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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt that DD secretly recorded me and DH isn't at all bothered?

370 replies

CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 10:27

I have a cold at the moment, which might be e clouding my judgement, so quite prepared to be told IAMBU. I hope I am!

DD, just turned thirteen, has been invited to join the county youth choir on Zoom for an informal Christmas singalong for an hour this afternoon. She loves singing, has lessons and is in the school choir, so this isn't out of her comfort zone.

She is very lazy in terms of any sociable activity (even when it's remote and online), so always needs a push. 99% of the time she leaves activities buzzing, asking when she can go again. Her older siblings have now flown the next, so it's good for her to interact with kids at the weekend.

I reminded her about the singalong today and she cried that she wasn't going to do it. Sulking, whining, welling-up. Totally OTT. I said that she'd committed to it, so she would do it. She stormed to her room.

I cooked tea etc. She then comes downstairs and begs me to cancel her attendance. I refuse, saying it's only an hour, she can do it from the comfort of the sofa, she enjoys thoroughly singing etc. I also readily compromised by saying that if she decided she hated it, a few minutes in, she could leave. I didn't like to say that, but this cold has blessed me with a thumping headache, and I just wanted to calm the situation.

I then realise, as her phone was open with screen alit, that she'd been recording me and Whatsapping it to her dad, who wasnt at home as he works overnight on Fridays. He was sympathising with her, but saying that she could calm down and try to help me out while I'm poorly.

So, AIBU to be appalled that DD secretly recorded me? AI also BU to think that DH should have told her off for such underhanded tactics?

This was yesterday evening and I'm still feeling hurt.

Thank you!

OP posts:
diddl · 12/12/2020 15:48

I think that that was an absolutely awful thing for her to do tbh.

I think that you should step right back from arranging stuff & leave it to her to do (or not) as she feels.

If she misses out then she starts to arrange stuff for herself.

PrivateD00r · 12/12/2020 15:57

I am with you op, I think it is a horrible thing to do. And so many posters claiming it is 'normal' are part of the problem, as to why DC record teachers and classmates covertly and post on SM to cause embarrassment. It is NOT ok and I am so glad my DC know this and don't think it is 'normal'.

I hope your DH is on the same page as you with this!

BrandyandDeath · 12/12/2020 16:01

I'd be furious with of them. It's both creepy and unethical to record people covertly and she could land herself in a lot of trouble if she pulls that shit outside the home.

billybagpuss · 12/12/2020 16:32

It would be interesting to see how different the responses to this would have been if the op had posted in Teenagers rather than AIBU

AlternativePerspective · 12/12/2020 16:37

It would be interesting to see how different the responses to this would have been if the op had posted in Teenagers rather than AIBU it will also be interesting to see the kinds of posts some of the posters on this thread are posting in teenagers a few years from now.

GrumpyHoonMain · 12/12/2020 16:42

I think it’s awful what she did and enough to warrant you taking the phone away.

YikesMusthaveusername · 12/12/2020 16:51

I can personally see that the OP is not allowing her dd any autonomy over her life. The OP dictates what she will do and when. The dd isn't allowed to seek support from her father either. This is viewed as manipulative and many on here would have her disciplined for seeking support. What you'll end up rearing is a depressed drone who doesn't know what she thinks as she hasn't been allowed to think.

Children must be taught how to think, not what to think.
-Margaret Mead

Do you want her to be a quiet submissive compliant idiot with no mind of her own? I'm rearing a very vocal teen - bit of an own goal, but it's what you do.

You have to be able to hear criticism. She is at an age where she is starting to form her own views. You've already pigeon-holed her as lazy. Someone else raised a really important point. Why is it ok for you to come onto a public internet forum and denigrate your daughter in the way that you have? Why is it not ok for her to ask her father for help when she's sobbing and crying?

YikesMusthaveusername · 12/12/2020 16:54

My DM told everyone that I LOVED debating. I can't actually tell you how much I hated it. I loathed it. But she knew best.....

billy1966 · 12/12/2020 16:54

OP,
I can imagine you were upset and furious.

Your daughter needs it explained to her in no uncertain terms that what she did was very wrong.

However, is your husband particularly dim?
Because I would be absolutely furious with him that HE thought this was ok.

What a twit.

Flowers
SecretSpAD · 12/12/2020 16:56

*Why does being recorded make you feel deep offence exactly?

If you are uncomfortable with your appearance on camera it’s due to your own insecurities, which isn’t really her fault*

How on earth can anyone defend this behaviour? No one has the right to film or record another person (of any age btw) without their permission. And certainly not in their own home and to use that recording as a tool to manipulate.

I feel your pain OP. I've got a sulky, whiny, lazy 14 year old here who also needs to have a rocket up her backside to do things that she knows she enjoys - but can't be arsed to do. Luckily she's never done what your daughter did to you and if she did then no more phone. No sympathy from dad. And definitely no pocket money for a while.

YikesMusthaveusername · 12/12/2020 16:57

I wonder why the dd decided this time to actually record what was happening? Have there been other incidents where she hasn't been believed? It doesn't sound like you believe a word out of her mouth. You know best what she likes. You know what's best for her. Do you ever actually listen to her? Tbh, I really didn't want to get involved in this discussion as it brings up painful memories for me. But I don't want to stand by when maybe something I say might save a child from a life with no dignity.

