To feel like the burden of Christmas always falls on women?

[Fallingrain]

Just that really. I do a full time job, run a business on the side and I always get so frazzled at this time of year. There is just so much to do. DH isn’t useless but I couldn’t trust him to remember stuff like Christmas jumper day at school. I absolutely accept that I’m very lucky to afford a cleaner and we don’t have financial worries but I still get to Christmas and I feel like I’ve run a marathon. The cards, stockings, school stuff, gifts for family and friends, Christmas food and planning catering etc. It’s all just too much.

It gets my goat a bit that women seem to take it all on in most households. I remember my Mum being exactly the same and I don’t want the kids to just remember Christmas as me getting stressed.

My mum used to get almost to the point of a breakdown every year, weighed down by the stress of doing absolutely all the Xmas planning on top of the day to day household work. My dad (who was the breadwinner) had very exacting standards about the sort of Victorian Xmas he wanted and everything had to be done just right. She always made it absolutely magical, to her credit, but never got anything like the appreciation she deserved.

I don't live with my bf and won't be with him on Xmas day thankfully but I know he would not expect me to do that much labour.

Its the mental load as much as anything else. What will we eat? When? When should I buy t? When should I cook it? How? What should go in stockings this year ? Have I remembered everything... what about the fcking nut roast? Have I got something for SIL, MIL, neices, nephews, sister, brother, mother... oh and I need to package it all up and post it early this year because we don't see them... where's the bldy sellotape, where is that box I saved to post stuff in... did I get the right chocolates (they hate celebrations love heros) sht I've not got the sausage meat... Where's that parcel that the seller sent 3 weeks ago... I need to wrap it up ... Damn nearly forgot Christmas jumper day... sherry I need bl**dy sherry for Santa and some flipping carrots for Rudolf.... got to get DCs to write cards for school... the fairy lights have tangled again... where they hell is that spare box of chocolates for unexpected guest...

I'm sure I've forgotten something... everything... I've not got enough presents ..

DP will calmly help put up the tree and order anything I send him amazon links to..

No wonder I'm fit to collapse by boxing day - I already know what's for dinner -left overs with frozen roast potatoes and frozen yorkshire pudding followed by left over trifle and half a box of chocolates and I'm eating mine on a tray in front of the TV!!

I think you start in your relationship as you mean to go on.
I met my DP, almost 30 years ago, we started off our living together life by pooling our earnings and dividing chores according to each of our strengths.
Many women complain that the lion's share of the work load falls to them as if they were powerless to change it! They say ''it won't get done if I don't do it'', etc.
Well, don't do it...or do a reasonable amount of work and make sure your partner knows what's expected of them.
If it doesn't get done..so what?

Depends - my parents had a pretty even split. Mum did presents and cards and Dad did food (he's was a chef).

I do everything here because DH is Jewish...so he's busy organizing all the stuff for Hannukah. Although, I did tell him to make his own latkes the other day...

I've had my fill of hosting tbh. Prepping the house, washing sheets, cooking food, filling glasses for 14 people? Who beforehand offer to help, but on the day just get shit-faced off white wine on the sofa?

Nah.

My mum does everything at Christmas, like everything. DH and I share the load a lot more but I'm aware this is quite uncommon, most of my friends are very frazzled this time of year trying to get everything sorted.

OP- sounds like you just have a useless husband. Tell him to pull his finger out.

DH occasionally asks with a slightly panicked look 'do I need to get some things for stockings' (yes dh, you need to get mine, the most important one, plus we both always get bits for dds). Or 'organising things?' yes, trying to book an online slot/planning the menus. Or 'my mum still wants to know what to get the kids' - erm, perhaps ask them or think of something to tell her?

ScrapThatThen with respect, your DH sound very immature.
Why would a grown man have to ask you such questions?
You are not his mother!

We do go out together for presents for our families but I tend to buy the cards, write all of them except for his DB and DNs, and take to the post office.

We do the main food shop together but I will also go out separately for perishable items.

I tend to put up the tree and decorations but I always ask DH if he wants to help and hope he says no because I want to do it. I then yell for help in sorting out remote-controlled sockets and hiding light cables under carpets around the edge of skirting boards.

He is wonderful on Christmas day if we are hosting. He'll help out in the kitchen, supply guests with drinks and be the entertainment. 😂

So, I probably do more and definitely have the mental load of working out what to buy and timings for cooking and picking people up, but, on the whole, my DH is pretty good.

Not in my house so it doesnt ALWAYS fall on the women there for a I can categorically state that your thread title is definitely unreasonable.

Had you said USUALLY rather than ALWAYS then I would probably agree 😉

Well, don't do it...or do a reasonable amount of work and make sure your partner knows what's expected of them. If it doesn't get done..so what?

People on Mumsnet say this a lot, and it is sensible advice to a point, but it becomes a lot more difficult when you have children (Christmas or not).

