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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wife’s mother and her fucking card

374 replies

Nicholashaslosthisknickers · 12/12/2020 14:16

Afternoon wise Mumsnetters,

This isn’t a huge issue but one I thought I’d seek your opinions on in a light hearted way.

If you’re married, living together and generally happy, do most people send Christmas cards to both of you?

Now I do appreciate it’s nice to receive a card in these days of round robin emails extolling the virtues of giving to charity instead of sending cards, just as I appreciate it’s entirely up to the sender who they address their card to.

In a show of enormous passive aggression my husband’s former MIL sends him a card to our home addressed just to him. Every.Single.Year. She knows my name, I am step mum to her grand children.

He never sends her one. Never speaks to her. Never sees her. We’ve been married for 3 years and together for 7. I wasn’t the reason her daughter and he split.

I am expecting a torrent of first wives to come down on me like a tonne of bricks with all the usual she’s fully entitled to send a card to who she wants, he was her SIL, etc. But why not just include my name?

AIBU? Really be kind, this isn’t a big deal, it won’t change the course of anything. I’m just interested if I’m being an over sensitive dick head over this because it’s really bloody annoying.

OP posts:
nitsandwormsdodger · 12/12/2020 19:03

It would be nice to put your name as well
Are you sure she doesn't think of you as the scarlet woman?

She had a relationship with him for years and barely knows you so I'd not read too much into it if she is otherwise nice to you

Staffy1 · 12/12/2020 19:06

If i don't know the rest of the family the person lives with, I will put "and family" on the card. It's more weird that she doesn't include her grandchild in the card, if I have read correctly.

Staffy1 · 12/12/2020 19:08

No, I didn't read it correctly, it's that he never sends MIL one, not that MIL never sends her grandchild one.

altiara · 12/12/2020 19:09

Sounds rude to me.
But think as a previous poster said, looks more like a dig at DH. I mean she’s not mentioned her DGC. As if they only exist at their mothers house. So she’s acknowledging DH being alone with no kids (or wife).
I’d assume normal people going to this effort would just add ‘and family’.

UsernameChat · 12/12/2020 19:16

If she has form for being passive agressive, then it's not unreasonable for you to be annoyed. However, I voted YABU as she doesn't have any sort of relationship with you, but she did have one with your DH. Lots of people will send cards to the person they are friends with / close to, but not necessarily their other half, if they don't know them particularly well.

If it bugs you, just chuck the card in the recycling as soon as it arrives.

BackforGood · 12/12/2020 19:16

Well put Eckhart

How many other odd things does your DH have to do or not do in order to stop you from being upset? Your response to this is disproportionate.

.....and this ^ is spot on

OfficialLurker · 12/12/2020 19:19

Bin it & “medium chill” the situation. Don’t bother discussing it - every time you think of it have a lovely thought to bounce your mind onto. They’re either doing it unwittingly or knowingly to hurt you... either way they’re not worth time in your head.
We had something similar with my husband’s relatives. Our children all have 2 middle names with the second middle name for all of them being my family name. His relatives would send cards to the kids - addressed not to “first name, surname” or “all their names” just “first name, middle name 1, (omit middle name 2 - my middle name), surname”. What passive aggressive boll@cks. We just binned them (well after some raging from me!) and never mentioned it and they eventually stopped sending cards. No idea what it gave them doing that stupid stuff but it just made my husband feel like he wanted nothing to do with them!
I think it’s supposed to work by just upsetting you and causing friction when your DH doesn’t understand why you don’t find it upsetting... if you can, find a way not to give them the satisfaction.

atomicnotsoblonde · 12/12/2020 19:49

My exh's family send a Christmas card addressed only to our children. They are 8/10 and it upsets them so much that I am not included. It's just passive aggressive. I totally ignore it.

AliceMadHatter · 12/12/2020 20:31

@onlythepianoplayer

Do most men even send cards? None I know do and not many women do these days

Then they shouldn't be ranting about the people who do send them cards, if they don't have the manners to send one back.

It's a bit sad she keeps sending him cards when he doesn't send one back. She needs to move on. Hes not bothered about her.
KarmaStar · 12/12/2020 20:50

You're over thinking this.
It's not unusual to only name the person you know.
Get over it,it really is a non event.

saraclara · 12/12/2020 21:09

He is just someone her list because he is the father of her grandchildren. The fact that it gets ripped up and binned and he never reciprocates makes me think that you are the aggressive ones.

Yep. Ripping up a card because it would upset you? When there's absolutely no reason for you to be upset in the first place?

You both sound nuts, to be honest.

Ex-MIL still bothers to send him a card, even though he's split from her daughter. I'd say that's a positive rather than a negative. And why you think it's anything to do with you, OP, I really don't know. And for you to care enough that your DH has to destroy the card? That just boggles my mind.

