Staying at ILs with no spare bedroom

[Circumlocutious]

DH and I have a toddler, and have been together for about five years. In that time, we normally go stay at my ILs for 1-2 nights, maybe once a month or so. Was every 3 weeks before DD came alone. We stay a little longer in the holidays, but never more than 4 nights. This is very much something we’ve done at their insistence - they’ve gone on about how important it is that we stay, please can we stay longer in the summer, etc... to the point where they generally appear upset / ‘surprised’ when we announce our agreed upon departure (somewhat frustrating and dampens the mood). They live 1 hr 30 minute drive away.

I didn’t mind staying even after DD’s birth because they’ve always had a spare room where I’ve felt comfortable BFing etc, retreating briefly for some space. We’re currently due a second baby in the spring.

Anyway, now they’re planning to downsize to a two bedroom house. MIL and FIL have slept in separate bedrooms for a long time and will be doing the same here. I’m wondering about the expected arrangement here? Staying the night as a family, including a baby who will probably be BF, and having to sleep in the lounge just doesn’t seem practical. Neither is MIL vacating her room every time which I would hate. But then in my mind is their constant fixation with us staying the night which is incompatible with their new choice of house.

I don’t want to mention this issue because a) they can relocate to wherever they like, and b) it might open up a can of worms with MiLs recent ‘mission’ and favourite topic: to try to get us to move closer to them (within 30 mins drive). ‘Where are we going to stay the night’ would provide a perfect opening when this is a subject we’re not entertaining atm.

DH thinks I’m overthinking the whole thing and has told me he’s pleased at the prospect of having a ‘get out clause’ for staying the night. But I don’t like the ambiguity.

WWYD in terms of staying somewhere with young children and no spare bedroom? Get an Air BnB maybe?

blimey - I've travelled for longer than that to teach a 2hr class and then drive home again.

My inlaws live a similar distance away. We often do it as a day trip and absolutely if there wasn't a separate bedroom for us and one for our dc we'd never stay over.

ils would probably be happier if you dropped dc off then went home again, this seems to be coming across abit - primarily seeing the dgc.
my dm used to stay over after my ecs and she would end up staying for weeks long after i was able to deal with stuff. the tears and sobbing used to carry on into the street as she was leaving. someone actually stopped her outside my gate and asked her if she was okay, she'd been with us nearly 3 months and only lived an hour away, [and i'm not very close to her - stately homes]

She's written "he’s pleased at the prospect of having a ‘get out clause’ for staying the night". As I said.

No you said he was looking for an excuse to not go to his own parents. He isn't. He just wants to visit them and not stay the night. which is perfectly reasonable if you live 90 minutes away.

They do come and stay for a few days, but maybe once a year, twice max? The default has always been for us to go to them. And again, after arriving at ours they mention their poignant motorway reflections on how far away we are!

You need to align more with DH and just ignore it. Literally don't answer the phone if its not convenient or if keep redirecting to him.

We had set who never wanted to travel to us (or more acurately, one DGP and the other fell into line). This resulted in a lot of long travel hours with all the kids and all the parphernalia to the extent that I dreaded Christmas/NY and holidays.

There was no reason why they couldn't visit us, at least occasionally. In the end we just said we couldn't do it and after that DH went down for the odd shorter visit whilst I was working and our holidays actually became holidays.

If they had been 90minutes away we would have reverted to day visits long before we reached that point.

Bear in mind that as your children get older they will have their own events to go to at weekends and won't always want to be away for a whole weekend whereas day trips are much more manageable.

We’ve only seen them once since the start of the pandemic. DH is ECV so we are being extra careful. They don’t want to meet outdoors for a few hours since it’s not a proper visit, and we don’t want to meet indoors, so it’s all stagnated

and, like everyone else, they have managed / adjusted.
Now, if they - very sensibly - are moving to a smaller property because it suits them, then they will very quickly understand that it means if they choose to sleep in separate rooms) that means they don't have a spare room, so it isn't going to be easy or comfortable for a family of 4 to stay over except in some sort of emergency. They will have to adapt to that too.

As everyone else has said, you are over thinking, or worrying too much about this. It really isn't anything to get hung up on. Your dh has the right idea and they are his parents after all.
You and they have all sorts of options - just let it evolve.

Their expectations are ridiculous. Be very careful. This will only escalate as they get older and more demanding.
Set a precedent now. Just don't stay over. You can actually do what you want you know. You don't have to do what they want.
Make different choices and take back control.

