To feel like the burden of Christmas always falls on women?

[Fallingrain]

Just that really. I do a full time job, run a business on the side and I always get so frazzled at this time of year. There is just so much to do. DH isn’t useless but I couldn’t trust him to remember stuff like Christmas jumper day at school. I absolutely accept that I’m very lucky to afford a cleaner and we don’t have financial worries but I still get to Christmas and I feel like I’ve run a marathon. The cards, stockings, school stuff, gifts for family and friends, Christmas food and planning catering etc. It’s all just too much.

It gets my goat a bit that women seem to take it all on in most households. I remember my Mum being exactly the same and I don’t want the kids to just remember Christmas as me getting stressed.

Martyring yourself "for your family" is not love or any kind of expression thereof.

It's just being a pain in the arse.

If you don't want to do it, don't.

It absolutely doesfall on women. Year round my husband and I are pretty equal in terms of work, chores and childcare...but 90 per cent of Christmas falls on me. He does tasks, but it's still me who has to delegate them! Every year I end up a frazzled mess having spent weeks writing and ticking jobs off lists. It's the mental load that's the killer. But I know if I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done. And the thought of hurt parents, disappointed kids and a lacklustre dinner is just too awful. So I resign myself to getting through it and dream of becoming a Jehovah's Witness!

I agree that the burden usually falls on women. Part of the problem is that we have been conditioned to to do Christmas 'properly' we need loads of stuff that's actually unnecessary (and more of it each year). Then women have been conditioned to believe that a) men can't possibly be expected to take responsibility for any of it (backed up by men failing to do so and the usual men can't multi task etc etc crap), and b) if it doesn't happen it's a reflection on them (and not the men in the family). So plenty of women would quite like a less stressful Christmas but feel that they will be judged and will spoil things for everyone else if they don't have cards for everyone they've ever met, tasteful decorations, tidy house, thoughtful and carefully wrapped presents for everyone, elaborate food, loads of activities for the DC, elf on the shelf, PTA events, homemade everything, etc etc etc.

Personally, for a number of reasons I have had to leave a lot of the Christmas preparations to DH for several years and actually it's been quite an eye opener. Some years Christmas cards have either not been sent or have been hastily done at the last minute. Sometimes presents for extended family have been rather generic. When DH shops and cooks Christmas dinner is a simpler affair and more of the trimmings are shop bought etc. But no one seems to care.

I think martyrs truly deserve the crap they complain about. There is nothing superior or extra special that a martyr does. They enable every useless person around them.
In our house, dh and I share all jobs. I would never tolerate anyone useless.

@JillofTrades

I think martyrs truly deserve the crap they complain about. There is nothing superior or extra special that a martyr does. They enable every useless person around them. In our house, dh and I share all jobs. I would never tolerate anyone useless.

I do get weary of the same old complaints. Stop enabling or stop whinging.

I do have sympathy if you have a very tight budget - it does make everything extra work.

But when you are comfortable, can order most of the things online, and keep physical chores to the bare minimum, why on earth are you ruining your own Christmas by being a martyr!

I don't even get the "stress" about the school-related things. Buy a calendar, set one up on your phone and just get things done as you receive them, and book the relevant days. Unless you have 15 kids, what is it to stress about!

And if you are wasting time on MN like the rest of us, don't pretend you are so "busy" - clearly you are not...

Mrs Hinch summed it up for me the other day - she’s sat on the floor faffing around wrapping presents with silk ribbons and little springs of plastic holly and he’s sat on the sofa, boots up on the table watching the football - ffs

Mrs Hinch's scam of a career depends not only on her doing that nonsense but in convincing other women that they need to. Otherwise where would her audience and income go!

Presents have to be bought, food has got to be cooked (unless you opt out of the whole thing)

But not everything has to be done in the kind of OTT, perfectly matchy-matchy, Instagrammable way that makes it such a burden. I'd bet that a majority of the things women put themselves under pressure to deliver at Christmas are things no one else in the household cares about (which is why no one else helps).

Everybody would have a much better time without a stressed out wife and mother running around like a headless chicken.

So true. My mother was a Christmas martyr and her stress permeated the whole day. It was a vicious cycle of not letting anyone else relax because she couldn't relax, except she couldn't relax because she was so actively intent on finding new things that had to be done that couldn't have mattered less. There was never a point at which everything was done to her satisfaction.

It's all very well saying 'don't martyr yourself' but that's like saying 'don't be oppressed' really. It's not all that easy to throw off years of social conditioning.

