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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu my boyfriend’s Facebook still says ‘single’ after 18 months

205 replies

finniesmummy · 11/12/2020 08:15

So, as title says, I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months now. His Facebook is still set as ‘single’.
It really upsets me but I’m not sure how to broach the subject and I’m loathe to cause any issues or arguments

OP posts:
TroysMammy · 11/12/2020 20:28

I've been living with my DP for 6 years, both our Facebook statuses still say single.

I understand there are people who want everyone of their Facebook friends people they've added over the years to post soppy "aw congratulations hun" messages and want loads of likes to make them feel special but really?

Elsielouise13 · 11/12/2020 20:29

Been married ten years, my husband isn’t my FB friend. My profile says.. um no idea...

If it’s an issue for you ask him. If it’s a worry for you that he isn’t committed.. ask him. Facebook status not a marker for relationship status for the over 15s I think...

liveitwell · 11/12/2020 20:30

@finniesmummy

Im not actually particularly bothered about the Facebook status thing. He’s friends with my brother on there and I saw it when I went into my bros room to grab something I needed. Never looked at it before then. And yes, my bf is always on Facebook- he uses it for his business a lot. Im mainly upset because there is no mention of me in his life anywhere and the Facebook thing just tops it off. I’ve never met his kids, friends, dad etc. I eventually met his mum and her partner about 3 months ago and that was the first she’d heard of me. When he mentioned his 2 best friends were maybe coming over to see meet up with him next week for a ‘blokes’ night, he suggested I didn’t come over that night. He says they know about me, but I have no idea if that’s true or not
Red flag.

Sorry but that's not right. He's hiding you and there must be a reason. I'd insist on starting to meet everyone or it would be over

OhCaptain · 11/12/2020 20:31

@Elsielouise13

Been married ten years, my husband isn’t my FB friend. My profile says.. um no idea...

If it’s an issue for you ask him. If it’s a worry for you that he isn’t committed.. ask him. Facebook status not a marker for relationship status for the over 15s I think...

Ffs! Why don’t people read the thread?!
CBAtothinkofyetanotherusername · 11/12/2020 20:34

@finniesmummy

There’s no pictures of me or us together or anything. It’s literally just him. I’m not on Facebook myself
You can’t be ‘in a relationship’ on Facebook with a specific person without linking to their Facebook.

I tried with Jude Law only joking Grin

MilerVino · 12/12/2020 10:04

Ffs! Why don’t people read the thread?!

They don't even need to do that. They could highlight the OP's posts and just read them but MN found even that level of effort was beyond many so there is now a handy 'See all' button at the bottom of the op but apparently even that is too much for some.

You can’t be ‘in a relationship’ on Facebook with a specific person without linking to their Facebook.

YOu can just be in a relationship without specifying a person. That's what I've done as it protects my partner's privacy whilst saying I'm not available. My partner is on FB but only to see some local pages and he uses it as little as possible.

Ginfordinner · 12/12/2020 10:23

I agree with you @MilerVino. Some posters are just too lazy. I find it so frustrating.

Speakingmymind · 13/12/2020 06:27

Ffs! Why don’t people read the thread?!

Far too busy dontcha know Grin They just drop in and leave their pearls of wisdom while not realising how stupid they look.

JacobReesMogadishu · 13/12/2020 06:32

If after 18 months a bloke was keeping me at arms length from their friends and family I’d be finishing things.

BlueSuffragette · 13/12/2020 07:24

As a secondary school teacher and as a parent you help teenagers deal with their emotions and in a pastoral sense try and build their sense of identity and self worth. I think you need to try and adopt the same approach to yourself OP. You say you have confidence dealing with teens. Maybe try and adopt some of your skills with this into your personal life. Fake it til you make it and all that. You need to have a discussion with him about this relationship as he doesn't sound as into it as you. It doesn't need to be confrontational. Build your self-worth or you will just be used and treated as a doormat. Good luck x

MimiDaisy11 · 13/12/2020 11:23

Ffs! Why don’t people read the thread?!

I agree it's annoying, but the OPs sometimes don't do themselves any favours by not putting more details in their original posts.

Santosi · 13/12/2020 11:30

is this for real? are you 15 of what?

It's frigging social media. I actually really feel sorry for people who get so absorbed and upset by this crap that is SM.

Goldensnitchy · 13/12/2020 11:39

@Santosi

is this for real? are you 15 of what?

It's frigging social media. I actually really feel sorry for people who get so absorbed and upset by this crap that is SM.

RTFT Hmm
Fatladyslim · 13/12/2020 11:44

That's nothing! Mine still says single after 10 years!

I don't feel a need to share any part of my real life on Facebook. I only have for groups and games.

