Aibu my boyfriend’s Facebook still says ‘single’ after 18 months

[finniesmummy]

So, as title says, I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months now. His Facebook is still set as ‘single’.
It really upsets me but I’m not sure how to broach the subject and I’m loathe to cause any issues or arguments

I think Facebook statuses do count when a person regularly updates their account and keeps people up to date with everything... except the fact they’ve had a partner for 18 months. The fact that he hasn’t mentioned you and you’ve not met key people in his life after so long is strange, I agree. Not a single photo of you together at birthdays or events? No mention of him being with anyone at all, even if he doesn’t mention you by name? The fact that you aren’t on Facebook means he knows you won’t mention anything to do with your relationship on his Facebook page.

So, a few things you can do. Ask him outright why nobody seems to know you exist. Ask outright to meet key family and friends. Join Facebook and friend request him. Or, tell him he seems to still act like he’s single and you deserve better than that so unless he starts making an effort to involve you in his wider life, he actually will be.
It’s strange, OP. Yours isn’t an early-stage relationship. Your instinct that this is a bit off is right.

I genuinely cannot believe updating Facebook information is what many/any 40+ year olds do now. I’m in my 40s and all my similar aged friends still have whatever details was relevant to their life (occupation, residence etc) in 2006 when we all set up our accounts.

Reading your updates, it sounds like your issue is totally different to Facebook and I think you would have had better responses if you had been honest in your OP.

yes, my bf is always on Facebook- he uses it for his business a lot.
Im mainly upset because there is no mention of me in his life anywhere and the Facebook thing just tops it off. I’ve never met his kids, friends, dad etc. I eventually met his mum and her partner about 3 months ago and that was the first she’d heard of me. When he mentioned his 2 best friends were maybe coming over to see meet up with him next week for a ‘blokes’ night, he suggested I didn’t come over that night. He says they know about me, but I have no idea if that’s true or not

After 18 months this is more your problem than the Facebook single status.

I've lived with my partner for 2 years. I think both our status' say single. It's a non issue. I am very much a part of his life, he mine, all our friends.

After 18 months I'd expect to be more included in my partners life. How does he explain this.? It sounds more like you are a secret? Are you unknowingly the OW?

You’re a grown woman with children - you are 37! Just discuss it with him. It’s not a confrontation. It’s just a conversation.

@Mildmanneredmum

I hate Facebook personally and don’t even have it! How do you know what his profile is, then?

As stated before, I was in my brothers room getting something and his pc was open on Facebook, on my bf profile page. He does work for him occasionally so guessing he was messaging him on there or something. I have never stalked him- hence the reason I only found out after 18 months!

Looks like he wants you to think he's in a relationship with you but wants everyone else to think he's single.Youre not the weird one here,its totally normal to put on fb that your in a relationship.

@finniesmummy, like you I avoid confrontation. We had never argued.
When I confronted him about the other woman he beat me up.

You need to know what he is like and if you just go along with whatever he says, you won't know how he will react when you don't.

My ex picked me because he knew I was compliant. When I no longer was, he showed me exactly who he was.

I also think the Facebook change if status is it one element of the bigger picture and that is that he doesn't consider himself in a relationship with you.

He gets the companionship with you coming over to sleep with him every night, but that's how far as it goes.

He doesn't talk about you, his mum didn't know you existed, his kids probably neither, nor must if his friends, what do think that tells you?

It does seem like he wants to keep as a casual "girlfriend" seeing as though you haven't met his friends or family after 18 months!!!

I understand. One of my friends was with a guy for nearly a year when she realised he carefully made no mention of her on his FB, including never putting photos with her in them on, she had felt secure as his family knew they were a couple. However, she discovered he was sex-messaging with women he’d gone to college with, friends etc, through FB.
I’ve been married for donkeys and have never changed relationship status on fb but my feed has plenty of us on it, I’m sure my husband has no concerns but I also know he’s communicate with me if he was unhappy with anything in our life together. You need to talk.

You're not allowed on FB single's/dating pages unless you have "single" as your status.

He's mucking around 100%.

I've been with my DP 3 years - currently 7 months pregnant. We both have FB, we dont have any photos of each other on there because we prefer to have more of a private life. Neither of us have updated our relationshop status on there. I know he loves me, and I him, we tag each other in rubbish on there but I don't think being 'FB official' is a barometer you should use for how committed he is to you

I would however - use the fact you haven't met his friends and most of his family as an indicator. Have you not brought this up with him? It sounds to me like he sees this as more casual than you do and that is worrying

This screams commitment phobia to me. How did his first marriage break up? Was he similarly remote with his wife? Or so traumatised by the divorce he never wants to get emotionally involved again?
OP, he seems to be investing the absolute minimum in you - just shags and a few restaurant meals.
You are really not integrated into his life at all, you are just locked in a compartment labelled “convenient sex and company”.
I think you need to work on your self esteem. You deserve better than this from a relationship, and it’s time to start demanding it.