As an example I often get out of Christmas hosting because I'm veggie (I have cooked turkey for others but I suspect it's not v good), but at my wedding I didn't want to be given away by my dad and he agreed with me right until the last minute when suddenly he really, really wanted to. He was ill and he asked me directly. What was I supposed to say? Just like all those normally older relatives who want xmas traditions to be followed and did it for you when you were small... it's not that easy to say 'no' to people you love.

@ThePlantSitter

So long as he didn't give you away like the dad in Muriel's wedding- "She's all yours, mate"

Not in my family no.

DH buys for male friends and his half of the family.

He wrote abd sent all xmas cards.

Wrapped the kids presents.

I've done lots too, but it's pretty balanced

It's all very well saying 'don't martyr yourself' but that's like saying 'don't be oppressed' really. It's not all that easy to throw off years of social conditioning.

Then if you’re not prepared to be part of the struggle, accept the status quo and your role as traditional female. Change is rarely easy and comfortable, especially if you are attempting to address inequalities as the less equal individual. But how else can it be achieved?

Yes I snapped at my dd today because she wouldn't get ready for school then bawled in the car !! I think we want everything to be so perfect we stress ourselves out.

Haven’t RTFT, but no, I’m our case it doesn’t. We share it equally (I do my family’s cards, he does his, we plan the food and cook together. I generally buy gifts and decorate but that’s because I enjoy doing it).

But I absolutely won’t be drawn into any kind of wifework or any kind of obligation to do anything at Christmas that I don’t actually want to do. We don’t do gifts for anyone in the family, although sometimes we’ll do a secret Santa if everyone is getting together over Christmas. My children are older now and we only do token gifts for Christmas because out of the 4 of us the other 3 but me all have their birthdays in Nov/Dec which we make more of a fuss over.

I definitely do the lion's share of Xmas prep, but part of that is because I love it. DH is much more of a last minute, buy whatever is on their wish list kind of person, whereas I like to plan quite a far way in advance, start thinking of ideas for things in the summer and start a little list that I keep going. Ideally, my shopping would be done by the end of November, to allow December to attend all the various events that would normally be on, do Xmas cards, plan the food etc, but I usually don't quite manage it (especially if I then get a mid-late December request from a child!!).

Because of fewer events this year, it does mean I've had a bit more time to really enjoy the planning (even baked a load of Xmas biscuits yesterday , and hand printed our Xmas cards this year - actually DD did the hard work, I just wrote the messages inside).

DH is perfectly capable, but Xmas would be very predictable, a last minute rush, and an 'it'll do' type of affair, whereas I want it to be beautiful, not rushed, and filled with love.

Giving myself lots and lots of time has been the key. Oh and DH does everything to do with his side of the family (although I was kind this year and did his cards), as they do Xmas very differently - strict purchasing lists, strict budgets, strict timetables, stressy cooking. I prefer things a bit more fluid and chilled.

by the way, we often copy the behavior of our mothers on a subconscious level. I compare myself and my mother, for example, also always on the run and does everything by herself. to have time for everything yesterday - the slogan of life

@Fallingrain

Just that really. I do a full time job, run a business on the side and I always get so frazzled at this time of year. There is just so much to do. DH isn’t useless but I couldn’t trust him to remember stuff like Christmas jumper day at school. I absolutely accept that I’m very lucky to afford a cleaner and we don’t have financial worries but I still get to Christmas and I feel like I’ve run a marathon. The cards, stockings, school stuff, gifts for family and friends, Christmas food and planning catering etc. It’s all just too much.

It gets my goat a bit that women seem to take it all on in most households. I remember my Mum being exactly the same and I don’t want the kids to just remember Christmas as me getting stressed.

Having reread the OP I think you’ve hit the nail on the head - in many cases women take too much on of their own volition. This then teaches the next generation of women that this is a woman’s lot in life...

Obviously we all want to have a lovely Christmas and especially when the children are little we want it to be magical, but I absolutely do not believe in martyring oneself to motherhood and wifework. I don’t really know what the solution is because my DH is one of those who absolutely can be relied on to remember important things and to do his fair share. But there must be a way to either get your DH on board to carry some things (and let him carry them!) or to let go of certain things that aren’t actually important. Stress and exhaustion do not a happy Christmas make.

I'm with @Ohalrightthen

Sorry but you just said he isn;t useless and then followed it up with quite possibly the easiest thing ever!!! He is more than capable of keeping diaries and I'm sure doesnt forget his own work commitments or a day out with his mates...

