Page 10 | To be hurt that DD secretly recorded me and DH isn't at all bothered?

Lachimolala · 12/12/2020 13:49

Christ what a ridiculous pile on of utter nonsense from some posters clearly hellbent in forcing OP and her daughter into their bizarre narratives.

@CurtainWitcher I can sympathise my eldest is exactly like your daughter and sometimes it has me on my actual knees with overwhelming exhaustion, I would handle this by removing the phone as a consequence firstly I would then be having a private conversation with DH regarding his actions and why he didn’t have your back and show solidarity instead of entertaining the divide and conquer approach lastly I would then be initiating a family meeting regarding boundaries, consent information online activities with technology and phones etc DD would have to earn her phone back.

I would also have told DD if she wants to cancel then she must do so herself or join in it’s her choice.

LadyOfTheImprovisedBath · 12/12/2020 13:49

I'd be very annoyed with DH for undermining my parenting behind my back as well and would have a calm talk about that and how to handle future such situations.

I'd also be taking phone away - that's a privilege that's been abuse so is lost for the moment.

As for the pushing - I have same problem as DougRossIsTheBoss knowing when the need a push to do something they'll enjoy and when to leave them.

I had an issue with DD1 at this age and GCSE that needed a voluntary placement.

DD1 couldn't get what she wanted but had an opportunity with a group she'd just left -and she was leaving it late to get it done the group leaders were doing her a massive favour and one of my younger children was in the group. She was messing everyone around but finally said she'd go on x date to group to talk it through - got there and she suddenly started crying. Sent younger child in – and tried to work out I fit was fake crying or anxiety – I think she though enough fuss and we’d help her get the placement she wanted but unfortunately, she’d have to be over 16. I offered to go in with her but in end put my foot down said she’s said she talk to them at this time and it would be rude to not honour that commitment. She went in – didn’t want me with her – and apparently fell to pieces crying and got in an awful state.

Everyone was really nice to her and told me off – forcing her to do something she didn’t want getting her into such a state – expect DH who pointed out it did get her to organise the placement – she trotted along the next week perfectly happy and got the thing done. I felt hugely guilty in way I handle it but didn’t see many other options epsailly as school wasn't being very informative or helpful about what would happen if she couldn't get a placement - they had temp teacher that term due to maternity leave and head of department/course was off long term sick.

She's older now and seems to be past this phase - able to organaise herself and deal with people and meetings - I'm now backup when she's getting no-where.

DS younger was happy I pushed him to apply for a scheme – he got a place and had several trips including abroad. Some thing weren’t as great as I hoped but overall he was glad he did it.

I’m not sure what I’d have done with the singing group TBH – though I’d have probably phoned DH or talked to him to get his view if possible, though maybe that makes me weak – don’t know.

Though I would be pushing back on them expecting me to entertain them at that age – perhaps I’m lucky there though as our kids do tend to have projects on the go or will read plus years of asking about homework and room tidying means they tend to approach me for entertainment as last resort.

Original poster

CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 13:52

Great, thanks to the many sensible posters on here! I'm very glad lots of people think I've overreacted in feeling so hurt. I'm also buoyed by the fact that many agree that DH needs to show more solidarity!

To those so quick to label clinical anxiety, abuse etc, etc, you need to think a lot harder about what you're saying. I appreciate that your desire for drama can take over when you're online, but don't let this happen in 'the real world'. Lecture over.

Btw, the singalong has ended and, predictably, DD absolutely loved it. She didn't opt to bail out and has VOLUNTARILY signed-up for a new years eve singalong. I'm glad this has ended on a high note. Excuse the terrible pun.

OP posts:

YikesMusthaveusername · 12/12/2020 13:52

DD, just turned thirteen, has been invited to join the county youth choir on Zoom for an informal Christmas singalong for an hour this afternoon. She loves singing, has lessons and is in the school choir, so this isn't out of her comfort zone. You later said that you got the email invite and TOLD her that she would be doing it whether she liked it or not.

She is very lazy in terms of any sociable activity (even when it's remote and online), so always needs a push. 99% of the time she leaves activities buzzing, asking when she can go again. You later say that she never does anything unless pushes. So is she buzzing asking to go again, or is she never wanting to do anything?

I reminded her about the singalong today and she cried that she wasn't going to do it. Sulking, whining, welling-up. Totally OTT. I said that she'd committed to it, so she would do it. She stormed to her room. I don't know where to start with this bit. The child is distressed enough to be in tears and you tell her that she WOULD be doing it? She had absolutely no choice in the matter?

She then comes downstairs and begs me to cancel her attendance. I refuse Who are you? Sergeant Major? She is begging you. What more did you want to realise that she didn't want to do it?

