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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unhappy with daughters ex bf

246 replies

Littlemissgrump · 12/12/2020 01:24

My daughters ex BF is staying with us atm due to both his parents having Covid. He’s in his first year of Uni and has suddenly gone from being a lovely kind fun guy to a party animal. The problem is my elderly mother lives with me and since being here he is out till all hours despite telling me he’s meeting a friend and will be back at 11. My daughter doesn’t want me to cause a fuss ( they parted on very good terms) but I think he’s taking the p* quite frankly.
Tonight it’s already almost 1:30am, I’ve no idea where he is or when he’ll be back! AIBU to ask his parents to talk to him?
My daughter thinks we should just let him do his own thing, but I have my Mother to consider?

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 12/12/2020 10:59

What you are doing is prioritising him over your elderly, vulnerable mother.

Perhaps what you need to do is say that out loud and let it hit you. I am putting my daughter's ex boyfriend over my vulnerable mother.

Then ask yourself if that really is the choice you want to make.

I'm guessing not.

thetoughhaveleft · 12/12/2020 11:02

Honestly OP, don't even let him back in your house. There is every chance that he could have been in contact with an infected person and letting him through your door is risking your own family. Bags on the doorstep (don't waste your energy delivering them anywhere for this grown man) and a text to tell him so.

Aquicknamechange2019 · 12/12/2020 11:03

Time for him to go, OP. He has taken the piss massively. Your mum comes first.

CircleofWillis · 12/12/2020 11:04

@SeaToSki

Pack his bags, drop them off on his Mum’s doorstep. Text him and let him know to go there when he finally sobers up.

Let his Mum know that he will be telling her what happened as he is an adult and should take responsibility, but that if she has any questions subsequently, she should give you a call

Absolutely agree with this! Even without covid I would be doing this as he has no respect for the household he is visiting.
MadinMarch · 12/12/2020 11:10

You are in tier 2 area at high risk of going into a tier 3 and he is mixing indoors with others which is illegal; they are not in a uni bubble, they have left the university now and are each mixing outside of that with others!. You would be absolutely insane to allow him back in your house putting you all and in particular your elderly mum at great risk. Assuming you haven’t let him back in already, I would be texting and saying that you can’t allow him back in the house and he’ll have to arrange a B and B.

This. By the bucket load!
Text him now so he has the opportunity to arrange an alternative place bofore he turns up on your doorstep expecting to be let in.
He's a CF!

soschreibfaul · 12/12/2020 11:23

If his parents know that your elderly mother lives with you then they're just as bad as he is.

The whole situation, if true, is idiotic.

coconutpie · 12/12/2020 11:25

You need to grow a backbone and to show your DD that you shouldn't be a doormat. There is no way this man should even set foot inside your front door now since he has put himself and you all at risk by his actions.

pickingdaisies · 12/12/2020 11:31

Well, he can go home to parents and practise a little social distancing.

pickingdaisies · 12/12/2020 11:33

Oh, and when he looks at you and your daughter, he sees "mug" on your foreheads

MintyMabel · 12/12/2020 11:36

his parents didn’t want him to risk becoming infected.

But are happy to risk your mum being at risk?

Why anyone would agree to this is beyond me. Kick him out, he isn’t your problem.

DianaT1969 · 12/12/2020 11:37

I hope you have texted him that he won't be able to come into the house. Ask him to let you know 10 mins before he arrives, so that you can have his things outside.
Do not risk you mother again.

ohwhatamiserableyear · 12/12/2020 11:39

So he's staying at yours to avoid catching covid from his parents and so he can continue socialising and partying ... and putting your family at risk.

Tell him to go stay in a motel room or bedsit. And tell his parents why.

Ginfordinner · 12/12/2020 11:42

So he's staying at yours to avoid catching covid from his parents and so he can continue socialising and partying

And risk catching covid while out partying instead Hmm
Thoughtless, selfish and self entitled IMO

BanditoShipman · 12/12/2020 11:48

@diddl

"Eh, did you mean to be so rude?"

GrinGrin

That really does sound stupid when used, doesn't it?

What was rude?

I was going to type exactly this but you beat me to it!

