To be unhappy with daughters ex bf

[Littlemissgrump]

My daughters ex BF is staying with us atm due to both his parents having Covid. He’s in his first year of Uni and has suddenly gone from being a lovely kind fun guy to a party animal. The problem is my elderly mother lives with me and since being here he is out till all hours despite telling me he’s meeting a friend and will be back at 11. My daughter doesn’t want me to cause a fuss ( they parted on very good terms) but I think he’s taking the p* quite frankly.
Tonight it’s already almost 1:30am, I’ve no idea where he is or when he’ll be back! AIBU to ask his parents to talk to him?
My daughter thinks we should just let him do his own thing, but I have my Mother to consider?

You've done the right thing, OP.

Entitled, ungrateful little shit. You have been more than generous. He should be utterly mortified and grovellingly apologetic, but no - crickets...

You are an utter mug.

A pretty selfish one putting an elderly relative at risk.

Well done OP. Your next mission, should you choose to accept it, is to help your dd to see him for what he is.

Bizarrely his parents seem to think it’s ok he is with “Uni friends” which isn’t right as they also have his grandmother staying with them next week but as you all say that’s not my problem or priority.

If his parents don't give a fuck, then neither will he.

This is what shit parenting creates.

Thanks for the update OP.

Just another perspective - while his parents may be isolating, doesnt mean they have stopped being a parent. I assume they are in contact with him (whatever the norm is for them, I know some freshers have daily contact with calls/ family whatsapp groups etc and others seem to go weeks with minimal contact). He is not your responsibility nor your daughters.

Why has he even chosen to stay with you?
Why did your daughter think this is acceptable?
I wouldnt be surprised if like another poster said, he got lucky last night. In the mean time, his exgirlfriends mother has been up till 4am worrying. Thats his parents job, not yours.

You never should have put your mothers life at risk. Your daughter perhaps doesnt udnerstand the seriousness of Covid or perhaps still has feeling for this boy and struggled to say no. Did she sleep well last night? You both sound far too involved in a boy who clearly doesnt give 2 damns about your family.

@1FootInTheRave

You are an utter mug.

A pretty selfish one putting an elderly relative at risk.

In what way?

Good news is as of Monday coming it's 10 days so if Monday will be day 10 or over he can go home

Are you insane? Stern talking to - no lifts - door locked at night - and if he crosses the line even once, he can fuck off back home and catch COVID.
But actually, I'd probably have just locked up and left his bags on the doorstep.
(Just wondering - if you're such a doormat to your daughter's ex, how do you treat current boyfriends???)

@1FootInTheRave

You are an utter mug.

A pretty selfish one putting an elderly relative at risk.

Read the updates.

OP has kicked him into touch. He stayed out all night so she wasn't forced to have a confrontation on the doorstep, which was a relief, and she told him on the phone not to come back and that he could collect his stuff from her doorstep on Monday evening.

She isn't a "mug" - she tried to be kind and I'm sure that if necessary would have refused to let him back in .

Thanks all!!
I just want to clarify that my Dd has remained very good friends with him after the break up and when he moved to Uni the first couple of weeks he was talking to her more than his parents. They have been very close. Neither interested in getting back together, and I I’m not secretly hoping for it as someone up thread suggested. They’ve just remained good friends.
What has changed is where he was previously really considerate and thoughtful he now seems very self centred and cocky.
What has transpired is his Uni friends are international students not going home for Christmas and have rented the air bnb for the next 7 days. We now know he knew about thus at the point he said he was meeting 4 friends at the pub.
After going to the pub the 8 of them went back to the air bnb and drank themselves into oblivion.
I know he was completely trashed as he picked up my call at 4am and was incoherent.

I don’t really care what he tells his parents, but as someone has mentioned, yes they do see him as “ the golden child” my daughter heard me on the phone this morning and said his parents never speak to him like that. He apologised twice, but has yet to apologise to my daughter, I think this will change their friendship as she says she is disgusted with the way he’s behaved.

A huge thanks mumsnetters for getting me through last night x

Well done for reading him the riot act, OP – it can't have been easy given the history with your DD and his parents. Hopefully this will teach him a lesson about basic manners and thinking of others and not being a selfish little arse.

Well done OP. Uni does change people, sometimes for the worse. Your daughter may find herself sidelined for his exciting new friends. Let her know that's his problem not hers

Oxford university and the rules don't apply to him?

He has a bright, bright future.

@DrDavidBanner

Well done OP. Uni does change people, sometimes for the worse. Your daughter may find herself sidelined for his exciting new friends. Let her know that's his problem not hers

He's just an immature kid who hasn't been parented properly. He'll have to figure out life for himself and will mess up along the way. Either he learns from it or he doesn't.

Either way make sure it's known he's no longer welcome in your house.

I've seen a few of these threads though and I think it is difficult for particularly first year students. Away from home for the first time they will fuck up and get wasted and be immature etc. It's par for the course at that age, but this term because of Covid it means their recklessness can have deadly consequences for others. The ones who don't care about that, or are too immature to even realise, need to grow up faster.

Most students have enough sense and empathy not to act like this during a pandemic.

He was probablu always a wanker OP. He's just dropped the act now you're no use to him. She's well-rid.

Thank you for helping me!
Tbh one of the reasons my Dd broke up with him was his drinking. When they were one on one he was an absolute delight and treated her fantastically well, but in a group he just cant stop himself drinking far too much. The final straw was leaving her at 11pm on the far side of London because his mates wanted to continue drinking and she needed to be home. He becomes a different person, it’s like he can’t be outgoing without drinking but then doesn’t know when to stop & afterwards saying it was fun. My Dd isn’t that into drinking.

My daughter and I both had covid , my son in law and granddaughter didn't . We all live in the same house . The boyfriend should have gone straight home from uni and isolated himself in his room instead of putting you and yours at risk from all the partying. Send him on his way x x