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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt that DD secretly recorded me and DH isn't at all bothered?

370 replies

CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 10:27

I have a cold at the moment, which might be e clouding my judgement, so quite prepared to be told IAMBU. I hope I am!

DD, just turned thirteen, has been invited to join the county youth choir on Zoom for an informal Christmas singalong for an hour this afternoon. She loves singing, has lessons and is in the school choir, so this isn't out of her comfort zone.

She is very lazy in terms of any sociable activity (even when it's remote and online), so always needs a push. 99% of the time she leaves activities buzzing, asking when she can go again. Her older siblings have now flown the next, so it's good for her to interact with kids at the weekend.

I reminded her about the singalong today and she cried that she wasn't going to do it. Sulking, whining, welling-up. Totally OTT. I said that she'd committed to it, so she would do it. She stormed to her room.

I cooked tea etc. She then comes downstairs and begs me to cancel her attendance. I refuse, saying it's only an hour, she can do it from the comfort of the sofa, she enjoys thoroughly singing etc. I also readily compromised by saying that if she decided she hated it, a few minutes in, she could leave. I didn't like to say that, but this cold has blessed me with a thumping headache, and I just wanted to calm the situation.

I then realise, as her phone was open with screen alit, that she'd been recording me and Whatsapping it to her dad, who wasnt at home as he works overnight on Fridays. He was sympathising with her, but saying that she could calm down and try to help me out while I'm poorly.

So, AIBU to be appalled that DD secretly recorded me? AI also BU to think that DH should have told her off for such underhanded tactics?

This was yesterday evening and I'm still feeling hurt.

Thank you!

OP posts:
AcornAutumn · 12/12/2020 17:31

It’s appalling that she recorded you.

I’d not let her have the phone in front of you for a very long time.

If your husband knew this was happening that’s awful.

Strangedayindeed · 12/12/2020 17:32

Yeah shed be loosing her phone until Monday morning. That’s so disloyal from both of them. You and your DH should be a team, she’s playing you off each other.

Cam2020 · 12/12/2020 17:38

Nobody should be secretly recorded and that definitely warrants a conversation with your DD but I also suspect not feeling well has made you a bit more emotional than it might normally. Your DH was probably just trying to diffuse the situation.

Hope you feel better soon.

TicTacTwo · 12/12/2020 17:45

If you live in England you are warned that CCTV is monitoring the premises presumably because it's a potential invasion of privacy rather than everybody who reading that sign having bad intentions.

If someone was covertly recording me I'd assume that they were up to no good. I go to places where I know I'm being filmed eg shops or public transport but that's a choice I make knowing the facts.

My teenagers use voice notes rather than text sometimes and they warn me to be quiet for a few seconds if I don't want to be recorded and sent to their friends.

TidyDancer · 12/12/2020 17:45

I feel like I've stepped into a parallel universe on here sometimes. OP is abusive because she encouraged her DD to do an activity she knows she enjoys? Sure she is. 😂

Glad there's a happy ending OP. 😊

NameChangeUnwiseAdvice · 12/12/2020 17:48

My DD15 recently did this to me and DH when we were arguing with her over her appalling behaviour and she recorded us and sent it to her brother. I still feel really really really awful that she did it and DH still isnt speaking to her. It is horrible.

saraclara · 12/12/2020 17:48

@ragged

quite prepared to be told IAMBU. I hope I am!

Except OP wasn't so prepared to take criticism on the chin. Neither of those statements turned out to be true.

The OP was posting about her reaction to the recording. And she's accepted everything that people have said about that. She did not invite opinions about making her DD attend the event, so she's entitled to respond to the posts about that in any way she wants.
TicTacTwo · 12/12/2020 17:50

Your h's reaction is strange too. Does he not worry that he could be recorded and files forwarded to other people? Dd picked the files that she thought made you sound most unreasonable. If she wanted to stick the boot in she could have edited things to give a totally different impression.

Most people would feel violated and as a parent I'd worry about my children falling out with peers if they did this to them.

Signery · 12/12/2020 17:51

Yes, this situation is exactly same as the police killing George Floyd. Excellent comparison.

Fran1997 · 12/12/2020 17:54

Why even post if you're not willing to consider that you might be slightly in the wrong also. You just want people to agree with you. Stop saying you only make her do things you think she will enjoy and act like that's an excuse. Don't be surprised when she just withdraws from everything and you are no longer told about any activities she should join because she's just going to feel like you're going to make her join things. When I went to secondary school my parents allowed us the freedom to choose to join activities if we liked and if we signed up for something and changed our minds we can sort it out ourselves. I think it says more about your husband than your daughter that she feels it's worth sending him the video in the first place. She clearly feels confident that he will agree with her. Just give her the respect to decide if she wants to do something or not don't push her into things even if you think it's something she will enjoy I don't care if people think i sound dramatic but this is exactly how teenagers become isolated from their parents. Also a sing along on zoom sitting in the house by yourself sounds like a 13 year olds idea of hell. And your 13 year old asks to 'play' with you? Really? Do 13 year olds really 'play' anymore? All just sounds a bit like you aren't willing to see through a young teens perspective at all. My immediate reaction to this post was to feel for your daughter how can you expect her to respect your boundaries when you are just calling her over dramatic whiny and all the other things you've said? Maybe try treating her like a young woman not a young child and see the respect come back to you. Would you like to be pressured to join an adult choir because someone insists you will thoroughly enjoy it? I'd tell them to do one personally.

