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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt that DD secretly recorded me and DH isn't at all bothered?

370 replies

CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 10:27

I have a cold at the moment, which might be e clouding my judgement, so quite prepared to be told IAMBU. I hope I am!

DD, just turned thirteen, has been invited to join the county youth choir on Zoom for an informal Christmas singalong for an hour this afternoon. She loves singing, has lessons and is in the school choir, so this isn't out of her comfort zone.

She is very lazy in terms of any sociable activity (even when it's remote and online), so always needs a push. 99% of the time she leaves activities buzzing, asking when she can go again. Her older siblings have now flown the next, so it's good for her to interact with kids at the weekend.

I reminded her about the singalong today and she cried that she wasn't going to do it. Sulking, whining, welling-up. Totally OTT. I said that she'd committed to it, so she would do it. She stormed to her room.

I cooked tea etc. She then comes downstairs and begs me to cancel her attendance. I refuse, saying it's only an hour, she can do it from the comfort of the sofa, she enjoys thoroughly singing etc. I also readily compromised by saying that if she decided she hated it, a few minutes in, she could leave. I didn't like to say that, but this cold has blessed me with a thumping headache, and I just wanted to calm the situation.

I then realise, as her phone was open with screen alit, that she'd been recording me and Whatsapping it to her dad, who wasnt at home as he works overnight on Fridays. He was sympathising with her, but saying that she could calm down and try to help me out while I'm poorly.

So, AIBU to be appalled that DD secretly recorded me? AI also BU to think that DH should have told her off for such underhanded tactics?

This was yesterday evening and I'm still feeling hurt.

Thank you!

OP posts:
LadyOfTheImprovisedBath · 12/12/2020 14:21

Its manipulative and deceitful and I would want to nip it in the bud

I think that too and that's why I'd be taking the phone and then having a series of conversations abouappropriate beahvior iwith tech in the home before it was returned - but the OP knows her household best and what works in mine might not be best in hers.

ragged · 12/12/2020 14:22

quite prepared to be told IAMBU. I hope I am!

Except OP wasn't so prepared to take criticism on the chin. Neither of those statements turned out to be true.

DrDavidBanner · 12/12/2020 14:23

Glad things went well OP and that your daughter enjoyed herself.

I noticed that you are receiving a lot of personal attacks on here which unfortunately is par for the course when it comes to threads asking advice about their teens. Lots of projection.

You might want to hide this thread or ask for it to be taken down. I don't think you're going to get anything else from the thread now.

In future go over to Teenagers board when you'll get lots of support and understanding. [Smile]

Mydogmylife · 12/12/2020 14:26

@CaptainCabinets

The recording issue is getting twisted here I think. It would be entirely unacceptable if your DD was recording you to upload online, or send to friends etc, but she was sending it to her dad so she could prove to him that she was being coerced into doing something she doesn’t want to do. Clearly she feels bullied by you and she wanted backup/help from her other parent, which she was unable to do in person as he is working away. It’s not difficult to understand why she did it.
See, I see this differently. I think was using the recording ( which she should never have made) to get her dad on side in a rather manipulative way using the ever popular 'it's not faaaaiiiir/ I don't want to' argument so popular with that age group
hotchocc · 12/12/2020 14:27

I think you need to understand that what you are describing isn't 'encouraging' it's forcing.
She shouldn't record you, just have a discussion as to why you are hurt and about boundaries, you shouldn't record her either without permission

Original poster
CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 14:28

Thanks DrDavidBanner, but I think this has helped me gain perspective on the situation.

The personal attacks involving words like "abuse" are based on nonsense, so I really don't take any heed of these.

OP posts:
Iwouldlikesomecake · 12/12/2020 14:30

I think you did the right thing on all counts.

We were always taught the law of consequences- if we said we wanted to do something and then changed our minds we had to tell the person. If telling the person in charge was worse than just doing the thing we would invariably do it and either enjoy it, or not- and learn the lesson of not agreeing to stuff we didn’t really want to do.

Mumsnet is full of threads of people saying ‘I said I’d do X but I don’t really want to’ or being scared to do anything new or have any resilience to anything. Is this the product of parents who never encouraged their children to do anything or said it was fine if they let people down or pulled out at the last minute? Did their parents always clean up their mess for them- do the phoning up and apologising?

It’s not ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ to learn a lesson that if you commit to something that there are consequences if you then don’t follow through. Whether that’s letting people down who will be disappointed or cross, or losing money (which you can’t really grasp as a very young child but you definitely can as a teenager or young adult).

oakleaffy · 12/12/2020 14:31

@CurtainWitcher How would your DD like YOU to be recording her when she is in a mardy sulky mood, for you to share it online?
Bet she’d see your point then!

Lachimolala · 12/12/2020 14:32

Is that how you always handle disagreements? Personally attacking people?

