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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unhappy with daughters ex bf

246 replies

Littlemissgrump · 12/12/2020 01:24

My daughters ex BF is staying with us atm due to both his parents having Covid. He’s in his first year of Uni and has suddenly gone from being a lovely kind fun guy to a party animal. The problem is my elderly mother lives with me and since being here he is out till all hours despite telling me he’s meeting a friend and will be back at 11. My daughter doesn’t want me to cause a fuss ( they parted on very good terms) but I think he’s taking the p* quite frankly.
Tonight it’s already almost 1:30am, I’ve no idea where he is or when he’ll be back! AIBU to ask his parents to talk to him?
My daughter thinks we should just let him do his own thing, but I have my Mother to consider?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 12/12/2020 10:21

@Littlemissgrump

I appreciate everyone’s response, agree I think I have been taken for a mug. Absolutely wouldn’t let my daughter behave this way. Will let you know what happens later. He’s supposed to leave here until Thursday morning.
Then he doesn’t get to act this way. Please don’t let him in your home again. If you do, you’re completely undermining your own authority for a boy, who’s your ds’s ex. He should never have stayed in the first place.... boundaries. Your dd deserves to not have her home invaded by her ex however amicable the split. Can you not see what a poor message you’re sending her on all fronts?

I would be giving 2 Choices. He can either go to his parent’s or check into a hotel for the remaining 5 nights. But he is not your problem anymore.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/12/2020 10:22

@SeaToSki

Pack his bags, drop them off on his Mum’s doorstep. Text him and let him know to go there when he finally sobers up.

Let his Mum know that he will be telling her what happened as he is an adult and should take responsibility, but that if she has any questions subsequently, she should give you a call

Actually this is an even better idea. I’ve had my fill of piss takers in this world. I can see others have better idea.....
Potterylady13 · 12/12/2020 10:22

Stop making excuses for him and kick him out - this is why it's spreading!

Lovemusic33 · 12/12/2020 10:23

Not sure why you are getting so upset and anxious about him being out late. Lay down some rules, if he’s not back by 11pm the door get locked and he has to sleep elsewhere.

You have been kind enough letting him stay but he’s taking the piss and is putting you all at risk. If he can’t comply to the rules then kick him out.

Backtotheplanetofthegrapes · 12/12/2020 10:24

What a cheeky fucker - he’s taking you for a mug!!

He’ll be ringing from the train asking you to cook a bacon sarnie and meet him at the station to bring him back, oh and by the way have you done is laundry yet as he’s out of clean kecks.

You’ve got one last little job for him though - pack up his stuff and take it round to his parent’s doorstep!

AgentProvocateur · 12/12/2020 10:24

Can’t quite believe that anyone is enough of a doormat to be willing to risk the life of their elderly mother rather than say no to their daughter’s EX! What a poor example you’re setting - showing her that a selfish man must be pandered to at any cost.

Bluntness100 · 12/12/2020 10:25

@AgentProvocateur

Can’t quite believe that anyone is enough of a doormat to be willing to risk the life of their elderly mother rather than say no to their daughter’s EX! What a poor example you’re setting - showing her that a selfish man must be pandered to at any cost.
Eh, did you mean to be so rude?
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 12/12/2020 10:25

I think I’m fairly chilled, but I can’t believe this. He’s mixing with others, who you can bet will have been mixing with still more, and I bet they’re all ‘relaxed’ about COVID, because they’re immortal, aren’t they? And he’s coming back to your house where there’s a vulnerable older person.

This can’t go on. He’s being unbelievably irresponsible.
Pack his things up and tell him that’s it - he has to go.

longtompot · 12/12/2020 10:25

[quote Littlemissgrump]@PomBearWithoutHerOFRS his parents didn’t want him to risk becoming infected. I honestly thought I was just doing a favour to a family I like, but I didn’t anticipate how much he had changed since the summer[/quote]
But they're ok with him possibly infecting you and your family? I suspect he didn't want to stay at theirs as he wouldn't have been able to go out at all. I think it's time for him to go back home. Your dd might be friends with him, but it must still be difficult with him living under the same roof, and I imagine she is awake wondering who he is out with and what he is getting up to.

LAMPS1 · 12/12/2020 10:27

He’s clearly now broken his uni bubble (which was very suspect in the first place) and he’s broken your family bubble, probably not for the first time either.
You now have a legitimate and genuine reason not to allow him back into your house. It’s life threatening to your mum if you do. And you would be crazy to put him before her. Nobody would think badly of you for telling him this when he is sober enough to hear it. In fact let’s hope he has realised this himself by now. Using the excuse that he had a test last week is actually pathetic and a sure way to prolong the pandemic.
I would be packing his stuff up and informing his family that, having broken your family bubble, he’s put you in this difficult position of having to end the arrangement which was made in good faith that he would respect your family circumstances. They will understand.
Good luck.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 12/12/2020 10:29

If anything happens to your mother you will feel awful. He is not your responsibility OP. Your concern is your mum.

