To feel like the burden of Christmas always falls on women?

[Fallingrain]

Just that really. I do a full time job, run a business on the side and I always get so frazzled at this time of year. There is just so much to do. DH isn’t useless but I couldn’t trust him to remember stuff like Christmas jumper day at school. I absolutely accept that I’m very lucky to afford a cleaner and we don’t have financial worries but I still get to Christmas and I feel like I’ve run a marathon. The cards, stockings, school stuff, gifts for family and friends, Christmas food and planning catering etc. It’s all just too much.

It gets my goat a bit that women seem to take it all on in most households. I remember my Mum being exactly the same and I don’t want the kids to just remember Christmas as me getting stressed.

Why do you put that burden on yourself in the first place?

The amount of obsession with Christmas and turning it into a competitive sport is ridiculous at this stage.

Define burden.

I love doing the shopping for stockings and the cooking and baking. Quite glad DH isnt getting in my way on it

I do most of it but that's my choice as I enjoy it.

I think it all depends on who you choose to marry to be honest.

@Requinblanc

Why do you put that burden on yourself in the first place?

The amount of obsession with Christmas and turning it into a competitive sport is ridiculous at this stage.

In our household nothing would happen if I didn't sort the majority of it. My DH hates Christmas (I'm not the biggest fan either) but we have a young child so it's not really fair on him to ignore it completely as my husband would do!

We have zero competition and limit everyone to the same set amount of £20 (might seem cheap but when my brother has 5 kids it soon adds up!) other than our son who gets £50 spent on him and my husband and I generally buy something that we need in the black Friday sales..... Last year it was a dyson this year its a tent extension!

I’ve made it easy. No cards anymore. I know it’s different in that we have no kids, and we stopped buying for the adults, the two children in the family get a sack each, and I don’t wrap anything. We both shop for the food and my husband cooks, but Christmas is a relaxed day here. This year it’s even more relaxed!! It’s the one day of the year when we should be relaxing but instead it’s the most stressful!

I used to feel this way, but over the years we’ve learnt to play to our strengths.

I’m a planner, like everything sorted early, nothing hanging over me. He’s a just in time person. So I do placing the grocery orders, buying presents and wrapping them (my favourite bit!). He collects all the various orders and does all cooking over Christmas.

The only major His Problem bit is buying for his parents because they are hard work and he used to ‘Yes, But’ all my gift suggestions.

My dad has always shared the burden of it. I don’t know if my mum does the main presents - she does the finances in their household but I’d be very shocked if my dad didn’t take on an active role in this. He also cooks all the food and serves everyone drinks etc and organises all the buying of the food - across Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day he usually cooks three massive amazing meals and caters everyone’s breakfasts etc too. Bless him. I think in general it falls to women a lot but my parents have always shared things equally.

@funtimefrank

My brother used to wind me up over Christmas- he'd rock up on Christmas Eve with presents he'd bought that day (often from the airport). No thought but he'd like the celebration. To be fair to him he'd help cook, make Christmas tea for everyone and tidy up but my mum would have done all the thinking to get there.

Me and dh split quite well. I make lists and we do them together. I do his family gifts but I either talk to sil for the kids or we talk it through together. We both do the buying for dds - he gets the twitch something terrible!

He does the house jobs, pre visit tidying etc. He does the decorations up and down. I plan the food and he buys most of it although I do the final shop on the 23rd (he drops me off and picks me up).

I do cook though but that's because I enjoy it. We get the kids to tidy up.

It sounds like your brother did his share?

It depends on what kind of Xmas you have. It’s just me and DH this year do we will just chill out. Once Dd is here, I suspect we’ll divide jobs. Women need to stand firm and get their partners/older children to pitch in.

A few years back I was turning myself inside out for Xmas. Made everything from scratch (mincemeat, cake, pickles etc) bought presents for all my husbands side. Wrote mounds of cards, hosted 14 for dinner etc etc.
I just got so sick and tired of it and spent nov/Dec constantly anxious.

So now I've stripped cards right back to older relatives who still like them. Buy everything pre made from M&S, husband buys for his side. I buy all other pressies but he wraps them all. It's made a lot less onerous

I wanted to vote YABU because that's not the case for me. I do however do most of the wrapping just because I'm home more. I'll also do a bigger than usual clean of the house a couple of days before while he takes the kids out for the day. Which is great for me because it's a couple of hours doing jobs with an audiobook or some music and then relaxing for the rest of the day in a quiet house before the madness begins!

However I also wanted to say you're not BU because it does seem the norm for women to do most of the work. It makes me really angry reading threads on here where someone is running about having to sort out her OHs family with gifts as well as the house, children, dinner etc. Then the lazy sod can't even get her a half decent gift and wrap it!

If it bothers you op, or anyone, just split it. If you're in a relationship then you share responsibility and tasks, I never understand why a grown woman can't tell her partner to pick up their share.

I'm rubbish at organising so me and DH write on a whiteboard on the fridge dates to remember (Christmas jumper day, parties, visits booked etc), agree in advance who will do what- this year I did most of the gift shopping and wrapping because I had a couple of weeks between jobs so had time but he's doing the food shop. He got the tree out of the loft, I decorated with DD, we'll split cleaning as we go. If we were at home for Xmas lunch I'd cook and DH would wash up.