I'm like you, I always take on everything myself and then feel frazzled. Unfortnately it does often seem this is the most common dynamic for women in traditional hetero marriages. However, just take a step back, breathe, and decide to only focus on the bits that are important to you or that you take joy in doing. If there are areas lacking, husband can pick up the slack in the areas that he appreciates. If this year has taught us anything, for me its the reflection that HOW we spend our time with our loved ones and the memories that we make is more important than getting everything perfect.

have a lovely and hopefully less stressful Christmas

I do most of the planning and shopping for Christmas. DH is great at sorting (and making sure the teenagers have bought) my presents and he'll do things if asked. I don't mind though because I enjoy it and come Christmas Eve DH takes over. He does most of the cooking Christmas Day including breakfast and Christmas Dinner and makes sure I always have a drink and am relaxed.

@WitchFindersAreEverywhere

It's all very well saying 'don't martyr yourself' but that's like saying 'don't be oppressed' really. It's not all that easy to throw off years of social conditioning.

Then if you’re not prepared to be part of the struggle, accept the status quo and your role as traditional female. Change is rarely easy and comfortable, especially if you are attempting to address inequalities as the less equal individual. But how else can it be achieved?

I agree with you. I'm not saying people don't have a responsibility to change the status quo for themselves. But I don't think it's as easy as 'oof just stop it' because if it were it wouldn't be an issue. Talking about why it's difficult is part of making the change, not an excuse not to.

We have a fairly laidback Christmas because DH would prefer to be on the beach and have a BBQ. This year we shall just be three at home as both our families are far away. He buys the tree, drinks and goes to the butcher. I decorate the tree, write the Christmas cards and send them; yes, it's a chore, it's also one of the main way we stay in touch with friends all over the world so it has to be done. We have a family Secret Santa on my side, so everyone buys one gift for their name, and only small children get a pile of presents. I shop and wrap presents, because I like doing it beautifully my way, and I shall cook the big lunch, with DS's help/direction (he's a chef).

DMIL is in residential care and hasn't wanted gifts for years, so I've organised a subscription of fresh flowers delivered monthly for this year.

And, let's face it, this year Christmas has to be low key, but NY on Zoom is really going to be a disappointment.

DBIL does Christmas from start to finish, and DSis just makes tea and helps with veg prep, but BIL admits that he's a mite obsessed with having everything exactly the way he wants to recreate his childhood Christmas experiences.

It's all very well saying 'don't martyr yourself' but that's like saying 'don't be oppressed' really. It's not all that easy to throw off years of social conditioning.

there's a balance, you don't have to book a holiday on the beach for Christmas to escape.

You can suggest a restaurant, (depending on the budget), you ^can" buy ready made food and nibbles and spend next to no time in the kitchen..
If you like making your own Christmas pudding months in advance, it's lovely. If you can't be bothered, just...buy one!

You can buy gift bags instead of having to wrap presents

If your family is so keen on Christmas decorations, they can help..

The point is not to cancel Christmas, it's to be realistic about what YOU want and what really needs to be done. And enjoy yourself.

when I go for (b) or (c )I am apparently (according to his family) really awful etc etc, when I go for (a) dh is am amazing, thoughtful guy and no one remembers/notices I have done it all. Either way I get given tea towels or pretty packets of salt.

Frankly i don't care if my ILs think i'm Satan herself and badmouth me all over town. I care for them as much as they care for me. Lucky me, DH is pretty much the same, but back when we did send them cards, he wrote them, or didn't. And exactly the same: when they got them he was a demi-god. When they didn't i was the witch queen from hell. Except that's not an insult to me and it made me laugh.

The thing is: if you want X, Y, and Z for Christmas but your partner only wants Z - you can either do all of it, do the bits you really want on your own and the bits you both want together or try to arrange it so that you both do the parts you want (in this example you do X and Y and he does Z alone)

It is painful the first time you try to change things but it gets easier.

Yep! I organise presents for my family AND his because otherwise it doesn’t get done. I get, write and address the cards and he just has to post them which he gets his secretary to do. I get the kids presents and usually end up wrapping everything but have told him this year he has to do it. I buy the wrapping paper. I make sure we are stocked up on all we need for the Xmas period and organise get togethers with friends. All he pretty much does is put the kids toys together. Pisses me off every.single.year. But if I left it to him it would be a disaster

You're undoubtedly right that it mostly does, but obviously YABU to say it always does.

I'm 49 and have never cooked a Christmas dinner in my life. On the 3 times we've been at home for Christmas Day, dh has done all the cooking, and he will do almost all of it this year.

I generally organise getting the dc's presents, but aside from that I buy and wrap for my family, he buys and wraps for his. Ditto with cards.

Oh and he works long hours in a difficult job. I'm very part-time. Dc are at secondary school. He's good at choosing presents for me too.