I also readily compromised by saying that if she decided she hated it, a few minutes in, she could leave. I didn't like to say that No, I suspect you didn't like not getting your way.

I then realise, as her phone was open with screen alit, that she'd been recording me and Whatsapping it to her dad, who wasnt at home as he works overnight on Fridays. He was sympathising with her, but saying that she could calm down and try to help me out while I'm poorly. She needed help and used the technology she was reared with. Kudos to her for asking for help. She clearly felt that she needed to show her Dad just what she was dealing with.

I won't even get on to your subsequent posts about her being whiney and lazy and the ream of other negative stuff you've said about her. People who are being abused or controlled or forced are entitled to record the perpetrators. You sound like a dictator wilfully ignoring her opinions. She's not two. You can't control her like this. Get used to it. She is starting to cut the apron strings. She'll want nothing to do with you very soon, so you'll have all the time you need.

YikesMusthaveusername · 12/12/2020 13:53

@CurtainWitcher

Great, thanks to the many sensible posters on here! I'm very glad lots of people think I've overreacted in feeling so hurt. I'm also buoyed by the fact that many agree that DH needs to show more solidarity!

To those so quick to label clinical anxiety, abuse etc, etc, you need to think a lot harder about what you're saying. I appreciate that your desire for drama can take over when you're online, but don't let this happen in 'the real world'. Lecture over.

Btw, the singalong has ended and, predictably, DD absolutely loved it. She didn't opt to bail out and has VOLUNTARILY signed-up for a new years eve singalong. I'm glad this has ended on a high note. Excuse the terrible pun.

Oh how wonderful. You're tone deaf to her so I doubt you're in a position to evaluate whether she enjoyed it or not.

Kaliorphic · 12/12/2020 13:54

* Erm, I’m probably young enough to be your child. Recording is absolutely normal for younger generations

Fortunately you're not my child. My children have better manners. Shame you don't. And not all young people think this is ok behaviour either.

billybagpuss · 12/12/2020 13:55

This thread is unreal.

Dh should have backed you up, although sympathy is often a good starting point to help someone calm down. It is not acceptable to record someone in the safety of their own home and if you make a commitment where people have invariably given up their time to organise a fun activity you honour it. Simple manners.

How did you handle it op?

Original poster

CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 13:56

Your snipe is amusing, YikesMusthaveausername. Must be horrible for you to see a happy ending.

OP posts:

YikesMusthaveusername · 12/12/2020 13:56

In an abusive situation in someone's own home, do you think it's appropriate to record the abuse?

berrygirlie · 12/12/2020 13:57

To those so quick to label clinical anxiety, abuse etc, etc, you need to think a lot harder about what you're saying. I appreciate that your desire for drama can take over when you're online, but don't let this happen in 'the real world'. Lecture over.

OK, OP. You're right, sulking, whining, welling-up ("Totally OTT" as you've put it) and crying over things you latterly enjoy don't have any bearing or semblance on a potential anxiety condition. Let's sweep that under the rug and we'll all just consider her "lazy, sulky and whiney".

YikesMusthaveusername · 12/12/2020 13:57

You mean happy to hear an abusive parent being smug? Yeah, real happy.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 12/12/2020 13:57

@YikesMusthaveusername

DD, just turned thirteen, has been invited to join the county youth choir on Zoom for an informal Christmas singalong for an hour this afternoon. She loves singing, has lessons and is in the school choir, so this isn't out of her comfort zone. You later said that you got the email invite and TOLD her that she would be doing it whether she liked it or not.

She is very lazy in terms of any sociable activity (even when it's remote and online), so always needs a push. 99% of the time she leaves activities buzzing, asking when she can go again. You later say that she never does anything unless pushes. So is she buzzing asking to go again, or is she never wanting to do anything?

I reminded her about the singalong today and she cried that she wasn't going to do it. Sulking, whining, welling-up. Totally OTT. I said that she'd committed to it, so she would do it. She stormed to her room. I don't know where to start with this bit. The child is distressed enough to be in tears and you tell her that she WOULD be doing it? She had absolutely no choice in the matter?

She then comes downstairs and begs me to cancel her attendance. I refuse Who are you? Sergeant Major? She is begging you. What more did you want to realise that she didn't want to do it?

I also readily compromised by saying that if she decided she hated it, a few minutes in, she could leave. I didn't like to say that No, I suspect you didn't like not getting your way.

I then realise, as her phone was open with screen alit, that she'd been recording me and Whatsapping it to her dad, who wasnt at home as he works overnight on Fridays. He was sympathising with her, but saying that she could calm down and try to help me out while I'm poorly. She needed help and used the technology she was reared with. Kudos to her for asking for help. She clearly felt that she needed to show her Dad just what she was dealing with.