It's really not that hard if you communicate. 'oh my dh is useless, he wouldn't be able to do x, y, z' or 'he just won't do it' are not acceptable IMO, if a grown ass man can't wash a dish or wrap a gift LTB, it's not worth it.

But this happens for one main reason. You allow it to.

My theory about Christmas is that if any of it is not fun, then stop doing it.

DH and I have a no-gift agreement with all our siblings and their offspring.

We buy for each other, our children, our parents, and a couple more. We have a Google sheet that we both contribute to listing ideas and things we've actually bought.

No Christmas Eve boxes.

We have lots of Christmas bags that we use instead of wrapping paper, so we just get those out each year, drop the presents in, and label them.

We order a nice piece of beef from the supermarket but other than that don't buy much extra food. We'll have a nice roast dinner on Christmas Day - we'll cook it together.

No idea who will do the food shopping. I used to do most of it but DH is perfectly capable so he may well.

DH shopped for crackers because I forgot (more difficult to buy here in the US).

I like making mincemeat and mince pies and boiled fruit cake so I'll do that at some point.

No cards.

No matching PJs or any of that bollocks.

At some point DH will haul home a tree, the children will decorate it.

DH puts up the lights in the garden. He wasn't bothering with it for a while but our neighbours said how much they enjoy seeing them, so he's much more diligent about it now (we like our neighbours a lot).

We don't do much in the way of Christmas parties. The kids are usually in concerts so we'll go and see them, but that's not happening this year.

DH has booked for us to go and do a painting thing because DD loves it so much.

I've booked for us to go and see some Christmas lights a couple of days after Christmas.

No one is feeling stressed. If they were then we'd think about why, and probably drop a few things.

Nope we share the tasks. I get a bit obsessive about the food so do most of the cooking. But one year I got bad food poisoning on Christmas Eve so DH had to do it.

The only frustrating thing is that he is more last minute -y than me so I have to accept things won't get done as early.

[quote Fallingrain]@hamsterchump I agree with you and I made a stand a few years ago about him buying his family gifts and doing their cards. I suppose the issue comes because I don’t want the kids to miss out or his family to think I’m crap because I haven’t done something. I think it boils down to him just not being that proactive. So as someone else said, by the time he’d think to look at M and S for food, it’s sold out. It’s not really the main things. It’s the thousand little bits like stocking fillers, or making sure the kids have the clothes they need for Christmas parties.[/quote]
Who cares what his family thinks? I don't get involved in the slightest in buying cards and gifts for DH's family. Why would I - he doesn't buy for mine?

Also things like Christmas jumper day or other school stuff, just get a big calendar and input it with an alarm a couple of weeks before or something. We keep reminding each other of these things- argh it's Christmas jumper day soon- and one of us orders something at some point. This year I bought one. Last year he did and actually he bought a Christmas onesie for the baby.

People do have low expectations of men who probably have successful careers requiring them to remember or diarise things.

I do a lot of stuff

but I don't think it's a burden

Deciding what to buy for presents is fun

Writing cards is fun

Going shopping in the semi-darkness is fun

Buying interesting food is fun

maybe I'm just weird...

"always" ?
that's an almighty generalisation.
come on, how much of that statement is self-imposed martyrdom?
I don't mind a messy house or a lazy Christmas.
We don't buy a lot of gifts, just some.
DH has to look after gifts, cards, etc. sent to his relatives (mine don't expect or get any)
I don't need any traditional Christmas meal, it won't happen most years in our house.
I help get the tree out of the loft but DC decorate it (after they ask for it).

I am not running any Christmas marathons.

Others can make other choices to get the Christmas experience they want.

I’m the useless one in our family. My partner is the one who makes it special. I book all our holidays though, so are we even?

We don't make it stressful. DP is handling the food side but I'll help.. don't cook much from scratch so that's easier.. he helped find kids presents, we buy for each other, I decorate.
I did the school cards and sorted the christmas jumpers. I'll wrap but I love that.
We don't buy for extended family which makes it so much easier.
On the day we're just gonna play and eat.
Some people make it more stressful than it needs to be.. or in your case you're expecting too much of yourself, you have a job and a business.

My husbnd does nothing at all except pay for it! He pays for all my whims and stupid ideas and never complains! Well he does have a little moan when he reckons its the only time of year he spends a couple of grand with only crap jumpers and socks to show for it !!!! He doesnt care what I do,what I buy,who gets what and where from he just picks up the tab. I love that guy!!!!

Agreed but I think a lot of men just aren't bothered by it as much. My late mum used to do loads at Christmas, sort presents, cards etc and get really stressed and resentful. When my dad took over, it was very minimal - cards only to schoolmates, and just a chicken for Christmas dinner and sometimes even a takeaway! But we (kids, a little older) didn't mind and to be honest preferred chilling out watching movies than having to go anywhere, do things at certain times or sit down to a 3 course meal that I didn't even like half of. We just had what we looked.
I do now enjoy some of the pomp and flare of Christmas, and did miss that aspect. But it wasn't worth all the stress.

I buy all the DC's gifts. DH cooks on the day and puts up the decs.

Fail split imo, especially since I stopped writing his family's Christmas cards...