Assuming that something with a number of possible motivations is motivated by spite towards you is called paranoia. Getting wound up about it is self destructive. OP - MIL's motivations may well not be to spite you. Don't wind yourself up.

ChocolateCherrybomb · 12/12/2020 17:01

It's just another episode of "who the fuck knows" though isn't it. Hundreds if not thousands of posts on here like it.

Someone says or does something, you end up baffled and off goes another AIBU.

Truth is, most posters are baffled when dealing with batshit because they are not batshit themselves. Then lots of also non-batshit MNetters (to be fair, a few batshit ones always join in too but they quite often just take up opposition to the majority to try and stir the shit) try to work it out and nobody is any the wiser in the end.

She is being rude but you will never be sure why. Just throw it in the bin, laugh and leave her to it.

VetiverAndLavender · 12/12/2020 17:02

I think it's strange to not address a Christmas card to everyone in the home. In my circle, back when we exchanged cards, this was sometimes accomplished by writing "Vetiver and family", if you didn't remember everyone's name or want to risk leaving someone out.

It's not a big deal, on its own, but if it's part of a pattern of behaviour, it might take on more meaning, and I can see how it would be unpleasant to feel intentionally left out of the greeting.

D4rwin · 12/12/2020 17:05

Why doesn't your husband send her a card?

PawPawNoodle · 12/12/2020 17:06

So you want to be named on a card from your husbands ex-wifes mother? If it was a card from his own mother I can understand being upset but she has literally nothing to do with you and I don't see why she would, even if you were nothing to do with her daughter and your husbands divorce.

Bluntness100 · 12/12/2020 17:07

Could this be a symptom of your mental illness op? It was a bit of a late drip feed that you’re unwell.

I think she barely knows you, so there is really no need to send you a card. I think your husband ripping it up is very extreme, it’s just a card for goodness sake. But it seems he’s done it for you.

Are you getting help for your mental health?

MahMahMahMahCorona · 12/12/2020 17:09

@Nicholashaslosthisknickers - I totally get why it pisses you off. She could simply write "Dear XSIL and family." That would be polite and cost absolutely nothing. His kids are her grandchildren!!!!!

I once got a card through my door, addressed to my OH who didn't even live with me at the time. Gave it to him when he came round: it was an invitation to attend their son's christening. Alone. I was utterly gobsmacked at the audacity and when OH sent a text "is this an invite for me and MahMahMahMahCorona?" they sent back one saying "restricted numbers in the church." They then had a massive party in the local pub after. How to break a friendship! 😐

onlythepianoplayer · 12/12/2020 17:09

I think it's strange to not address a Christmas card to everyone in the home

Is it strange to not send cards back? Is it strange to rip up cards and throw them in the bin because your wife gets so worked up that her name isnt on it even though the card is from someone she doesn't know?

Which is stranger, really?

dayswithaY · 12/12/2020 17:09

Some people have the same Christmas card list on a tatty piece of paper that they use year in, year out. Unless someone dies, then they cross their name out. It could just be that she follows the list and your husband is just one of a hundred people she sends a card to. Or maybe she's pissed off because your husband never sends her a card. Either way, people are complex and weird, don't think about it anymore.

Feedingthebirds1 · 12/12/2020 17:12

I couldn't find the head space to even think about this, let alone post.

Now the year DP's mum sent a card and present to him only was interesting. Apparently it just never crossed her mind that I was around (and had been for 20 years). I can believe it, she wasn't nasty but it was always obvious that her DCs were important to her and their partners/spouses were merely appendages to be tolerated.

Cloverforever · 12/12/2020 17:12

I suspect your dh sends her a card but daren’t tell you. And as for saying this doesn’t bother you, the title of this threads says otherwise

Hardbackwriter · 12/12/2020 17:13

@Chocolate1984

I send Xmas cards to my friends and don’t include their partner/spouses. I thought it was ok because I only really knew them but now I’m wondering if I’m in the wrong?
This thread has worried me too! I was about to write my Christmas cards to colleagues tonight - I do know their partners'/childrens' names, because they come up in conversation, but I've never met any of them so I was going to send the cards just to the colleague - is that wrong?!