Ex wife’s mother and her fucking card

[Nicholashaslosthisknickers]

Afternoon wise Mumsnetters,

This isn’t a huge issue but one I thought I’d seek your opinions on in a light hearted way.

If you’re married, living together and generally happy, do most people send Christmas cards to both of you?

Now I do appreciate it’s nice to receive a card in these days of round robin emails extolling the virtues of giving to charity instead of sending cards, just as I appreciate it’s entirely up to the sender who they address their card to.

In a show of enormous passive aggression my husband’s former MIL sends him a card to our home addressed just to him. Every.Single.Year. She knows my name, I am step mum to her grand children.

He never sends her one. Never speaks to her. Never sees her. We’ve been married for 3 years and together for 7. I wasn’t the reason her daughter and he split.

I am expecting a torrent of first wives to come down on me like a tonne of bricks with all the usual she’s fully entitled to send a card to who she wants, he was her SIL, etc. But why not just include my name?

AIBU? Really be kind, this isn’t a big deal, it won’t change the course of anything. I’m just interested if I’m being an over sensitive dick head over this because it’s really bloody annoying.

She should. But it isn't worth a second thought. And she may be guilty of nothing more than overthinking things..."Is it weird for me to send a card to my daughter's ex-husband and his new wife? What would DD think?" And trust me, even after years, you are "the new wife" to his ex's family.

LOL, one of my friends is actually on excellent term's with her DH's ex-inlaws, and they introduce her as "Micheal's new wife" after fifteen years of marriage.

Since you barely know her it may not be anything more than sending the card to the person she knows. I think you are being over sensitive. I really doubt she thinks, hmm, let me see if I can make his partner of the last seven years feel bad by omitting her. She probably doesn’t even remember you if she’s only seen you in passing. Of course there is a chance she’s being passive aggressive but probably just doing it out of habit. She may well have sent her daughter and her husband separate cards back in the day. And if it’s not that it’s really too small a thing to worry about.

I've been in this situation and believe you shouldn't put this down to malice in spite of what others on here say.
At the end of the day it's the children that are important in this, not you.

Ex MIL is sending cards because he's the father of her grandchildren and its preferable not to have any grief from him over access.

You need to keep all lines of communication open between all parties as much as possible as an example to the children. I personally found good comms handy during the tempestuous teen years, when the adults are working together to offer stability.
If you're feeling left out perhaps make an effort to send a card in response with wishes from both of you.

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest tbh. It's just a card from one person whether is passive aggressive or not. I would just bin it when it comes in if it bothers you

I'd just send her one back from all of you.
Just a thought, maybe she misses him as a sil?
It is annoying when people do things like that my in-laws blame me for the weather turning but rise above & ignore don't let it annoy you!

You think that's bad, my husband (after we had been together after his ex wife left him after 27yrs marriage to go to her lover who she subsequently married), received a letter from his ex MiL berating him for not inviting her to his wedding to me!

As long as he’s not replying, don’t worry. I’d just Chuck the card in the bin.

It's not weird, I'm not sure it's even passive, it's right out there angry.

You know who sends cards to you every year and who doesn't, she knows you're a family unit. She's angry and is burning up inside, but I wouldn't be the slightest bit concerned.

Meh, who cares, just throw it in the bin

She had a relationship with your husband, who was in her family for some number of years, whereas she barely knows you. I think it's a little odd, but nothing more than that. It's like someone from work giving you a card but not putting your husband's name on it -- it's nice if the lesser-known spouse's name is on the card, but I don't think it's a big deal if it isn't.

I'm a second wife too, and I wouldn't be bothered about this. I would be glad that the ex's parents want to have a cordial relationship with your DH, as it's nice for the children to see that.

Let it go. I'm sure it's irritating but it doesn't really matter.

My MIL has always put my name in Xmas cards BUT for years my OH didn't write my name is card for MIL this would be for birthdays or Christmas....we've been together for 19 years & he has only started doing it the last 5 yrs or so. His reason being is that she isn't my mum 🤷‍♀️

I'm surprised you've even noticed. You've never met her, she knows your name and that's probably about it. It's a Christmas card, not an invite to your step child's wedding. She probably sends hundreds and just quickly scribbles out the names from the same old list. Who cares?

Sounds rude to me. I'd be annoyed.

Thanks for all the replies, even those that consider me so very unimportant in the lives of my husband and stepchildren.

Clearly this is a case of a silly old woman who doesn’t have anything better to do than try and upset the person who quite regularly looks after her DGC, and quite well even if I say so myself.

I do have MH issues so it’s bothered me way more than it should but the card is in the bin and me, my DH and my DSC will have a wonderful Christmas. I hope she sees this and reflects on her bitterness and thinks better of it next year.

We get a card every year, addressed to both of us, from a woman my husband was engaged to over 50 years ago. Always has an OTT message for us. I've never met her. I find that a hell of a lot weirder than your husband exMIL sending him a card.

Well done you, for again showing your a bigger person. MH issues a lot of the time are worse then psysical (I definitely know, I've suffered a long time with both) but your response was brilliant. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and a Healthy, Happy New Year 🙏🏽✌🏽🤶🏽

@Wearywithteens

What about calling someone ‘bitter’ and a ‘silly old woman’ and putting a card in the bin says that the OP is a ‘bigger person’?

I'm bewildered too.

Being the bigger person would be putting the card up and being glad that the ex-MIL has the good grace to keep contact with her daughter's ex, instead of hating him.

My stepkids' maternal grandparents always include me on Xmas cards. They've been absolutely lovely to me right from the start.

Manners cost nothing. Your husband's ex-MiL knows he is not a single man. She is being very rude.

Agree that the OP is not exactly covering herself with glory with her latest posts. I do hope you are getting proper help for your mental health issues. It must be affect your whole family.

My family are thoughtful, Caring and well balanced unfortunately that can't be said for the two whom have responded with no thought or understanding as to what this poor lady (and others with MH issue) has had to go through for several years and our quite happy to give their opinion on the way you've be made to feel Inadequate. It might only be a few words on a card to the ignorant but I and many others understand what a stressful time christmas can be and it's not helped with this sort of behaviour. You can't educate ignorance as it's clear by their post.. Their a lost cause. And now I'm showing not educating as they simply can't be to ignore and be the Bigger person and enjoy my family.. To all who have been supportive enjoy the last weeks of the year and I hope you have a very happy, Compassionate, Christmas and New year. It is a shame though with a global pandemic and the lives that have been lost that you have people willing to put others down and pick on mental health shame on you

@cloverforever I'm not entirely sure why I'm not covering myself in glory? I'm just pointing out that this is an unnecessarily unkind thing to do.

Thanks for your comment on my MH. There are far bigger factors affecting it than this incident.

I would ignore the fact that it is only addressed to your dh and start sending her a card from all of you. Maybe she's annoyed she never gets a card back?

I was married before and then widowed. I married again (after living together for a while and having a child) and my OWN mother actually referred to our son as 'xxxxx's child' rather than by his name, or even by calling him 'your child'. As though he wasn't even mine. Mind you, she was a total cow. Took me a very long time to realise that the reason my sister was such a cow was that she took after my mother. Then it all became crystal clear.

Return to sender, address unknown every year until she gets the message 🤣