To feel like the burden of Christmas always falls on women?

[Fallingrain]

Just that really. I do a full time job, run a business on the side and I always get so frazzled at this time of year. There is just so much to do. DH isn’t useless but I couldn’t trust him to remember stuff like Christmas jumper day at school. I absolutely accept that I’m very lucky to afford a cleaner and we don’t have financial worries but I still get to Christmas and I feel like I’ve run a marathon. The cards, stockings, school stuff, gifts for family and friends, Christmas food and planning catering etc. It’s all just too much.

It gets my goat a bit that women seem to take it all on in most households. I remember my Mum being exactly the same and I don’t want the kids to just remember Christmas as me getting stressed.

I do 2/3 of the Christmas organising here and would say my fiancé does a third which I'm happy with as he has a very demanding job. I buy most of the presents and wrap everything as well as sort out all the Christmas cards. We decorate the house together but it's mostly him. We buy food and drink together and cook together. I sort out little bits such as buying our little bit a Christmas jumper and doing his stocking. It works for us.

Everything goes on the family Google calendar, Christmas jumper day at nursery, visit to gather Christmas, any or Christmas visitors (not this year), we split present buying in half and discuss what to get for DS. I did do the Christmas cards this year which we usually do together, but DH put the outside lights up on his own when I'd usually help (no head for heights so I can't do the up the ladder bit...) because it was freezing and I had a cold. We usually wrap presents together with a bother of wine and a film on when DS is in bed.
When we host the cooking and baking falls to me and the shopping for that, DH will however peel, chop, wipe down, change bins, sort the dishwasher, make sure guests have drinks etc and make sure my champagne glass doesn't run dry. It works for us.
I'd like to think our household motto is 'penis doesn't equal privilege', DH definitely knew that was my stance long before we even dated.

Yep agree op - fucking wife work the lot of it

Mrs Hinch summed it up for me the other day - she’s sat on the floor faffing around wrapping presents with silk ribbons and little springs of plastic holly and he’s sat on the sofa, boots up on the table watching the football - ffs

@Mybedislisting

Yep agree op - fucking wife work the lot of it

Mrs Hinch summed it up for me the other day - she’s sat on the floor faffing around wrapping presents with silk ribbons and little springs of plastic holly and he’s sat on the sofa, boots up on the table watching the football - ffs

so what, IF that's what they want?

Mrs Hinch is running a business for a start, but even if it was a hobby, so what. Single or not, DH wouldn't wrap presents with ribbons and holly, hell I wouldn't do that either

"Wife work" is when the sole responsibility of the children falls on YOUR shoulders, because the kids are not optional.
Wrapping present is a personal choice, so is most Christmas "chores". It's funny how it's mainly women who like to become martyrs, because they feel they have to show off and be in a competition with everybody.

When men compete in the same way, they don't whine about it.

I loved reading the beginning of “the woman who went to bed for a year” when she rants about this issue.

TBH I love some of the prep especially choosing presents but I am very glad DH does all the cooking.

If it wasn't for my DH Christmas wouldn't happen in this house. He is far more proactive than me. He is good at it too.

He also does all the cooking and food prep, wraps and buys his own gifts for his side of the family DS and I.

I do think he is unusual though, it seems to me that a lot of women make themselves martyrs over Christmas.

Not my idea of fun.

"Wife work" is when the sole responsibility of the children falls on YOUR shoulders, because the kids are not optional”

Er that’s not what wife work means - women can still get embroiled in a never ending cycle of wife work even if they don’t have kids. Wife work is about the unfair and uneven distribution of organisation and tasks in their attempt to “have it all”

Marriage is supposed to be about equality and being a team - what was up with Mr Hinch wrapping a few pressies while he watched the footy? (Totally agree with you about the ribbon and plastic holly)

@Mybedislisting

Yep agree op - fucking wife work the lot of it

Mrs Hinch summed it up for me the other day - she’s sat on the floor faffing around wrapping presents with silk ribbons and little springs of plastic holly and he’s sat on the sofa, boots up on the table watching the football - ffs

Mrs Hinch sums up a lot of inequality issues for me, not just Christmas and shitty plastic holly (because that's what Christmas needs, more plastic tat).

