Smacking a child on the hand

[Warzone100]

I've name changed because I don't want this following me around mumsnet.

My much loved three year old is aggressive, he attacks me, DH and his 20 month old sister. It's important I include this info for context, he has autism. He's only semi verbal but has a reasonable level of understanding.

When he does attack he is capable of inflicting significant harm. He has bitten DD leaving deep marks, headbutted her, shoved her into the corners of furniture, thrown things at her head. You name it he has done it. As a result of all of this, DD has conditioned herself to run to me or DH as soon as DS becomes agitated as she knows she'll be the first in the firing line. Me and DH get it too but our main concern is DD getting hurt and it's just not possible to keep them away from one another at home.

Aside attacking others he smashes up the house. I've had to use endless polyfiller on the walls where he has thrown things, he has smashed countless plates and cups, he has pushed my television off the unit and broke that, smashed up his tablet device that my late father bought for him. He has even smashed a glass candle holder on DH's head causing him to bleed.

Despite my best efforts I cannot curb the behaviour, this is because he has so many triggers you couldn't possibly pre empt an outburst to prevent one. For example: if his tower of blocks falls down or his tablet runs out of battery, if it's time to get out of the bath, if he's told "no" to anything at all.

I have tried all of the traditional forms of meltdown management such as creating a safe space, sensory lighting, calm down music, soothing him, giving him some space, positive reinforcement and ignoring negative behaviour, plenty of 1-1 time with either me or DH. We have tried everything reasonably possible to help and support him and it's breaking my heart, the older he gets the worse it becomes. If he continues this way then by the age of 10 he's going to have put one of us in hospital.

This evening after him pinching DD and twisting her skin so hard she had an instant bruise, trying to bite her (i got between them first) charging at her ready to headbutt her (all because his toys fell off the table) I'm ashamed to say I momentarily considered smacking him on the hand with a firm "no! we do not hit"

It was my hope, in the moment, that it would shock him and be a deterrent the next time he goes to attack.

I didn't do it, but came very close.

We tell him all the time not to hit and to use kind hands but it doesn't make any difference, still we persevere.

I'm not a cruel parent and I've never laid a finger on either of my children, DS was our rainbow baby and is so, so loved. I'm just incredibly overwhelmed and feeling hopeless and scared for not only DD's future but his. We are treading on egg shells every day so that we (mainly DD) doesn't get attacked or our property smashed. He's three for goodness sake.

If there is help to be had then we don't get any, he was diagnosed in October and O.T waiting lists are at least 12 months long.

Would I have been a bad parent if I did smack him on the hand the next time he does it? I've lost count of the amount of times I've heard people say that this generation are unruly because they have no discipline, I've always rubbished the implication that children need to be spanked to be taught how to behave but now I just don't know. nothing is helping and he's getting worse.

You mention getting your son a weighted blanket, just that they are on sale at Aldi this week for £20 if you have one near you. HTH

Here we go again first thing this morning, he's woke up in a bad mood and is starting already. Slamming doors and pushing his sister

It seems to me that you need some help untangling which of his actions are sensory and which are behavioural, as it can be really tricky.
That’s the sort of thing that a good SEN parenting course can help with.

DH was just rinsing out a cup at the sink and DS went behind him and bit him on the backside.

I'm going to call and leave a message with his paediatrican to call me back on Monday.

I agree parenting courses tailored for SN parents is what's needed in the interim. I've been watching some recorded webinars on the page suggested by a PP and I'm keen to access whatever else I can.

I'll pop to Aldi after work and see if they have any of those weighted blankets.

both parents explained they wouldn’t intervene if it happened again because he shouldn’t be hitting and the violence stopped pretty quickly.

So this would suggest that actually more hardline discipline can and does work in cases where the child is behaving violently.

For all those that are saying smacking a child is assault it would be interesting to see the statistics for people who displayed these traits 30 years ago and did get a good smack since autism rates haven't apparently increased in 30 years but diagnosis has and a previous poster also said 40 years ago if they bit a child they were bit back and it soon stopped but in adulthood they were diagnosed with Aspergers

“ I really don’t think smacking your child is as bad as people make out, it happened to the vast majority of people commenting (including myself) and we are all ok!”