You are being completely ridiculous over Facebook.

That said, it's not a relationship if you are worried to approach some subjects. Sorry but it's embarrassing, you are a 37 year old woman with children, you need to learn to be independent and stand your ground.

Not introducing you to his family.. you need context. It could have been for your own sake, not everyone is close to their relatives.
If he keeps you away from friends too, then it's weird. After 2 years it shouldn't be that casual.

but if you really do not have FB, leave that part alone. No one cares. I can think of a few friends who are "single" on facebook with a profile pic from their wedding day

I’d be more worried about why you don’t want to raise it with him, than the fact that you’re not fb official.

You can’t go through life avoiding conflict or you’re just going to get walked all over in every area of your life. You do sound very young and immature. I know you’re saying you’re not bothered about the fb thing, but you clearly are, so you need to raise it with him. It’s important that you can discuss things together, even if it’s a difficult subject. It’s also vital that you can handle disagreements in relationships.

I had been married for five years before I updated my facebook relationship status, because my facebook relationship status is totally fucking unimportant. That said, it sounds like there is more to your concerns than a random bit of info on social media.

Well you can either carry on doing everything you can to "avoid confrontation" and continue being some bit on the side who is not in any way visible to his children, family or friends or you can be a grown-up and ask him where the relationship is heading, I don't think worrying about whether you are on his FB status is the main issue here!

I think you do need to have a serious conversation. Not just about facebook but about how he sees your relationship etc. Otherwise, it is so easy for men to string women along for years with "I love being with you crap", and then either end it or cheat with someone else - and then argue "what?I never said we were official/serious/exclusive/boyfriend and girlfriend/ we never had "that" conversation". Leaving you really confused about what the past 2 years have actually meant. If he is playing that sort of game you can't change him, but at least you will know and can act accordingly. And as far as the Facebook thing goes, I actually think if it bothers YOU its a perfectly reasonable request to make. If it doesnt bother other people thats fine for them (and I think by the time you are married like some other posters its immaterial anyway)

Unfortunately people haven’t read your complete posts other than op and they are fastidiously sticking to the fb issue. You’ve got a mn pile in based on the op only

Issue is you are your own admission avoidant of confrontation. He knows this and uses it to his advantage

I think your his bit of stuff, it’s not serious from his point of view, And I think you already know this

I totally understand, OP, and don't know why you're getting so many unhelpful comment.

I don't have a relationship status on my Facebook; nor does DP on his. If, though, his of mine stated we were single (we're actually engaged) then this would be a major red flag.

My friend is in a similar position. Her (wanker) of a husband hasn't updated his Facebook - it says he is single - he doesn't post anything about my friend (his wife) or their child and, because he's from a different country then I imagine many of his friends and family don't actually know he's married. It's a similar thing with my step-daughter. She's been with her partner for four years, his status is single, there's not a single picture or acknowledgment of her on his Facebook page, he's never bought her a birthday present or Christmas present (despite them living together) and spends his time ranting and swearing at her.

In a nutshell, the lack of a status update on Facebook is a sign that he doesn't take your relationship seriously. You haven't met his friends, family etc. If he wanted a proper relationship then he'd have introduced you to all and sundry with pride. It sounds to me that he isn't bothered, doesn't really love you and that you, deep down, realise this.

Well publicly OP doesn’t exist on his SM account. Nearly two years and zero mention of her is odd.

Depends what he issues the site for also OP. If he has posted any other photos of family and friends then it’s odd your not in there . Or he could just be a lurker and share the odd meme where that would be so bad.

My status says "single" and I've been in a happy relationship for two years. I just don't really give a shit about that kind of thing and have always found people's need to proclaim their relationship status to the world a bit yuck. It doesn't mean I'm not happy or committed, I just hate the trappings of public relationship status.

He might be like me.

Or he may just not have got around to it.

If it really bothers you, say something. I would let it go though.

My bf of 2 years is still down as married to his ex 😄. Doesn’t bother me at all. But then again he doesn’t put anything on there - no photos of us or his kids. His ex has changed her status though. But if it bothered me I’d ask him to change and I know he would do so without hesitation!