To feel like the burden of Christmas always falls on women?

[Fallingrain]

Just that really. I do a full time job, run a business on the side and I always get so frazzled at this time of year. There is just so much to do. DH isn’t useless but I couldn’t trust him to remember stuff like Christmas jumper day at school. I absolutely accept that I’m very lucky to afford a cleaner and we don’t have financial worries but I still get to Christmas and I feel like I’ve run a marathon. The cards, stockings, school stuff, gifts for family and friends, Christmas food and planning catering etc. It’s all just too much.

It gets my goat a bit that women seem to take it all on in most households. I remember my Mum being exactly the same and I don’t want the kids to just remember Christmas as me getting stressed.

Completely agree @Woohoowoowoo

I don't really understand the whole "his side of the family is not my reasonability". If you don't get on with them, fair enough. But my in laws are my family too. I've been with my husband since my late teens. My mother in law has always welcomed me into the family. She was on the end of the phone when I was struggling with my newborn, she used to come and mind my babies so I could sleep, when I went back to work she looked after them for me. She cooks dinner for us once a week. My sister in laws and I are great friends and meet up independently of our husbands. I adore my nephew and feel the same about him as I will my own sister's children.

If you took the fact they were in laws away, I would definitely buy them presents! DH is unfortunately completely useless, although he is extremely loveable 😁. There is no way I would leave them presentless, because they are important to me too!

The Christmas martyrs annoy me. Mainly because a lot of stuff they complain about is needless and pointless and they're fools in my opinion for buying into it.

I agree

Dealing with kids and schools requirements: not optional (even if it's not mandatory, it's really shit for your kids to be the only ones missing out or left out).

It's not fair for anyone to expect and demand things done and not lift a finger.

But not being bothered by small details and refusing to waste your time with them sounds pretty healthy to me.

There are so many threads about men (usually men) doing things but not doing them right and being moaned or mocked. If my DH was complaining about the way I am wrapping presents, the kind of ham I bought and the brand of christmas pudding, I would tell him to fuck off and do it himself!

You can do all your present shopping, get it wrapped and delivered in one evening from your sofa with a glass of wine.

At Christmas, I have to remember everyone's gifts, everyone's cards, every school jumper day, school play, school finishing time (3DC at 3 different schools) wrap them all, plan for and purchase and then cook Christmas dinner.
I can't see anything on that list that has to be done. If, as a partnership, you both decide any of them should be done, then divvy it up.

Only if you let it. We have no help like cleaners and just split the tasks. We have always shared the load both financially and household wise as I wanted an equal in a partner.

Christmas is just a day or two, it only creates masses of extra work if you allow it too.

If DH couldn’t read a date on the calendar that said jumper needed I’d be really worried, it’s hardly onerous or rocket science

It is a joint effort here with the present buying. My DH cooks the Christmas Dinner, but we all help do bits so he isn't stuck in the kitchen.

I loved Christmas until I became a full time working mother of 2 and now I dislike it - I hate Christmas dinner and I’m a bit of an extroverted introvert so the forced social interaction is wearying. My husband LOVES Christmas but I diy think he has a clue how it actually happens.

@Woohoowoowoo

The Christmas martyrs annoy me. Mainly because a lot of stuff they complain about is needless and pointless and they're fools in my opinion for buying into it.

Christmas cards and presents for people they haven't spoken to in six months.
Getting an expensive present for the relative who buys everyone a Toblerone from the pound shop.
Decorating the house and putting it on Instagram.
Buying presents for the in laws when your DP says not to bother.

So much of what people do for Christmas is about making themselves look good and worrying about what others think, rather than any enjoyment.

