Staying at ILs with no spare bedroom

[Circumlocutious]

DH and I have a toddler, and have been together for about five years. In that time, we normally go stay at my ILs for 1-2 nights, maybe once a month or so. Was every 3 weeks before DD came alone. We stay a little longer in the holidays, but never more than 4 nights. This is very much something we’ve done at their insistence - they’ve gone on about how important it is that we stay, please can we stay longer in the summer, etc... to the point where they generally appear upset / ‘surprised’ when we announce our agreed upon departure (somewhat frustrating and dampens the mood). They live 1 hr 30 minute drive away.

I didn’t mind staying even after DD’s birth because they’ve always had a spare room where I’ve felt comfortable BFing etc, retreating briefly for some space. We’re currently due a second baby in the spring.

Anyway, now they’re planning to downsize to a two bedroom house. MIL and FIL have slept in separate bedrooms for a long time and will be doing the same here. I’m wondering about the expected arrangement here? Staying the night as a family, including a baby who will probably be BF, and having to sleep in the lounge just doesn’t seem practical. Neither is MIL vacating her room every time which I would hate. But then in my mind is their constant fixation with us staying the night which is incompatible with their new choice of house.

I don’t want to mention this issue because a) they can relocate to wherever they like, and b) it might open up a can of worms with MiLs recent ‘mission’ and favourite topic: to try to get us to move closer to them (within 30 mins drive). ‘Where are we going to stay the night’ would provide a perfect opening when this is a subject we’re not entertaining atm.

DH thinks I’m overthinking the whole thing and has told me he’s pleased at the prospect of having a ‘get out clause’ for staying the night. But I don’t like the ambiguity.

WWYD in terms of staying somewhere with young children and no spare bedroom? Get an Air BnB maybe?

DH’s POV is to let his parents make their own decisions and own them, independently of our input (or what they’ll portray as our meddling). Then when the first visit arrives, just make it clear that we’re not staying because it’s not convenient. And in the meantime, to stop thinking about future scenarios until they come to unfold.

I think this is a very good strategy.

If I'm not wrong the ILs haven't actually said they expect you to stay over now they don't have a spare bedroom? Act as though you never imagined they could ever ask something so unreasonable!

On a wider level I think not second-guessing/worrying about hypothetical problems is good life advice. This is quite literally something that you can file away as Not Your Problem.

Are they downsizing to try to force you to move closer, because they obviously want want to see you less so won’t imagine the overnights will stop...

Don’t want I mean

They don't sound nice people at all, especially as they won't meet you for a walk outside and don't think it's worth going just for the day. I wouldn't be trying to appease them all the time.

DHs siblings live within walking distance of his parents, so we would end up staying the night at PIL at their request.

You don't have to agree to their request. You don't need to be so passive.

Unless you actually want to stay, don't stay.

I'm afraid I'm with your DH on this one. The "get out clause" would be just too great a treasure to behold. But then I suppose my parents are dead and my DH's parents live in Sweden and even when they are in the UK don't want to see us anyway, so we've always got a get out clause :D

I totally get you op!
The issue isn't really about staying or not, it's the grief and the endless snide comments you then have to deal with before, during and after which means you dread going, don't have a good time and pay for it long after as well!
Mine is similar, whatever we do isn't good enough for her. The cuddles arnt long enough, we didn't stay long enough, God knows the list is endless.

BC it was fine as I was happy to go along with her whims to make DH and her happy. DH has a deep need to gain his mother's approval so always gets upset when she complains which then leads into issues between us when we arnt even with them.

Now we have a dc and another on the way I'm not willing to fit our lives in around her needs all the time when she is so ungrateful. My DH works shifts so we only get 2 weekends out of 6 as a family, when we have other commitments and family and friends to fit in seeing too in those precious few days. We still get all the comments and assumptions of plans and it still pisses me off. Christmas day is a prime example.

Tbh there have been many times over the last couple of years where I've wound myself up about things that haven't happened, purely because I know they probably will and it will bug me that I can't just tell her to do one after she deliberately makes me feel bad to try and manipulate me into doing what she wants. If she was my own family or a friend I could be honest with her and tbh id cut such a toxic person from my life, but as she's his dm it would create so much agro I can't even tell her how rude she's being. (bil no longer speaks to her due to her behaviour do dh now feels he has to provide 2 sons worth of attention, can't upset her etc)

Not much advice to offer bar sometimes it's easier to suck up the comments if it means you live the life you want to live and try not to let them affect you. This time round with my new baby I won't be having them round every other day like with my first! Even that wasn't enough visiting in her eyes... So I know there will be fallout from a lot less contact and pressure from DH to see them more. Sigh.

Surely they will share when you’re visiting. Having separate rooms is fine normally but they can’t expect 4 to stay with no room with them in one each. That said maybe they are fed up of your visits...

DH’s POV is to let his parents make their own decisions and own them, independently of our input (or what they’ll portray as our meddling). Then when the first visit arrives, just make it clear that we’re not staying because it’s not convenient. And in the meantime, to stop thinking about future scenarios until they come to unfold.

He's exactly right. I can't see what you're in such a flap about to be honest. This board is full of useless DHs who can't disentangle from their toxic parents - you've got a normal, grown-up for a husband. They're his family, follow his lead and grow a backbone. If his mum calls you trying the emotional blackmail/manipulation angle - tell her you don't feel comfortable with the conversation and direct her to her son.

Is there a public transport option? I find driving with children much more trouble than eg driving to work. Children like buses and trains as well.
Spending time with extended family is important for children so I think it's great you're making such an effort and that you get along well.

It looks like this can be put totally on your bloke tbh. He sounds as if he has a handle on his own parents. Just direct his mother to him and refuse to discuss it.

Very obviously look at hotels in the area and say 'it's quite expensive. We'd only be able to manage one or two nights'