Growing up thinking it’s acceptable for adults to hit children is not “ok”.

@ivfbeenbusy

To be honest in the situation you have described when I was a child I would have got a smacked arse not a hand. He's out of control and sorry to say sounds dangerous which at age 3 must be very hard to deal with OP and my heart goes out to you. I agree with you though that sometimes you do have to wonder if the lack of disciplining in this generation is breeding worse behaviour than if they had experienced the sort of discipline our generation or our parents generation had

Couldn't have put it better myself. When I was younger I had my hair pulled by my mother - smacked on bum legs (and face at 13!) for bad behaviour. Now I'm not saying that's acceptable (me and my mum are good friends and I do not consider her abusive - it was generally speaking a generational parenting tool to physically discipline your children) I've never touched my two children (well I have - to hug kiss and smother in love!) but not to reprimand. I just think we know better now. But if my child (autism or not) was smashing up the house and abusing his sister... Nobody could be blamed for thinking the way you have. Please stop beating yourself up over considering to smack a child's hand! You'll get a hard time on here. But honestly you're a human being. Do what you feel you have to do at the time. It's not like you were considering smacking him round the head!

I wouldn't feel too bad about feelings, we've got family members we believe to be autistic who have autistic grandkids who seem them as very naughty and 'what would've happened in the 1950s eh' with a total lack of insight into themselves or their grandkids.

I remember that feeling of powerlessness when one of your dc is trying to hurt everyone. I was often on my own with 2 dc and unable to leave either of them on their own because one or other of them might hurt themselves - I wouldn't start with SLT I'd start with OT and courses for dealing with meltdowns as sensory regulation. Understanding the triggers for meltdowns and having strategies that eventually worked was so helpful.

In your case, you need an expert in dealing with meltdowns you can talk to, a lot of the courses will otherwise have a lot of advice you can't enact or isn't suitable and you'll end up discouraged.

We found weighted blankets helpful for meltdowns. And tents, but different things work for different kids - the one that attacks won't go to the tent.

When my dc gets up and in a biting mood, she's in a heightened state of anxiety @Warzone100 - I used to dread that as my heart would sink for prospects for the whole day.

Visual timetables helped for a while too so she knew exactly what was going to happen and we still talk about the plans for the day now she's older.

Good luck - it will get better, have hope, and be honest with every person you engage about the damage your ds's lack of support is doing to your other child and your mh, it'll help get your ds the right help faster.

Spot on

Visual timetables don't have to be complicated, one piece of paper and some stick drawings 'toast', 'dress', 'park', 'play dragons'. And tick off as you complete each. Good at reducing anxiety.

One of mine better with a very rigid routine.

OP if Aldi don’t have any weighted blankets then John Lewis do them. Make sure you get the right weight, it should be 10% of your child body weight. You also need to take it off when they’re asleep.

The VCB group have lots of webinars which you can access. Have you looked at the book the Explosive Child? Also it may be worth posting in the SN part of the boards rather than here.

It wont work.

Does he go to nursery? I think he could do with some specialist involvement

I agree with @Branleuse you need to call all the professionals you've dealt with and tell them about your concerns for your other dc and how much you are struggling.

All of these webinars and groups are wonderful and useful as an adjunct but the primary problem is lack of adequate professional support.

OT should try out various tools so you can get the ones that work best.

I think people have got hung up on the smacking. I would post again in the special needs area asking for help with an autistic toddler.

Like a previous poster has said it becomes a detective hunt for each individual "behaviour " and working out what he id needing (his unmet needs.) Sometimes it helps to think of them shòuting "help" and being unable to so end up expressing that physically. Or being so full of overwhelming big feelings they dont know how to process it.

If he's biting - have you got chewy toys he can chew on instead when he feels that need? We have a couple that work really well. Or was it for attention? Had he been on his own for a bit? What had been going on for him that morning? Was he finding the morning overwhelming?