Absolutely bang on

I'll do the cards for his mom (aka write the envelopes for 20 friends she sends to) but it's up to him re tree and dinner. And that's a problem. He wants a real tree (as usual) despite having bought a beautiful artificial one a few years back. He can't decide where to put it, delays until it's a big issue on the 23rd. he's organising the big meal despite my offer to help and will no doubt end up shouting when he realises a beef rib roast and turkey can't go in the oven at the same time as parsnips, roasties, yorkshires etc. I've only once in 30 years been "allowed" to do a Christmas dinner I would like but because that wasn't what he thinks is right he has taken over and always gets upset. Only year it wasn't like that was in 2019 when we were in a hotel for the holidays. Much easier.

I think a lot of it is pressure from marketing agencies. I remember back in the day when my grandma made everything herself food wise, and I mean everything. I had to help peel the onions which were pickled and stored in jars. I stirred the home made Christmas pudding and remember hoping I would get lucky that year and find a sixpence in my portion. She made the Christmas cake from scratch earlier on in the year and stored it. Mum would then I've it and decorate it again using self made decorations. Nuts had to be cracked open yourself, probably one of the reasons we were all so thin as by the tenth attempt at trying to crack the shell on a wallnut and failing you had exerted so many calaries and consumed none.
Shops also closed so my family had to plan around closures and make sure we had enough to eat but not too much as it would go off, no extra freezer space in those days. I guess those were stressful times. Nowadays you can get food 24/7 already done without having to leave your front room. No need for all this extra stress about whether you can get the trifle from M&S or if your outdoor lights will be up to scratch. Nobody cares, seriously.

Women let it happen to themselves. Obviously if women are In a relationship with an abuser the there is fear involved. But you are actually describing something else.

I have never been like this but it all stems from women being allotted the role of carer, home maker and also women buying in to the societal expectation of being nice all the bloody time.

I remember a woman I worked with would make home made mincemeat and then beribbon them beautifully and make very nice home made labels.and give them to lots of us at work. Did it make me like her more or admire her more, not at all.

DH Mother was always in charge of doing everything for Christmas, she was a SAHM and his Father had to fly to Europe every week so he had a massive shock when I said write your own Christmas cards.

I’m very much I will do what I want, it given me a lifetime of people thinking I’m odd or selfish. I’m not selfish I’m just not a martyr and have also never given a shit what people think of me.

I totally agree and it drives me mad. I’m currently 30 weeks pregnant with #2 and after doing everything last year on top of working full time with a 3yo I suggested that we order in Xmas lunch from a local catering company so it could all be bunged in the oven with no prep. DH was aghast at the idea and swore blind he’d “do Xmas dinner”. The problem being of course that he has started thinking about Xmas in the last week or so whereas food needed to be ordered over a month ago. He still promises he’ll do it all, but fails to understand that the lions share of the work is the meal planning, recipe research, food ordering, doing the shopping, finding space for it all in the freezer etc etc. It is not just about peeling the potatoes on Xmas eve 🤯 This year he has been responsible for buying presents for me and his parents and I’ve left him to it completely but I suspect this means that instead of sharing the load of cleaning/changing beds/peeling the sodding potatoes on Xmas eve he will still frantically be buying and wrapping presents. My brother on the other hand who is coming to us for Xmas has offered to make and bring dinner for Xmas eve, canapés for Xmas day and generally be helpful, but then my mother made sure my brother helped out at home when we were growing up, as opposed to my MIL who still treats DH as a little prince to be waited on hand and foot. Sigh.

My brother on the other hand who is coming to us for Xmas has offered to make and bring dinner for Xmas eve, canapés for Xmas day and generally be helpful, but then my mother made sure my brother helped out at home when we were growing up, as opposed to my MIL who still treats DH as a little prince to be waited on hand and foot. Sigh.