OhCaptain · 13/12/2020 12:10

@Santosi

is this for real? are you 15 of what?

It's frigging social media. I actually really feel sorry for people who get so absorbed and upset by this crap that is SM.

I feel sorry for people who can’t read more than one post and then barrel in making a show of themselves with twatty comments.
OrigamiOwl · 13/12/2020 13:11

Still got his status set to single and no sign of you on his Facebook... I'd say that's a red flag and he's keeping you hidden.

OrigamiOwl · 13/12/2020 13:12

@Fatladyslim

That's nothing! Mine still says single after 10 years!

I don't feel a need to share any part of my real life on Facebook. I only have for groups and games.

Yes... But as you've said you only use it for groups and game...OP's BF is a much more active user, which makes it weird, like he's hiding her.
DianaT1969 · 13/12/2020 14:57

Forget the FB thing, just ask him why he hasn't introduced you to any.of his friends or family. Then wait. Wait for the answer, don't fill in any silences. From there, ask him if he sees your lives integrating more in the future.
But before you do that, head over to the dating thread and see how horrible and hard it is to meet someone through online dating. You have 3 children and a full-time, demanding job. Maybe a casual relationship, good company in the evening, sex and a few restaurant dinners is actually good your current life stage. Why rock the boat if you are getting what you need? Let's not kid ourselves that moving in together, with a blended family of 5 DC would be a picnic.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 13/12/2020 15:00

actually really feel sorry for people who get so absorbed and upset by this crap that is SM
Not upset or sorry enough to actually read @finniesmummy posts
Just upset and sorry enough to have an indignant tizzy

GeorgiaMcGraw · 13/12/2020 15:12

I'd feel unhappy about it too. He might not have realised, maybe just ask him. It's not immature to want your partner to stop calling themselves "single" on their public profile.

finniesmummy · 13/12/2020 15:17

So just a bit more info...
I am planning on moving to France summer 2022. That’s one of the main reason I moved into my parents- to help save money for the move.
My bf says he wants to join me. He’s busy building his business up more so that he can do so. So it seems like he wants some sort of future with us. But he even wants that on his terms.
He says that he will be coming back to uk every month to check on the business and see his kids. Never a mention of them coming over to stay or anything. Although, even now, they don’t stay at his house, so maybe that’s why...
@DianaT1969
I know how hard online dating is- that’s how I met my bf. But I’m not really getting what I want at that minute anyway. It’s hard work juggling my kids with my job and going to see him every night. At the minute, I’m pretty sure my life would be easier without the stress of this relationship in the way it is at the minute.....

OP posts:
oldshoeuk · 13/12/2020 23:03

Why wouldn't it worry you, it would certainly worry me. I have a FB account somewhere, I hate it and never use it, but if my partner regularly used it then yes I would be concerned. You don't seem to exist in his FB world.

Do you share friends, does he introduce you to people, does he talk to his friends about you? If you seem to exist in his 'real' world then I would calm down, if you're his little secret on the side then you need to think.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 13/12/2020 23:42

😂😂😂 mine still says singke and I've been with my partner for nearly 5 years. Its facebook ffs if I put I'm married and live in Hong Kong it doesn't make it true 😂 I hate Facebook though and never post anything I really only use it to stalk people 😬

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 13/12/2020 23:44

My partner uses his alot and did send me a relationship thing on there at one point but I ignored it.

RightYesButNo · 14/12/2020 07:22

Ok, so... been 18 months together yet he hasn’t introduced you to a single one of his friends or family members. In fact, when he was having a night with his best mates, he particularly asked you to make sure you weren’t there... but claims they definitely know about you.

Now you’re saying the reason you live with your parents is because you’re saving to move to France in summer 2022 (since that’s post-Brexit deadline 31/12/2020, I assume you’re a dual EU citizen or looking for a job offer, whichever, good luck), and there’s nothing wrong with any of that, but does that mean that he thinks he’s going to go on like this for another 18 months, keeping you in this separate compartment in his life, sneak away to France with you, and then just come back to the UK once a month? And the first time you’d live with him, and have him live with your kids, would suddenly be in a foreign country? Sounds like a complete recipe for a disaster, especially when he’s not putting any effort into your relationship right now.

Having a goal for 2022 is great, and it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, and if you plan, you can succeed at a lot, but a bad relationship can also derail so many dreams so quickly. And if it’s been a year and a half and he’s still “hiding” you for some reason when you’re a smart, compassionate woman he should be proud of (whose only BIG problem I see is her fear of confrontation - PLEASE Google and start learning healthy confrontation methods now because you’ll need them for France!), I think his Facebook is just the straw that broke the camel’s back. And unless he has a really good explanation (maybe he does?), it also sounds like you know it’s time to show him the door.

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