Winterwoollies · 12/12/2020 10:31

Has your daughter inherited these people-pleasing traits, OP? Is she bending over backwards for her repulsively disrespectful ex boyfriend because she’s learned that from you? Is he ‘abusing’ his proximity to your daughter also, under the guise that they’re friends? Does she actually still have feelings for him and that’s why she’s so desperate for you not to rock the boat? This comes across, worryingly, as two women desperate to please others at their own expense.

I am of course surmising from the scant detail you have provided, it’s just a feeling I’m getting.

Simplyunacceptable · 12/12/2020 10:32

So his parents are worried about giving him covid but they’re happy for him to risk getting it himself by regularly breaking the law partying with God knows who? He’s also then putting your family at risk.

Even parking the covid situation to one side, he sounds like a total arsehole. He is your daughter’s ex, I don’t know why he’s still hanging around like a bad smell in your house. Get rid of him.

diddl · 12/12/2020 10:33

"Eh, did you mean to be so rude?"

GrinGrin

That really does sound stupid when used, doesn't it?

What was rude?

Siw2020 · 12/12/2020 10:35

OP you sound like a very lovely, warm, caring woman and an understanding mother.

However, to put it bluntly you are risking your elderly mother dying by your choices. This young lad is not with your daughter anymore (she doesn't sound like she is emotionally mature enough to make the decision to host him). The obvious answer is protect your mother, that is all that matters.

Pack his stuff, leave it outside the front door. This isn't to make a statement or to be sour. Have a polite conversation over the phone when he has sobered up. This need not ruin the friendship between your daughter and her ex or you and his parents. He has absolutely taken you for a ride and if I was your daughter I absolutely would notwant to have anything to do with this ex who cares so little as to take advantage of my mother's kindness and more importantly risking my grandmother's life all because he doesn't want to catch covid from his parents.

Get a grip. I personally wouldnt want anything more to do with him.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 12/12/2020 10:38

Are uni bubbles still a thing? seeing as they have all gone back home and are all mixing with other family and friends? My sister is home from uni and is now in my mums bubble. I havent evenseen her as she isn't my bubble and she hasn't been going back and forth seeing her uni friends.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/12/2020 10:38

'' his parents didn’t want him to risk becoming infected.''

Well, his behaviour risks becoming infected! He needs to go back to his parents TODAY, where his risk will be no higher than he's creating for himself. It'll probably be less, as his parents will do whatever social distancing they can, I expect.

More importantly, he can't infect them, whereas staying at your he can infect your mother.

Personally I would text him and his parents to tell them he now poses a risk to your household and you're not having it! Put all his stuff in a binbag on the doorstep for him to pick up on his way home. I wouldn't let him over my door.

Tempusfudgeit · 12/12/2020 10:38

I know, you're hoping your daughter will get back together with him, marry, and give you lots of grandchildren. It's the only thing that explains your behaviour.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 12/12/2020 10:39

Such poor grammar sorry 🙈

wildraisins · 12/12/2020 10:52

If it bothers you then just don't have him there? You don't have to.

However he is an adult so I don't know why you care what time he comes in unless he's disturbing you?

Gwenhwyfar · 12/12/2020 10:55

"Oh right - I haven’t heard of uni accom kicking students out over Xmas, normally your contract covers full calendar months rather than just term time - otherwise you’d have to move all of your stuff in and out for holidays which must be a huge pain. Which uni is it?"

That's what we did when I was at uni many years ago. There were a few rooms at the hall where we could store things.
They chucked us out because they rented the accommodation for conferences and the like.

Gwenhwyfar · 12/12/2020 10:56

"Your dd deserves to not have her home invaded by her ex however amicable the split"

Eh? The DD doesn't feel her home was invaded, does she? From her point of view, a friend has come to stay.

Wheresmykimchi · 12/12/2020 10:57

The CF award of the year goes to Grin

ANewDawnANewDay · 12/12/2020 10:57

Please tell us you've texted him to tell him this isn't working and he shouldn't bother coming back!

His parents should/would be mortified if they are as good friends as you think.

He can rent another air bnb for the duration he needs.

2bazookas · 12/12/2020 10:59

Her's taking the piss; when he gets back today tell him to pack his bag and get out. Where he goes is not your concern. Your daughter should put her grandmother's safety way ahead of an EX bf.