Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Staying at ILs with no spare bedroom

186 replies

Circumlocutious · 11/12/2020 11:55

DH and I have a toddler, and have been together for about five years. In that time, we normally go stay at my ILs for 1-2 nights, maybe once a month or so. Was every 3 weeks before DD came alone. We stay a little longer in the holidays, but never more than 4 nights. This is very much something we’ve done at their insistence - they’ve gone on about how important it is that we stay, please can we stay longer in the summer, etc... to the point where they generally appear upset / ‘surprised’ when we announce our agreed upon departure (somewhat frustrating and dampens the mood). They live 1 hr 30 minute drive away.

I didn’t mind staying even after DD’s birth because they’ve always had a spare room where I’ve felt comfortable BFing etc, retreating briefly for some space. We’re currently due a second baby in the spring.

Anyway, now they’re planning to downsize to a two bedroom house. MIL and FIL have slept in separate bedrooms for a long time and will be doing the same here. I’m wondering about the expected arrangement here? Staying the night as a family, including a baby who will probably be BF, and having to sleep in the lounge just doesn’t seem practical. Neither is MIL vacating her room every time which I would hate. But then in my mind is their constant fixation with us staying the night which is incompatible with their new choice of house.

I don’t want to mention this issue because a) they can relocate to wherever they like, and b) it might open up a can of worms with MiLs recent ‘mission’ and favourite topic: to try to get us to move closer to them (within 30 mins drive). ‘Where are we going to stay the night’ would provide a perfect opening when this is a subject we’re not entertaining atm.

DH thinks I’m overthinking the whole thing and has told me he’s pleased at the prospect of having a ‘get out clause’ for staying the night. But I don’t like the ambiguity.

WWYD in terms of staying somewhere with young children and no spare bedroom? Get an Air BnB maybe?

OP posts:
YouWantToDoWhatInAPyrexDish · 12/12/2020 21:09

That’s the perfect get out clause! Don’t mention before they move - I’d just innocently be assuming that by downsizing their intention was not to have as regular overnight stays especially as you don’t live that far away. Perhaps you could stay in an Airbnb for a couple nights for special occasions once or twice a year but other than that do day trips.

katy1213 · 12/12/2020 21:15

It is not the purpose of your life to provide entertainment to extended family.

FelicisNox · 12/12/2020 21:27

This is my understanding:

  1. your PIL are very pushy re: visiting and are playing the long game in terms of overnight visits for DD and for you to move nearer to them.

  2. your DH isn't actually that keen on even visiting but lacks the balls to just deal with his own mother.

Both these issues puts you squarely in the middle. You have a PIL AND a DH problem don't you?

I'm with you TBH. I also don't like to just waft, I like to know what's what. This is what I would do: speak to DH and ascertain what exactly the issue is between him and his parents and tell him from now on he will be fielding the majority of calls from his mum and he will need to stop stalling and deal with her where appropriate because actually it's not your job and you need to stop enabling this ridiculous charade.

Once you've dealt with him, he needs to call his mum and tell her once and for all that you will not be staying overnight when they move because it will not be suitable for you and when she protests that it will be (which she will) he needs to stand his ground and say "no mum, I'm not asking, I'm informing you that the visits overnight will stop because we are not happy with that lack of personal space so it will be an on the day visit only".

It's all well and good saying leave it because it's a get out jail free card but that's quite cruel towards his mum and will just create more conflict not less when she realises (and she will) that her son has played her.

You're all adults, act like it and communicate.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 12/12/2020 21:37

Don't understand why you sleep over once a month when it's a 90 minute drive.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 12/12/2020 21:38

My family live a 7 hour round trip away and we stay over as its bloody far but have done it in a day.

Davros · 12/12/2020 22:15

We visited DS today who is 25 and has severe ASD and lives in a residential placement. It's 2hrs each way. At the moment, because of CV19, we only stay 1.5 hrs and come home again. It's a bit tiring but easily doable.

DeeCeeCherry · 12/12/2020 22:26

I couldn't be bothered with all that enforced visiting. You're either a glutton for punishment, or martyred to some kind of obscure family regimented rules. & Your DH should have knocked this inconvenient level/type of visits on the head ages ago, he's married to you not his mummy and daddy. Life changes. Now it's yesss there's a get-out clause, as if neither of you can just speak up and say you will do visits but not overnight. Just all sounds like subjecting yourselves to control. Life's too short not to say what you really want to happen, honestly.

LouiseTrees · 12/12/2020 22:36

They could relocate. Especially if they are downsizing.

Celestine70 · 12/12/2020 23:32

Maybe they are moving closer to you?

Winterwoollies · 12/12/2020 23:45

No. Just, no. They found completely crackers and needy AF. I sympathise, my ILs are similar.

Cherrysoup · 13/12/2020 00:15

Are they retired? If so, why didn’t they move closer to you if they’re so keen? Follow your DH’s lead, it’s his family. He’s over the moon to have a get out clause, let him do the organising.

Xmassprout · 13/12/2020 00:21

I'm another one thats quite surprised about the need to stay for not all that great a distance.

My parents live an hour away and I would normally be visiting them weekly with my baby and toddler.

I wouldn't mention anything. Wait until they move and then if they push for you to stay you just say its not plausible since there is no longer a spare room

Kippure · 13/12/2020 00:47

As a word of caution, some people are just entirely unaware of how uncomfortable and/or un-private their houses are for guests.