The amount of women I see proudly claiming to be 'hinchers' or whatever they call themselves, martyring themselves about housework because mrs fucking hinch said to scrub your pan with a penny and douse everything zoflora while the man does man things. It's like a competition about who is more tired, busy and burnt out for no reason, Christmas is just another opportunity for these types to proclaim their saint-hood.

I make sure DH does his own family's presents inc wrapping.

I do our kids and my side. I tend to source, we have a big wrapping session together.

I definitely put more thought in. But he does all the cooking on xmas day (then I sort out the mess ) But I hate cooking so that's fine!

My husband turned around to me and announced he was doing all his Christmas shopping and cards yesterday, and said "I'm going to start with your parents cause they're easy".

So the only wife work I have to do is remind him annually that we've done joint presents for our parents for the past five years (we'd always buy separately for each others before we moved in together to thank both sides for hosting us for some of Christmas).

I've just had my birthday weekend and he cooked every meal - for doing a roast, we divvy up the jobs and create a timeline. We try and do what we can in advance. Then when we have guests he runs around doing the drink servings and table arrangements whilst I do the serving.

I go big at Christmas usually, and host / organise several events and get togethers, but I can't say that he's ever complained, especially since he doesn't choose to get roped into all that.

Yes absolutely! My husband would never do all the things I do so I just take it on because I don't want the children to feel let down or disappointed.

My mum grew up not having stockings so she never did them for the kids. My dad's family always had them and my aunt (his sister) always did stockings for my cousins. I was always so jealous. Dad used to tell us that when he woke up on Christmas morning he knew that it was morning when he could feel his heavy filled stocking on the end of his bed and how exciting it was.

Years later as an adult I expressed to my mum that I was always so jealous and upset that cousins had stockings and we didn't. She told me she left stockings up to my dad and he was never organised enough or bothered to do them.

@Mybedislisting

"Wife work" is when the sole responsibility of the children falls on YOUR shoulders, because the kids are not optional”

Er that’s not what wife work means - women can still get embroiled in a never ending cycle of wife work even if they don’t have kids. Wife work is about the unfair and uneven distribution of organisation and tasks in their attempt to “have it all”

Marriage is supposed to be about equality and being a team - what was up with Mr Hinch wrapping a few pressies while he watched the footy? (Totally agree with you about the ribbon and plastic holly)

the children was an example.

Wife work is when non-optional things fall on your shoulders because you are the one who created the burden in the first place.

If DH was washing his car by hand every single week (or more), he couldn't complain if I wasn't "helping". His choice, his problem. I take mine to the car wash when I am in the mood, I am not wasting half my weekend cleaning a car. actually HE takes my car to the carwash but that's not the point

If DH had to defrost the windscreen of a family car, then yes he could ask for help.

I agree, but I love it so I take it on happily.

More fool you.
If you martyr yourself you can't blame the opposite sex.
It should be a time you enjoy not be a burden. Either lower your expectations or ask your dh for more help.

@HitthatroadJack I get you but kind of not get you - the car wash analogy doesn’t really work for Christmas because Christmas isn’t a burden that “I” created in the first place.

Presents have to be bought, food has got to be cooked (unless you opt out of the whole thing)

@majesticallyawkward Totally agree - I’d say it’s time to come out of the kitchen Mrs Hinch and use your platform for good however who would make money out of that?!

I know if i want it done the way I like it i have to do it.

He is a brilliant person with several obscure talents, but a pile of presents wrapped by him is neither a thing of beauty nor a joy forever. He uses more tape than paper...

He also doesn't give a monkey's about table settings being all matchy matchy because he's not an anal freak like me.

So I do that stuff and everyone's happy.

I don't regard it as wifework since wifey here is the only one who cares if I am brutally frank.

