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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Staying at ILs with no spare bedroom

186 replies

Circumlocutious · 11/12/2020 11:55

DH and I have a toddler, and have been together for about five years. In that time, we normally go stay at my ILs for 1-2 nights, maybe once a month or so. Was every 3 weeks before DD came alone. We stay a little longer in the holidays, but never more than 4 nights. This is very much something we’ve done at their insistence - they’ve gone on about how important it is that we stay, please can we stay longer in the summer, etc... to the point where they generally appear upset / ‘surprised’ when we announce our agreed upon departure (somewhat frustrating and dampens the mood). They live 1 hr 30 minute drive away.

I didn’t mind staying even after DD’s birth because they’ve always had a spare room where I’ve felt comfortable BFing etc, retreating briefly for some space. We’re currently due a second baby in the spring.

Anyway, now they’re planning to downsize to a two bedroom house. MIL and FIL have slept in separate bedrooms for a long time and will be doing the same here. I’m wondering about the expected arrangement here? Staying the night as a family, including a baby who will probably be BF, and having to sleep in the lounge just doesn’t seem practical. Neither is MIL vacating her room every time which I would hate. But then in my mind is their constant fixation with us staying the night which is incompatible with their new choice of house.

I don’t want to mention this issue because a) they can relocate to wherever they like, and b) it might open up a can of worms with MiLs recent ‘mission’ and favourite topic: to try to get us to move closer to them (within 30 mins drive). ‘Where are we going to stay the night’ would provide a perfect opening when this is a subject we’re not entertaining atm.

DH thinks I’m overthinking the whole thing and has told me he’s pleased at the prospect of having a ‘get out clause’ for staying the night. But I don’t like the ambiguity.

WWYD in terms of staying somewhere with young children and no spare bedroom? Get an Air BnB maybe?

OP posts:
Teacaketotty · 11/12/2020 11:57

Honestly sounds like the perfect get out clause! You can’t really stay the night all four of you without a spare room - even with a spare room sounds like a nightmare to be honest!

Why don’t they come to you? I’ve never stayed at my in laws over night (thank god!)

Hope4theBestPlan4theWorst · 11/12/2020 11:57

I'd be really honest and say "Thankyou for your kind hospitality, however now you're downsizing I do t think this is going to work us not having "a room"

They are only 1hr30 mins away, hardly miles is it??

N0tfinished · 11/12/2020 11:58

I'd be with your DH TBH. 1 hr 30 mins is not too far to do in a day, if you time it around naps.

FestiveChristmasLights · 11/12/2020 12:01

I agree with your DH that this is the perfect get out clause and would be pleased to see the house move and a change to this habit.

If you are going to stay, you could stay in an Airbnb but I expect it’s cheaper and easier for you to do a day trip.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 11/12/2020 12:02

DH thinks I’m overthinking the whole thing and has told me he’s pleased at the prospect of having a ‘get out clause’ for staying the night. But I don’t like the ambiguity. THAT sticks out! your DP is looking for an excuse not to go to HIS OWN PARENTS.

Stop facilitating something he does not want to happen! Let him deal with it, let him use the excuse he has told you he pleased to have been offered!

Florencenotflo · 11/12/2020 12:02

1.5 hours isn't far, you could leave early morning, spend all day, dinner and bath for the kids at the in laws and drive home again. He's right, it's the perfect get out clause. Let them move into their new place and let them realise it's impractical for you to stay. When they mention the sofa, you just say "oh don't be silly, we couldn't possibly all sleep in one room or on the sofa. We'll just pop home instead, see you soon".

Circumlocutious · 11/12/2020 12:03

@Teacaketotty

Honestly sounds like the perfect get out clause! You can’t really stay the night all four of you without a spare room - even with a spare room sounds like a nightmare to be honest!

Why don’t they come to you? I’ve never stayed at my in laws over night (thank god!)

