To feel like the burden of Christmas always falls on women?

[Fallingrain]

Just that really. I do a full time job, run a business on the side and I always get so frazzled at this time of year. There is just so much to do. DH isn’t useless but I couldn’t trust him to remember stuff like Christmas jumper day at school. I absolutely accept that I’m very lucky to afford a cleaner and we don’t have financial worries but I still get to Christmas and I feel like I’ve run a marathon. The cards, stockings, school stuff, gifts for family and friends, Christmas food and planning catering etc. It’s all just too much.

It gets my goat a bit that women seem to take it all on in most households. I remember my Mum being exactly the same and I don’t want the kids to just remember Christmas as me getting stressed.

My DH buys and wraps presents for his side of the family and writes the cards to send to his side too. He also cooks on Christmas Day. Basically he takes the lead with his side of the family and I do with my side. I'm happy with it.

I'm not sure. I think in some families, yes. In others it's the person who cares about having the perfect Christmas Day who does the work, while those who don't care about presents and would rather just get a takeaway with Christmas chocolate and Baileys for pudding are made to feel guilty.

With my parents, my father does almost all the cooking, while complaining about the lack of help, but micromanages if you do help.
It's just me and my 14 year old DS this year. We are ordering a curry.

It’s fairly evenly split here though I take a bit more of the mental load, though I’m a Type A controlling harridan personality and DH has ADHD so it’s less a gender thing, I think. I think we’re probably not the norm in terms of splitting Christmas because your complaint sounds familiar, but we do:

I menu plan and list what we need, he organises the shops and we split the cooking/clear-up
I buy, wrap and post for my side and he does his
Thank you cards are split the same way and we both keep track of DD’s gifts from family
I demand a tree, he goes and gets it
He gets the decs from the loft, I decorate it
We organise DD’s Christmas stuff (her nursery seem to be doing a Christmas “thing” daily) haphazardly between us
I sing jaunty Christmas songs badly like a broken jukebox from mid-November, eat all the chocolate by December 1st, and keep up morale; DH cosplays as the Grinch

I project manage but delegate well.

The main argument normally used to come on the 23rd when I have a list of jobs that need doing and DH started doing non essential ones that weren't on the list.

We have sorted a way round it though now finally. He can review the list and add things to it before we start, and we agree a priority order.

I agree somewhat. But I think it depends on what your standards are.

I could potentially leave my husband to sort Christmas, and he would do it. It just wouldn't be as good as if I did it.

So I take the 'burden' because I want to.

I think it's as much work as you make it tbh. We don't buy presents for anyone apart from ourselves and our dc (and I chip in with my siblings to buy something for my mum) so we don't have that hassle and expense. Dh & I sort our dc's gifts out together. I enjoy wrapping presents so I do that.

We both put the trees up and let the dc decorate them. We have artificial trees and the same baubles etc every year so it's not as though we have to arrange a special event to get a tree.

Dh cooks Xmas dinner, and it's just the 4 of us so we don't have to think about other people's needs or wants. We go food shopping together and it's not much different from a normal food shop.

Xmas events like going to a light up night or going to see Santa just happen. They don't take any organisation. School stuff is put up on dojo and we both have access to that so both see the reminders meaning it doesn't just fall to me.

It's meant to be fun, not work.

I do the gifts, DH does all the cooking.

Last year I had a Christmas meltdown.

My job is really busy in December, and involved lots of Christmas themed organisation. I was also working Saturdays. My eldest child seemed to have a Christmas play, carol service or convert every week (she was in two choirs and two orchestras pre Covid and does other activities on top of that)

My youngest was a non sleeping,just toddling 15 month old. We had playgroup parties to attend and in one case organise. We had elderly relatives who wanted visiting throughout the season as they wanted to see the baby.

We have lots of people to buy for. I am the only one in the house who drives.

I am, and always have been, in favour of a simple Christmas. Crisp walks in the woods, making wreaths and paper chains, baking and listening to carols.

But last year, oh my God. I was exhausted. I spent all of December like a blue arsed fly. I had no time to just have down time with my family. Literally not a minute. And my DH, who is absolutely one of the good ones and who more than pulls his weight the rest of the year - just didn't see it. Total blind spot where Christmas was concerned. I do enjoy the preparation usually so he probably assumed all was well and didn't appreciate how manic my life suddenly was.

Long story short, on Christmas day I caught a bug and soldiered on for the sake of the children. On Boxing day DH caught the bug in a milder form and went to bed. I fucking went mental at him, absolutely mental. Couldn't look at him. Was done with Christmas.

This year I dropped the part of my job which required the Christmas prep and have delegated much of the present buying and wrapping to DH along with sundry other festive tasks. Covid has taken care of the events, though I do miss them - we just had to go to so many.

DH really is a sweetheart and was gutted when he realised how exhausted I was and how much effort it all took. So basically I think YANBU and it's largely because even otherwise decent men have had mothers who "do Christmas" - in many cases because they enjoy it to be fair - and they simply don't realise how much work it can actually be.

