Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Staying at ILs with no spare bedroom

186 replies

Circumlocutious · 11/12/2020 11:55

DH and I have a toddler, and have been together for about five years. In that time, we normally go stay at my ILs for 1-2 nights, maybe once a month or so. Was every 3 weeks before DD came alone. We stay a little longer in the holidays, but never more than 4 nights. This is very much something we’ve done at their insistence - they’ve gone on about how important it is that we stay, please can we stay longer in the summer, etc... to the point where they generally appear upset / ‘surprised’ when we announce our agreed upon departure (somewhat frustrating and dampens the mood). They live 1 hr 30 minute drive away.

I didn’t mind staying even after DD’s birth because they’ve always had a spare room where I’ve felt comfortable BFing etc, retreating briefly for some space. We’re currently due a second baby in the spring.

Anyway, now they’re planning to downsize to a two bedroom house. MIL and FIL have slept in separate bedrooms for a long time and will be doing the same here. I’m wondering about the expected arrangement here? Staying the night as a family, including a baby who will probably be BF, and having to sleep in the lounge just doesn’t seem practical. Neither is MIL vacating her room every time which I would hate. But then in my mind is their constant fixation with us staying the night which is incompatible with their new choice of house.

I don’t want to mention this issue because a) they can relocate to wherever they like, and b) it might open up a can of worms with MiLs recent ‘mission’ and favourite topic: to try to get us to move closer to them (within 30 mins drive). ‘Where are we going to stay the night’ would provide a perfect opening when this is a subject we’re not entertaining atm.

DH thinks I’m overthinking the whole thing and has told me he’s pleased at the prospect of having a ‘get out clause’ for staying the night. But I don’t like the ambiguity.

WWYD in terms of staying somewhere with young children and no spare bedroom? Get an Air BnB maybe?

OP posts:
SurferRona · 11/12/2020 13:36

Why on earth are you staying over at only 90 mins away? That’s a routine daily commute for many!! Don’t say anything and maybe increase frequency of day visits in future instead!

nauticant · 11/12/2020 13:36

Let them get on with their move. Don't make any comment.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake

- Napoleon Bonaparte

HoppingPavlova · 11/12/2020 13:37

Also don’t understand not being able to drive 90mins. Seriously if under 2hrs, no way would we be sleeping over at someone’s house. Do you both drink when you go there? Then I could understand not being able to drive back. Suggest maybe taking it in turns so one trip someone can drink, the other drive etc.

SamPoodle123 · 11/12/2020 13:37

I would say it depends how considerate they are if they really want you to stay. If that is the case, one should offer to share the room with the other or sleep in the lounge themselves!

When my in laws come or my mother, we give them the best room for them, even if it means it makes things difficult for us! Currently, my mother sleeps in the master room with my daughter and I sleep in the playroom in the mattress on the floor, while she visits. We do this because she is old and not practical for her to walk up all those steps and we want her to feel comfortable. Even though she insists she can sleep in the playroom.

When my in laws came we did the same.

CrystalMaisie · 11/12/2020 13:40

Just visit for the day and be glad you have a valid reason not to stay. It’ll soon become the norm.

user1487194234 · 11/12/2020 13:41

And then there’ll be the upset phone calls from MIL to me that I’ll be on the receiving end of...

Married 20 years ,good relationship with in laws,no way I would put up with that type of call

Any arrangements, present discussions whatever I always say 'I'll put you on to DH' on that

Feedingthebirds1 · 11/12/2020 13:50

You're way over thinking this. DH appears to be internally bouncing with glee at the prospect of the visits coming to an end, so let him deal with it and support him. WHEN it happens.

If DH was insisting that visits will continue and you'll just have to put up with it, you'd have a problem. But he isn't, so you're imagining an issue that doesn't exist.

PurpleMustang · 11/12/2020 13:54

I would play dumb and say nothing with this. When they move and ask you to stay, just 'assume' you are going for the day. And if she says something say "Well as you got a 2 bed, we assumed its day trips now as no where to sleep". If she has picked 'extra big rooms' for DGD to stay over then there is now way she is saying they will stay in one so you have the other. How is this even going to work as the kids get older? Or does she also really think as DGD gets older she is going to want to sleep in the same room as granny? All a bit bizarre but a definite point to change it to how you want. And agree here. 1hr n half is usually a day thing, over that is a stay and that is for super long sport competition days

CarryOnFestiveNamechanging · 11/12/2020 13:59

1.5 hours is nothing. This makes things much easier - just go for the day.

pictish · 11/12/2020 14:04

1.5 hours is a day trip. They haven’t got the room for you to stay now anyway. I agree with whoever else said that it’s an opportunity to rework the arrangement to suit you more. All that staying over sounds like a pain in the arse.

VestaTilley · 11/12/2020 14:05

Just start going for the day only- if they ask why you tell them it’s because they chose to downsize. Ask them if they’re planning on giving up a room to you- if they’re not, you don’t stay over.