YikesMusthaveusername · 12/12/2020 17:03

Anyone remember this case? It was just this year. It was a black man recording as he knew he wouldn't be believed...

Recording things is the way of young people now. Rather than write things down, they'll take a photo of it. It's a digital age.

The more fundamental issues are that you're not allowing her autonomy. She must do what she is told to do. No room for equivocation. And then she's not allowed to confide (in the way which is most efficient) in her Dad?

ItRubsTheLotionOnItsSkin · 12/12/2020 17:05

Fuck me I thought OP was BU and shouldn't force the DD into the singing, but some of these OTT posts sound like they were written by teenagers themselves Hmm

Also:
"I'm rearing a very vocal teen - bit of an own goal, but it's what you do"
Please do tell more @YikesMusthaveusername. I'm interested in the "very vocal" ...

ItRubsTheLotionOnItsSkin · 12/12/2020 17:07

Oh and yes, telling your DD she must partake in a singing thing is a fair comparison to being a massive racist Hmm

So recording someone without their consent is the most efficient way of doing things? Have you taught your teen that?

NoddyWithAVoddy · 12/12/2020 17:12

Her phone would have gone in the bin and she would have been in her room for the rest of the day.
The phone wouldn't have been replaced either.

Mydogmylife · 12/12/2020 17:13

@YikesMusthaveusername

I wonder why the dd decided this time to actually record what was happening? Have there been other incidents where she hasn't been believed? It doesn't sound like you believe a word out of her mouth. You know best what she likes. You know what's best for her. Do you ever actually listen to her? Tbh, I really didn't want to get involved in this discussion as it brings up painful memories for me. But I don't want to stand by when maybe something I say might save a child from a life with no dignity.
Oh ffs!
suggestionsplease1 · 12/12/2020 17:14

The thing is, if someone is happy with how they're handling situations why would they be afraid of being recorded?

If they're happy with how they acted surely they just say to the one recording - I'm glad you recorded that so we have evidence of that unfolded and your Dad etc can see what happened.

I get other situations of invasions of privacy etc, but this is not the issue here is it?

YikesMusthaveusername · 12/12/2020 17:15

Would we have known about George Floyd if several people hadn't recorded it? I'd have no issue with my dc recording me - little fuckers probably have me on Tiktok! They don't feel the need to have evidence though as they were reared to express themselves. Yes, it makes for a lot of 'discussion', but they are confident and know that they have agency over their lives. I am not the authority.

Heartlantern2 · 12/12/2020 17:16

First rule- no pictures or videos are out on SM in this house without that persons consent- I even ask my kids when I want to put their photo on mine- she was out of order to do that, she was wrong.

You are also wrong for making her do the singalong when she told you she doesn’t want to- she was so desperate not to do it she filmed and sent it to her dad to try and persuade you not to make her! 13 is old enough to make little decisions like that on her own!

HeckyPeck · 12/12/2020 17:18

@CurtainWitcher

Great, thanks to the many sensible posters on here! I'm very glad lots of people think I've overreacted in feeling so hurt. I'm also buoyed by the fact that many agree that DH needs to show more solidarity!

To those so quick to label clinical anxiety, abuse etc, etc, you need to think a lot harder about what you're saying. I appreciate that your desire for drama can take over when you're online, but don't let this happen in 'the real world'. Lecture over.

Btw, the singalong has ended and, predictably, DD absolutely loved it. She didn't opt to bail out and has VOLUNTARILY signed-up for a new years eve singalong. I'm glad this has ended on a high note. Excuse the terrible pun. Smile

Shocker! It's almost as if you know your daughter better than the overdramatic ransoms!

Glad it ended well ☺️

YikesMusthaveusername · 12/12/2020 17:19

If you read between the lines, the 13 yo had to resort to begging, crying and pleading. She was not listened to. She was then forced into doing something she had strongly tried to state that she didn't want to do. How on earth is that 'good parenting'? What sort of character are you hoping to rear?

YikesMusthaveusername · 12/12/2020 17:20

Shocker - she knows her child better than the poor child knows herself.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 12/12/2020 17:24

@YikesMusthaveusername

If you read between the lines, the 13 yo had to resort to begging, crying and pleading. She was not listened to. She was then forced into doing something she had strongly tried to state that she didn't want to do. How on earth is that 'good parenting'? What sort of character are you hoping to rear?
If the mum resorted to recording her daughter crying etc. to share with the teacher to explain her absence, would that be ok too? Because... you know... George Floyd
AlternativePerspective · 12/12/2020 17:25

So again, how many of these OTT posters have teenagers? There’s a reason why teenagers are referred to as threenagers. they have the temper tantrums of a three year old but can do so more articulately, except they don’t have the maturity yet hence why they think they are grown up while still behaving like toddlers.

And also again, recording someone without their consent is illegal

And I would ask the dh if he would be perfectly happy for the DD to secretly record him when he doesn’t tell her what she wants to hear.

And all this “if you weren’t doing anything wrong” what bollocks.

AlternativePerspective · 12/12/2020 17:28

I suspect some of the responses on this thread will come up on one of those “what OTT responses have you seen” threads which pop up from time to time.

I also suspect a lot of posters on this thread are in for a very rude awakening when their children become teenagers.