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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unhappy with daughters ex bf

246 replies

Littlemissgrump · 12/12/2020 01:24

My daughters ex BF is staying with us atm due to both his parents having Covid. He’s in his first year of Uni and has suddenly gone from being a lovely kind fun guy to a party animal. The problem is my elderly mother lives with me and since being here he is out till all hours despite telling me he’s meeting a friend and will be back at 11. My daughter doesn’t want me to cause a fuss ( they parted on very good terms) but I think he’s taking the p* quite frankly.
Tonight it’s already almost 1:30am, I’ve no idea where he is or when he’ll be back! AIBU to ask his parents to talk to him?
My daughter thinks we should just let him do his own thing, but I have my Mother to consider?

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemissgrump · 12/12/2020 04:21

You are all absolutely right and I caved in and I really really wish I hadn’t. After locking the door I felt compelled to call him to make sure he was ok given that he told me he was meeting 4 friends in the pub I naively believe they were getting the train to see him. I got hold of him and he was barely coherent. It transpires the friends had in fact ex rented an air bnb for the weekend in London and he was at their air bnb.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 12/12/2020 04:22

He is an unrelated adult. I don’t understand why his staying out late is your main concern here, it is none of your business. You are of course a complete mug to be housing him, but having agreed to do so, you cannot tell another person adult what time to be home.

What you can do is tell him to pack his things abs get out. I cannot fathom why he is there in the first place.

Original poster
Littlemissgrump · 12/12/2020 04:24

@CJsGoldfish the issue is he was supposed to be meeting the 4 people from his bubble for dinner and was due home at 11:30. By 2am I had no idea where he was or who he was with. I finally got hold of him at 4am and yes he’s with 4 from his bubble, but then 4 others who aren’t.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/12/2020 04:29

She’s already explained why he’s there, she knows him well and was happy to allow him to stay and he’s now her daughters friend. I genuinely can’t understand why some folks find that so unfathomable.

And it’s normal to worry, he may be an adult but she will feel he is under her care.

I would both let one of my daughters friends stay who I knew well and I would also worry if they went out and didn’t come back at the time they said. Most folks would.

However you do need to have a word with him op, I get your daughters point, and you do in fact need to let him do his own thing, you can’t put him under house arrest, but he should at least say when he’s coming and going. If you don’t want him socialising then you need to ask him to leave.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/12/2020 04:39

Personally I wouldn’t let him back in the house now. He’s not respecting your household and putting your mum at terrible risk going around mixing with a lot of people. His parents were awful to have even asked you. I’d pack his bags and call him a taxi or tell his parents to collect him when he calls. You’ve basically agreed to have this boy in your home so that he can party for 2 weeks instead of isolate. How entitled is that?? He can party next year once back at university fgs. Remove the word doormat from your forehead.

Pretenditsaplan · 12/12/2020 04:40

The test just means that at the moment of testing he didnt have covid markers. He could of gotten it since then or had it but it hadnt developed enough to be detected at the point of testing. Thats why ideally after a close contact you should get tested and tested again after 2 weeks. Unfortunately we dont have enough tests for that but with the new lateral tests it might become the norm. EIther way he should still isolate whilst at yours tonavoid bringing it into your house or bringing it from your house to the people hes meeting. Then theres the breaking of the law by mixing households and havibg nore then 6 people in the air bnb.

Longdistance · 12/12/2020 04:58

He may be a teen, but he’s an adult.
Time to get tough.
He’s got his own parents and obviously plenty of other friends, why he needed to stay with you, is beyond me?
He’s putting your dm at risk.
As a guest in your house he needs to start behave like one. He’s not at home.

Candyfloss99 · 12/12/2020 05:03

You are being a complete mug and teaching your daughter to be one too. She and you have no responsibility for her ex.

MumsGoneToIceland · 12/12/2020 05:20

You are in tier 2 area at high risk of going into a tier 3 and he is mixing indoors with others which is illegal; they are not in a uni bubble, they have left the university now and are each mixing outside of that with others!. You would be absolutely insane to allow him back in your house putting you all and in particular your elderly mum at great risk. Assuming you haven’t let him back in already, I would be texting and saying that you can’t allow him back in the house and he’ll have to arrange a B and B.

MumsGoneToIceland · 12/12/2020 05:21

Even if you have let him in I’d be asking him to leave to avoid further risk

Neveranynamesleft · 12/12/2020 05:31

OP give your head a serious wobble, wipe the word 'mug' off your forehead and get rid of the selfish CF.
You have wasted a night worrying about someone who has absolutely no respect for your family .
He has to go.

justilou1 · 12/12/2020 05:32

Good grief! Even his parents know he’s an irresponsible a-hole.

Womencanlift · 12/12/2020 05:50

OP if your daughter had went out partying all night with people outside her bubble and then came back to the house potentially infecting you all how would you react?

You need to do the same, if not more, with this boy.

If you would do nothing, which it sounds like you will do here, then more fool you.

HaggieMaggie · 12/12/2020 05:53

Gobsmacked.

His parents didn’t want to risk infecting him, but they were all happy to put your mothers life at risk?

FFS

RantyAnty · 12/12/2020 05:59

Isn't he quite the user!

He clearly has zero respect for you or your home.

If he's an adult, why does he expect you to fetch him at all hours of the night?

He's rather thick about covid too. Just because he's had one negative test doesn't make him immune. He could have gotten infected the first time he was out with randoms after the test.

His parents can pay for a hotel for him.

I hope you're not cooking, doing his laundry and cleaning up after this arse.

Call his parents, pack up his stuff and drop him off at theirs. He's their problem, not yours.

todayIdrankmilk · 12/12/2020 06:08

He is taking the P. I would kick him out. He is an adult.

milienhaus · 12/12/2020 06:12

“Uni bubble” is not a thing once they’re home from uni. He sounds like a real dick.

Beautiful3 · 12/12/2020 06:12

If you wouldnt tolerate this from your daughter then you shouldn't from him either. I think you need to talk to him and explain that you're not happy with his behaviour. Its reckless and unsafe.

KatherineJaneway · 12/12/2020 06:16

I'd say he is not welcome to return due to the risk to your mum. Box his stuff up and tell him he can pick it up from your front door.

Frownette · 12/12/2020 06:17

When is his parents' isolation period up?

madcatladyforever · 12/12/2020 06:25

You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that your home is not a doss house. He is not welcome back if he is risking bringing covid into your house and you will not be ferrying him around any more. He is an adult now. He has to understand adult rules and either abides by them or leaves.
You have been taken for a complete mug.

pilates · 12/12/2020 06:29

He is taking the piss

Bravobravobravo · 12/12/2020 06:34

I think it is highly unlikely that he was ‘kicked out’ of his College accommodation this vac, that goes against all University guidelines.

To be unhappy with daughters ex bf
CutToChase · 12/12/2020 06:41

So hes currently on a pissed up sleepover during covid.

Theres nothing wrong with having this unrelated person to stay with you I think that's nice.

But you do understand that from today he cant stay with you anymore, right? Because you live with someone vulnerable and theres a good chance he will have caught the virus?

Please stop referring to him as a teenager. Hes a student. Hes an adult. As you can see, they are capable of getting Airbnb's.

You really need to grow a backbone here OP.

Got2beglue · 12/12/2020 06:52

Should he catch covid, the chances of him becoming are extremely low. He's aware of this, which is why he continues to mix and mingle. You're putting your vulnerable mother at risk to facilitate this boy's social life. I'd send him home and tell his parents exactly why if they ask.