Yes it sounds stupid and the poster wasn’t rude!

WiddlinDiddlin · 12/12/2020 11:56

I'd talk to his parents first, and then say the exact same to him when he reappears...

Recap why he was staying with you in the first place and why he is no longer welcome to stay with you now - do NOT leave him any room for confusion or misunderstanding as to why he is no longer welcome, or he will learn nothing from this and not understand its as a result of his own behaviour.

LindaEllen · 12/12/2020 12:05

I think you've been really nice to let him stay with you, but if I was staying in someone else's house at the moment I would NOT be out socialising. I would stick to essential activities only, out of respect for the other people in the house - particularly if there was a vulnerable person!

1WildPartridgeInAPearTree · 12/12/2020 12:06

He is a risk to you and your family op - he should not be allowed back into your house if you want your family to be safe.

He has broken the rules - and taken a risk, which as an adult is something he can make a choice about... but he can't make it on your behalf. His parents are probably obliged to take him in despite the risk. (That is the joy of being family!)

Worrying about him at 4am is something you need to have a think about. Presumably you didn't worry each night when he was at uni? He might have been out at 4am every night.

Original poster
Littlemissgrump · 12/12/2020 12:35

Ok so here’s the update!
He was too drunk anyway to make it home last night and has stayed at the air bnb.
The rules on Covid isolation will change so he can leave here on Monday.
So I’ve suggested he stay at the Air bnb and his parents can collect his things from here on Monday night!
I haven’t said anything about what happened and how it came about , I’ve just said he had chosen to stay with his friends, so they can ask him what he’s doing at the air bnb. He can tell them whatever BS he wants.
Bizarrely his parents seem to think it’s ok he is with “Uni friends” which isn’t right as they also have his grandmother staying with them next week but as you all say that’s not my problem or priority.
I did speak to him on the phone this morning and pretty much said everything that has been stated on here . He did apologise but in all honesty he won’t change his ways.

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 12/12/2020 12:44

He was too drunk anyway to make it home last night and has stayed at the air bnb

Hmm. I'm not sure I believe that. Maybe he got lucky last night. I'm not convinced he found an airbnb that late at night TBH.

GabsAlot · 12/12/2020 12:49

no such th8ing as a uni bubble outside of uni theyre all staying seprately so they'll be spreading it further

no wonder cases go up when people cant even read rules properly

sparticuscaticus · 12/12/2020 12:57

That's good OP

Stay strong, that he can't return /enter your house. Have his belongings packed by the door, so no excuse to come in.

As Tier 2 or Tier 3, he's stayed over (& met up inside) with people out of household and that's that. You offered him safe place to stay, he took the piss and intends to expose you all to increased risk by his magical thinking that COVID doesn't exist for students outside uni lockdowns. Put your mum, yourself snd daughter first. He blew his chance to return to your house. He will find somewhere else to stay. His uni friends parents are idiots too, as well as his if they can't see difference.

He could have stayed at uni longer, some of my sons uni friends are.

forrestgreen · 12/12/2020 13:17

You're doing right not accepting him back. Hoping that's clear to them all.

Frownette · 12/12/2020 13:20

He sounds like the 'golden boy' to his family to be treated indulgently.

Oh well, hope he hasn't caught it/passes it on to anyone.

DrDavidBanner · 12/12/2020 13:23

Stay strong OP, I feel more heartened after reading your last post. How are you today?

I also want to say, (and don't take this the wrong way because I am the same as you). You and your daughter are too nice for your own good! A piss taker can spot that at twenty paces and IME there is no piss taker like a boy in his late teens. They tend to be total self absorbed and don't really think about cause and effect.

I think the next step is for your DD to start extricating herself from this friendship, I'm sure he's a lot of fun, but for a young woman the world is full of entertaining young men (who don't take advantage of her kindness) and at this stage I think the ex is just happy to put on the both of you while you allow it.

Figgygal · 12/12/2020 13:27

Yup he’s Absolutely taking the piss though I do think you’ve let yourself be taken a lend of staying up until after four in the morning he’s a grown adult and not your responsibility

Honestly I think you’re right kick his arse out he can stay with his friends until Monday and I hope his parents have a proper word with him about respect