My problem - and the problem many women have - is that I can’t allow our children or our dog to suffer because of my husband’s laziness. And deep down he knows that, and takes advantage of it.

So I’m perfectly happy to leave my husband’s washing to him, and leave his family’s gifts and cards to him, etc. I always did that. No change there. The problem is splitting the work of caring for other people. I don’t want my child to be the only one without a Christmas jumper on Christmas jumper day, or the only one who doesn’t have a gift for the teacher. I want him to have clean clothes. I want him to have presents on Christmas Day and a Christmas dinner. Similarly, I don’t want our dog to suffer because he hasn’t been walked because my husband can’t be arsed to remember, to catch fleas and worms because he hasn’t had his medicine, or to starve because noone’s remembered to feed him.

You may well ask ‘why did you have kids with this man?’ and it’s a reasonable question. The answer is - he was perfectly capable of taking care of himself before we had children. And he still is good at taking care of himself. Just not anyone else.

I bet he's capable of remembering all sorts of things for work and for his own interests and yet he's got you jumping through hoops

This.

Why is the strategic incompetence reserved for every setting outside work or a selection of settings (hobby is well-organised, individual trips 'with the boys')?

*Why is the strategic incompetence reserved for every setting outside work or a selection of settings8

Exactly this. If they manage to hold a job down they can't be that useless. I know some high-flying people have PAs to organise their lives for them, but they are a dying breed.

I also think men are perfectly capable of this stuff but some women are too controlling. If my husband went out and eg bought Sainsburys baked beans instead of Heinz beans I'd just ask him to remember the Heinz beans next time, and give him a list if necessary.

As for the Christmas jumper, just put a note on the door if you think they'll forget without you organising.

Mums can forget too. I remember my ds having a dress down day at juniors, we got close to the school and saw everyone in mufti, he was in school uniform. We live close to the primary school so ran home and got changed in about 10 seconds flat ;)

I think a lot of enabling goes on too.
Or maybe these husband's that don't do their share at Christmas have very little rerpect or even love for their families.
Why would someone who claims to love and be committed to a person let them struggle and become frustrated and worn down by all this work?
It is cruel.

I know you're not wrong in general but tbf to my DH he does his share, we do most of it together the Christmas shop, planning the food, getting ready for the day etc

Who's fault is it though?

I realised a few years ago and just stopped doing things- let go.

I haven't written any Christmas cards for years- DH does it or they don't get sent.
He buys for his family and friends kids. We both buy for our kids.

I'll do food shopping and then whoever is here will pitch In To cook.

Yes I do most of the cleaning but I always have - he'll do stuff if I give him a job.

Stop doing it all if you don't want to

I think we make a rod for our own backs. Nobody would care if Christmas was pared right back to a tree, presents and a traditional meal. If we refused to engage with idiocy like Christmas jumper day and Christmas Eve boxes life would be easier for everyone.

I do it all here too but he does a lot of other stuff that I don't get involved in.

Plus he wouldn't care if I didn't do it so it's not like he's forcing me. If it's too much then either cut down what you're doing or give him a list of jobs to be done.

He cooks and meal plans and buys random bits for the kids.

I do everything else. And his family don't get cards because I refused to do them.

VinylDectective you are right.
This thread should be renamed 'The Martyrrs at Christmas' !

Always done it together, except for years when DH has done MORE than me!! Right from the start (20yrs of married Xmas's) I was very clear I was NOT having the dynamic like my Mum and Dad do, where she does the decs, presents, wrapping, shopping and Dad just helped with the day itself and DH very much had the attitude that we are a couple and should want to do stuff together - that includes buying for kids and each other's side of the family. DH is much more involved in the food too as he LOVES Xmas food and as he constantly battles his own gluttony he loves letting go at Xmas and eating as much as he likes! I'm far less bothered and as a vegetarian am happy with a plate of spouts and other veg 🤗

@hamsterchump

I think some women make a rod for their own back a bit too though. For example I don't get involved in any buying for OH's side of the family and never have, his family, up to him, how would I know better than him what they'd like? So much simpler to each do your own side, I've just never taken on that kind of wife work and I don't apologise for it. Also I don't bother with cards, what a waste of time.

This.

Take it from someone who did the wife work for the ILs and when we split they all suddenly blamed me because they didn't get any presents

Women need to be empowered to say at the beginning "your family your responsibility" and advocate for fairer share of the work.

We can start by stop being mummy martyrs. Little Timmy and Jenny, MIL and FIL, and even you (women need to remember it's their day too) and your DH won't have Christmas ruined if you don't have homemade brandy butter and presents with special ribbon on them.

To be honest don’t shoot me but I love it and and always have I did it for ex because he was dreadful nothing would get done I love the run up and start shopping in September October I’ll start saving in January big time I want f and m hampers next year, made up ones not already made, I love finding the presents for those I do buy for, this year I’ve really indulged presents and food.

Oh and I’ve stopped doing loads of cards can’t be bothered anymore surgery Friday so I’m done,