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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Staying at ILs with no spare bedroom

186 replies

Circumlocutious · 11/12/2020 11:55

DH and I have a toddler, and have been together for about five years. In that time, we normally go stay at my ILs for 1-2 nights, maybe once a month or so. Was every 3 weeks before DD came alone. We stay a little longer in the holidays, but never more than 4 nights. This is very much something we’ve done at their insistence - they’ve gone on about how important it is that we stay, please can we stay longer in the summer, etc... to the point where they generally appear upset / ‘surprised’ when we announce our agreed upon departure (somewhat frustrating and dampens the mood). They live 1 hr 30 minute drive away.

I didn’t mind staying even after DD’s birth because they’ve always had a spare room where I’ve felt comfortable BFing etc, retreating briefly for some space. We’re currently due a second baby in the spring.

Anyway, now they’re planning to downsize to a two bedroom house. MIL and FIL have slept in separate bedrooms for a long time and will be doing the same here. I’m wondering about the expected arrangement here? Staying the night as a family, including a baby who will probably be BF, and having to sleep in the lounge just doesn’t seem practical. Neither is MIL vacating her room every time which I would hate. But then in my mind is their constant fixation with us staying the night which is incompatible with their new choice of house.

I don’t want to mention this issue because a) they can relocate to wherever they like, and b) it might open up a can of worms with MiLs recent ‘mission’ and favourite topic: to try to get us to move closer to them (within 30 mins drive). ‘Where are we going to stay the night’ would provide a perfect opening when this is a subject we’re not entertaining atm.

DH thinks I’m overthinking the whole thing and has told me he’s pleased at the prospect of having a ‘get out clause’ for staying the night. But I don’t like the ambiguity.

WWYD in terms of staying somewhere with young children and no spare bedroom? Get an Air BnB maybe?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/12/2020 14:36

And then there’ll be the upset phone calls from MIL to me that I’ll be on the receiving end of...

Oh no, no, no. Stop making yourself to be the mug, op. If your MIL is upset, she can talk to her son about it. I find it odd that you're so concerned about these sleepovers when it's clear your husband isn't even bothered. He seems quite happy for these visits to stop!

noscoobydoodle · 11/12/2020 14:42

My MiL is the same- about 1hr40 away and always wants us to stay over all the time. We have 3 children (and two dogs) and whilst she does have a spare room, it's only a single so the 5 and 7 year old get that and then us, the baby and the dogs are in the living room. Needless to say we mainly we go for the day but she is always guilt tripping us about staying and my DH is s big soft mummy's boy, so I call the shots on when we go for the day or stay. I try to make the stays once a quarter. Incidentally we also visit my FiL for a day trip a couple of times a year and he lives a 5hr round trip (before stops!). He's very chaotic and often mentally unwell so we can't stay with him and a day trip is really plenty!

Madcats · 11/12/2020 14:43

When I was a kid we did a monthly visit to grandparents a similar drive away.

I was put into PJs and dressing gown and we'd leave just before I would normally go to sleep.

My in-laws have space to host, but I much prefer us to stay at a nearby Travelodge/Premier Inn and have a leisurely shower/breakfast and aren't forced to watch their choice of TV.

ineedaholidaynow · 11/12/2020 14:44

Have you had reduced visits in the last few months, and have they coped, or are you still doing visits every month?

CakeRequired · 11/12/2020 14:46

Let him deal with it, they are his parents. If he says it's a get out clause, great, go with that. I wouldn't even mention it, certainly not before they buy.

Squirrelblanket · 11/12/2020 14:48

My mother in law lives one hour from us and I am only just bringing my husband round to the idea that this could be done in a day trip. Neither of us likes going there and we particularly do not enjoy staying over, but I think it's the guilt of feeling like this that makes my husband feel we should stay overnight. As penance I suppose!

Unfortunately my mother in law has TWO spare rooms. Grab this opportunity with both hands OP! 😂

purpletrees16 · 11/12/2020 14:48

Admittedly I experienced this as kid rather than adult with my own but my family and my DH family strategy is:

  • young couple stay over with parents
  • young couple with good income (30s) hotel by choice
  • young family < 3 either all in the house due to ease of facilities as siblings are not at same stage so can hotel or all in premier inn
  • 4/5 ish and the kids stay at grannies and parents get hotel ... quite liked this when I was a kid and looking forward to carrying it on.

Though I’m pleased to say camp beds have come on a lot since the 90s.

Though - my family is further flung (And partly abroad).

jibberjabb · 11/12/2020 14:54

Your husband sees it as a get out clause and I think you should be happy. If I were you, I wouldn't mention that they have downsized and no way your family will fit in it until they've actually moved in. My parents live 2 hours away and I often stay because my old room is still there and I have my old king size bed. They've also got my lo a travel cot but if they didn't keep my old room, it would have been a day trip for me. No way I'm sleeping in a living room and on the sofa. My back is too precious especially after a traumatic birth. Plus you've got kids and sleep is precious and the last thing you need is to have interrupted sleep by being in a lounge area or some box room on some single bed or crooked sofa.

merrymouse · 11/12/2020 14:55

The key things you have to remember are:

You can choose what you want to do.