You can’t be paying for an AirBnB every month or being pressured to move closer- it’s ludicrous. Also, why don’t they take it in turns to visit you? That’s far more reasonable as you’ve got 1 DC and another on the way.

I wouldn’t be travelling at all with a newborn for a while. Get them to come to you, and if they won’t then just visit for the day. Put your foot down.

pictish · 11/12/2020 14:06

And whoever said let your dh use the ‘no room’ excuse...they are right. They are his parents, he can deal with their demands and disappointment.

notangelinajolie · 11/12/2020 14:07

I wouldn't say anything. Your DH is right, it sounds like the perfect get out clause.

Member984815 · 11/12/2020 14:11

I'm with your Husband , I'd never want to be in this kind of arrangement

mindutopia · 11/12/2020 14:13

It's not really possible to stay with anyone easily when you have two children (god, even one dc!) and there is no option for a spare room. I think this is a normal point to hit at a certain point in adult life when you start having children and everyone starts settling down. You can't just crash on the sofa anymore. It's the same with longtime friends. Unless they are independently wealthy and can afford massive houses, there just isn't easily space with young dc, especially when they have dc of their own. When we visit friends and family now, we get a holiday cottage nearby. That's the best we can do. But I definitely wouldn't be doing it monthly as it gets expensive and disruptive with small dc. Maybe you can plan for quarterly instead?

Inkpaperstars · 11/12/2020 14:14

Living one and a half hours away is not ‘so far’, fo a lot of people that would be the kind of distance involved after they had moved to be closer or family! Besides which if your ILs are moving house, they have just had the opportunity to move closer to you which they haven’t taken.

I have some relatives who sleep in separate rooms because they have the space but usually just go back in one room together when guests arrive, so be warned your ILs may be intending that. Don’t be pressured though. You are facilitating a close relationship with their dgc and seeing them often...you don’t have to always put up with all their strange views or demands.

Ladsladslads · 11/12/2020 14:17

We could have the same in-laws. It's very tedious. Mine have a spare room but it's so small you can't get a double bed and a travel cot in. DH and I have either had to squash into a single or sleep on the floor in the lounge. They live an hour away but still through huffs when we decline staying the night....

ineedaholidaynow · 11/12/2020 14:24

How far away do your parents live?

Much easier just to go for the day, especially when your children get older and start having to go to parties, sports activities etc.

Original poster
Circumlocutious · 11/12/2020 14:26

@Santaisironingwrappingpaper

Your last post makes me suspect they are playing the long game... When your dd is at school they can pull the oh but dd has always slept over... And pressure for overnights alone...
They were pressuring for overnights with DD when she was 3 months old. And EBF! 'You're staying here for two weeks young lady! Say bye to mum and dad' Tongue-in-cheek? Yes but always with a hint towards the long game. It's like the 'anchoring point' during negotiations: mention something so outlandish that anything else sees eminently reasonable. I guess it's why I overthink the phone calls. They're so loaded with all kinds of latent messaging.

DH knows this, so his response to the idea of us relocating closer to them is to say he's seriously considering work opportunities in the US. Probably why they never talk to him about it and try to send 'messages' through me instead.

OP posts:
SomewhereInbetween1 · 11/12/2020 14:26

We regularly stay over at my MIL house and she's only 40 mins away 🙈

BackforGood · 11/12/2020 14:27

I'm with your dh too. It is the perfect reason for not being able to stay over other than in exceptional circumstances.
I'm not one of these posters who loves driving 6 hours each way somewhere, but even I think 90mins is a journey I could do twice in a day when I visit people.

Wingedharpy · 11/12/2020 14:30

I wonder if your IL's want to see you as much/often as you think they do?

User27aw · 11/12/2020 14:34

I don't know why you ever stayed overnight. My parents live 1 hour and 40 mins away (more in summer its a tourist area) I have never stayed overnight. I have 3 dc, dh normally stays at home. We arrive at 11 and leave about 4. It works really well for timings, perfect for a day trip.

Original poster
Circumlocutious · 11/12/2020 14:35

@Wingedharpy

I wonder if your IL's want to see you as much/often as you think they do?
I think that they've had enough of us staying a few nights and thinking that's enough, we've done our bit to see them. They want us to relocate to within a 20-30 minute drive, max. MiL mentions this to me every other phone call: 'please move closer to us' (we only bought our first house less than a year ago!)

I don't think they expect that by downsizing we're just going to do neither.

OP posts:
JillofTrades · 11/12/2020 14:35

Why are you even making this an issue when your dp is looking at it as a good reason to cut out this arrangement. I don't know why yourll are even staying over in the first place when they are so close by.
Don't enter into any discussions about it. From your side your stance should be that the overnights need to stop now. Honestly It's a bit ridiculous that this is a monthly commitment. As a couple it seems like overkill but with 2 kids it would be a hell No.

Swipe left for the next trending thread