I know my parents are puzzled and hurt about my brother and his wife not coming to stay with them often, or remaining long when they do, but the fact is that they simply don’t realise how cramped and unpleasant it is to stay over at their house. There’s one bathroom, which involves walking from the bedrooms through both the living room and the kitchen to get to it, and the bathroom (which has a frosted glass door and gives directly onto the glass back door) has no storage or even a shelf, so you have to swag your tampons, toilet bag etc all through the house with you and be visible in outline on the loo or in the shower. The guestroom looks straight out onto the street on the ground floor, and has no nets or anything, so you have to keep the curtains shut if you want to change your clothes.

My brother and I grew up there so are used to it, and my parents think it’s normal, but my SIL grew up somewhere bigger and with more privacy.

Original poster
Circumlocutious · 13/12/2020 01:08

Thanks all for the continued input. ILs have no desire to move closer to us. They live in the same city as DHs siblings, in a tight-knit coterie (think walking distance), and have an expectation that everyone should flock to them - careers, schooling, living preferences are all irrelevant. We have no intention of doing this of course.

@FelicisNox

It’s definitely a tempting conversation. The problem is that being frank with MIL generally backfires. It’s precisely what she wants: the opportunity to air out all her grievances and have a big argument, twisting the reality of the situation in the process.

  • If staying over is SO important to you, why don’t you come more often/for longer?
  • So if we don’t downsize you’ll lengthen your visits?
  • You bought a house wherever you wanted, with only two bedrooms - you’re saying we can’t do the same?

And so on.

DH’s POV is to let his parents make their own decisions and own them, independently of our input (or what they’ll portray as our meddling). Then when the first visit arrives, just make it clear that we’re not staying because it’s not convenient. And in the meantime, to stop thinking about future scenarios until they come to unfold.

In terms of why we’ve acquiesced for so long: over the years there have been quite a few other heated exchanges between DH and his patents, red lines / boundaries drawn as a result. I guess this hasn’t been the hill we’ve chosen to die on so far, but the overnights were bound to change with the arrival of kids and further social commitments.

OP posts:
Yeahnahmum · 13/12/2020 01:50

No fucking way
Just tell him you arennot doing it.
He can take the kid though 😊 free time for mama. Haha

caringcarer · 13/12/2020 01:54

We go to see in-laws 3 times a year. During this time mil moves back in with fil bedroom. We sleep in her room and foster son sleeps in a bed in a box in dining room. We usually only stay one night and mil insists she does not mind even though Fil snores. In summer we sometimes stay over for 2-3 nights but mil insists it is not a problem. She loves to have her son home for fussing over.

ClaryFairchild · 13/12/2020 02:24

Once your DC are at primary age you really won't want to go that often or for so many days.

The DCs will have birthday parties that they will want to go to, if they play a sport you will need to commit to the time the sport is played, whatever time that may be. Your life will need to start revolving more around the community you're in with your DC. To not do that will mean your add risk being left behind friendship wise.

Yeahnahmum · 13/12/2020 02:25

Plus :it is only a 90 minute trip .
Not like it is 3 hours there and another3 back. Just go for the day and go home.
Once a month. And if they wanna see you more often they can come to you (havent rtft if that is possible for them )

that1970shouse · 13/12/2020 03:18

Normally on these threads, the OP is battling with her DH who doesn’t want to upset his parents. Your DH sounds eminently sensible, however. I’d be guided by him and if he’s not agonising over it then neither should you.

winniestone37 · 13/12/2020 07:45

I whole heartedly agree with you and your husband is right- great get out clause. But what do you mean you do t like the ambiguity? Do you mean you’d like to ask them right now what their expectations and put them firmly in their place? Why? Why not wait until the situation arises and deal with it then, it makes more sense and is less agressive. Plus ambiguity is part of life no!? 🤷‍♀️

soschreibfaul · 13/12/2020 08:21

I must be missing something OP. It seems to be you who is making this fuss about what will happen when they move and how much of a problem it will be.

I agree with this: Your DH sounds eminently sensible, however. I’d be guided by him and if he’s not agonising over it then neither should you

Leave your DH to it.

RBKB · 13/12/2020 08:28

Now your DD is getting older and approaching school age, and another baby is on the way, tell them bedtime routines are vital and since the drive home is so easy you will come frequently for weekend lunches and leave by 4. State. And repeat.

Really...your inlaws are being super weird!!!! It is their issue if they get upset by your completely normal wish to settle your small child athome after a nice day with them.

WildfirePonie · 13/12/2020 10:34

OP, do you like/love/enjoy to visit your IL and stay over for the night?

Who usually arranges these visits? You or DH?

Now is a great time to knock these stay overs on the head. In fact you don't even need the excuse of them moving into a smaller property, you can just say no you're not staying over. And you don't have to answer to them if they call and complain.

VickyEadieofThigh · 13/12/2020 12:17

Do you really spend a weekend every month with your in laws and the same again with your parents? I could not stand that.

I know we're all different and I should never even consider judging what other people do by my own circumstances - but visiting my own family, much less the in-laws, so often would have driven me insane.

Original poster
Circumlocutious · 13/12/2020 12:22

@VickyEadieofThigh

Do you really spend a weekend every month with your in laws and the same again with your parents? I could not stand that.

I know we're all different and I should never even consider judging what other people do by my own circumstances - but visiting my own family, much less the in-laws, so often would have driven me insane.

I guess there’s mostly a context to it, with ILs. DH has a lot of young nieces and nephews, so we’ll be invited to attend their birthday parties / dinners (always at home with family). And like I mentioned, DHs siblings live within walking distance of his parents, so we would end up staying the night at PIL at their request.
OP posts: