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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unhappy with daughters ex bf

246 replies

Littlemissgrump · 12/12/2020 01:24

My daughters ex BF is staying with us atm due to both his parents having Covid. He’s in his first year of Uni and has suddenly gone from being a lovely kind fun guy to a party animal. The problem is my elderly mother lives with me and since being here he is out till all hours despite telling me he’s meeting a friend and will be back at 11. My daughter doesn’t want me to cause a fuss ( they parted on very good terms) but I think he’s taking the p* quite frankly.
Tonight it’s already almost 1:30am, I’ve no idea where he is or when he’ll be back! AIBU to ask his parents to talk to him?
My daughter thinks we should just let him do his own thing, but I have my Mother to consider?

OP posts:
Lalliella · 12/12/2020 09:47

I really hope you didn’t let him back in the house OP. Why would you risk your poor mum’s life for this thoughtless twat?

PurplePanda7 · 12/12/2020 09:49

If his parents are isolating then the university would’ve allowed him to stay in his accommodation for another two weeks. Text his mum and explain that her son is putting your elderly mum at risk. Also explain it’s not fair that her son is asking you to stay up late so you can ferry him to and from the train station. Ask this man (he’s an adult) to move back to his parents.

It’s also not fair on your DD. She might think there’s a chance they’ll get back together when he’s actually going on nights out without her.

madcatladyforever · 12/12/2020 09:51

Chucking him out right now with his stuff on the doorstep will teach him a valuable life lesson about being completely selfish and taking the piss.
Make sure you tell him he's put you all at risk and you are furious.

Hellotheresweet · 12/12/2020 09:54

Op

What kind of example are you setting your daughter?!

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 12/12/2020 09:54

Will let you know what happens later.

I hope you don't mean by that that you're going to do nothing and just wait and see what he does next?

Hope the next update includes your firm message to him that he cannot now enter your house again and will need to make other arrangements.

Cheeseboardandmincepies · 12/12/2020 09:54

This is insane. He’ll end up bringing covid back into your house. Kick him out OP, think of your mother. Confused

Chickychickydodah · 12/12/2020 09:56

I think you are a mug, pack his bags !
The students in my area are the cause of tier 3 restrictions and are constantly breaking the rules because of their selfishness.
Don’t risk your own health .

WilsonMilson · 12/12/2020 09:57

Ffs get a backbone. He’s taking the utter piss here, tell him he either behaves or he’s out, but given his current form I’d be making the decision for him and packing his bag. Stop being treated like shit!

autumnboys · 12/12/2020 09:58

Put him and his things in a taxi and send him home. If he was at all worried about catching COVID he wouldn’t be behaving like this.

BefuddledPerson · 12/12/2020 10:00

@Camenon

I'd be up very early and packing his stuff, there's no way he'd be coming back into my home. His parents are at no risk from him, he can go home and isolate in his room. If they are decent people they will feel really bad that he has put you all at risk after you've been so accommodating.
This. I wouldn't put up with it. Your daughter is being a doormat but you don't have to be one too.
Chambored · 12/12/2020 10:01

@Littlemissgrump

I appreciate everyone’s response, agree I think I have been taken for a mug. Absolutely wouldn’t let my daughter behave this way. Will let you know what happens later. He’s supposed to leave here until Thursday morning.
What happens later should be in response to the text message you send him, saying due to his actions last night he cannot return to your house, you have taken his stuff to his parents and he will have to return there. If he needs it spelling out more clearly - you are not prepared to put your elderly mother at risk due to his desire to go out on the lash.
5zeds · 12/12/2020 10:06

Just take his stuff to his parents and tell him it’s there. They can deal with it. Don’t have him back in the house with your Mum, it would just be silly. He’ll be fine, you both had very different ideas about what was ok.

Redburnett · 12/12/2020 10:07

Send him home to his own parents.

Schoolchoicesucks · 12/12/2020 10:07

How is he in a bubble with 4 others? If he is living with you, he is not a single adult household and so can't form a bubble with others. Are they from his uni bubble? That closed when he moved out and formed a new household with you.

OP, he is an adult, he is breaking tier 2 rules and you live with a vulnerable adult who you need to protect. He is at very little risk of serious illness if he went to stay with his parents. In fact, he would probably be helpful to them and as an adult should be perfectly capable of distancing from them. Yes it would screw up his social life for 10 days.

You are risking your mother's health to preserve 10 days of a 20 year old's social life.

Drop his stuff off on his parents doorstep.

billy1966 · 12/12/2020 10:09

Unbelievable that you would tolerate this and put your family at risk for an extremely stupid selfish young man.

Pack up his things and do not allow him back into the house.

Tell his parents straight that doing them a favour is one thing, your mother being put at risk is quite another!
Flowers

Lemonyfuckit · 12/12/2020 10:11

OP this is complete madness.
A) - if Covid weren't a thing I would say why on Earth are you letting him take the piss when a guest in your house. Offering to pick him up at midnight?! Surely you would rather be asleep? Awake all night worrying about him? He's an adult. Whenever he gets home is his issue to deal with (and he should make damn sure he doesn't wake anyone up if he rolls in late).
B) - but Covid. Why you would have anyone to stay in the first place when you have an elderly mother staying with you - surely you want to minimise all interactions with people outside your immediate household to protect her. But then with all this going out and meeting friends - absolute madness to put your own family at risk like this plus you mentioned London which is Tier 2 so if he's meeting other people they really should only be meeting up outside (which I would imagine from the temperature in the middle of the night they are ignoring) so not only is he putting you all at risk anyway he's also flouting the Covid restrictions. I would pack his stuff up and tell him he's not allowed back in the house. Please think of your mother's health.
Also - you mentioned a couple of times you wouldn't let your daughter behave like this - why oh why is it ok for this entitled prick of a boy then? Is this some unconscious sexism? As in my experience boys / young men have always been allowed to get away with far more selfish behaviour than girls and young women.....

Biscuitsdisappear · 12/12/2020 10:11

You need to lay down some ground rules ending with if this is unacceptable to you then you will have to make alternative arrangements.

Houseplantmad · 12/12/2020 10:12

You can't have him back now you know he's mixing with others, unless you want covid or to be quarantining over Christmas.

In London all the teens are congregating at the South Bank and it is where spreading is happening as they're all drinking and mixing freely. Really peeves me off. DD shows me some pics in Instagram and it is rammed with partying teenagers.

Barmyfarmy · 12/12/2020 10:13

If he's well enough to meet up with others he's well enough to live with his parents.

Andi2020 · 12/12/2020 10:15

OP I mean this in a nice way.
Give your head a wobble
Why are you letting her ex stay good friends or not not your responsibility
No matter how much I like my teenagers bf when their an ex that's it.
You sound kind but way to involved.

GabriellaMontez · 12/12/2020 10:15

The last thing I would do for him is pack his bags and leave them on the step so he doesn't have to come in again.

And I'd speak to his parents if you know them and let them know what's gone on so they don't receive his version of events only.

One day your daughter will look back and remember this proudly.

PerveenMistry · 12/12/2020 10:16

@alexdgr8

i'm not sure if this is even serious. so you're saying you are willing to risk the life and health of your elderly mother, to appease your daughter, and keep in with ex boyfriend's naice parents, so as to accommodate him in the bosom of your family. and he doesn't give a flying fox. jog on. yeah, sounds just about right priorities to me.
Exactly. This is insane.
diddl · 12/12/2020 10:17

Wtf are you not causing a fuss on your daughter's say so?

Why isn't she she the one sitting up to let him in & finding out when he'll be back?

Just lock him out & leave him locked out.

What a selfish, ungrateful git he is.

PerveenMistry · 12/12/2020 10:19

@MerryGrinchmas1

I wouldn't let him back in. You don't know how many people he's been hanging around with. Regardless of if he was covid tested or not, you don't know where those other people have been. No way would I be putting an elderly relative at risk.
Right. Covid tests days ago mean nothing if he's out partying.

Let his parents find accommodations that don't involve risking others. You've been taken for a mug to be driving him and his belongings around during a deadly pandemic.

SeaToSki · 12/12/2020 10:20

Pack his bags, drop them off on his Mum’s doorstep. Text him and let him know to go there when he finally sobers up.

Let his Mum know that he will be telling her what happened as he is an adult and should take responsibility, but that if she has any questions subsequently, she should give you a call