The only thing I do extra is wrapping kids presents from Santa, apart from that its even

I think it’s a fairly even split in my house. He does the food and I do the presents and cards etc. I’m not going to do cards this year. One thing less to arrange - and will save me hassle of buying, writing and posting. We don’t do elf in the shelf or matching pyjamas etc... so again less stuff to think about and plan.
yes there’s things to remember from kids’ schools but a lot less this year.
Only take on what you want to do.
I think a lot of women do take on more than their fair share but likewise a lot of people do take on unnecessary stuff and Christmas becomes a stress and the lead up is not enjoyable at all.

I feel like school usually crank up the hysteria/excitement/work and they haven't this year so it's much easier.

I also think that people saying 'don't do it' or 'cards are waste of time' are undervaluing the work that's been done for years and years to keep relationships and connections between people - basically, society- going. Work done by women, in the main.

I did think I heard a sigh of collective female relief when Christmas was all but cancelled and then a groan as it was resurrected.

It only falls on the women who accept it. Just make it clear to his family that he was responsible.

Yes, it's definitely me that does it all. I'm no longer taking responsibility for presents etc for his side of the family - which generally means they get fuck all. All adults though so hopefully they understand. It makes me a bit sad but with two young kids and a job I kind of have to focus my attention where it's needed.

I do all the cooking but I don't go super fancy. Normal roast and premade starter and puds.

Surely there is far less to do this year.
Dh does all the cooking, food shopping, food prep. He lost his job so he does all the cleaning. This year is the first year in ages that I have written cards and I only do then for people I haven't seen all year.
I think you need to delegate or ease back. Nobody is hosting for lots of people this year or visiting lots of different houses so it should be much easier.

Nope. My DH gets fully involved. Is great at picking presents, remembers christmas jumper day, advent calendars and all the rest. Part of the reason I married him as he's like this across everything ie not useless.

Not here.

I would never organise presents for Dh family. Not my responsibility. We shop for the children together as he knows what they like just as much as I do. He sorts and cooks all the Christmas food, decorations etc.

Mainly because I'm the Grinch though and he loves Christmas. I only go along with it for the kids and pretend to love it all in front of them.

But I'm dying inside

I'm relaxed on the day because he cooks but the run up is all me. He will buy presents but only when instructed on what to buy and where from.

@ThePlantsitter I think you’re completely right about the no cards thing undervaluing a very lovely tradition and way of keeping connections going.

There’s something very special about arranging to send my friend in Oz a card which an electronic message cannot replace. Equally my Mum and Dad who aren’t in the best of health have some wonderful friends who really support them throughout the year and a note to them at Christmas is well worth a little bit of extra effort for me I think.

Wow, even when men are useless it’s still womens’ fault according to some. Brilliant.

DH does almost bugger all for Christmas. He has to do his own family’s gifts and mine, and collect food after I’ve ordered it. That’s basically it. I didn’t mind before we had kids - I ran my own business which was very flexible so had the time. Now it’s a bit of a grind to be honest. He’s not very organised though, and that goes for work as well as home - he’s generally a last minute person and as we know this doesn’t work well for Christmas if you want specific things. I do find it a bit frustrating but there we are. To be fair he probably wouldn’t care if a lot of it didn’t happen, and our kids have no concept of Christmas so it’s no like things have to be a certain way for them. I love Christmas though so

I too had an argument recently with my husband about this. I'm probably being a Christmas martyr though. I honestly like doing it most of the time, but there is never any recognition that it's been done, by me, single-handed. I work from home and he doesn't, so it has been much easier this year than others, but still a lot of work. More annoying is his attitude to things like Christmas Jumper Day or PTA activities. He wouldn't really even think about these as he wouldn't really see that the kids would be upset to miss out.

@SinkGirl I was trying to make your last point, but you said it better. I don't think my husband would mind if a lot of what we did don't get done, so I do it.

I think it depends on the family. My parents it was definitely all my Mum.

With us kids both my husband and my brothers do an equal share. My husband does all of the wrapping up and usually him and one of my brothers does the cooking on Christmas Day for 15 of us.

I’m conscious that I created a lot of my Christmas burdens myself, so while it’s frustrating that I have so much on, I can’t really blame DH for not pulling his weight, when I was enjoying it originally.
This year, I am realising that I m finding it more of a chore than fun, so I’ve been thinking about ways to cut down. For a start off, our nieces and nephews are that bit older than they will appreciate vouchers or money, so that will cut down. I give DH the tasks that I think he can handle and that I’d be okay with if they don’t go to plan (cracker buying, writing a few Christmas cards) and actually he does the Christmas dinner, so I get to enjoy a big chunk of the actual day myself.
I totally agree that it’s stressful, but it seems every year that a new thing is added. Advent calendars, Christmas Eve boxes (which I don’t bother with), gifts for extended family and friends, pantomimes, school plays, Santa visits. We can make the choice to scale back and focus on what we would enjoy most and that’s what I suggest you do. And if gift buying for your DH is hard, maybe sit and plan a date night or weekend away together, jointly funded, so that you’re rewarded for all your hard work after Christmas.

The Christmas martyrs annoy me. Mainly because a lot of stuff they complain about is needless and pointless and they're fools in my opinion for buying into it.

Christmas cards and presents for people they haven't spoken to in six months.
Getting an expensive present for the relative who buys everyone a Toblerone from the pound shop.
Decorating the house and putting it on Instagram.
Buying presents for the in laws when your DP says not to bother.

So much of what people do for Christmas is about making themselves look good and worrying about what others think, rather than any enjoyment.