There is definitely something in this. DH is 6 years older than BIL and his parents worked shifts, he does as much of the 'mental load' stuff as I do, probably because he had to do a lot for himself and his younger brother when he was a teen.
I have 2DSs, DS2 is a baby but the 4.5 year old has to (age appropriately) help out - I don't want someone complaining about him on mumsnet in 2.5 years time

25 obviously

Absolutely agree OP. In particular I get really aggrieved at having the choice between (a) buying and wrapping all the hugely expensive presents dh's grabby family deamand or (b) buying and wrapping them more reasonably priced presents or (c) not bothering and telling dh to do it (which he doesn't so they get nothing) - when I go for (b) or (c )I am apparently (according to his family) really awful etc etc, when I go for (a) dh is am amazing, thoughtful guy and no one remembers/notices I have done it all. Either way I get given tea towels or pretty packets of salt.

It’s your choice what you do.

My brother used to wind me up over Christmas- he'd rock up on Christmas Eve with presents he'd bought that day (often from the airport). No thought but he'd like the celebration. To be fair to him he'd help cook, make Christmas tea for everyone and tidy up but my mum would have done all the thinking to get there.

Me and dh split quite well. I make lists and we do them together. I do his family gifts but I either talk to sil for the kids or we talk it through together. We both do the buying for dds - he gets the twitch something terrible!

He does the house jobs, pre visit tidying etc. He does the decorations up and down. I plan the food and he buys most of it although I do the final shop on the 23rd (he drops me off and picks me up).

I do cook though but that's because I enjoy it. We get the kids to tidy up.

Oh and he does all the wrapping except his own pressies

Yep! A few years ago I took a stand and refused to buy his family presents but he goes into a huff about it whenever I ask him.

So far I have sorted our sons Christmas, his stocking, his birthday (it's January so usually do it in advance) his nephew (because I was ordering from the same website) wrapped everything up and sorted socially distance meet ups with his family.

So far my husband has gone into a huff 3 times when reminded that if he wants stuff to arrive he better order soon.....

YANBU
Not always the case but definitely almost always the female in the household.

Are you enabling your male partner
Are you teaching your sons to be better

Are we females secretly smug/ superior at 'doing it all'

It's inbuilt in our culture unfortunately

Written by a totally stressed yet organised single mum who does EVERYTHING as it's just me. But would probably be doing it all anyway like I did when I was married

We no longer write cards except for one to my parents who we won't see over Christmas. DH's parents are both dead now.

We don't buy gifts for the wider family either, nor they for us. Only for ourselves and our own three DDs.

Normally we go out for Christmas Dinner to a local restaurant and are booked to go there again this year but with the farting about over who will yet move into tier 3 I've no idea what will happen now. I may yet have to cook it, but that won't be an issue. If so then I will buy in as much ready prepared as possible.

It's as onerous as you let it be.

Is there really any need for all this name calling? Just because someone has ended up in this position doesn’t mean they’re a martyr, it’s such a derogatory way of talking about other women. Great for you if you’ve managed to avoid it, but it’s very simplistic to state that all women who do the majority of work at Christmas are being martyrs.

My dh used to let me sort everything but then I had a meltdown and now we do most things together.

We do keep it very simple. We only buy for our own family and close relatives. Also, dh is now responsible for his own parents and after chasing him up a few times for the past few years I have told him that I have enough on my plate and I will no longer be reminding him. Unfortunately that means that they now mostly get nothing and I think they blame me for this but he is their son and literally only buys for them and our dc (which we do together) so if he can’t manage that it’s on him. I refuse to accept responsibility now.

My husband is pretty good. He does all the cooking and sorts the food and shopping out himself. He buys presents for his side of the family but I wrap them (I like wrapping presents). I buy most of the kids presents and wrap them but he does have some input. I see to decorating but he does all of the cooking and cleans over the Christmas hols as he’s off work. It’s very much a team effort. My mum always sorted Christmas growing up and my dad didn’t do much. He’s always done a lot of the cooking but only if it didn’t interfere with the pub. 🙁

@cherrypie790, it shouldn’t but your post did make me laugh. My DH is the same, complaining about the expense but not making any alternative ideas/plans and then declaring it “has to change” but doing absolutely nothing about it.