Ex wife’s mother and her fucking card

[Nicholashaslosthisknickers]

Afternoon wise Mumsnetters,

This isn’t a huge issue but one I thought I’d seek your opinions on in a light hearted way.

If you’re married, living together and generally happy, do most people send Christmas cards to both of you?

Now I do appreciate it’s nice to receive a card in these days of round robin emails extolling the virtues of giving to charity instead of sending cards, just as I appreciate it’s entirely up to the sender who they address their card to.

In a show of enormous passive aggression my husband’s former MIL sends him a card to our home addressed just to him. Every.Single.Year. She knows my name, I am step mum to her grand children.

He never sends her one. Never speaks to her. Never sees her. We’ve been married for 3 years and together for 7. I wasn’t the reason her daughter and he split.

I am expecting a torrent of first wives to come down on me like a tonne of bricks with all the usual she’s fully entitled to send a card to who she wants, he was her SIL, etc. But why not just include my name?

AIBU? Really be kind, this isn’t a big deal, it won’t change the course of anything. I’m just interested if I’m being an over sensitive dick head over this because it’s really bloody annoying.

Honestly I find this amazing. Too entertaining. Such a high level of pettiness it’s amazing

But seriously it is rude and impolite she’s doing it to make a point. One I think she has forgotten but still tries anyway. I find this rather entertaining. Honestly don’t worry about it. Maybe send a Christmas card back with the two of you on the front smiling? Oh please do will need an update!

It is rude.

My entire family include my boyfriend on christmas cards, even distant relatives like gran uncle/aunt etc will write to 'x , y and z' on the christmas card..

He had children with her daughter it doesn’t mean he has to remain in contact with her
My ex mil and I kept in contact. I knew her and saw her regularly in the years I was married to her son. She was a nice woman. We got on well and neither of us wanted to cut each other off. You can't just turn your back on your children's grandmother. Unless you dislike her for a good reason.

Unless one dislikes her for a good reason

I wouldn't worry about it.

She is sending him a card as he is the father of her grandchildren and probably wants to keep in touch on that basis. I think it is fine for one part of a couple to get cards that are just for them in this scenario. I don't think she is being passive aggressive.

It's a non issue to me.

I find putting a name on a card of someone you really don't know is a pointless tickbox exercise and has little to no value for me.

It would be manners to acknowledge. If they didn’t know the name they would put and family.
Plenty of people out there send cards to people they know but they haven’t met their other half but they have the manners to include them on the card because it’s kind of like card etiquette
Or if she couldn’t really bring herself to write the OPs name just put in the card......Merry Christmas to you all from really rude ex mil.
Or something to that effect.
I would be pissed someone was sending a card to MY home and not including me in it. OP has said she has met the ex mil so she does know her just not wanting to offer the season of good will.

I agree it's a bit odd.

My DH's ex MIL wrote a card to DH and DSC when DS was born congratulating them on their new arrival. At the time I had literally just given birth and it felt like I was just the vessel that didn't need acknowledging but it was only one out of all of the lovely cards we received with all of our names included.

It is slightly odd/unusual behaviour but even so I think you're the unreasonable one - unreasonable to give a rat's arse. It's a little odd that you care so much.

My ex FiL sent me a card every Christmas with £100 in it. He didn’t send anything to my DH, should I be upset?
I think you are getting concerned over nothing tbh.

It would piss me off too actually. My own mum would never do this to my brother's ex. If she is writing a card to him, and can't remember your name, she could write 'Dear John, hope you both have a lovely Christmas, from xx'. So kind of acknowledge you in that way.

@Dahlietta

I think if anything is passive aggressive, it's sending him a card at all when she doesn't otherwise see or speak to him. I don't think it's that weird though not to address a card to someone's spouse if you have never met them and have no relationship with them. I might not, for example, address a colleague's card to their whole family if I don't know them and haven't met them, even if I do know their names.