Ibizafun · 12/12/2020 21:12

Trust me she knows exactly what she’s doing. My dh’s ex MIL sends an xmas card to both of us. Anything else is just spiteful and petty.

Eckhart · 12/12/2020 21:18

@Ibizafun

Trust me she knows exactly what she’s doing. My dh’s ex MIL sends an xmas card to both of us. Anything else is just spiteful and petty.
How can you be so confident of the motives of a complete stranger, when there are so many other opinions on the thread? What makes you so sure that your opinion is the right one? Just your own experience of your own ex MIL, or some greater wisdom?
LoveMyKidsAndCats · 12/12/2020 21:20

YABU for even caring.

maddening · 12/12/2020 21:36

Passive agreesively shred the card, drink a baileys and forget it.

Eckhart · 12/12/2020 21:41

@maddening

Passive agreesively shred the card, drink a baileys and forget it.
This is a good plan. The best way to deal with passive aggressiveness is to not notice it. And Baileys helps most things feel better.
SunshineCake · 12/12/2020 22:20

I have sent a card to W who is or will be divorced from DHs cousin and addressed it to her, her new partner and her kids and I've never ever met him Shock.

cloudrunner · 12/12/2020 22:29

OP, what shocks me isn't her card, it's that your husband never sees or speaks to his ex MIL, the grandmother of his children. Why? At least she's sending what may be an annual olive branch. Is there a reason for cutting her out of his life? You say they were perfectly civil.

Original poster
Nicholashaslosthisknickers · 12/12/2020 22:34

Why would he need to see her? She’s the mother of his ex wife. He. Has a civil relationship with his ex wife for the sake of the children. On the very rare occasions I’ve dropped off the children to ex MIL it’s because both parents were unable to due to work commitments and ex wife asked me to. He had children with her daughter it doesn’t mean he has to remain in contact with her. The opinions of some on here are extremely one sided and second marriages really are the lowest of the low.

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 12/12/2020 22:36

@Nicholashaslosthisknickers

Afternoon wise Mumsnetters,

This isn’t a huge issue but one I thought I’d seek your opinions on in a light hearted way.

If you’re married, living together and generally happy, do most people send Christmas cards to both of you?

Now I do appreciate it’s nice to receive a card in these days of round robin emails extolling the virtues of giving to charity instead of sending cards, just as I appreciate it’s entirely up to the sender who they address their card to.

In a show of enormous passive aggression my husband’s former MIL sends him a card to our home addressed just to him. Every.Single.Year. She knows my name, I am step mum to her grand children.

He never sends her one. Never speaks to her. Never sees her. We’ve been married for 3 years and together for 7. I wasn’t the reason her daughter and he split.

I am expecting a torrent of first wives to come down on me like a tonne of bricks with all the usual she’s fully entitled to send a card to who she wants, he was her SIL, etc. But why not just include my name?

AIBU? Really be kind, this isn’t a big deal, it won’t change the course of anything. I’m just interested if I’m being an over sensitive dick head over this because it’s really bloody annoying.

The card is probably just a formality for the children’s sake. If he doesn’t want it then he can put down return to sender and it should sort the issue out.
Original poster
Nicholashaslosthisknickers · 12/12/2020 22:37

The card was only addressed to DH. I would guess she sends cards to her DGC via their mother (her daughter) - the card doesn’t have my step children’s names on it.

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 12/12/2020 22:40

@Nicholashaslosthisknickers

The card was only addressed to DH. I would guess she sends cards to her DGC via their mother (her daughter) - the card doesn’t have my step children’s names on it.
It’s just a formality. Many people like to remember the father or mother of their grandchildren on Christmas with a card, even when they hate them. Just return to sender.
Original poster
Nicholashaslosthisknickers · 12/12/2020 22:41

In response to earlier question “what else does DH do to stop me being upset”? I’m not terminally upset? I don’t break down at every event that doesn’t go my way. He knows the card is unnecessary, causes me to be anxious about it so why not get rid of it? Simple thoughtfulness.

OP posts:
longestlurkerever · 12/12/2020 22:47

This does remind me of a fleeting dilemma I had over colleagues' cards. I've never met them but is it rude not to even acknowledge their experience? I ended up putting the partner's name if I happened to know it but didn't write "and family" where I didn't. Is that a massive faux pas? I think it's context specific but you might be overthinking this op. Could be social awkwardness rather than passive aggression and I wouldn't assume ill will from this alone

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 12/12/2020 22:52

@Nicholashaslosthisknickers

Because she’s gone to the effort of sending a card to our home?
She hasn't sent a card to your home, she's sent one to your husband. He's still an individual in his own right.

I'd be very pissed of if my DH was throwing his toys out of the cot because I got some cards just to me.

It's pretty petty if him. Not to send her a Christmas Card when she sends him one.

You seem well suited.