To feel like the burden of Christmas always falls on women?

[Fallingrain]

Just that really. I do a full time job, run a business on the side and I always get so frazzled at this time of year. There is just so much to do. DH isn’t useless but I couldn’t trust him to remember stuff like Christmas jumper day at school. I absolutely accept that I’m very lucky to afford a cleaner and we don’t have financial worries but I still get to Christmas and I feel like I’ve run a marathon. The cards, stockings, school stuff, gifts for family and friends, Christmas food and planning catering etc. It’s all just too much.

It gets my goat a bit that women seem to take it all on in most households. I remember my Mum being exactly the same and I don’t want the kids to just remember Christmas as me getting stressed.

Ya THINK?

I imagine it depends on the family but yes, it’s definitely this way in my household too. DH is a bit of a Scrooge, he isn’t overly keen on Christmas so it does tend to fall on me.

I may be slightly embittered after writing all the cards, posting them, decorating the tree then listening to DH whining about all the good stuff being sold out on M&S food to order. Because I only asked him five times since early November to look on the website and do it.

We usually share the jobs. I do stockings but he does main presents. I do flowers and tree, he does lights, puts up wreaths, does stair garland.
I cook. He clears.
I make canapés, he move so furniture, chills the fizz, hoovers up after drinks.
Not sure I’ve ever felt frazzled, it seems fun.
I did do costumes etc but he did his fair share of other things.

Just literally had a falling out with my “D”H earlier about this... I feel the pressure to organise the fun for everyone and thus it’s not fun for me at all

Yes but just keep it simple and get DH to do anything he can’t mess up (so not time sensitive pre-orders). A lot of the extra work is unappreciated so just stick to the bits you feel are important.

YANBU I find it spoils Christmas for me as I am worn out by Christmas Day. DH said he would do more this year - but the reality is that for stuff to be ready to post out in time it needs to be bought by say end of November so it can be wrapped etc & DH isn't thinking about planning that far ahead.

Mine doesn't do Christmas. Or presents. So yes. I wrote all the cards to everyone except his mum and sister, and guess which unwritten cards are on the sideboard?

This year I cracked and just did the bits of Christmas I found fun. So have done cards and tree and will do food I like. No presents for or from him, and DD went as Tinkerbell for jumper day because she picks it out whenever I let her choose her clothes!

Opposite here. My view is that if DH wants a complicated Christmas with all the trimmings then it’s ok to expect him to do more of the planning. I’m happy to do stuff, but his level of preparation is just not fun for me.

It's pretty evenly split here. I appreciate that may not be the experience for most.
Don't do it? Delegate some jobs to him.

@Fallingrain totally agree

I think some women make a rod for their own back a bit too though. For example I don't get involved in any buying for OH's side of the family and never have, his family, up to him, how would I know better than him what they'd like? So much simpler to each do your own side, I've just never taken on that kind of wife work and I don't apologise for it. Also I don't bother with cards, what a waste of time.

It depends what things matter to you and why they matter. My Christmas is quite basic, according to some "sad" and "pathetic", but it ends up being quite chilled and I only do things I want to /enjoy.

OH is responsible for his family and relationships full stop. As such he has very little contact with anyone.. his problem.

I don't do cards.

We both buy for DD, I buy for him and him and DD buy for me (Christmas and bday a few days before).

Me and DD wrap his presents, him and DD wrap mine and we either wrap DD's together or he takes her out for a few hours so I can do it all in peace.

We clean together.

We do the food shop together or he goes.

He used to always cook Christmas dinner , but a while ago DD decided she only likes my roast potatoes so I do them for everyone and the meat for me and DD and OH does his own stuff.

We remind eachother/book Christmas stuff.. like seeing Santa ,outings,ice skating,seeing the lights etc.

I sort the school stuff out(and have my own school to remember) but he pays for it I never have cash and he does,he can stop on the way home.

And uhmmm... that's about it. As I said.. quite basic.

@hamsterchump I agree with you and I made a stand a few years ago about him buying his family gifts and doing their cards. I suppose the issue comes because I don’t want the kids to miss out or his family to think I’m crap because I haven’t done something. I think it boils down to him just not being that proactive. So as someone else said, by the time he’d think to look at M and S for food, it’s sold out. It’s not really the main things. It’s the thousand little bits like stocking fillers, or making sure the kids have the clothes they need for Christmas parties.

I’m actually glad that this Christmas is quieter due to Covid because i don’t have as much stuff on and we don’t have to go round umpteen houses when we visit my hometown

Nope opposite in my house - my mum always relaxed all day Christmas - my dad did the shopping and cooked the dinner - always remember my mum sitting with a glass of wine 😂

This year I’m staying home just husband and I - he’s making dinner for us.

We both shooed together for our families

You need to stop stressing yourself out - loads if it is likely self inflicted tbh you don’t have to do everything - delicate it - tell your it husband to stop being a lazy bollox

Maybe just skip doing any of the prep one year see what happens - make them realise it doesn’t all happen by itself

On the day it's pretty even. In terms of looking after the kids and cooking / hosting.

But all the kids planning and preparations are done by me. With not a lot of input from DH other than lugging a Christmas tree home. I can't say I mind.

I don’t mind doing stuff, but usually start much earlier. With Covid restrictions and lockdowns I haven’t managed that and have had to order stuff to be delivered rather than going to actual shops. To be fair, DH has ordered stuff and we have shared card writing, and he helps with the food shopping.

I get all the work while DH has a cats bum face for the month because we're spending money (that we can easily afford).

And has the cheek to say "we need to do something different" every fucking year. Well you go off and think of it/plan it, and we'll do it. Nob.

Completely disagree. My husband does far more for Christmas than I do. No cleaner either 🤷🏻‍♀️

@hamsterchump

I think some women make a rod for their own back a bit too though. For example I don't get involved in any buying for OH's side of the family and never have, his family, up to him, how would I know better than him what they'd like? So much simpler to each do your own side, I've just never taken on that kind of wife work and I don't apologise for it. Also I don't bother with cards, what a waste of time.

Same here.

If DP wants presents to be bought & wrapped for his family, he knows where the shops are and how to use Amazon. If he wants cards to be sent to people, he knows where the post office is. If he wants to make arrangements to socialise with people, he knows how to use WhatsApp.

If some women want to take everything onto themselves and become Christmas martyrs, more fool them.

DH isn’t useless but I couldn’t trust him to remember stuff like Christmas jumper day at school.

The bar is on the fucking floor here. Raise your standards! I bet he's capable of remembering all sorts of things for work and for his own interests and yet he's got you jumping through hoops. Have a little self respect! I'd find it hard to love a man like that.

@Fallingrain I mean yeah it's easier because I never started buying for/organising stuff to do with his family. I've just never thought of that as my responsibility so I don't think his family have ever thought it was either. If he wants to maintain those relationships or not then I've just always seen it as up to him, I don't really care either way. I think we're both happier for it too because he doesn't think of it as my job either so he doesn't resent me not doing it if you see what I mean. I genuinely don't understand why some women willingly martyr themself taking on this work and then complain about it later.

I take the burden of Christmas because I want to, I’m quite controlling in that, I want to sort it, and do it my way, I honestly think many women are the same, they think their way is better so they’d rather do it themselves.

If I left my husband to it, sure we’d have crimbo. Just not to my standards. But let’s face it, who cares about my standards. His Christmas would be just as good. Just different.

It's that way because you let it. Don't.