I buy presents for my DC and my parents. DH has to sort out his own family. I don’t give a fuck if they don’t get a present, they can take it up with DH. I make a charity donation instead of wasting money and paper on cards. I order ready made food for Christmas Eve and I cook one meal for Christmas Day and that’s it. If you don’t like doing Christmas stuff then stop doing it?

My OH died on March, we always used to have words about Christmas cards. I bought, wrote, printed the address labels and posted them. He would help wrap presents, not very well though. I would do the majority of the cooking when we had Christmas Day at home, his job was to lay the table for which he needed instructions! This year there's just me and I've just realised what a pain putting up decorations is, not even ventured outside to do those yet, I even went into the loft to look for something for the first time in ten years!
It's an odd year in more ways than one.

Mybedislisting

that's the thing, some parts of Christmas are a burden if you are not enjoying them. Some parts are even a complete waste of time for some.

Look how people have mixed views over the elf/ Christmas boxes/ cards and presents to random adults/ hosting for 25 people if you don't enjoy it.

It's harder this year, but some people book a restaurant for Christmas lunch or diner, others order everything pretty much ready from their local deli/M&S/Cook or wherever. Even the cooking is not a mandatory chore if you don't like it.

Before children, DH and I used to disappear on holiday for Christmas, no way would I have ever considered hosting Christmas for my in-laws! If HE had requested it, he would have had to organise and cook the whole shebang.

I honestly think there are too many martyrs at Christmas. It's not the same if your DH orders you to do something (to which the normal answer should be: Fuck off), or if you do have kids that need look after.

I tend to do all the gift shopping, but I love shopping and dh can't stand it. One year when DD was a newborn he said he would sort out his sides gifts, and everyone received a George foreman grill (even tween nephews and neices) as a result of a last second dash past Costco on the way home from work on Christmas eve.

He does organise the meat and does most of the cooking on the day. His family are amazing, at the end of the meal everyone helps clear away and wash up and tidy the kitchen. When I was little I remember my mum being frazzled and stressed all day by hosting single handedly.

The cards, stockings, school stuff, gifts for family and friends, Christmas food and planning catering etc. It’s all just too much

With cards we do the ones for our own family and friends. DH probably sends more than I do.

We also buy presents for our own families and friends (though DH bought a book for my mum and I have picked things up over the years for his mum).

School stuff - well there hasn't been any this year and ds is too old for nativity plays etc but even when we did have them you just turned up. If there was any dressing up involved I left that to Mr Amazon to deliver.

Christmas food is no different than other food, just more of it, and a few treats.

It sounds like you make stuff far bigger than it needs to be.

I've noticed that magazines etc supposedly aimed at women all seem to have an excess of Christmas recipes, countdowns, decorating and crafting ideas, what to wear on the big day, gift suggestions, you name it.

And magazines aimed at a male readership... nowt.

Yes. Your average wife and mother works her arse off at Christmas so that everyone else has a good time.

I’m 70 next year and I’m STILL doing it all for my 4 adult children, only that includes partners and dogs. I’m really fed up with it.

Your average wife and mother works her arse off at Christmas so that everyone else has a good time.

then the average wife and mother should learn to use the modern convenience available and stop martyr themselves.

Everybody would have a much better time without a stressed out wife and mother running around like a headless chicken.

I am sorry, but how do you manage life in general if you get into a frenzy of stress because writing a few cards, ordering a few presents and thinking about a meal is too much
No need to start in January or in August either.

We live separately but co-parent at mine (long story).

So far, we've both done ordering presents from Amazon, he's done his mad dash round the shops already and mine's planned for tomorrow. He bought the tinsel and I put it up. I did the tree and he did the extended sweary rant about entropy while wrestling with the fairy lights. So far, so even.

We both forgot Christmas jumper day, so still neck and neck.

He's ahead of me on sorting gifts for extended family, and posting stuff to his mother today. Apparently I've got her a Cliff Richard diary this year.

I'll be doing the wrapping of all DD's stuff, because I quite enjoy it. He will make me cups of tea and cigarettes throughout. And then he's cooking Christmas dinner.

On balance I'd say he's actually doing more than half the shitwork. Which is not bad considering he hates Christmas.