Isn't he the father of her grandchildren? If so, what's odd about sending him a card?

I agree, it seems like such a socially clueless (at best); passive aggressive (at worst) thing to do.

You send Christmas cards to the household.

If she can’t bring herself to write your name, surely ‘and family’ would do.

It seems so pointed and deliberate to me.

The main thing is, your DH obviously agrees she’s being a dick, so it’s really not worth getting upset by someone so clueless/petty.

I don't think it's weird. It would be nice to include you, but I don't think it's necessary. If you sent her a card then that would be different but you don't so she probably hasn't given it any thought.

So you don't send her a card but you expect her to send you one?

The card was only addressed to DH. I would guess she sends cards to her DGC via their mother (her daughter) - the card doesn’t have my step children’s names on it.

She should send the card to you all, including the children. Do the children ever see this card that she sends to their dad?

If he wasn't abusive and if he didn't cheat his former wife on child support or sale of the family home, then it's not nice of the MIL to send a card that suggests that he is a separate individual who is not quite a family member and has nothing to do with his children.

It sounds PA to me, but I would be more concerned about the impression the children might get of the standing of their dad if they were to see it. Maybe MIL thinks it's enough to send the card she sends, but I think she needs to at least include the children in her greeting.

It's rude that your husband doesn't send her a card when she continually sends him one. Why doesn't he send a card from all of you and then she might address it to all of you next year?

I have been with my partner for 15 years, she has just received a Christmas card from her cousin that I have never met, the card is addressed to her, 2 sons who don't live with us and the older sons husband, I find that is quite upsetting and feel it is a deliberate snub, but I should expect it the way I am treated by some of her family.

I get cards from my friends, just to me, not to me and my husband or to us as a family. I have never thought it was spiteful or hurtful. I think you’re looking for a reason to be annoyed

His ex MIL is not your family. He was part of her family though and she’d like to wish him a merry Xmas regardless of how things ended between her daughter and your now husband. Has nothing to do with you and in no way is a slight to you.

@MimiDaisy11

It's rude that your husband doesn't send her a card when she continually sends him one. Why doesn't he send a card from all of you and then she might address it to all of you next year?

Not everyone wants to send cards though. Everyone used to send them but as time goes on they are becoming less popular.

My DS who is now a teenager never wanted to send cards to his school friends. My DH has only ever sent his close family cards. I will probably send one to my Aunt who is not coming this Christmas and my elderly neighbour.

My Mum doesn't send my ex partner a card but if she did she would find out his partners name because she is not rude.

@Nicholashaslosthisknickers

I don’t send her a card because I don’t really know her, I don’t send many, parents and special friends. I’ve met her a handful of times, if I did I’d include her and her husband. I don’t want a card from her but I think it’s weird she sends one just to DH. If she’s going to the effort of sending a card just put both names on.

You’ve answered your own question. ‘ I don’t send her one as I don’t really know her’ Exactly!! She doesn’t put your name on card as she doesn’t really know you! How difficult to understand is this? Stop seeing a problem where it doesn’t exist

@ClaireP20

It would piss me off too actually. My own mum would never do this to my brother's ex. If she is writing a card to him, and can't remember your name, she could write 'Dear John, hope you both have a lovely Christmas, from xx'. So kind of acknowledge you in that way.

That would be lovely.

@ILoveYoga

I get cards from my friends, just to me, not to me and my husband or to us as a family. I have never thought it was spiteful or hurtful. I think you’re looking for a reason to be annoyed

His ex MIL is not your family. He was part of her family though and she’d like to wish him a merry Xmas regardless of how things ended between her daughter and your now husband. Has nothing to do with you and in no way is a slight to you.

Exactly. It's crystal clear to me that (absent any significant backstory) this is entirely reasonable on her part. That other people are so keen to spin it differently bewilders me.

@Nicholashaslosthisknickers

Because she’s gone to the effort of sending a card to our home?

So?

People are allowed to correspond with individuals.