Your in laws sound quite fussy and I don't think it's up to them to insist you have to stay over to attend a family bbq. Strange that they wouldn't meet you outside because "it's not a proper visit " . In these restricted times I take whatever family time I can get! Your DH does not seem to have a problem with telling them it straight I.e. the opportunities in the US comments. So I think just insist on day trips from now on, and get him to speak to them about it if MIL rings you.
I drove 1hr and 20 mins each way with my baby and toddler to visit my MIL a couple of times in the summer , it's perfectly doable if you're organised and get everything ready the night before and leave quite early.

I think she just says it. Dh doesn't take her too seriously so I suggest you stop too. And I bet they're secretly downsizing so you can't stay all the time. Otherwise they would be moving near you. I suggest you visit once every two months for a day trip and offer for them to visit you in between if they wish.

I am amazed that your ILs think 90 minutes is a long drive. We live 2.5 hours from my parents and DH keeps muttering about how that is too "close" because they visit so frequently (every 1-2 months) .

We stayed at PIL occasionally when the occasion necessitated it but stopped once ds1 came along..

If you don't want to stay over. Don't.

They live 1.5 hrs away, just go home.
With two young DC you'll be better visiting for the day & going home.
Staying over once a month is excessive id be reducing it to a dsy visit evey 2-3 months. If they want to see more of you then they can visit you.

@N0tfinished

I'd be with your DH TBH. 1 hr 30 mins is not too far to do in a day, if you time it around naps.

I'm always surprised about people's unwillingness to drive more than 30 minutes, a drive of 1 1/2 hours, ev.en with children, is nothing

Whether it's suitable for your to stay will depend on the house, a living room with a sofa bed might work fine, but also a reason to reduce visits to day trips

@MessAllOver

I am amazed that your ILs think 90 minutes is a long drive. We live 2.5 hours from my parents and DH keeps muttering about how that is too "close" because they visit so frequently (every 1-2 months) .

You do know not everyone is created equal? It’s probably a very long way for someone who usually goes no further than the supermarket. No journey was too long a drive for me 20 years ago, I’m not so keen these days.

I'm not sure why you're worrying about a hypothetical situation which hasn't actually caused any issues yet. Your husband has said he's pleased that this will put an end to these long stays so why are you still imagining they will be happening? It really isn't worth the head space. You are not being pressured by your husband into packing your whole life into the car for a quarter of the year to go to stay with them so why are you acting like it's all a done deal and you just have to find a way to make it work? It's up to your husband to tell his parents that it's not possible to stay over once they've moved. Their comments about them deciding you can't attend a family BBQ or not meet outside are about control and guilt tripping. If they genuinely wanted to see you they'd make sure it happened under less-than-ideal circumstances if it was a choice between that or not at all. You seem to be twisting yourself in knots to appease an as yet imaginary situation. Your husband and you both just tell her it's not possible (not not practical or not ideal or difficult) to stay over for days as a family of four in the living room and it's not fair of her to expect you all to do that when your house is a commutable distance away.

@VinylDetective - but you used to be happy to drive long journeys so your comment, in response to a jokey comment by @MessAllOver, doesn't really make sense. Being created equal is irrelevant if you're discussing how your happiness to drive long distances has changed over time.

Don't mention it!!

I would never stay at my ILs, and if they downsize i certainly wouldnt be staying if there's no bedroom for you! Get out clause, I'd be clspping my hands, you could always get a hotel or cottage if you want to stay but an hour or so drive isn't that far really...your MIL sounds a bit needy wanting you to stay all the time tbh

Just stop and listen to what your dh is saying... he’s fine, it’s his family. Mil is communicating with you because of your reactions... you’re much more reactive to her. Stop letting her guilt you. It’s 90 minutes, you don’t want to stay, don’t. She has you staying now, the downsizing Smacks of trying to get you to move next door imo

yanbu

I'd say nothing until they have down sized - perfect reason not to stay!! They must have thought about it while planning to move. They want to be within 30 mins then they could move closer!

Eugh this has brough back horrific memories of my PIL hassling and hinting for have my DSs for overnight stays. I put it off for as long as possible, then stent the boys.😁😁 Strangely they never asked again!! Think they realised how hard work 3 young children were.....which is kinda why I would never let them go until they were old enough.

The constant 'hinting' very much soured my relationship with them though

Just go for the day in future not exactly far .Agree go for day bath children , drive back. We did that with 2.5 hour journey for years.

@ttigerlilly

I think it sounds like the perfect get-out clause

1.5 hours distance doesn't necessitate you staying the night IMO

Agree with this - I don't really understand why you have been visiting overnight like this for so long when you don't want to and they are so close