They do come and stay for a few days, but maybe once a year, twice max? The default has always been for us to go to them. And again, after arriving at ours they mention their poignant motorway reflections on how far away we are!

There have been a few occasions on the past where MIL has told us they’re having a family BBQ (with DH siblings etc who live nearer), but that it’s only worth us coming if we stay the night so that we’re not ‘rushing off’ at 9.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 11/12/2020 12:04

Yep agree with your DH as well, it all seems a bit much tbh even if there was a spare room available to you

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 11/12/2020 12:04

Wow that's a whole lot of your time dedicated to keeping ils happy op..
Do you do the same for your family?

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 11/12/2020 12:04

90 minutes is hardly far I don't understand why you've had to stay. Get your DH to say it isn't practical.

HitthatroadJack · 11/12/2020 12:06

It depends on the relationship. Not everybody has guests room and the lounge is absolutely fine, it's only on MN that it's a shocking concept.

In normal life, if you are BF and need space, family would normally give you their bedroom if you need privacy.

It doesn't sound like you are very close.

Chamomileteaplease · 11/12/2020 12:07

Sounds like whatever you did wouldn't be good enough or long enough for them anyway.

One and a half hours is not too far for a day trip. Use this opportunity to ring the changes [smiles]. You are both being bullied into stuff neither of you want to do. Stand up for yourselves.

Calmandmeasured1 · 11/12/2020 12:07

Hotel.

RainbowCookie · 11/12/2020 12:07

90 mins is practically round the corner, takes me longer than that to drive 10 km to work some days.
I’d just be popping over for lunch once or twice a month if I were you.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 11/12/2020 12:08

Hotel..
When they travel to you.
Road goes both ways as they say...

Circumlocutious · 11/12/2020 12:09

@Santaisironingwrappingpaper

Wow that's a whole lot of your time dedicated to keeping ils happy op.. Do you do the same for your family?
It’s pretty similar tbh. I probably go less often but stay slightly longer - it’s very chilled at my parents, sister also has a toddler the same age so it’s perfect in terms of interaction, lots of spare room.

——

I know I should let DH deal with it, and when it comes down to it I will. But why downsize somewhere that is supposedly so at odds with your preferences?? And then there’ll be the upset phone calls from MIL to me that I’ll be on the receiving end of...

OP posts:
letsmakethetea · 11/12/2020 12:10

Definitely do not mention it! Wait until they are in the new place and they broach the subject of you visiting. Then your OH can do a nice assertive 'we would love to come and visit for the day' and if they question it, just say it won't work overnight.

ttigerlilly · 11/12/2020 12:10

I think it sounds like the perfect get-out clause

1.5 hours distance doesn't necessitate you staying the night IMO

HerbErtlinger · 11/12/2020 12:10

Gosh, my mum is 1hr 20 mins away, I visit often during the day with my youngest, never even occurred to me that it would be an overnight thing.

I would use the downsize as a get out clause, there's no reason to not have day visits

letsmakethetea · 11/12/2020 12:10

Phone calls to you?! It's her son! 'I'm so sorry your upset, MIL. I'll ask James to give you a call when he's back from the shop'.

AdoraBell · 11/12/2020 12:10

I agree with your DH, leave them to it, it’s their decision to downsize or buy a mansion. Once they have moved either use a hotel if you want to stay, or just leave it for your DH to say you can’t stay over.

letsmakethetea · 11/12/2020 12:11

you're! Blush

airbags · 11/12/2020 12:13

Perfect get out. Why are you letting what she wants dominate? Stay at a B&B or ask them to do the same and come to you. Or you could just do the 3 hour round trip in 1 day - it's not impossible, but I would maybe start doing that after baby no2 is about 6mos.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 11/12/2020 12:15

Do you actually have chance to enjoy your own home with dc? What happens with nursery /school when you have agreed to such an extensive relatives timetable?

AlwaysCheddar · 11/12/2020 12:16

Go for the day. Perfect. Simple.