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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wife’s mother and her fucking card

374 replies

Nicholashaslosthisknickers · 12/12/2020 14:16

Afternoon wise Mumsnetters,

This isn’t a huge issue but one I thought I’d seek your opinions on in a light hearted way.

If you’re married, living together and generally happy, do most people send Christmas cards to both of you?

Now I do appreciate it’s nice to receive a card in these days of round robin emails extolling the virtues of giving to charity instead of sending cards, just as I appreciate it’s entirely up to the sender who they address their card to.

In a show of enormous passive aggression my husband’s former MIL sends him a card to our home addressed just to him. Every.Single.Year. She knows my name, I am step mum to her grand children.

He never sends her one. Never speaks to her. Never sees her. We’ve been married for 3 years and together for 7. I wasn’t the reason her daughter and he split.

I am expecting a torrent of first wives to come down on me like a tonne of bricks with all the usual she’s fully entitled to send a card to who she wants, he was her SIL, etc. But why not just include my name?

AIBU? Really be kind, this isn’t a big deal, it won’t change the course of anything. I’m just interested if I’m being an over sensitive dick head over this because it’s really bloody annoying.

OP posts:
fourquenelles · 12/12/2020 14:31

My Father's mother used to search out cards that read "To my son and his wife" every year of their married life for 40 odd years. That is passive aggressive!

Swingometer · 12/12/2020 14:33

I would imagine it is a very deliberate omission on her part rather than a case of her forgetting your name

If you are letting it wind you up then she has clearly achieved her aim

If she's on MN she will be reading this thread with utter joy I imagine Grin

CiderWithRosy · 12/12/2020 14:34

I think it's very weird and rude of the MIL to do this OP.

Original poster
Nicholashaslosthisknickers · 12/12/2020 14:34

Luckily my MIL is lovely. She probably sends ex wife a card and that’s great, we don’t have any hard feelings and although ex wife and I don’t exchange cards there’s no passive aggression to anything we do (at least I don’t think there is). I expect MIL includes ex wife’s new husband’s name? I don’t know??

OP posts:
MzHz · 12/12/2020 14:34

I’d kill the PA bat with kindness

“Dear Mil and MrMil, thanks so much for your card
Happy Christmas and all that

Op, op h, + any random kids and pets you want to include

MzHz · 12/12/2020 14:34

Ah ex W mother...

The weird is strong in that one for sure

Original poster
Nicholashaslosthisknickers · 12/12/2020 14:36

Maybe she is on here? If she is she might tell me why she does it?

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 12/12/2020 14:36

Is she 10? School children address their cards with just their friend’s name.

Adults write them to “Someone and family.”

Isthatitnow · 12/12/2020 14:39

I don’t send her a card because I don’t really know her

Yet you expect her to send you a card?

ScribblingPixie · 12/12/2020 14:39

It doesn't sound passive aggressive to me from what you've described. It sounds as if she's trying to be civilised by sending a Christmas card to her ex SIL, the father of her grandchildren, as if she'd be uncomfortable excluding him from her list. If she'd ever met you, perhaps she would include your name too.

MaryLeeOnHigh · 12/12/2020 14:40

I'd be tempted to look out for her writing on the card and send it back unopened.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/12/2020 14:40

@Isthatitnow

I don’t send her a card because I don’t really know her

Yet you expect her to send you a card?

No, she expects the exMil to put in the name of the wife whom she's met
RandomUser18282 · 12/12/2020 14:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 12/12/2020 14:43

I might not put you on the envelope (because I'd get nervous about whether you'd taken his surname or preferred Ms to Mrs if I didn't know you that well) but I'd definitely put your name inside the card.

My rule of thumb is that I write to whoever they put in their card (although I did eventually change to Peter, Sue and family when it included four children, their partners and grandchildren!).

But if neither of you send her a card or text to acknowledge it, you'd have been stuck of my list by now tbh, because I'd think you didn't care about getting one.

Get your DH to send a card signed from both of you, and the children.

VettiyaIruken · 12/12/2020 14:44

Yes it's her making some sort of point. Not that her opinion matters of course.

You could either ignore it or up the ante by sending her a Christmas card every year with only your name on it.

Depends if you think she's worth wasting a stamp on, really.

Emeraldshamrock · 12/12/2020 14:46

I'd send one back from both of you.
She probably blames you for him not returning a card. Grin

Camenon · 12/12/2020 14:46

If you/him sent a card to his ex MIL from both of you then you might have a point OP. Otherwise it doesn't matter.

HyacynthBucket · 12/12/2020 14:47

I have several old friends, going way back who do not know my DH, and send cards addressed just to me. That seems normal to me, and I do the same to them if I do not know their DH or DP. It would seem a bit phoney to me to address them jointly if I don't know them both.
For you though, OP, it depends on how well she knows you. Have you ever had a conversation? If so, and she ignores you when sending a cartd to your DH, it does seem strange. But not sure it counts as passive aggressive - what has she got to be aggressive about?

cookiesthatcrumble · 12/12/2020 14:48

It;s rude. You send a card you send it to the whole family. Particularly in a situaiton like you describe.

I am a second wife. DH's ex-wife MARRIED again before I even met DH. But his so-called best friend refuses to acknowledge me in any way. Even though we have been toigether 20 years. Every year we send his children (2) a cheque for £100.00 each. The cheque is written by me, and comes from my sole bank account (which we both use as a current account, but is in my sole name). But even so, the thank you cards are addressed to my DH only.

That fucks me right off.

SnoozyBoozy · 12/12/2020 14:48

Hmm, I'm on the fence here... On the one hand, I agree is is either PA or rude, however the fact that you don't ever send her one, being the grandmother of your husband's children, could be construed as equally rude. Perhaps her daughter and your DH used to send cards, but your DH stopped when they divorced, so in her mind she is sending one to him out of duty (as the father of her gkids) but she has no duty towards someone who has never sent her a card?

I would try sending a card back to her and include all your names and see what happens next year.

Zoecarter · 12/12/2020 14:50

To be honest i find it quite rude. I am quite passive aggressive too so I would probably get a moon pig card made with family photo on him you his kids your kids if you have any and sign it from the family x

LynetteScavo · 12/12/2020 14:51

It's weird and rude of her...but I'd definitely send a card back with from all of you....and a birthday card too. That makes it even more rude of her.

In fact I'd look out for an ex-mil card, I bet they make them Grin

liveitwell · 12/12/2020 14:52

I get what you're saying. But she doesn't know you at all. Presumably she liked her son-in-law and that's why she sends him a card.

Yes, usually you'd post to a couple but in this situation I think it would be more weird for her to include you, a random stranger who has replaced her daughter's role, than to just send to her former SIL.

So YABU.

lockdownalli · 12/12/2020 14:54

I don't think this is remotely weird. Are you saying your DH doesn't get any cards at all addressed just to him? What about you OP - don't you receive any cards addressed just to you?

Dahlietta · 12/12/2020 14:55

I think if anything is passive aggressive, it's sending him a card at all when she doesn't otherwise see or speak to him. I don't think it's that weird though not to address a card to someone's spouse if you have never met them and have no relationship with them. I might not, for example, address a colleague's card to their whole family if I don't know them and haven't met them, even if I do know their names.