Emulating you then is she? Good grief Hmm

Iwouldlikesomecake · 12/12/2020 14:33

As for the filming I like the idea of saying ‘how would you feel if I filmed you having a stress about something and then sent it to your dad as ‘ammunition’ to prove a point? It would feel quite horrible wouldn’t it. Like you couldn’t be free to express your feelings in case it was captured and shared’.

pickingdaisies · 12/12/2020 14:38

@slipperywhensparticus

Recording someone with out theìr consent is illegal she needs to be reminded of this

Let her cancel choir "play with me" would be met with a firm no she is 13 not 3 i think you have done a bit of an own goal here by organising her she can not organise herself a bit of tough love will either have her organising herself or flopping on the furniture I suggest ignore the flopping turn up your music and get on with your day

This. She absolutely should not be recording without consent, and the number of people here who think it's ok is worrying. But, stop organising her life. Maybe she's fed up of the lack of control, maybe she isn't comfortable with all the zoom stuff - plenty of people find it excruciating. A zoom singalong is nothing like a choir meeting. It's you in a room on your own singing. Not great if you're at all self-conscious. Make suggestions for sure, remind her of her obligations if she's made a commitment, but then it's up to her. And don't play with her. Leave her to be bored, and she will have to sort herself out, unless you think she's suffering from depression, in which case take her to the GP.
Unicant · 12/12/2020 14:38

Idve gone ballistic. Secretly recording people is grim. She needs to understand that. You need to have a conversation about how she woukd feel if someone did that to her and the impact it would have on her trust and ability to express herself in her own home. I think you also need to have a word with her dad about him also backing that up... its a really awful thing to do to someone it makes my skin crawl.. my children would be regretting the day they were born if they ever secretly recorded anyone (apart from in circumstances of genuine abuse obv)

ItRubsTheLotionOnItsSkin · 12/12/2020 14:40

You know that if you have a thread which garners opinions and discussion to the point it's ignored that DH isn't self isolating whilst you are waiting for CV test results, it's a divisive one!

I'm not quite clear though; this discussion and the recordings were yesterday. But the singalong has now just finished so it took place whilst you were on this thread?

CustardySergeant · 12/12/2020 14:41

Iwouldlikesomecake There was no filming!

OP I think your daughter would feel very distressed and betrayed if she knew how you have described her and how you feel about her to strangers on the internet.

ItRubsTheLotionOnItsSkin · 12/12/2020 14:41

Is your DH home to have had a discussion about it curtain, as I think he is very U not to have backed you up and told your DD her behaviour was unacceptable.

MaryLeeOnHigh · 12/12/2020 14:42

Your DH really should have refused to have anything to do with this. If she can't use her phone responsibly, it needs to disappear for a few months.

Original poster
CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 14:42

Btw, the recordings revealed nothing except the fact that I was reassuring her that she could do it from the sofa and could opt-out after "a few minutes" if she wasn't enjoying it. At the end of the recording I said that we have an episode of His Dark Materials to watch that we recorded earlier in the week. It really wasn't damning evidence of a harsh and abusive mother. 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 14:43

?

OP posts:
Original poster
CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 14:44

To all of ItRubs' points

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 12/12/2020 14:44

OP, I suspect the posters who are throwing the “abuser” tag around don’t have teenagers or are the type who believe that e.g. parents should never involve themselves in their teenagers’ lives, be privy to what they do online etc because it is a breach of their trust and it’s not ok.

The posters who don’t yet have teenagers are in for a hell of a shock. I remember when DS was a toddler and someone said “well teenagers do have tantrums,” I replied “ah, but at least when he’s a teenager I can just go out and leave him.” Oh yes. So easy it was when he became a teenager 😱

FWIW he’s eighteen now, and I asked him at lunchtime about recording someone to play them off against someone else, and he said “well, quite apart from the fact it’s against the law, it’s just not on anyway.”

And to the posters saying “it was only her dad she sent the recording to,” do you really think this is the only recording she’s ever made? I would bet money that it isn’t.

And what if the OP hadn’t seen the screen? Would either she or the DH have told her she’d been recorded? How would that have played out? I would be wanting to know just how often she had recorded your interactions, and I would ask the DH the same question but separately from her.

PurpleWave · 12/12/2020 14:56

AlternativePerspective I completely agree with everything you've said on this thread.

GabriellaMontez · 12/12/2020 14:59

I refuse, saying it's only an hour..., ... I also readily compromised by saying that if she decided she hated it, a few minutes in, she could leave.

I go through this with dd every Friday. Every week she loves it.

LaceyBetty · 12/12/2020 15:14

I also really don't understand where the OP has said bad things about her daughter indicating she doesn't like her? I make it known when I think my kids are being lazy, whiny etc. Doesn't mean I don't love them.

Original poster
CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 15:24

I know, LaceyBetty. Drama ignoramuses don't let reality get in their way though. 😂

OP posts:
TicTacTwo · 12/12/2020 15:42

Btw, the singalong has ended and, predictably, DD absolutely loved it. She didn't opt to bail out and has VOLUNTARILY signed-up for a new years eve singalong. I'm glad this has ended on a high note. Excuse the terrible pun.

Now it's over can she explain why she reacted the way she did? I understand that the thought of doing something knew can be daunting.
Have you told her what she thinks you should do if she reacts like this on New Year's Eve? How will she deal with feeing panicked on NYE or is she pretty confident that she won't feel like that because she knows more about the group and session?