It's really difficult to look at but is a long term job. My child is older and now can express the problem and can take herself away. But for years had no idea everyone else just didnt feel like this.

I momentarily considered smacking him on the hand with a firm "no! we do not hit"

Look at the contradiction in this sentence - hitting him to teach him not to hit. You can see that it wouldn’t work, because the action will be more clear to him than the message which contradicts it.

I don’t think you’re a bad parent - you really sound at the end of your tether. But you know this won’t work, that there is no justification for hitting a child, and that you wouldn’t want to hurt your boy anyway

www.incredibleyears.com

This is course I'm doing op. I'm doi g it by zoom and it's been funded by local charity. You can pick the book second hand on ebay. I'm finding it incredibly useful.

OP - this do reminds me of our family. My DS has autism and his meltdowns and violence at that age were horrifying. I used to have to regain my composure in the garage to stop myself screaming at him (sadly I did once or twice). We all breaking points and it breaks your heart to see your child like this. So don't give yourself a guilt trip, you are doing amazing. Unless you experience it it's hard to comprehend the walking on eggshells knowing your gorgeous child is a time bomb ready to errupt.

This doesn't help now but this will hopefully pass and be less extreme as he grows up and can understand himself more and verbalise more.
The person who said keep a diary - do. I found it helped and worked as a good record to hand over to consultants etc. I once took a video to show how bad it could it get.

My son is now 12 and still has meltdowns but over the years we have learnt triggers, sometimes we can spot when his 'bucket is too full and going to overflow'. The violence has reduced because of this.

I made sure his sibling had time of fun away from his brother with me, even bedtime reading was our time. I feel so guilty about his sibling but I tried my best to keep him safe and thankfully as he got older and began school he had a happy social life so there was fun in his life (and some lovely mums who really helped).

There is support but I've found you have to fight for it. Email/phone all the doctors/consultants/ health visitor you've been in contact with saying exactly how it is. We even had our Local MP assisting us with the local authority. It's a barmy system in that you have to put loads of energy into getting any help when you are wiped out.

Also look for local and national support groups, it's a good release for you and some comfort to know you aren't the only one.

Not to derail (and my thoughts go out to you in this stressful situation OP) but since people are still advocating for physically hurting children...

Scotland has already banned smacking from November, and Wales is following suit in the next few years (according to this article). www.bbc.co.uk/newsround/54852421#:~:text=Smacking%20children%20is%20now%20officially,UK%20to%20ban%20the%20punishment.&text=Now%2C%20physical%20attacks%2C%20including%20smacking,as%20a%20criminal%20offence%20%2D%20assault.

England may be following suit soon, with any luck. It's not effective, especially with ND children who are struggling to express themselves. You need to access additional support for the sakes of yourselves and your children. I wish you the best of luck

I've just seen your update OP. Your first, urgent priority is that you need to ensure that your little one isn't geting hurt.
I've known in real life, and read on here, the major damage it does when a girl is repeatedly assaulted by an older brother and doesn't have safety in their own home. It is really damaging.

Yes there's a reason why your son acts as he does, but that will be no comfort to your baby and won't make her hurt and fear any less.

Thank you for all of your kind replies and advice, I've only just now checked back in.

I managed to get hold of one of those weighted blankets reccomended upthread from lidl, DS loves it. I dare say he's had the calmest evening he's had in weeks. I'm not naive enough to think that will change things but we've now got something that we know for sure does relax him It was a brilliant suggestions.

I've also left a message with his paediatrican telling her I'm very concerned about the meltdowns and aggression and asked she calls me back as soon as possible to discuss.

He's at nursery on Monday so I'm going to ask for a meeting to share my concerns there, again, and ask that they support me with DS and advise. It's a special needs setting so they know alot more than I do.

I'm not naive to the fact that this will cause DD significant emotional harm if it continues and I'm terrified of that, she's such a loving baby and absolutely adores DS.

DH was just rinsing out a cup at the sink and DS went behind him and bit him on the backside.

It is all communication

How did we all turn out normal

Sorry wrong post