Your MIL can choose whether or not she likes your choice. That is completely outside your control.

You can still choose what you want to do.

Seeingadistance · 11/12/2020 14:59

I do appreciate that all families are different, but really being a 90 minute drive away is still reasonably local. As pps have pointed out, for many people that’s a daily commute to work. Does your DH come from a family who all live within the same few streets of each other, and he’s the one who escaped? I have cousins who moved to the other side of the world, and my DPs have many friends with adult children in NZ, Australia, Canada ...

Growing up, my grandparents lived over an hours drive away, and we never stayed overnight as a family. Sometimes my sister and I stayed for a few days, but that was a holiday for us.

soschreibfaul · 11/12/2020 15:00

Usually there’s a soft DH who insists on keeping his mother happy..

In this case DH is the opposite. Looking for jobs in the USA. - great way to reply.

OP doesn’t seem to realise how lucky she is. She’s the one who needs to be firmer and more matter of fact.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 11/12/2020 15:03

Definitely stick to day trips and the occasional hotel/Airbnb if you stay longer once in a while.

My Il’s live much further away so we have to stay a few nights when we visit. They always wanted us to stay at their house, but after one awful experience of four nights on camp beds in their basement- it was so uncomfortable that none of slept well, including the children- I’ve insisted on finding accommodation! It’s so much better when we’re all well rested.

Do you hat works best for your family, it sounds as if your DH is happy to.😄

Chailatte20 · 11/12/2020 15:04

I'd book a hotel for 1/2 nights max and go for a shorter visit. Perfect time to adapt the new circumstances to make changes to suit you. If questioned about short visit, say you can't afford to book a hotel for an extended stay. Although they are welcome to come and stay with you & leave it at that.

MaryLeeOnHigh · 11/12/2020 15:04

@CuriousaboutSamphire

DH thinks I’m overthinking the whole thing and has told me he’s pleased at the prospect of having a ‘get out clause’ for staying the night. But I don’t like the ambiguity. THAT sticks out! your DP is looking for an excuse not to go to HIS OWN PARENTS.

Stop facilitating something he does not want to happen! Let him deal with it, let him use the excuse he has told you he pleased to have been offered!

No, he's looking for an excuse not to stay the night. Not the same thing at all.
CuriousaboutSamphire · 11/12/2020 15:11

Context, MaryLee.... Read what OP has written....

UniversalAunt · 11/12/2020 15:20

I think that they’ve got the message that you are not keen on extended stay overs. Being practical, having a ‘spare room’ for the few days when you may stay does not suit them any more so they have made a move to somewhere they prefer.

Moving in due course a bit closer to ageing parents is a life step many of us make for mutual convenience, reassurance & common sense.

Moving closer to fit, healthy & willing parents during your child rearing years to gain family support is also a life step many of us make.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/12/2020 15:25

I'd say nothing to them now. After they move and the first visit is near you and DH decide between yourselves between making the visit a day trip or booking a hotel (if in the budget). Try to put off any discussions.

You'll simply have to 'announce' to his parents that "Now that you have downsized we'll be 'day tripping/staying at a hotel since there is not a spare room at your new place". Don't pack for overnight if you plan to day trip. And tell them the hotel is paid for and non-refundable. It's all about a 'fait accompli'; "We didn't pack for overnight" or "We've already spent the money on a hotel".

pallisers · 11/12/2020 15:33

Your dh has the right approach to all this. Every time your mil talks about you moving just say "oh you'll have to talk to dh about that" and change the subject.

90 minutes away seems like nothing to me.

MaryLeeOnHigh · 11/12/2020 15:34

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Context, MaryLee.... Read what OP has written....
She's written "he’s pleased at the prospect of having a ‘get out clause’ for staying the night". As I said.
stepintotwitmas · 11/12/2020 15:34

Hotel/B and B - that is what we did when PILs downsized to a one-bed flat.
Plus it meant we could limit it due to the expense, e.g. to only one night, bonus!

Original poster
Circumlocutious · 11/12/2020 15:35

@ineedaholidaynow

Have you had reduced visits in the last few months, and have they coped, or are you still doing visits every month?
We’ve only seen them once since the start of the pandemic. DH is ECV so we are being extra careful. They don’t want to meet outdoors for a few hours since it’s not a proper visit, and we don’t want to meet indoors, so it’s all stagnated.
OP posts:
gypsywater · 11/12/2020 15:38

Surely it's quite normal to have to sleep in the lounge when visiting family? Even with kids. Not ideal, just normal.

gypsywater · 11/12/2020 15:38

Having said that, I wouldnt stay over anyones house who lived only 90 mins away! That's nothing.

Feedingthebirds1 · 11/12/2020 15:46

DH knows this, so his response to the idea of us relocating closer to them is to say he's seriously considering work opportunities in the US

GrinGrinGrin

I think I love your DH.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 11/12/2020 15:47

"Work opportunities in the USA"? Grin
Your DH has the measure of them, why on earth are you so stressed. Start taking notes.

Or take them literally and rock up for your first visit to the new house with two travel cots, a high chair, a ton of play dough and other deterrents. Doubt they will be so insistent again. Coming to yours will suddenly be all the more palatable.