I won't even get on to your subsequent posts about her being whiney and lazy and the ream of other negative stuff you've said about her. People who are being abused or controlled or forced are entitled to record the perpetrators. You sound like a dictator wilfully ignoring her opinions. She's not two. You can't control her like this. Get used to it. She is starting to cut the apron strings. She'll want nothing to do with you very soon, so you'll have all the time you need.

Ridiculous post from start to finish. Full of hyperbole and a clear inability to see that these situations/ feelings aren't mutually exclusive.

Besom · 12/12/2020 13:59

I have a whiny flopper of the same age and stage so I feel your pain OP. It's a difficult age isn't it and there are times when she does or says stuff that really hurts my feelings. We went to the shops yesterday and she spent the whole time rolling her eyes and saying sarcastic things to me. Filming is one thing - dd sometimes films me and makes silly gifs or whatever but the nature of what your dd did is not ethically right and you need to help her understand that. Maybe when you are feeling better and a bit removed.

DougRossIsTheBoss · 12/12/2020 14:02

Glad it ended well.
I can see that exact thing happening in our house too.

I think it does no favours to pander to last minute anxiety. Haven't we all had that experience of feeling anxious eg about a party then loving it when we get there?

I think I would have told DD it's her choice, it's a choice I don't agree with and will be letting others down but if she wants to make that choice then she can message the teacher herself. No lying eg about feeling ill either.

Then she would have decided messaging was worse then attending, gone and loved it. Positive life lesson learned that if you try new stuff it can be really rewarding.

So later on a quiet talk about the experience, boundaries etc. I would admit if I was wrong or didn't understand something and I apologise if I have lost my temper etc. I do not demand an apology from them but I encourage them to give one if they feel they should. Essentially I try to treat them as I'd like to be treated.

I would not remove the phone for this. I would remove it if there was a repeat after we had discussed it or a deliberate transgression of agreed rules/ lying.

LadyOfTheImprovisedBath · 12/12/2020 14:02

Btw, the singalong has ended and, predictably, DD absolutely loved it. She didn't opt to bail out and has VOLUNTARILY signed-up for a new years eve singalong. I'm glad this has ended on a high note. Excuse the terrible pun.

Thta's great news - and probaly obvious to you right form the start.

I have a parent who does this - has to be dragged along to things enjoys them and then miss a session and they'll make excuses why they can't go again - then bemoan that they don't do that anymore. It is untreated anxiety with them.

However I can be similar and in many case with me having made a commitment often the thing to get me through the door - so I'm reluctant to teach my children commitments don't matter.

CustardySergeant · 12/12/2020 14:04

Besom she didn't film. Audio only and sent to her father only. I don't think that is "not ethically right" when the child is so distressed. It is the same as appealing to her father if he was there in person.

Suzi888 · 12/12/2020 14:04

@Namerchanger42

Yes it’s not a nice thing to do, I’d be having a big family chat with you her & DH and a strong warning that if there’s ever a repeat there will be a technology ban as a punishment.

^ this YANBU

CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

YikesMusthaveusername · 12/12/2020 14:06

How about you post us a copy of the recording of you so that we can really see the truth? Was the ugly truth of hearing yourself a bit too much? No point talking to people like you. At least she has her Dad.

YikesMusthaveusername · 12/12/2020 14:08

Is that how you always handle disagreements? Personally attacking people?

berrygirlie · 12/12/2020 14:10

If you believe there are trolls on here, you should report. Trollhunting is also against the Talk Guidelines.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 12/12/2020 14:10

@YikesMusthaveusername

Is that how you always handle disagreements? Personally attacking people?

Hi pot, would you like to meet my kettle?

😂😂

Dobbyismyfavourite · 12/12/2020 14:12

I have a teenager who over the years has needed a gentle nudge to participate in activities which she has then really enjoyed so I understand OP.

From your title I was going to say your DD was totally in the wrong, however, as the person she was sending the video to was your DH and he dealt with the situation appropriately. I think the teenage years are tricky so perhaps when you are feeling a big better a chat about what is acceptable re filming and social media would be a good idea. If your DD had uploaded you to social media without your knowledge then you quite rightly could have been furious. Perhaps emphasis how would she would feel if videoed and then this was sent to someone. They do cover all this at school but a sensible discussion at home is a good idea, and regularly as they get older. I hope you feel better soon OP.

GoldfishParade · 12/12/2020 14:14

Its manipulative and deceitful and I would want to nip it in the bud

AlternativePerspective · 12/12/2020 14:17

Jesus Christ people are quick to shout “abuser” these days aren’t they?

As a matter of interest, how many of the posters on here who are flaming the OP have teenagers?

And again, recording someone without their knowledge or consent is illegal