Lachimolala · 12/12/2020 17:56

@YikesMusthaveusername how can you have such an issue with @CurtainWitcher describing her daughter as whiny yet you’re happy to call yours ‘little fuckers’ you’re a sandwich short of a picnic love, times to pack it up stop ‘reading between the lines’ and take a big step back into reality instead of the fantasy land you seem to be stuck in.

Only in AIBU will posters add 2+2 and get green Hmm

BiBabbles · 12/12/2020 17:58

I'm glad it all ended well. I think it's difficult for others to judge on the begging front because for every child who does need that push to do something they'll love, there is a child who really needs an opportunity to find something else and can't because of a parent's idea of who they are and everything in between. My own teenagers are hard enough without trying to figure out anyone else's...

For the audio recordings, I'd have a conversation about privacy and ethics with your DD and DH but I wouldn't automatically hit the roof. She may have gotten the idea from somewhere and it may be a good idea to discuss the legal limits and your own family personal limits together. I've had a lot of talks with mine (one of mine is into photography and videography) that anything with their siblings in it doesn't go online. My personal limit on the audio recording thing is that it should have been played with the 'accused' (you) there to be able to discuss it, not sent to someone behind your back as was done here. I wouldn't like that, but I'm not automatically against recording. Others obviously have very different opinions, it's something to discuss and yes include how she would feel in it.

I have an app on my phone that records every call. Every quarter, I move the files from my phone to a folder on my computer at the same time I do for photos and videos. It's not the best audio quality, but it's helped in the past to be able to relisten to what someone has said. It's for my personal use and is perfectly legal to use it that way even if I don't tell other person (or automated voice) that they're being recorded. The legal issue comes in sharing it or business recordings (but I only do business by email).

CustardySergeant · 12/12/2020 17:59

Heartlantern2 "First rule- no pictures or videos are out on SM in this house without that persons consent- I even ask my kids when I want to put their photo on mine- she was out of order to do that, she was wrong."

She recorded audio only, so pictures and video have nothing to do with it. She didn't put it on SM but on a WhatsApp to her father.

mbosnz · 12/12/2020 18:00

I do not believe my daughters wouldn't be thoroughly upset if I recorded them without their knowledge and consent and sent that recording to someone else to try and get them 'on my side' in an argument.

That's why I wouldn't do that.

I do not believe your daughter wouldn't be very upset if you did that to her.

That's why she shouldn't do that.

In your own home, you have a reasonable expectation of privacy, People recording other people without their knowledge and consent, to use against them in some way, is understandably going to have a chilling effect on communication, and is highly likely to damage relationships. Your daughter needs to be made aware of this.

helpfulperson · 12/12/2020 18:01

Does your daughter know you've posted this on the internet?

NoddyWithAVoddy · 12/12/2020 18:10

@AlternativePerspective
My kids are now adults.
My youngest had a mobile at the age the ops daughter is. A flip up type one.
I overheard her moaning on it to one of her friends when I wouldn't allow her to do something.
When she called me a miserable cow, she was shocked when I stormed into the room and snapped the phone in half.
It was never replaced and she spent a month doing all the household chores instead of going out and enjoying herself with her friends.
She didn't make that mistake twice.
Not everyone on the thread have younger children.

Jenasaurus · 12/12/2020 18:12

If she felt that strongly about not going to the zoom choir thing that she recorded you, I think she really doesnt want to go and if you think about it, you dont want to be recorded, and thats your choice, she doesnt want to attend the zoom choir and that also seems to be your choice, its a little unfair on a teen i think how she spends her free time.

ktp100 · 12/12/2020 18:16

She needs to carry out things she's signed up to.

She needs a punishment for recording you.

DH needs to grow a backbone and show a better united front with you in relation to DD.

I'd be making DH take her phone off her for at least a few days.

AcornAutumn · 12/12/2020 18:20

@helpfulperson

Does your daughter know you've posted this on the internet?
Given what daughter has done, it’s not like she’d complain about it!
IJustWantSomeBees · 12/12/2020 18:20

Glad to hear of the happy ending OP, as a pp said, it's almost as if you know your daughter better than random mnetters! Who would have thought?

I want to bring attention to my original comment again as I think it's really important (especially in light of some of these worrying responses claiming that there's nothing wrong with secretly recording/filming others):

Your dd must be taught how wrong her behaviour has been, not just so that she doesn't do it again but so that she knows how completely unacceptable it would be if someone did this to her. It is NOT normal for people to have to go through their entire lives with the fear that any move they make will be caught on film, she needs to know that if someone films/records her then she should tell you/an authority figure who can help her. Too many young girls get filmed by boys these days without their knowledge and it ruins lives; this must not be normalised.

LouiseTrees · 12/12/2020 18:21

@CurtainWitcher

I do play with her. All the time.
Tell her you won’t from now on because you haven’t received a proper heartfelt apology and that her under hand tactics of recording without consent have massively backfired and that she’ll need to do a lot to get back in your good books
AcornAutumn · 12/12/2020 18:22

BiBabbles “ I have an app on my phone that records every call”

So all your calls with friends are recorded?

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 12/12/2020 18:37

Extremely sneaky, manipulative behaviour and I would be having strong words about boundaries and expectations of privacy in ones own home. If she doesn't get that then I'm sure there are many ways in which you could impinge on her privacy to show her how it feels...

Serin · 12/12/2020 18:37

"I only make her do things I think she will enjoy".
That really isnt a good lesson to teach a young teen girl.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 12/12/2020 18:42

Ah just read the updates. Glad it had a happy ending! Although I would still be taking that phone away if there was anymore recording malarkey! Can't be responsible with the phone and not covertly record folk against their will, then she won't get a phone kind of thing...