Staying at ILs with no spare bedroom

[Circumlocutious]

DH and I have a toddler, and have been together for about five years. In that time, we normally go stay at my ILs for 1-2 nights, maybe once a month or so. Was every 3 weeks before DD came alone. We stay a little longer in the holidays, but never more than 4 nights. This is very much something we’ve done at their insistence - they’ve gone on about how important it is that we stay, please can we stay longer in the summer, etc... to the point where they generally appear upset / ‘surprised’ when we announce our agreed upon departure (somewhat frustrating and dampens the mood). They live 1 hr 30 minute drive away.

I didn’t mind staying even after DD’s birth because they’ve always had a spare room where I’ve felt comfortable BFing etc, retreating briefly for some space. We’re currently due a second baby in the spring.

Anyway, now they’re planning to downsize to a two bedroom house. MIL and FIL have slept in separate bedrooms for a long time and will be doing the same here. I’m wondering about the expected arrangement here? Staying the night as a family, including a baby who will probably be BF, and having to sleep in the lounge just doesn’t seem practical. Neither is MIL vacating her room every time which I would hate. But then in my mind is their constant fixation with us staying the night which is incompatible with their new choice of house.

I don’t want to mention this issue because a) they can relocate to wherever they like, and b) it might open up a can of worms with MiLs recent ‘mission’ and favourite topic: to try to get us to move closer to them (within 30 mins drive). ‘Where are we going to stay the night’ would provide a perfect opening when this is a subject we’re not entertaining atm.

DH thinks I’m overthinking the whole thing and has told me he’s pleased at the prospect of having a ‘get out clause’ for staying the night. But I don’t like the ambiguity.

WWYD in terms of staying somewhere with young children and no spare bedroom? Get an Air BnB maybe?

PIL are 1hr 20 away and MIL comes to us to look after DS once a week! Perfect excuse'not to stay anymore, just keep quiet until they've moved. If you spend just as much time staying at your mum's don't you feel short-changed in terms of time to do things on your own as a family or just get things done at home?

You can't possibly all be sleeping on sofas. Especially if you're expecting!

you don't have to if you don't want to, but why on earth can't? What's wrong with sofas now? Assuming it's a sofa bed.

I don’t understand why you’re doing all the travelling. We don’t expect our adult kids with a two year old and a baby to come to us. We visit them and stay in an hotel. It gives them - and us - some privacy.

It’s not even like you’re trying to please your DH! This is madness.

Wait until they’ve moved before you say anything though.

Well, this staying overnight as a family thing would have to end, eventually, anyway. It's just not practical, or at least not nearly so frequently.

If your MIL starts pestering you on the phone, I'd get your husband to speak to her about it-- but maybe it won't come to that.

90 Minutes is normal daily commuting for a lot of people, not the end of the world.

So they want you to move closer to them? If they're moving anyway, they could be the ones to move closer.

You are overthinking this. I sleep in our 'spare' room because DH snores so much. When we have (or at the moment I should say when we had) guests I sleep in 'our' room. It's a no brainer. Or like Dh says, drive home after a visit.

Agree with others...most of my family live 1 hr 45 or 2 hrs away and we always do it in a day. I’d rather have longer on the road and arrive home late and in one day and get us and DCs into our own beds than stay over with anyone.

@HitthatroadJack

You can't possibly all be sleeping on sofas. Especially if you're expecting!

you don't have to if you don't want to, but why on earth can't? What's wrong with sofas now? Assuming it's a sofa bed.

It's in a public room. There's nowhere to put your stuff. You can't go to bed early or nip upstairs to get changed. You have to be up and dressed before anyone else. Comfy sofa beds don't exist.

Day trips in future I think.

I would either book a B&B or do the trip there and back in a day. No way would I consent to overnight stays on an air mattress on the floor with a couple of small children!

Why are they so insistent you stay over and for extended stays, too?

They're very frequent sleepovers! I'd say 3/4 times a year is reasonable. You both can do day visits in between, it's not really a massive drive.

I don't think its suitable with such a young child to not have a guest bedroom to sleep in so just let them move and if they ask for you to sleep over just say "we can't, there's no where for us to sleep."

Who moved away? I do think the people who moved away are responsible for the bulk of the travel. Especially as parents get old and start to struggle. Whether that be regular day trips or less regular sleepovers.

Maybe (whatever reason) MIL and Fil don't share a room (snoring or insomnia etc) they are willing to do so for a few nights to give the other room to you DH and baby. If so, with enough beds, it might be feasible. I don't see any harm or problem with simply saying to MIL, where could we sleep at your new place? Pregnant and baby etc.

If she replies " you and DH and baby and bump  are on the sofa bed in the sitting room " you just let  DHbreak the news to  his parents, you won't do it. Ever.

OP I have inlaws like this, who have also told us not to bother coming to see them if we aren't planning on staying with them as long as they would like. So I understand why you are bracing yourself.

I don't think there is much you can do but wait and see if your DP sticks with his boundaries and doesn't indulge some other demands they may come up with.

Oh how I would wish for my husband to see it as a get out clause despite my inlaws having a 2 bedroom and the second room is a box room where we sleep on a sofa. I told my DH no more as I get back aches from it plus it's a tiny sofa bed where my legs poke out. My own parents live 1.30 hours away and I managed to go early in the morning, have dc's nap together and come back in the evening all in one day. It's doable plus I'm assuming you go together with DH so there's always someone at the back to entertain the babies. Don't stay over, it's not practical or let them come to you instead although I'd rather go and come back the same day as I hate when my inlaws come around as they are always wondering around in the flat. Just sit down and enjoy your grandchildren ffs don't go after adventures. I see going outside a mission and I prefer to undertake this mission with people I enjoy spending time with and I can't really leave dc with them as he is breast fed so I have to tag along.

This sounds ideal, though? Wait til they’ve moved and invite you: ah, no, can’t stay over because we’re four now and there’s no room. Can’t do a day trip because the baby shouldn’t be in the car seat that long / sitting that long plays havoc with your birth injuries (they don’t need to know whether you have them or not) / new baby’s a poor sleeper and will keep everyone awake crammed together in a room - plus unsafe to drive when that tired. Looks like you’ll have to come to us!

Then “No, that won’t work for us” on repeat and hand the phone to DH. I’d be DELIGHTED in your shoes!

Comfy sofa beds don't exist

Really? I must have imagined mine, then. And I know it’s comfy because I’ve had several excellent nights’ sleep on it.

Your last post makes me suspect they are playing the long game...
When your dd is at school they can pull the oh but dd has always slept over... And pressure for overnights alone...

Perfect get out clause. I'd be delighted!

If they insist on having you stay nearby in the future stay in a family hotel room nearby.

2 young kids, no spare room, and you're only 90 mins drive away?

It would be silly of them to expect you to continue to stay over so much.

Maybe pack the kids off to them every now and again if you're all happy with that, but I wouldn't be staying over there as a whole family. Seems silly.

I agree with PPs - let them downsize then either Air BnB or go home. But don't EVER cave in and stay in their lounge, or you'll have no excuse "Well, you slept there last time."

90 minutes is fine to do as a day trip. Once a month is plenty if you are ok doing that (6 weeks or couple of months would also be fine!). Maybe a couple of times a year you can arrange to stay over in an airbnb or travelogde/premier inn so you can see them 2 consecutive days. And they come to you a couple of times a year too. If your MIL is desperate for you to be living closer to each other, she could always downsize to somewhere nearer you...